Author Topic: Different situation  (Read 7018 times)

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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #30 on: September 10, 2012, 05:38:06 PM »
Why not?  :D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Grammie

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #31 on: September 10, 2012, 06:36:21 PM »
Luise, because it's yucky IMHO, LOL

LMGK, Thank you for your concern.  I can tell by your posts that you give so much.  I gave too.  DS and family stayed with us free of charge for more than 3 months while house hunting.  I gave up vacation time to babysit, We paid for DSs college and helped him buy his house. Heck DH even got DS a really good job with his employer.  I could go on and on and on about what we did for DS and his family.  But when you have selfish, self absorbed people they feel more entitled than appreciative.  DS was never that way until he got married.  DIL seemed like the perfect DIL and I thought she just adored us.  I thought we were being great GPs and everything was fine until it all came crashing down.  I never saw it coming.  I post here hoping to save others from this awful pain.  If I had found this site a year ago I would not be where I am now. 
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
 ~ Denis Waitley ~

Offline Pooh

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #32 on: September 11, 2012, 12:37:10 PM »
Welcome LMG.  I've been away and still trying to catch up.

First, I know tons of Grandmas that have been given their name by the GC.  Normally, it's the Grandma saying, "Come on, say Grandma...MiMi....etc" and then when the GC finally calls them something, it's a variation of what the GP was trying to get them to say and it sticks.  So I do get the whole, the GC named me.  Now, if DIL didn't like it spelled with the word Mom in it, I also get that as she probably felt that title should be reserved for her.  Changing the spelling is no biggie as the GC are still going to pronounce it however they do.

I will hold up for you on the babysitting in this case.  One of my good friends had twins, and she stayed at home for a few years.  Her Mother did come help her out several times a week because the twins exhausted her.  It wasn't that she was lazy or looking to pawn them off on anyone, it was just simply help for her and sometimes was the only way she got a shower for the day.  No one busted her Mother's chops over it and we all thought it was nice of her Mother to help (her Mother didn't work outside the home either).  So why should it be any different for a DS that is a stay at home parent that happens to have a Mother that can and is willing to help out?  I'm with Pen on that one.

I get that DIL may be feeling left out or jealous of the time you are getting to spend with her babies, but the reality is, she chose to go back to work.  Why is that GM's fault and why should GM have to make that right by staying away?  If DS is asking her to help and appreciates it, I'm not quite following where GM has to say no.  If DIL has a problem with the situation, that should be between her and DS. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline LoveMyGrandkids

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #33 on: September 11, 2012, 01:08:53 PM »
Thank you pooh!  I was badly needing some validation.  It does not mean I'm going to insist on my way, but I needed to know I was not being unreasonable, either.  Just for myself, you know?  Taking care of twins is physically exhausting, definitely.  And I really don't think most men are natural nurturers.  I know my son isn't, although he does his best.  I love being able to fill in the gaps, and I love how those tots love me back.  I have compassion for my DIL.  I really do.  But we are still confronted with the situation she created (bossy and controlling --YES!) and I think we are doing the best we can.  I'm going to start saying I and me to them referring to myself, and let the small fry call me what they choose.  I may even sign my cards and gifts to them as PawPaw and ME!  The most important thing to me is to be in their lives.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #34 on: September 11, 2012, 01:49:53 PM »
I truly think that if DS is asking for you to help him out some, and you want to and have the time to do it, nothing wrong with it.  If DIL doesn't like it, then that is a conversation she needs to take up with DS and hash out.  If my MIL was helping my DH with our twins, I would be grateful that he had someone to help at times and give him a break.  Just the same as if I was staying home with twins, I would be grateful for some help from DM, MIL, or a friend at times I am sure. 

Now, I also would be very willing to be compromising if DIL had some requests.  I think it's natural for the Mom to want certain things, and I don't think there is anything wrong with a GM trying to be accomodating if it's reasonable requests that can be fulfilled easily.  I think you should sign the cards, PawPaw and MawMaw.  Like I said, the kids are going to pronounce it however they want.  My Mom liked the idea of being a "MamMaw".  My first niece called her "MeMaw" now matter how hard my Mom tried to get her to say it the other way.  She finally gave up and has been a MeMaw to all the GC for 27 years.  :D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Scoop

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #35 on: September 12, 2012, 06:12:42 AM »
I still think it goes back to a problem within the DS and the DIL's marriage.  I can TOTALLY see any one of these resentment causing scenarios playing out.

- DIL works all day
- DS has MIL's help wrangling the twins
- when DIL comes home, the DS says "that's it, my day is done, I'm too tired to do anything else" and she has to do the rest of the evening by herself

or
- DIL works all day
- DS has MIL's help wrangling the twins, such that it's a full day playdate
- when DIL gets home, she still has to make supper, wash dishes and clothes and doesn't get to 'enjoy' her kids at all

or

- DIL works all day
- DS works with the twins & the house all day
- DIL gets up with the babies all night
- DS gets all the kudos for being a 'super Dad'

or

- DIL works all day
- when she gets home, DS fills her head with all of the fun things the twins did with their Momma (is that how you pronounce MomMaw?)

And the thing is, you can't know what's going on in their marriage, it's none of your business and it's impossible to know it ALL.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #36 on: September 12, 2012, 06:39:59 AM »
I agree Scoop.  I think it is between them and GM or whoever is helping out shouldn't have to be the scapegoat or not see the GC because of any of those possible scenarios.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Grammie

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #37 on: September 12, 2012, 10:07:24 AM »
I think it is between them and GM or whoever is helping out shouldn't have to be the scapegoat or not see the GC because of any of those possible scenarios.

Very true Pooh but we know that's not how it works.  Some people don't need a reason that makes sense.  I'm living proof of that!
« Last Edit: September 12, 2012, 07:02:06 PM by luise.volta »
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.   
 ~ Denis Waitley ~

Offline LoveMyGrandkids

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #38 on: September 12, 2012, 11:33:27 AM »
This GM thanks all of you for your kindness and support.  I think I know how to proceed.  The main thing for me will be to be sensitive to any undercurrents and deal with them directly.  I don't want to know private things about their marriage.  I just want the info I need to care for the little ones.  I think I have been a hostage to fear, and that must stop.  Seriously, if I am to be cut out, it will happen sooner or later regardless of what I do.  Who of us can live in relationships without ever making a wrong move?  It is my job to be loving and supportive.  In the end, the most loving thing I can do for those two tots that I love so deeply is support their parents marriage so their home is secure.  That is the greatest love of all.  Again, thank you all and I will pray that every broken heart represented here receives health and healing.  Good-bye!  Maybe I'll see some of you on the boards on other discussion threads.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #39 on: September 12, 2012, 07:02:45 PM »
Good luck!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Different situation
« Reply #40 on: September 12, 2012, 07:04:11 PM »
LMGK, best wishes! I'm glad you are here and hope you'll be posting on other threads :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb