Author Topic: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH  (Read 7814 times)

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AnnieB

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Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« on: August 20, 2009, 11:08:14 AM »
I text messaged my son to find out if my letter of apology got read -- it was intended to be a way to open communications with my DIL.   On the bright side (depending on your view of the world), they are still together.   On the other side, she hasn't read my letter.  It's there.  But "this will take a while" my son said.

I had planned to call her on her birthday to touch base... but now of course I won't.  I told him that and also said I was done with the drama.  Feel like I'm digging my own hole, but.. really, she is making such a huge drama over something that doesn't have to be a major event.   And it's just so rude not even to open my letter. 

(link is back to some of the essence of the story, which I wish I could forget). 


http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,5.msg555.html#msg555
Would I have children again, Ann Landers?   Let me think on that...

« Last Edit: August 21, 2009, 03:40:50 AM by AnnieB »

just2baccepted

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2009, 12:11:03 PM »
AnnieB - I bet DIL did read the letter she's just being a turkey.  I'm just curious what would happen if you asked your son to see you without his petty wife?  Would crap hit the fan?  I just think if I was in that situation possibly I would ask my son if we could start a relationship without DIL since DIL obviously doesn't want to see you.  Just throwing that out there.

By the way I'm the one that gave you a +, the reason I did was because one your answers was so good that I plan to read it to my hubby!

AnnieB

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2009, 12:25:41 PM »
Aw, just2b, thank you!   ;D

That's real good advice which I intend to use... 

After I posted I called a friend who is a sounding board and therapist (she's about to become a MIL, let us pray)....  she essentially said the same thing, too, so with advice from 2 wise women, as soon as I cool down a bit, that's where I am going.   

Just not gonna play the game anymore, this is now the DIL's drama.

Sad thing is, by responding (or not) as she has, she's taken a bad situation and made it so much worse.   At this point I do not care what she does with my letter. Growing up verbally put down and abused by my mother, it took some time and therapy for me to be able to recognize it. 

If my son accepts if for himself that's his choice.  But she's trying to control and manipulate and abuse me with this condescending behavior - it makes me feel a sickness in my stomach (because it's familiar).   I just can't allow her to treat me like that.

I truly wish my son wouldn't allow her to do this to his mother, either.  Or himself.  Or his son.  But... that's another step.  I do want to stay in touch with him (more difficult since he's so far away).

Thanks! 
« Last Edit: August 20, 2009, 12:30:16 PM by AnnieB »

Prissy

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2009, 01:09:52 PM »
Oh, AnnieB!!!!!!  Oh my goodness!  If you ask to see son without DIL's permission it will be H. E. DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS!!!  This is one of the Daughter in law rules.

I'm so afraid for you to do that.  I might be wrong in this case but I've read so many, many things about "his needy Mother asked to see my DH without my permission.  She has crossed the boundaries.  They are meeting in secret. 

He will tell her what you said and she will draw her own conclusions. It could be good and it could be awful.  No matter what your son says to her, she will use this against you, I fear.

Do what your heart tells you to do but oh my gosh!!! Could be danger!!

Prissy

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2009, 02:53:43 PM »
Dear Sassy,
I wish you and your soon to be husband all the best.  I hope that over time, her heart will not be as hardened toward you and she will learn her lesson. It seems like you've done all you can.  :)

AnnieB

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2009, 04:41:18 PM »
Oh, AnnieB!!!!!!  Oh my goodness!  If you ask to see son without DIL's permission it will be H. E. DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS!!!  This is one of the Daughter in law rules.

I'm so afraid for you to do that.  I might be wrong in this case but I've read so many, many things about "his needy Mother asked to see my DH without my permission.  She has crossed the boundaries.  They are meeting in secret. 

He will tell her what you said and she will draw her own conclusions. It could be good and it could be awful.  No matter what your son says to her, she will use this against you, I fear.

Do what your heart tells you to do but oh my gosh!!! Could be danger!!

 ;D  I love that H E Double Toothpicks!!!!  ;D ;D ;D

You know, sometimes you do something and it feels right... that's what this felt like.  A light went on, a load lifted.   

Enough is enough.  She has been controlling him by controlling me, and I was letting her control me.

No more.

I am not going to be involved in the game.  Whether or not he tells her is his decision.  If I'm out,  I'm out.   As are his two brothers.  And possibly his father (we are friends).

This is not how I can continue to live my life and be whole and well.  I don't believe I'll lose him for good -- but that's the chance I take.  If I continue to let her manipulate me, I'm encouraging my son to accept her abuse and demonstrating to myself and my 18 year old son that I allow myself to be abused.   There comes a time when you just have to say, no more.

But thank you for your kind words....  :D


Prissy

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2009, 05:07:25 PM »
I think when you reach the point where you are, then all bets are off.  It's easier to say your piece when you know what might be coming and you're prepared for it.

Many blessings!!!!!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2009, 07:48:19 PM »
Well, you sound pretty sure of yourself. That's good. My guess is that Prissy is right but if you are willing to suffer the consequences...then the time has come.

I once told my son I "had no choice" regarding some kind of an issue, (I've forgotten what), but I haven't forgotten what he said..."There are always choices, we just don't want to face the consequences of our actions."

The fact that you have felt a weight lift feels promising to me. I can usually depend on that kind of response in myself as a thumbs up.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Prissy

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2009, 08:07:29 AM »
That is wonderful, Anna!!!  She holds the key to any relationship with your son!  Without her okay, it's not happening.

I think that women (I am one so I can elaborate) have taken their role as "boss" to the max in today's world. Sure, in the past, women were treated horribly in some cases but really, they rule today.

In some ways this has emasculated men; they don't know where they fit in.  They are laughing stocks on TV. They are shown as bumbling idiots so no wonder they get in the corner and say nothing when a relationship problem arises.  They want a happy home?  Obey the wife.

I'm seeing a reduction in the number of people who even think marriage is worth it.  Men seem more reluctant than ever to get into the institution.

I have a friend whose son did the strangest thing after his divorce from his wife.  He started dating this great young woman and asked her:  "look, I love my parents and that includes my Mother. I want to marry you because I love you but I need to ask you to treat my Mother with respect and not hound me night and day about who I love the best. I also ask you to act like you care for her when you're around her.  Can you do that?"

Listen to her reply: "I would never even consider marrying you unless you respected your parents.  If I see that you treat your Mother right, I know you'll treat me right.  So, on those grounds, yes, I'll marry you."


just2baccepted

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2009, 08:26:02 AM »
Oh I'm so glad!!  Its a step right?  I will certainly pray that she will have her heart open to you.  I believe in miracles and and that God can do anything!

Prissy

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2009, 08:32:22 AM »
 :-\

Prissy

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2009, 08:35:06 AM »
Where did my post go?  I was going on and on about my pluses and poof!, it left the earth.  >:(

I was telling you all how conceited I am getting and totally full of myself. YAY  :P

I'm gaining on Luise.  Oh, the joy!  :-[

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2009, 03:00:07 PM »
I would be extremely careful about using writing as a medium for resolution. It is sequentially unilateral and you don't get the tone of voice, the facial expression or the body language, so it is very easy to make assumptions on both sides. It can also easily accelerate through misunderstanding.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

just2baccepted

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2009, 03:42:04 PM »
Prissy when you said   "I have a friend whose son did the strangest thing after his divorce from his wife.  He started dating this great young woman and asked her:  "look, I love my parents and that includes my Mother. I want to marry you because I love you but I need to ask you to treat my Mother with respect and not hound me night and day about who I love the best. I also ask you to act like you care for her when you're around her.  Can you do that?"

I have to be honest the first thing that would go through my mind is one of two things:  Is he a momma's boy who can't indivuate from his mom?  Or is there something wrong with his mom or family that would cause me to not want to be close to them.  See that's my life experiences coming into play.

I know that's a tough one.

Prissy

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Re: Grrrrr and OUCHHHH
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2009, 03:50:57 PM »
Just2be,
This guy was married to a woman who not only berated him constantly but also was not nice to his Mother in front of him.

He's a great guy, great looking with the best parents. His Mom is the cutest thing and their family is a good one. His Mother told me that his wife hurt her feelings so much when she would talk to him the way she did.

His Mom never said anything to his wife but he divorced her because of the way she treated him and, the unnecessary way she treated his Mother.  She was a mean little woman.  No reason on earth to treat them like that and for sure her own husband.

The new wife is darling.....loves all of them and if you could see the pictures from Christmas of him when he was with his former wife and the new one?  You would not know this was the same guy.  He is so happy.  Just beaming.