What do I do now?

[nikncon]

I  just got an email from DS?He says that I can call him once in a while but that he doesn't see himself ever coming to visit us again.DS said "no more pretending" I have no clue what to do.I don't want to do or say the wrong thing. Help!

[jdtm]

Congratulations on your weight loss.

I think you have already answered your question - if in doubt, doing/saying nothing is often the best thing.  Then if you are accused of "whatever", at least you know what you did wrong.  You did "nothing".  It's a no-win threat.

I have no clue what to do.I don't want to do or say the wrong thing.

[luise.volta]

Nik - This kind of thing is so hard. All I know to say is "Got it. Will do." It's his mandate and his right to make it, no matter that it makes no sense. I don't see that you have any choice but/and things change sometimes. Nothing is cast in granite. Sending love...

[SadMay]

Congratulations on your weight loss.

I think you have already answered your question - if in doubt, doing/saying nothing is often the best thing.  Then if you are accused of "whatever", at least you know what you did wrong.  You did "nothing".  It's a no-win threat.

I have no clue what to do.I don't want to do or say the wrong thing.

This is my personal, developed theory -

Last year my DS blamed me because she got an STD!  Ummm, ok?!?

Anytime they blame us for something preposterous or if they can't provide a specific instance (in most cases, they can't) it's code for you did nothing but I'm going to lash out at you anyway because you're my kicking post. Self serving bias provides a way for them to escape accepting responsibility for their own actions.

I say a LOT of nothing now.

Hugs to you!

[nikncon]

I agree with you ladies.I think DS has a lot of issues to work out.I would love to talk to him but what do you say to a DS who doesn't respect you ,wants you to call once in a while but won't ever visit again?I know that DS loves me .I wish that DS had said something a decade ago or more.We could have worked on it then.I'd rather move on and start fresh if that's even possible.I bought a card yesterday that talks about hurting someone,saying how sorry you are but that you still love this person.Maybe I'll send it to him for Valentines Day.DS has always sent me flowers for Mothers Day my bd and just for no reason.I guess these flowers were all a lie.It's very difficult for me to understand.

[luise.volta]

My guess: No way is it all a lie...and it is impossible to make sense of the senseless. My eldest son, who thought I was the wicked witch of the West, always sent me flowers. Go figure...) or give up trying to is probably better. Sending love...

[Faith]

It sounds to me as if he is going through some emotional issues right now and is finding it hard to cope.
He may be depressed, so is saying this in the heat of the moment. I have heard that many times from my own AC's but sooner or later they return.
Why not just send him a card, saying you miss him and look forward to seeing him in the Spring.
He can take it or leave it. But at least he will know you haven't been put off. Sometimes our AC's test us in ways we never ever imagined they would.
If you get another email, best to ignore it. Send him a card on his birthday and at Easter as if nothing is wrong. In this particular case, I honestly believe he does love you. It is the depression talking. Not him.
Love Faith xxx

[nikncon]

Thanks Faith.I appreciate your input.I bought a very appropriate card and will send it soon.I have always sent him cards of encouragement and cards telling him I care etc.I think and pray that DS will come back into my life soon.

[Faith]

That is a great idea. I think he will appreciate your cards, especially when he starts to come out of his depression. From your previous posts, I think he has been showing definite symptoms. I hope he realises and gets help.
Love Faith xxx

[Pooh]

Nik, I think Luise's approach is best.  A simple reply of, "I will honor your wishes", let's him know you heard him and will respect his wishes.  Doesn't mean you have to understand it personally, but keeps the door open for the future if he sorts out his issues.  I personally wouldn't send the card just because he let his boundaries be known for now.  I would just give him the space he is seeking.

[nikncon]

Why would DS tell me that I can call him once in awhile if he doesn't want the relationship that we had or so I thought??Should I call ? If I do what do I say?I am really getting confused.If I ignore his invitation to phone him am I sending the message that I don't want to talk to him?please I value your opinions.

[Pooh]

I wish we could read their minds Nik and figure out what they wanted.  I think all you can do is what he asked.  Call him, every once in a while and keep it light.  How often is every once in a while?  I don't know.  For me, that would mean maybe once a month?  For someone else, that could mean every three months?  It's kind of a mine field to say "every once in awhile", but something maybe you could clarify the first time you talk to him?  Leave it up to him with something like, "I just want to make sure I respect your wishes.  How often would you like for me to call?"  And maybe wait for a month to call the first time?

And that's just one route to go.  The other is that you don't call him if it's to much on you to go by his rules.  The other part of me wanted to say to answer his email with something that said, "I hear you and I want to respect your wishes.  How about when you feel like it, you give me a ring?"

[Faith]

Well, he did say call once in a while. I would just pick up the phone and listen to what he has to say. Be friendly then end by saying, just email me when you would like to chat again.
Personally, I see nothing wrong in sending him a card. You have always done so, why not carry on as before? I believe he will visit you as soon as he is ready.
Never say never as the saying goes.

[nikncon]

Thanks Pooh and Faith.I think that I will send DS the card that I picked out the other day.The phone call I may wait .I just feel so uncomfortable talking to DS after he said that he hasn't respected me for a long time.I know that he has been getting councilling foe a year.Maybe the therapist had something to do with this revelation.I certainly won't close the door.DS and I will hopefully work this out .It may take years but I'm willing to try.

[Faith]

When people see therapists, all kind of things from the past come to the surface. Much depends on the therapist. Some get the client to confront the parent others don't.

It appears to me your DS is very confused. Each visit may throw up something new. Your DS may well be reporting back to the therapist each time he has sent a negative email.

I do think this will take time, but I also believe he will be back. The therapy will take time, so it wouldn't surprise me if he contacts you again soon, maybe with new questions.

As the saying goes "Never say never"

Regarding sending cards, I would recommend doing what you have always done before, to keep up continuity.

Love Faith xxx