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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Wills

Started by Scoop, April 27, 2010, 09:53:57 AM

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Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

alohomora

Anna it sounds like you're in a tough spot. If I understand correctly, DIL and son work full time so you take the kids during the week?

I'm sure you and your husband could understand that given their situation, to give up their kids another day when they are actually able to spend morning to night with their own kids, would be a lot to ask. Is this why DIL balked at the idea?

Does your husband have vacation days from his work? Perhaps he could take one day off a month , if at all possible, or an afternoon even, and that can be grandpa day? That way everyone wins..

Pen

Anna, good post. So often what the kids want and need is left out of the discussion. We as parents and grandparents must put our egos aside and do the right thing. Most children love and need grandparents, friends, & extended family in addition to loving parents. 
Quote from: Anna on April 29, 2010, 04:57:18 AM
I do get to see my gc on a fairly regular basis because Iam the full time care-giver.  My hubby wanted to see them also, & since he works full time, the only chance he has to do this is on weekends.  So we asked for weekend visits, so that he could have some time with his grandkids too.  Our gc absolutely adore their Papa.  It's Papa this, & Papa that, so when at first we were denied these visits my hubby was terribly hurt.  He's not one to show the world how hurt he is, but I sure saw it.  He said "what did I do that would make my own son not allow me visits with his children?"  So when son & dil denied us these visits at first, I think dil thought that I get enough time with them, so why should I get more, but the person she really hurt was my hubby, her husbands father.  It broke my heart to watch him try & figure out what he did to deserve such treatment.  So to the dils out there that would deny the grandparents visits because they don't get along with mil, you need to ask yourself, do my children love their grandparents?  Are the grandparents good to & for my children?  If the answer is yes, then they should be allowed lots of time together.  If you are denying access because of how you feel, because you & your mil don't see eye to eye, then maybe you need to put those feelings aside, & think of your children, what is good for them, & not about how you feel.  If you can just take a step back, & ask yourself, am I doing what's in the best interest of my children, & be totally honest with yourself, I think some of you may be surprised at the answer.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Hope

Quote from: kathleen on April 29, 2010, 04:02:10 AM
Anna,

I believe in personal responsibility.  At the bottom line, how we act is up to us.  As you point out, your son should do what's right, but so often people don't.  They don't see it as you do.  I made a very polite request to my son to have some time with him and his family on holidays, and another member of this list wrote to me and said this was "dictatorial" and her own MIL tried to "pull something like this."  That's her perspective.  Even to ask it to be considered interfering, no matter what I've contributed to their lives, according to this writer---or how little we have seen them.  I also think it is a cultural norm now to consider in-laws a joke, evil, interfering, and so on.  Perhaps this generation won't feel this quite so strongly when they are in-laws themselves.  But for now, if you accept a lot of money and stuff from people who are basically a joke and/or people to be used and discarded, what's the problem?  That's an attitude I see.

(On this note, has anyone seen the Klondike ice cream bar commercial with the hag of a mother-in-law sitting on the couch with the son-in-law?  His punishment for something is having to watch TV and eat ice cream with her.  It's so awful, I will never again purchase one of their products.)

Having said that, two societal factors are at work and at odds with each other:  the constant materialistic marketing going on everywhere to buy, buy, buy, whether you have the money or not, creating the "sense of entitlement" you mention, and the recession, which has cut into income.  I understand these factors, yet I can't personally relate to overspending and then expecting your parents/in-laws to pick up the slack.  My DIL compares herself to a wealthy friend; when the friend had a house, DIL had to have a house; when friend had a baby, she did also.  The trouble is she is not wealthy and depends on maxing out her credit cards to get the stuff she wants.

But perhaps I am not so healthy about money either.  Raised by a Depression-era mother who watched every penny, I became very fearful of spending. I don't know if that's good.  Fortunately my husband and I agreed on this and we never bought a single thing we could not afford.  We worked and saved and thus were able to help our kids by paying all tuitions and the house money for the son who has no time for us.  I wonder now if he was indulged too much; if he saw all this as easy come, easy go; after all, he's not the one who worked 24-7 to establish a business, as I did.  I was frankly against giving them the house money; it took me six months to earn that money; but my husband was operating out of some guilt, and he finally wore me down.  He had the unrealistic idea that helping them buy the house would also buy love.  It never works that way, does it?  I wish now I had been stronger, because all that happened was that I worked for six months to give to people who now shut us out.

I am sorry for you are going through this.  If we have other chances with other children, perhaps we can put the brakes on the gravy train and expect more of them financially.  We have done this with my youngest son and he has gone from being carefree with money to being totally responsible, paying all his own bills, and beginning to save.  Whereas the one who got the money from us for the house is obviously now mired in bills and collection agencies.  Excess is never enough, is it?  It may have been our fault giving our son way too much.

Basically when it comes to money and families, it seems to be an explosive issue in so many cases.  I think we'd all be better off without funding a lot of stuff for our kids.  But then, we love them, and we see how hard the economy is right now.  It's hard to know what to do.

Good luck, Anna, keep us posted,

Kathleen
Kathleen,
You make a lot of sense.  Great post!  I'm so glad you joined our group - you have so much to offer.  Sounds like you made a break through with your younger son.  Keep up the good work and stay strong!
Sending hugs, Hope

Pen

I agree, Hope. Kathleen's post addresses a lot of issues that affect parents and adult children. I also agree that there are more jokes about MILs than DILs, and that our society generally doesn't treat older people, especially women, with dignity. DH & I worked hard to make sure DS didn't start adulthood thousands of dollars in debt from student loans, but we're pretty much ignored these days.

Greediness and a sense of entitlement can show up in any generation; I know older people who exhibit those traits.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Nana

Kathleen:

Very good post.  I agree with you.  I have thought that.  Wait til their childrens grow and get married and they will get to taste some of their own medicine.  Oh Yes...they will.   To these new generation....everything is interference when it comes to in-laws.   It is so sad.  They dont know what hey are missing.  It is a blessing to their children having their grandparents love them.   I thank God that my dil  did change against all odds.  My friends would tell me that my dil would never change and would never love me.  If she loves me I dont know (when she was about to have her second baby she called me (I was out of town) and ask me to do everything possible to and be in time for the delivery.  She added"" Ï love you". 

I really think that   being a Grandmother  it is how life and God  crowns you for being a good caring mother.  When things go wrong it is so tough on us mils.   

My mil still lives (she is 90).  I was always treated like a daughter (her son was the only boy in the family) andI  love her like my second mother. 
When I had a rocky time with my husband (long story) about 10 years ago, she stood by my side all the time, so did my sisters-in-law.   As he was the one in fault, they didnt even speak to him.  Instead they were always at my home (he left for 9 months and came back).   Besides the financial support, you never kinow when you could need your in-laws to stand by you.    My mother (died) was also an excellent mil and everyone loved her deeply.     Just give these young girls time and they will regret all the suffering and humiliation they caused. 

I wish you the best.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

kathleen

Hope, I love your "hugs."  You make me feel warm and welcome, Kathleen