Author Topic: Send a gift or not??  (Read 3101 times)

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Offline nikncon

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Send a gift or not??
« on: October 02, 2012, 07:42:58 PM »
Hello .I need your input.My sister and I used to be pretty close.Talked at least once a week.I took care of our mother for ten years.My sister called her every night but visited for one day once a year.When mom passed two yrs ago in Nov my sister didn't come to our mother's bedside or take care of anything.My DH and I did it all.We are both in our fifties and sixties.I have called her and tried to keep in touch.She rarely answers my emails.Her birthday is next Monday.I don't know if I should send a gift or a card or nothing at all.Could you please give me your wise comments.Louise if I am in the wrong forum I'm sorry.PS she is the only family I have left.She has two sons which I didn't meet until they were four and six.My DS saw his cousins aboutii four times in twenty seven years.He has no contact with them because he says that he doesn't know them.My  sister never kept contact with my son since he was 18.He is 37.I do keep contact with my oldest nephew and I call once in a while and talk to brother in law about my computer problems.My sister is at work usually.I tell him to say hello to her tell her I called and to call me when she isn't too busy.No call.BD gift or not??

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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2012, 09:01:19 PM »
Nik - Don't worry about posting in the right category. We will move your post if we think we need to. No big. My take is that you might want to see what would please you, not your sister. It sounds like a pretty lopsided relationship to me. If you would enjoy sending a gift and you can let go of any expectations regarding it, why not please yourself? I used to have a hard time giving gifts and letting go of them. I have learned that once sent, they belong to the other…and if they never respond and even toss the gift, it is theirs to do with as they wish and then acknowledge it or not. Others often have different agendas and even varying ideas about manners and ethics. That's about them, not you. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline nikncon

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2012, 05:22:58 AM »
Thanks Luise.You are right.Since ahe is my only sibling I will send a gift and not expect anything.I enjoy giving.It still hurts not to be ackowledged by her.I wasn't even invited to her wedding thirty five years ago because she didn't like my first husband.My parents went and her DH family.I did send a gift.Just like my nephew's Baptisms.No invite but I did send each one a gold chain and cross.She used to make a big box and send all of us Christmas gifts.That stopped about five years ago.I did the same.Thanks for your advice Luise.Maybe i's time to just let go and send cards and gifts to my friends who seem to care more than DS.

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Offline Scoop

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2012, 06:17:08 AM »
nikncon - when I think about it, my parents never exchanged gifts with their siblings, except maybe at 'significant number' birthdays, and nothing was thought about it either way.

About 10 years ago, my DH and I spoke with our siblings and said "how about we don't do birthday gifts anymore?"  And everyone agreed that it was a good idea.  We still send a card and good wishes, and usually include a scratch-off lottery ticket (for fun).

The only reason to give your sister a gift this year is if she's already given one to you for your birthday.  Then you should reciprocate and make a deal for next year.


Offline Pen

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2012, 07:39:17 AM »
I'm with Scoop. I'd go with a card, skip the gift.

Instead of buying & shipping something, spend the $$ on yourself/DH - diinner out? music? day trip? It's time to be nice to yourself.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Doe

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2012, 07:46:21 AM »
I'm with Luise - do what you feel is right.  Sometimes social gestures are so much a part of a person that not following them feels worse than following them and getting no response.    Sort out the 'shoulds' vs the 'wants' can be a helpful exercise sometimes.

Offline pam1

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2012, 10:40:39 AM »
Yep, do what you feel is best to you. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline nikncon

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2012, 01:17:53 PM »
Well ladies.I decided to  order a gift card  online for her Kindle.She loves to read and she got me one for my birthday last year.Will let you know if she thanks me.Hugs and thanks to all you WW. What a great group we are"!Thanks to Luise. ;D

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Offline Scoop

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2012, 05:36:56 PM »
Nikncon - when you get to the point of exchaning gift cards, THAT's when it's time to stop the gifts!

I would send her a message in the New Year saying "Let's keep our money in our own pockets this year and only exchange well wishes for birthdays from now on."

Offline nikncon

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2012, 06:22:29 PM »
Thanks Scoop.I agree.Unless her attitude towards me her only sister does change in the next few months which I doubt will  ,a greeting on an email is all she is getting  for Christas too. :'(

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Offline Pooh

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2012, 07:02:23 AM »
I do the same as Luise now and I used to do the same as Luise..Lol.  Get my feelings hurt if someone didn't acknowledge or say thank you for a gift or card I sent.  I finally figured out the same as Luise.  A gift is simply that..a gift.  If it makes me feel good to do it, and I do it with no expectations any longer.  I actually enjoy it more now because I don't have an expectations with it.

I just posted an idea I was going to do for the girls here at work.  There are about 12 of them.  I always get them something very small for Christmas.  Only 2 of them give me anything.  It doesn't matter to me that the other 10 don't because I don't do it with any expectations any longer.  I do it because they work so hard in a very thankless profession all year and I want to.  Also, I love Christmas and the selfish part of me says that this particular holiday, for me, is supposed to be about giving.

So do what feels right to you and you will not go wrong.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2012, 02:41:32 PM »
I will add a wise point of view here that my husband lived by. His statement was "I don't keep score." ;)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline AnnaB

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2012, 02:55:34 PM »
This forum is new to me. I just joined . Have never done this before and stayed up almost all night reading everything. I am amazed and touched by a number of things .

First, regarding the gift subject. I was mulling around in my head this very thing today regarding my 38 year old daughter. Her birthday is next month. Suffice it to say I have allowed my heart to be wrenched out of my chest for the last time. I think I finally have peace. I will send her a card and write " Love, Mom" just to acknowledge her day. No more gifts. I gave her and her husband a piece of lake property worth $500,000 and now have been kicked to the curb . All I asked them was that they allow me, my son and my other daughter one week each a year at the cabin. They said they would do that and have now reneged on their promise. Oh well. I am pretty poor but felt that would be nice for the entire family. A done deal here and I will move on

I noticed that there are like 18,000 problems listed under Son/daughter problems yet only 400 some success stories. That makes me sad for all of you. I will be fine and I cannot tell you how much this site helped me, and I pray all of you will find peace. I know I will and finding all of you helped me already. It will be difficult for me to write because my faith is the core of my being, but I thank you all again and was shocked at how many stories I read that I could have written myself  and my prayers are for healing for everyone, including the ones who have been thorns in our lives, stabbing aches in our hearts. You all keep up this good sharing and there will be no need for therapists. Love to you all. Having good friends like this means not having a huge therapist's  bill.

Offline nikncon

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2012, 06:51:26 PM »
Welcome Anna.You'll find so many great cyber friends here.We are like a big family.I did send the gift card.Got an email from sister thanking me and that it was thoughtful of me.Said that she would call after Thanksgiving dinner tonight.She did not.Not surprised.Glad that she can buy ebooks with it.Case closed. ;)

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Offline Pen

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Re: Send a gift or not??
« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2012, 07:11:08 PM »
Yay! Moving on....   ;)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb