Author Topic: Please release me Let me Go  (Read 2015 times)

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Offline Smilesback@u

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Please release me Let me Go
« on: July 16, 2012, 10:50:34 AM »
Remember that song?? After completing a visit to DS/DIL/GC which I have posted about recently, I have been struggling with the aftermath of stress from a cross country visit let alone the trip itself.  Since I was not meeting my needs on the visit,  I realize I am responsible to plan better next time for me, myself and I.  Yes, I already am planning Thanksgiving to visit them and putting on some limits as a wise woman should.  I will stay at a motel a couple nights and visit Thanksgiving day and the next day only.  Short visits are more comfortable for me so I will stop worrying about how they will feel about that.  I already know from experience how they feel about that.   They do not like it, and that sounds real friendly and all on the surface, but when it comes down to the visit, they do not want to entertain.  They want me to work when I visit them, though.  I don't see that they need that at all anymore.  I help when they need it gladly.  I don't want to work when I visit to prove anything, my love or whatever.  We were never asked one time if we would like anything to eat or drink as an example of lack of consideration.  IT feels like Everyman for himself - and I am disgusted by that.   It is just too stressful staying with them in my opinion.  I own that it is partly stressful because of my expectations, I admit.  I also find fending for myself at their house for meals and being under pressure to pay for everybody's way a big turn-off to visiting them.  I don't see myself as Money Bags.  I am GM and love the GC - good times, fun times, laughs, drying tears, hugs - all the good stuff.  Not the drama of making me babysit or pay for things. So my visits will mean that I stay in a motel, eat out, come and go as I please, plan when to come over, as well as agree to *go dutch* ahead of time.  I will do this with grace and no vengeance.  That has been my process to date, getting over being mad, and accepting responsibility to make my visit and life better.  I feel after two weeks like I am getting back to normal.  So I was quite surprised to hear from my DSs this week as they did not seem interested in talking with me when I was there.  I did not like how they talked to me when they did as it was with disrespect for not cooking and babysitting.  They called me in order to ask for help.  HUH??? One to have a loan for a down payment on a house next year.  The other called last night to discuss which job to take and how hard it is to live on 60K with his student loans.  (That's more than I make - let me tell you.)  Anyways,  I am so done with psyching myself out over what my DSs are doing to me.  They have no idea of who they are dealing with, as I still see myself as Their Mother to be honored and respected.  I will always have strong feelings about my role and expect respect from them.  I actually feel like thanking them for their calls now.  Because of these *guilt trips* they gave me,  they may think this approach works to soften me up to feel that I owe them in order to keep their love.  This does not mean that at all to me.  I will not be giving them what they want ever with poor behaviors.  This seems so logical makes me want to laugh.  Where they learned this business I don't know, because it has always hardened my heart when I feel manipulated.  SOOOO, now I feel pretty doggone determined to detach from them and let them deal with their money problems.  I know I will not be seeing them except a couple times a year and get calls now and then.  It is not that hard to let go of the past, just do it!  Instead I will focus my money and time on my health, my HB and our life together.  I do not need to say anything about any of this to them, as their behaviors speak volumes of what they need from their mother -- they are sending me a big cry out *PLEASE RELEASE ME LET ME GO!*  So off you go DSs, you are all grown up, see ya, bye-bye-bye, do write and stay in touch.  Had to share my epiphany with you all.  :-X

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Offline Doe

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2012, 11:28:06 AM »
Wonderful affirmation, SB@U!

As I was reading it, I was also listening to someone who called in to the Dave Ramsey show who talked about paying off his student loans.   What a great gift for your son!  A copy of "The Total Money Makeover" and a list of where he can listen to DR everyday for inspiration.      He can't have your money but he can have all your advice about how you have kept your money all these years.

 :D :D :D

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2012, 11:44:28 AM »
Thanks Doe, I am trying to see how earnest my DSs are being with me and it is hard.  I am not expected to pay for any of their student loans or make it easier for them to get a good interest rate by forking over my cash.  Even if it is a loan for 2 years with interest!  If you want to do that for him, send me your email and I will forward it to him.   ;)

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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2012, 12:04:13 PM »
My take: we release ourselves. It's a conscious choice once we move beyond the necessary steps (for most of us) of self pity, railing against injustice, feeling helpless and fighting for our very reasonable but unmet expectations. When we attemp to find shortcuts around all of the above, they just seem to extend it. Each one of us does it in her own way and in her own time. It is so inspiring to read about it here almost every day. You are all amazing!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2012, 12:33:53 PM »
Thanks luise, nice laying it out there.  I agree with you that there really isn't any special route to take to get through these changes.  Remember this song from childhood?  *You can't go under it, you can't go over it, you can't go around it, you got to go through it!*  I also like the CW Rodney Atkins' song, *Well you know those times, When you feel like there's a sign there on your back, Says I don't mind if ya kick me, Seems like everybody has, Things go from bad to worse, You'd think they can't get worse than that, And then they do...If you are going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it; you might get out before the devil even knows you're there. ...But the good news Is there's angels everywhere out on the street, Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long, You're on your knees, You might as well be praying, Guess what I'm saying:  Yeah, If you're going through hell, Keep on moving, face that fire, Walk right through it, You might get out before the devil even knows you're there.*  Seems to fit for me to know it is tough, I got to be tough, and that's with your WWU help, and I will be alright.  Godspeed y'all.     

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Offline Footloose

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2012, 06:27:01 AM »
Smiles, I LOVE your plan and determination.  What ever you do, please do NOT co-sign on a 30 yr mortgage or any term mortgage for ANYONE! I was asked and had to decline as i could not be held responsible for such a big item for so many years.  i was asked to "help" w/ the down payment with, "I'll pay u back once we get the Obamma "rebate" (tax to others not on the receiving end)  of $8k."  Still, sorry, do not have liquid assets to pull from.  I suspect he got it from her parents who remain in financial disaster.  None o my business.  All I know is his history of never paying me back and then me later gifting the balance just to do away with the conflict.  So I set the tone of zero repayment on his "loans".  My bad but hey, i'm learning still and hope to till the day I die.

If I ever get asked again, I already know the answer, "NOPE!"

i gave my son everything he needed and wanted to make his own way so he is more than capable w/o any help from me.  Mom and Pop's Bank and Loan is forever closed.

Smiles, you set a great example and are so helpful to others in sharing your stories with us.  Keep it up.

Hugs <3

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2012, 07:54:50 AM »
FL, I really needed your help on this.  I waiver.  I have not been sleeping well and dread the phone calls asking if I will help.  So I will honor my position and say no I don't think so.  And see where the cards will fall then.  (Thanks for your info too -- helps me a lot!)

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Offline Keys Girl

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #7 on: July 17, 2012, 08:01:41 AM »
Godspeed to everyone, what great advice here.

I'll bet Susie Ormon could do a dozen shows on the topic of AC borrowing money/signing authority from their parents.

KG

PS. I said "No" to the questions of borrowing money for many wedding related issues (mostly the booze for the booze soaked reception) that I wasn't invited to.  I don't regret it a bit, if you are having trouble with the phone calls, turn off the phone or give it to someone else to answer for a week or two, and get a cheap pay as you go phone to tide you over the hump.  The drip method of dripping on people until they give in is hard to deal with but it's a good idea to make them drip on someone else, like the local bank manager. 
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2012, 08:37:24 AM »
 ;D  The drip method...absolutely drives me nuts!!!  Thanks KeysG.  I am avoiding calling them as well.  I am working on releasing myself from my hang ups about giving money to DSs.  Nice to have the wind behind my sails on this from you.  sending cheers!

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Offline Scoop

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2012, 08:44:52 AM »
Smiles - stay strong!

If your AC will just have to learn to live within their means - GASP - I know!  It's character-building to have to work for what we have.

If they ask for help, then you can surely help them - offer to look for cheaper housing for them, offer to look up second job opportunities, offer to help them sell their 'stuff' on ebay.  Tell them that your financial planner has advised you to watch your pennies now, or else you'll be living with one of your kids in your old age, and say "we all know how well THAT would go! Ha ha."

Or else, tell each of them that you can't afford to help both of them, and you want to be fair.

Or else, tell them that you don't like mixing money into your relationships, it just makes them sour.  That you would HATE it if they became bitter towards you because of money.

I worry about this situation with my DD.  DH and I have done pretty well for ourselves.  She's growing up in a big house, with a cleaning lady, good cuts of meat, almost anything we want, we buy.  She's in for a harsh wake up call when she has to live on her "starter job" salary, clean her own place and buy the food she can afford.

Offline Footloose

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2012, 08:51:18 AM »
LOL  Scoop!  Sell their stuff on Ebay!?  i love it!  ;D
'we need to save for our retirement else we'd have to move in with you....BAHAHAHA!!!!

The economy is an excuse we ALL can use!  Be honest and tell them u do not have it available and u cannot be held responsible for a note if they ever get to the point of being unable to pay. 

Hugs!  Thanks for the giggle:)

Offline Elise

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2012, 10:20:48 AM »
My son grew up with everything any kid could want materially, though experienced a big change in life style when I retired and moved him out of the big city at 13, in terms of status. I always told him I would pay for the first degree as long as he worked hard and he was required to start working for money at 14 for his contribution to college. other than medical insurance for a few months after college, he  moved right into taking care of himself in terms of money without a hitch. Once he got together with his now wife there were a few forays into things like asking me to buy his grad school debt which he would repay me at an advantageous interest rate to me while at the same time decreasing his outside loan rate ( I declined) or asking me to take out life insurance on myself so I could spend my money on me once the financial crises hit a few years ago ( to which I asked if they were asking her parents to do the same - no was the answer) there hasn't really been anything else asked directly. While I did and do hope to leave something to him when I die, that is not a certainty and I thought it very presumptuous. I did get pulled in by myself to helping with a new used car for them and paid for way too much of the wedding stuff, though that was my doing and not directly asked by him. There is a lot of wisdom imho in the old adage  "neither a borrower nor a lender be when it comes to family". When ds says anything now about money and expenses, I just tell him back how I am saving for a new car or to replace one of my furnaces, which is true and the subject changes. Works for me, at least to date.

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #12 on: July 17, 2012, 01:27:01 PM »
I best take heed of these situations where the intention is to pay back and it doesn't happen.  My answers are going to be we don't have the cash to lend.  And leave it at that, hopefully, they will not belabor the point.  And if they do, well, the proverbial *Sorry* will be my one word answer, next to *No.*

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Offline Pen

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #13 on: July 17, 2012, 01:45:00 PM »
Smiles, you don't even have to say you're sorry...if they keep hassling you about it, just keep repeating, "Nevertheless, we don't have the cash to give you." End of discussion, eventually.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

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Re: Please release me Let me Go
« Reply #14 on: July 17, 2012, 03:29:32 PM »
Good for you, Smiles!! 

I really think you are doing the best thing for them -- otherwise, when would they learn to manage their own money and live on their own means?
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift