Author Topic: Venting right now.  (Read 8396 times)

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Offline DivaGirlDIL

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Venting right now.
« on: September 22, 2012, 05:22:46 PM »
My parents sometimes tak DD over night.  And I get they want to spoil her and going to bed at her usual time is not going to happen.  But they keep her up so late and it wouldn't bother me if it didn't cause me problems the next night.  It's a pattern every time she goes over its hell the next night or two.  She is so over tired she fights going to sleep.  Starts throwing a fit and rips off her pjs if I get them on.  It's not this hard normally.  Even my dh notices and when I talk to my parents about it they brush it off.  My mom sleeps in the spare room with her and let's her fall asleep to the tv.  She won't do a normal bed routine with her.  No story and then lights out.  DD doesn't fall asleep easy when the tv is on either she fights staying awake.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Offline Grammie

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2012, 06:33:31 PM »
I agree that your Ps should try to follow a schedule closer to what you do at home.  How old is DD?  Does she spend the night often?  I look back on my years of raising children and a family member allowing them to stay up late and get off schedule, although irritating didn't matter in the overall scheme of things.  Ten years from now you won't give it another thought. 
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
 ~ Denis Waitley ~

Offline Scoop

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2012, 06:54:46 PM »
DivaGirl - maybe it's time to end the sleepovers until DD is older.  Seriously, if your Mom wants DD to sleep over, she can follow your guidelines.  If it's more important for her to be allowed to do whatever she wants to do, then she can wait for DD to be older for sleepovers.

The thing is, if your DD's bedtime is 8 pm and your Mom stretched it to 8:45 pm, I don't think this would be an issue, am I right?  So it's not about 'indulging' the GK.  It's about being given an inch and taking a mile.

And really, in this case, you're being the troublesome spouse who won't 'deal' with your P's.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2012, 08:13:13 PM »
My take is that she is your DD. She doesn't become their DD when she goes over there. You are her mother and you get to set boundaries and maintain them. Her well being is your job…and you get to make the rules.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2012, 12:14:44 AM »
My guess is that your mom would be more motivated to abide by your wishes if you cut waaayy back on the overnights & explained to her that it was too hard on both DD & yourself to have late nights more than once every couple of months or so (or whatever your limits are.) Could you handle it once in awhile or are you tempted to stop it completely? I'm a big advocate of compromising whenever possible, but that's just me...I know not everyone can operate that way.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline DivaGirlDIL

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2012, 05:46:33 AM »
She goes once a month, some times twice or sometime not at all.  It won't matter in 10 years no but I am not worried abou 10 years down the road.  I am worried about now.  Her norm bed time is 7:30.  I don't mind a later bed time.  It's watching tv until she is so tired she can't stay awake that bothers me.  I think I might have to stop them for now until my mother gets it.  I get grandparents want to indulge their grand kids but If it's effecting their home life it's gone to far.  DD is 4 by the way.

Offline Grammie

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2012, 06:07:29 AM »
Diva girl,  If you have that much trouble getting your daughter to go to bed perhaps your DM is having the same difficulty and is doing the best she can.  If DD won't go to sleep your DM can't make her go to sleep anymore than she can make you go to sleep.  Sounds like she is doing what works for her.  Maybe less frequent overnight stays is the way to go for now until DD learns that bedtime means time to go to sleep.  You want GM visits to be pleasant for DD and GM alike.  It sounds like it's a challenge for both. 
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
 ~ Denis Waitley ~

Offline jdtm

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2012, 06:19:59 AM »
Here's another perspective.  For years we cared for our grandchildren - often several times a week.  We found that our granddaughter could not settle down at our home and had great difficulty going to sleep (this was not so with her younger brother).  But, this was true in her parents' home as well as her grandparents' home (in fact, it was calmer in our home).  I'm not saying this is the issue in your home; just that your granddaughter might not be able to settle down and go to sleep on her own.  The "red flag" here was your statement "My mom sleeps in the spare room with her and let's her fall asleep to the tv."  Our granddaughter also needed someone to sleep with her and we often let her fall asleep in front of the TV (because that was the only way we could get her to settle down). 

Now, with us, we had a DIL who neglected her child and the child was very anxious.  We felt "forced" to care for our grandchildren.  This appears not to be the issue is your case, but I do wonder if your daughter is "anxious" about sleeping over and thus unable to fall asleep (I suspect she wants to sleep at Grandma's).  Sometimes, short visits are preferable to "sleepovers" - and this is both for the grandchildren as well as the grandparents.  I find any time past four hours caring for grandchildren (and as I get older it is getting closer to two hours) just overly exhausting.  I did not grasp how difficult it was for older people to care for grandchildren until I became a grandmother.  I suspect your mother is doing the best she can.  Just another perspective ....


Offline DivaGirlDIL

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2012, 06:52:06 AM »
She doesn't have a problem going to sleep here at all.  We do our routine and she goes to bed .  These tantrums only happen the night after she spends the night.  I don't mind her laying with her if the tv is off.  My problem is she lays with her in bed watching cartoon.  Now some kids dose off really easily to tv if she did it wouldn't be a big deal.  But my daughter will fight sleep which means sometimes she isn't asleep over their until 10 or 11.  Then I should add my parents wake up early so she wakes up early.  So by that night she is so over tired she is throwing a fit.  Its a pattern that for me has to stop.

Offline jdtm

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2012, 07:22:30 AM »
Quote
She doesn't have a problem going to sleep here at all.

There's your answer - your daughter appears to require your routine and probably you, as well.  Actually, I feel most children do not do well with "sleepovers" until close to their teen years (but that is just my opinion).  Maybe Grandma will have to give up on sleepovers for the next few years (excluding emergencies, of course).  All the best ...

Offline Grammie

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2012, 07:27:49 AM »
DivaGirl....I would suggest that you explain to your DM the behaviors that you are dealing with the next day and ask her to please not allow DD to have TV on at bedtime or you will have to suspend sleepovers until DD is a little older.  Perhaps daytime visits are a better choice right now.  Take a couple months off then try again.  Your DD will eventually grow out of it.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
 ~ Denis Waitley ~

Offline Doe

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2012, 07:39:54 AM »
I agree with the idea of halting the sleepovers for a while till everyone is on board with your wishes.  It sounds like it's a struggle for all concerned at this point and might be better put aside till she gets older. 

Maybe for a while the time spent with the GP could be light, playful times where it's ok not to enforce rules.  Maybe they just don't enjoy that role.

Offline ImBack

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2012, 07:49:24 AM »
I think that (if at all possible) a childs bedtime routine should be the same, and that includes sleepovers at the GPs house. Some kids really thrive on bedtime routines, like mine. And when that routine gets all out of whack, whoa Nellie watch out cause its not fun for anyone.

Until your parents can respect and follow your DDs bedtime routine/rules, no more sleepovers. Perhaps you can switch it to short afternoon playdates instead: walk in the park, playground or picnic?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2012, 09:55:54 AM »
Even if they follow the rules…you aren't there. I agree that your answer is that home is where her comfort lies when it gets to be bedtime. No more sleepovers. They don't work for her…(or anyone else.) Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: Venting right now.
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2012, 08:24:37 AM »
I think you've got a very legitimate gripe.  You've given your parents ample opportunity to get things in line and they refuse.  The only solution is to canx overnights.  A close gp-gc relationship is not dependent on overnight visits.  Are overnight visits worth ruining your relationship with your parents?  Or ruin your relationship with your husband?  Frustration over any situation can easily boil over into other areas.  Good luck.