Grand daughter born on Father's Day

[themuffin]

Good Morning Wise Women!!!

    I am happy to report that yesterday my DS became a first time dad on Father's Day!   And I am thrilled over the moon for him.  As happy as an event that it was, the day was not without it's emotional drama. I know that FDIL and I are not close and probably never will be.  Hence, I perfectly understood not being told immediately when she was taken to the hospital.  In fact, DS sent me a text at 8:30 am telling me she was six cmm.  He even called and give a brief update a few minutes later. We didn't go to the hospital because we knew she wouldn't want us there.  Having a baby is not easy and we weren't going to add any stress.  I didn't even text or call, thinking it best to wait.  However, by 11:15 I caved in and sent a text asking how many cmm now?  A minute later I get the text saying my grandbaby had been born 25 minutes ago.  That stung a bit. Why did I have to wait 25 minutes?  How long would have taken DS to text "She's here".  Okay, still a little hurt that I was not allowed to be there, and not notified when she arrived...but I let it go.  I asked DS when we could come see her. He texted back, "I'll let u noe".  I was a bit stunned...Let me know?  How about "Now"  After what seemed like forever I texted him back that I wouldn't come so as not to spoil their day. Surely, FDIL didn't want us there.  I told him to give GC a kiss for us and tell her that we loved her and would be there if we could.

Guess this made him feel guilty because he said we should come.  But by now I had started my own pity party.  FDIL's mom was there.  She got to watch that baby enter the world and to hold her shortly after birth. She got to experience what I was excluded from.  I didn't expect to be wanted there for the birth but I didn't think I would need an invitation after.  I know....Pity party.  Anyhoo...those new grandma emotions got the best of me and I just cried and cried.  DS did call and repeatedly ask that I come and even had the audacity to tell me he was hurt.  I tried to explain that I didn't want to come now because I didn't want to bring negative energy to this beautiful event.  I didn't react with anger..I just let him know I was hurt.  I also tried to let him know that it was my problem and not his and that he should enjoy his daughter.  He insisted that he wanted me to meet his daughter so I came. I cried as soon as I entered the room and went to the bathroom.  I came out. DS immediately tried to hand her to me.  I declined....not to be mean but because she was so little.  He gave her to my DH who seemed to immediately bond with her.  I held her shortly before we left for less than a minute...I was afraid to bond.

Ladies, I know that I am blessed to be included in any way.  I am blessed that my first grandchild entered the world healthy.  I am blessed that I will be allowed to be in her life in any way.  I know this...I know many of the wise women here who were completely excluded would switch places with me in a minute.  Sooo....my pity party ends here.   

Still the day was nothing like I had dreamed of all these years.  I went home to where my youngest DS lives with his fiance and my 11 month old granddaughter (by love and heart) lives.  She was sleeping but woke up when I entered the room.  I held that beautiful little girl and felt so much love in my heart, and SOOOO Blessed that she was in my life.  I then thought of when new grandchild would be arriving.  Not until Feb. 2013.  But I felt joy knowing that I would be there for the new baby, start to finish.  Yes, life is good.....

Have a wonderful day WW!!!!

[Doe]

Muff-
You had me going on your roller coaster.  Happy for you, sad for you and back happy again! Another day of life on earth.  So glad your DH got that special Father's Day bonding.  I'm sure yours will come along, too.

[themuffin]

Awww...Thanks Doe!!!  Yep, it is a rollercoaster, LOL.  Today I am happy!   

[luise.volta]

Reading your post I thought, "Wow, what a roller-coaster," and then I read Doe's message. Yup, I bet we were all there when we read that post! We all have hopes and dreams, pictures in our minds and expectations. Some very grown up stuff and some from long, long ago. You did very well riding the wave! CONGRATULATIONS!

[lancaster lady]

Congratulations !
A precious GD to melt your heart , I'm sure she will ...

[Scoop]

Muffin - I think I have my crankypants on today, so please take what I'm about to write with a grain of salt.

Really?  The instant the baby was born, he should have texted you?  Not, say, LOOKED at his baby, or kissed his wife, or held the baby, or any other number of things that were MORE on his mind at that time.  Do you remember the feeling of awe when you held your first baby?  And it's WORSE for Dads because they often don't connect pregnancy with a real baby until said baby is THERE in front of them.  What a shock!   You're complaining about 25 minutes, when theoretically the placenta may not have even come yet or DIL may have still been getting stitched up.  There's a lot of 'cleaning up' required after a baby is born,  the phone calls don't usually happen until the Mom is settled into her hospital room.

Now, I have to tell you that *I* got my back up over your comment of "I wouldn't come so as not to spoil their day. Surely, FDIL didn't want us there.  I told him to give GC a kiss for us and tell her that we loved her and would be there if we could."  To me, this is just causing drama at a time in their lives where A) additional drama is not required and B) they will remember everything about this day.  It was the "tell her we would be there if we could", since the wee baby doesn't understand such things, this would be perceived as a dig, as if you were not ALLOWED to go.  They just didn't know when DIL would be ready to receive guests and said that they would let you know.  DS obviously wanted you there, just not right-this-second.

"DS did call and repeatedly ask that I come and even had the audacity to tell me he was hurt."  Of course he was hurt, you were REFUSING to come to the hospital to see his new baby.  And, I'm pretty sure he was resentful that he had to BEG you to come.

"I cried as soon as I entered the room and went to the bathroom.  I came out. DS immediately tried to hand her to me.  I declined....not to be mean but because she was so little.  He gave her to my DH who seemed to immediately bond with her.  I held her shortly before we left for less than a minute...I was afraid to bond."  Drama, drama and MORE drama.  You ran to the bathroom instead of passing them off as happy tears.  You refused to hold the baby.  Now, you're "afraid to bond".  That is just TOO MUCH DRAMA on a day that had NOTHING to do with you.  The only requirement for you was to be happy for your DS and to welcome the little one to the world.

Muffin, I think you need to do some MAJOR damage control on this.  Your actions are going to be perceived as those of a self-centered drama queen.  I know that you have your reasons for everything you did, but I tell you, from a DIL perspective, that's how your actions will be perceived.  Good luck, because this is going to be a hard one to come back from.  Again, from a DIL's perspective, it doesn't matter how my MIL treats me, as long as she's good to my kid.   And in this case, it could easily be considered that you rejected this baby, right from the beginning.

[Footloose]

Scoop?!  Cranky pants on?  INDEED!  Be a little softer with your message?  While you may be valid with your comments, please show a little support and sensitivity?  It DID have to do with all who love this new family and it did include the grandmoms too, BOTH of them.  She felt slighted cuz she was not included at the beginning like the FOO was.  This is a new experience so we do not have instructions. 

Muffin,  Scoop is right about treading carefully here. Do not compare your time vs FOO time.  They most likely will NOT match.  Take your crumbs and watch your step? 

I do not want to diminish your sheer joy but please DO NOT be like ME.  Hold your expectations to ZERO.  Hugs to you dear Gandmom! 

[Scoop]

Get this Footloose - that *WAS* my sensitive response.

[Pooh]

Congratulations muffin.  I was like Doe and Luise, feeling I was on a roller-coaster reading how the day went for you.  I'm very sorry you were not included in hospital group but was glad to hear that DS was trying to include you by texting and calling.  I do understand your fear of bonding with the new GC, as your relationship with DIL to date would make you wary of if you will get time with the GC.  Fear and trying to not have expectations we lead us to do this for self-protection.  I hope your DS continues to keep you in GC's life and provide you with updates. 

[lancaster lady]

Haha ...good 'ole Scoop , you never change ....!

[themuffin]

Thanks you so much for your kind words Footloose....I appreciate it.     I'm used to Scoop.  I don't think she's ever written anything kind or supportive to me.  It bothered me in the beginning but not anymore. 

Scoop this was my first grandchild.   I think I handled the situation wonderfully.  And I'll tell you why.

1. I didn't rush to the hospital as I knew our presence would upset FDIL. 

2.  Nor did I call or text during this time as I knew this was their special moment. That was difficult because since I was not there I certainly would have loved to at least have updates about the pending birth of my very first grandchild.

3. No one said he should have called the minute after. Why must you exaggerate in order to make your point? However, I did expect to be notified as a grandmother should have, not with facebook friends. And it only takes a minute, if even that, to write "she's here". And although your therory of the placenta sounds good, it's not correct.  DS was there and told me that they were busy taking and sending pictures to her family.  This came directly from DS.  As the grandmother who was selfless enough to keep her distance a text is the least I deserved. Sorry you can't understand that...NOT.

4.  I was going to let all that slide and said nothing.  NOTHING.  I didn't get upset until after I was told I would get notice of when to come.  I was excluded from everything else.  At least allow me to come and view my first granddaughter.  There were no issues.  We would not have stayed long. We just wanted to see her.  Mind you, I didn't even say anything when told to wait.  It was when that wait became extended that I told son that we wouldn't come.   You see, it dawned on me that she truly didn't want us there.  And in what I thought another selfless act I told son that we wouldn't ruin this beautiful day for him. 

5.  DS did ask repeatedly that I come.  I declined.  I declined because I was in a miserable mood after feeling that I was excluded from something so beautiful that I could never get back.  I declined because I thought it would be selfish to take my miserable self into that hospital room and ruin the happiness for those two new parents. I decided that I would keep my miserable self at home although I wanted nothing more than to behold my first grandchild.  When I realized that DS truly wanted me there and that I was indeed making things worst by not coming I cleaned myself up as best I could so that I could be there. 

6.  Yes Scoop, I cried as soon as I set eyes on my grand daughter.  When you set your eyes on your grandchild for the first time you can react any way you want.  I felt many emotions, and why should I have to define them as happy tears because you think I should.  I just cried and since I was all emotional I decided to be emotional in private. 

7. I refused to hold the baby because she was TINY!!! I hadn't held a newborn in many, many years.  I didn't say because I was angry.  I didn't say because I didn't want to.  I said because she was tiny.  But I did hold her. And I cried the tears of joy you thought I should have cried.  And I handed her back to her grandpa and I took pictures and told both mom and dad that they did great.  And then I did another thing I thought was selfless.  I said we would be leaving and allow the new family some time alone.  We stayed less than 30 minutes.  DS left with us and gave me a big hug. 

Scoop your drama comment was not necessary. This was a beautiful life changing event and it was filled with all kinds of emotions by all of us.  And I don't know if you have any grandkids, or will in the future, but if you feel that they have "NOTHING" to do with you that's your opinion.  My grandchildren are an extension of me and they are a part of my family and I intend to love, support and be there for them until the end of my days. 

Scoop you're a DIL and so am I.  But from the many negative, insensitive replies I have personally received from you lead me to feel quite badly for your MIL.  Opps, I guess I just put on my cranky pants. 

[themuffin]

Thanks so much for those kinds words Pooh, and thanks for understanding how I may be afraid.  I don't want to be.  I suppose you'd truly have to be there to know where I was coming from.  If her entry into the world was a indication of how I'm going to welcomed into her life, I'm afraid I'm not going to be nearly as close to her as I would have liked.  Time will tell, but I must protect my heart.

[luise.volta]

OK, you guys...lets call it a draw. And I appreciate the humor that has surfaced here as well. It can get us through many a knot hole. Sending love to all...

[lancaster lady]

It happened to me Muffin , so please let them know you want to be part of her life .
I didn't go to the hospital for my GD's birth , but my DIL's foo were all there .
I didn't see her until she was home , and met the other foo coming out of there also .
So yes I was left out at the beginning , and for the first year , and yes it hurts !
So don't sit back and be left behind , you are part of her family ,  make it known .
I fought for my place and my GD and I are now very close , it's worth fighting for .

[Pooh]

I agree.  We all have some varying opinions, right or wrong....they belong to each of us. 

Lord knows that I have mine.   I shall be going to Walmart after work to find me some cranky pants.  I want some!!!!