Author Topic: Need snappy response  (Read 2994 times)

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Offline Grieving

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Need snappy response
« on: March 19, 2013, 04:37:32 AM »
Though the problem is really with DS/DIL, as GC are too young, this seemed the appropriate area in which to post this.

Some time ago, I posted on here about not bonding with GC.For the most part, I have accepted that my relationship with DS/DIL/GC is what it is--basically, superficial and phony. Since before GC, DS/DIL seemed to enjoy our company, wanted us in their(and future children's) lives,  I tried to find out what it was that I (since it seems DIL hostility  is aimed at me and not DH), had done, but got no real answer.DS admitted DIL was insecure around me, but for the life of me, I cannot fathom why,as I felt bonded and loved her from the beginning.  DS calls, emails, FBs photos, texts, etc. periodically---which is about what he did before marriage. I am ok with that. When we are together, which isn't very often, everyone ignores the elephant in the room, and pretends to be happy. This primarily consists of us watching GC play and interact with DIL. GC really do not know us, nor do we know them. To me, they are no more than very cute children, who are fun to watch for a short time.  I feel much closer to several other children who are not even family.

 Yes, I still grieve occasionally for 'what could of/should have been", but don't dwell on it. If I could snap my fingers and make my expectations come true, I would. However, that isn't going to happen.

My question is how to deal with public expectations?  I know I shouldn't be bothered by this,but I am. Someday I hope to reach the point where I no longer care or worry about what other people think, but I am not there yet.  Watching strangers interact with their GC is difficult, but I tell myself that I don't know what goes on in private. The real problem I have is with friends. I have confided in two close friends what my situation is, and the fact that I really feel no more for my GC than any other child, and really don't enjoy DS family visits. Their reaction was to dismiss my feelings by telling me that I really didn't feel that way. This hurt and annoyed me so, that I have taken to avoiding these friends.

If friends who have known me for many years react this way, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to be around more casual friends and acquaintances when they gush over their GC, and ask me 'don't I think being a GM is just the most wonderful thing in life. "  I usually try to noncommittal in my response, but have a hard time, as I don't 'lie' very well. I am wondering if anyone else has this problem, and how do you deal with it? Is there some response that will convey I don't have such a great GM experience without going into details?

On the plus side, I once made some comment at a gathering implying that all was not rosy, and 2 of the 3 women there, replied in kind, so as with this site,  it was nice to know I wasn't the only one. In another instance, I found that one of the women went through periodic estrangements from her son and DIL. However, I realize that this type of response in general public gathering is not comfortable to most.

Any snappy one liners out there??

fangle

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Re: Need snappy response
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2013, 04:56:09 AM »
Hello,  There is no quick fix, but what other people think about you is none of your business, they haven't walked in your shoes.  You obviously care for children very much.  It takes a village to raise a child, no matter what your relation to them, if you are in their life and you are a positive influence, you matter.  What matters most though is what you think about you.  Ease up on yourself a bit.  Chances are most people aren't thinking about you anyway.  You know what it is like these days in this busy world.  I'm glad you've found this place for comfort and support, as I have.  Good Luck, sorry I couldn't provide you with a one liner. xo

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need snappy response
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2013, 08:06:19 AM »
Lets see, it would probably be a long, poorly constructed one-liner paragraph: If we don't believe that what others think/say is true and don't agree on some fearful level that lies beyond denial, it doesn't bother us…because...if they exclaimed with contempt or pity that we were orange and pink alligators, we'd merely laugh, knowing it wasn't true.





"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: Need snappy response
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2013, 05:38:56 AM »
I don't think there is a one-liner to cover it.  People that are not in your shoes are never going to understand and are going to think you are just hiding something.  There is nothing you can do about it unfortunately.  People are going to believe what they want and can offer all kinds of solutions when they don't live it.

I can't tell you how many people have asked me why I don't just march over to OS/DIL's house and tell them I want to see GD.  I get, "I wouldn't put up with that.  That's your GD.  I wouldn't sit back.  I bet if you did, they would let you see her....blah blah blah. I would tell them.....blah blah blah."

I've learned to just say, "Well it's good that if your AC ever put you in this position, you already have a plan of action."  If I try to explain why I don't do those things, because there is so much more to it, they just dismiss it and say, "Nothing would keep me away."  So I don't explain any longer.  Guess what?  I don't owe anyone an explanation.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline shiny

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Re: Need snappy response
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2013, 12:10:53 PM »
Pooh, love your comment and way of thinking.
The older I get, the less I've been trying to defend myself or the family, for that matter. It wearies me, so my words are getting fewer regarding everybody's business.
I don't want or need to give a reason for why people do what they do.
Most of the time, I don't know anyway...

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Need snappy response
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2013, 01:10:42 PM »
I struggle with this as well, because my anger and hurt isn't something that I need to burden other people with, but I tend to be a pretty blunt and open person. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: Need snappy response
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2013, 04:01:42 PM »
I don't think you can give a snappy one-liner about not having a wonderful GM experience w/o being drawn into a discussion of how and why.  Do you really want to get into that?  You might be better off with some non-committal but seemingly positive one-liners to just duck the issue (like when someone asks your opinion about their  baby/house/clothes/car/haircut/etc. and your true opinion is negative but you don't want to say so).   

If someone says "Isn't being a grandmother great?" you could try:

There must be a reason for the GRAND in grandmother.

It's certainly different than being a mother. 

I'm so thankful not to have all the responsibilities of motherhood.

It's great not to have to worry about saving for college/teaching them to drive/joining the PTA.

Oh, I just love my grandchildren to pieces!

Good luck, and I hope your situation improves.  As dark as it seems now, if you read some of the stories here, you realize that it is possible to find a happy ending.

Offline Grieving

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Re: Need snappy response
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2013, 03:57:57 AM »
Thanks all for the support and suggestions. herbal, I will have to try to remember some of those. They may work, without seeming so much like a lie. Funny, I had not thought to approach it like when someone asks my opinion. That is a good idea. I like, elsieshaye, tend to be an open book when anyone asks about me, but do manage to be polite to others.

I guess I am just feeling vulnerable as DS family is coming for a visit soon, and I am already dreading it. I hate the walking on eggshells with DIL. I also tend to be an all or nothing sort of person. If I can't have what I expected, I would just as soon do without, but that is for another thread.

For now, I have a plan for encounters with other GMs--especially the gushing ones. LOL