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Indifference from a daughter almost too hard to bear

Started by ladybugez, April 08, 2013, 09:21:10 PM

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ladybugez

Just found this website. Just trying to find if there are other mothers like me out there. I have two daughters. The youngest just turned 20 and my heart is broken. Has been broken for almost 7 years when she started turning from a loving, affectionate girl into a distant, uncommunicative, short-tempered, unloving person. I miss my daughter's love so much. She is wrapped up in her own things, but has plenty of time for her friends. She is kind to all her friends, but not to her dad and me. She is very, very busy with college,and I understand that. But she's never too busy for her friends. She gets home and closes herself off in her room, barely saying two words to us. She shares NOTHING with me. She only talks to me when she NEEDS something. She never discusses anything of substance with me, nor does she ask me for any advice on anything! She never asks me how I am, (and I suffer from frequent migraines), is just totally unconcerned , and it HURTS so much. Her dad and I have devoted ourselves to both our daughters, and it just seems so futile that all that love, attention, concern that we have always shown her is not appreicated or returned in any way. I cry myself to sleep so many nights, because I MISS being close with her. Is that what life is? Is that the reward of (especially) a mother? All I want is for her to show her love, to ask me how I am once in a while, to include me in her thoughts, to share things with me. But she doesn't. If I try to share my feelings with her, because she is so oblivrious, and she says that I'm trying to make her feel guiilty. She doesn't comprehend that what  I'm doing is trying to WAKE her up! Life is so short, and she doesn't realize that her dad and I  won't be around forever. Only another mother who has gone through this can understand how I feel. Another sad night for me.

nikncon

Dear Lady B. Welcome to our website.I have been here for over a year now and have met many moms with similar problems.You will get excellent advice and care from many wise women of all ages.Just hang in there.You must take care of yourself first is what I'm slowly learning.Migraines which I had too are often caused by stress.Good luck.

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Grieving

ladybugz,
You say this has been going on for 7 years, so started when she was 13. You said she was your youngest, so assume the older one is out of house. I don't wish to make light of your pain, but could you be suffering from empty nest??

What you have described sounds completely normal, IMHO. That doesn't make it less painful,but she has to pull away, develop her own life. This sounds like the path both of my children took at that age. When they came home from college, we hardly ever saw them. They slept, then started making plans for who/what/where they would spend the evenings. LOL

I had a major health issue (cancer), and while they did show love and concern, they, by no means put their lives on hold--nor did I expect them to do so. You say you have had migraines before. Right or wrong, perhaps she just excepts them as part of you, not realizing how this contributes to them.

DS was my youngest, so some of it I attributed to being a male, but during his 20s, he hardly acknowledged that he had parents---not in a really bad way, but just he lived/worked away, had his own life. As he approached 30, he was more likely to acknowledge that he did indeed have family. LOL  Even through my trials and tribulations of DIL, he does try to include us.

Again, I am not trying to discount what you are feeling, but it does seem perfectly normal from what you have said. Perhaps viewing it from that standpoint, you could find it less stressful. I hope so.


Lillycache

My sons are both in their early 40's..  Yes.. indifference is normal... BOTH of them act totally indifferent to me most of the time.. However I know that should I  really need either one of them in a time of illness or crisis.... BOTH will be there for me.  I also know they  love me very much.   So I leave them to their indifference and to carry on with their lives.  It's a hard thing to adjust to.. this "letting go" business.. but it's necessary..   I have replaced the mothering desire with other interests and other desires.   In fact,  eventually coming to the realization that it's quite a relief to be done with that mothering thing .  Of course, I am an old hand at having grown children..  I'm used to being ignored or snarled at if I overstep what they see as their boundaries, or intrude in their lives.  So.. I try not to.. and I get on with my life.    If they need me... they know where to find me.. only now I get to decide if I am available.  It takes time Lady B.  Your daughter sounds like a good person.. she is just looking to grow up and flex her grown up independence.

Pooh

Welcome ladybugz.  When you get a moment, please take the time to read the posts under "Open Me First".  They will explain our forum rules to see if we are a fit.  Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to read them.

The hardest thing for a Mother to do sometimes is go from being the world to their children, to their children seeing the world.  Hang in there and give her some time and space.  Most children and AC want to hang out with people of their age, their friends instead of their parents.  I see that as normal and part of growing up.  It doesn't make it any easier on us, but it's how it's supposed to be.

Me and my Mother are extremely close but from about 18-24, I didn't speak to her that often.  I was busy with friends, work, hubby, children and frankly, I was more interested in those things than I was her.  When I finally matured some, I realized that my Mother and I could be friends and we went from a Parental-Child relationship, to a Mother-Daughter-Friend relationship that is wonderful.  I never loved her any less during those 6ish years, I just didn't give much thought to her because I was living my own life.  Sounds bad but looking back, I think it was normal.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

freespirit

I would like to comment from the daughter's perspective. Even at my age, I act like your daughter towards an aunt,  :-[ who is my mother's sister.  I find something terribly irritating in my aunt's voice.  >:( The way she talks to me has a constant undertone of accusing, whining, and a need to tell me what to do. She is forever listing ways to treat colds, how to secure the house, treat my sons, mother and husband..etc. I can't stand it. I never call her, and if we are at the same event, I try to avoid her sad Bassard Hound like looks.

Now, I am not saying you are like my aunt.

Infact, I am sorry to say, I got some of those rotten genes myself. I have caught myself talking to my sons the same way. Because of that, I have learned to listen to my own voice. With a knotted stomach effort, I have replaced the authoritive and inquisitive mother tone with a lighter care-free and friendly voice. And I don't ask any more  questions.

Lo and behold...my sons have been reacting in a positive way. So, I say put on your best acting face. No matter if your daughter is just with you for a minute or two, be all smiles and "cool". That lifts a burden off your daughter's shoulders ...She won't "need" to avoid you anymore. You'll see. :)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Evalyn

Freespirit, what a great answer. I believe Lady B's daughter is going through what my old doctor called "nest leaving". She just wants to have fun, try new things and spend time with people her own age.
I make a point of arranging to meet somewhere nice away from home with my girls once a week. We then have a light hearted chat. I don't ask questions as some girls just hate that. I have no idea why.

Lillycache

Quote from: Evalyn on April 20, 2013, 11:24:39 PM
Freespirit, what a great answer. I believe Lady B's daughter is going through what my old doctor called "nest leaving". She just wants to have fun, try new things and spend time with people her own age.
I make a point of arranging to meet somewhere nice away from home with my girls once a week. We then have a light hearted chat. I don't ask questions as some girls just hate that. I have no idea why.

It's not just girls... boys too.  It's really difficult to become "friends' with your adult children.  There is no erasing the fact that you are/were their parent and for much of their lives were an authority figure and had a degree of control over them.  Depending on personalities, this may bring feelings of animosity and the need to prove you are no longer in control, or have any say whatsoever in their lives now... that includes having opinions.    Sometimes it's just downright unpleasant to be around adult children... and feeling the need to be walking on egg shells.. and monitoring every comment or question.   It's sad when you find your adorable little Cherab has turned into a snarling cat at any hint of what they construe to be judgment of them and their choices.. even it it isn't meant that way.

Evalyn

Quote from: ladybugez on April 08, 2013, 09:21:10 PM
JShe only talks to me when she NEEDS something. She never discusses anything of substance with me, nor does she ask me for any advice on anything! She never asks me how I am, (and I suffer from frequent migraines), is just totally unconcerned , and it HURTS so much. Her dad and I have devoted ourselves to both our daughters, and it just seems so futile that all that love, attention, concern that we have always shown her is not appreciated or returned in any way. I cry myself to sleep so many nights, because I MISS being close with her. Is that what life is? Is that the reward of (especially) a mother? All I want is for her to show her love, to ask me how I am once in a while, to include me in her thoughts, to share things with me. But she doesn't. If I try to share my feelings with her, because she is so oblivious, and she says that I'm trying to make her feel guilty. She doesn't comprehend that what  I'm doing is trying to WAKE her up! Life is so short, and she doesn't realize that her dad and I  won't be around forever. Only another mother who has gone through this can understand how I feel. Another sad night for me.

My four kids all did this, once they reached their teens.It sounds normal to me, although 20 does seem a bit old to still be behaving like this.
The good thing is, she talks to you when she needs something. It means she knows you care. You say she doesn't ask for advice, is it at all possible she doesn't want to worry you? She knows about your migraines so that is even more reason to try and spare you from the details of her own worries.
As for discussing anything of substance, it may be there isn't anything to tell you. 20 year olds, in my experience, including myself at that age, tend to be mainly concerned with their looks and clothes. They live in the moment,  rather than look ahead. She stated that you try to make her feel guilty, this tells me that she does feel guilty.
She deals with this, by avoiding you. All she wants to know, is that you are there for her, which you obviously are.
In a way, her independence is a compliment to you and her father. You have made he feel confident and loved.
Kids tend to be terrified of contemplating the loss of their parents.
Have you considered inviting her out to dinner, at a fashionable restaurant, with you and her Dad? Once there, you could compliment her on how well she is doing and how proud of her you are? Just have a nice time, live for the moment and don't ask questions or tell her about your migraines and general feeling of sadness. That would kill off good feelings engendered by the dinner.
What she wants from you is appreciation, to be told what a lovely girl she is. Treat her as an adult. You might find this really helps. Just an idea that has worked for me in the past.

jdtm

Evalyn - smart, smart, and wise advice.  Thanks ...

dedicatedmom

OMG you are sharing my life story with my daughter. It started at about 12 - she was my baby, the 4th child and we were inseparable. Then like overnight she turned into this mean hateful child and I struggled for so long to deal with her without my husband's help - he's rather ignore her. Long story short, she is 24 now and recently told me she does not want a relationship with me. I allowed her to treat me so poorly because I was trying to love her through the insanity of her drop out boyfriend, finding birth control pills at 16, reading her diary that she was huffing, it goes on and on. She pushed me once and thought I made her leave and stay at a friends, I just couldn't believe she could do that. I pressure was so bad at one point, the 3 other kids were all away at school, my husband was drinking and she was sulking in her room and refused counseling so I moved out for a while until her controlling father drove her to the edge I had to come back home. Finally we divorced in 2009 but it has been awful. She has trashed me to the other 2 girls but my son is good. Hang in there, I can't promise you it will get better but please use this site as your support. We have all had this pain one way or another.