Author Topic: I Need Support Badly for Scarry Brother/Alzheimer Mom/Adult Children/Anxiety  (Read 2267 times)

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Offline cdb19

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I decided to post this here for now. I signed up for the Aging with wisdom, but part of this post includes my adult children and their spouses.
My parents ended up being the 2 people that loved me the most no matter what when they moved back near me in 2005. I helped caregive my mom, for weeks to months at a time, traveling back and forth from my home 2 hours away. I watched her fear as she slowly lost her mind and I was the one 3 years ago who had the gutts to lie to her the day we had to put her in an assisted home. It turned out for the best.
My dad became ill in 2010 after having a mechanical heart valve in him and 9 pacemaker's defibulators and 3 staph infections. 2 of which were going to his wires to his heart! He also had parkinsons etc and was the example of what a true survivor is like! Then my world crashed! I finally told him that my marriage was bad (had been for 20 some years) and I was thinking of divorce. I never knew what a wise counselor he was until then! I wish I had talked to him 20 years before, but it is too late.
We went to his urology appt. and were told together he had bladder cancer! The next day we went out to eat and he ended up in severe pain in the hospital the day after with an obstruction. He got over that and had the bladder surgery, fought a battle and got staph infection for 4th time and passed on.
My one brother had made threats to me while he was alive and my dad knew about it. Since 2008 my dad had been telling me my brother was after his money. I finally realized the truth of that when he revealed shocking things to me and others while hospitalized. 3 days before he died he told me NOT to call my brother to let him how sick he was. I had 2 nurses talk to dad and document this.
I got through the funeral the best I could. I had police driving by my parents house because I was scared of my brother and what he would do. He had been committed to a hospital years before for driving by a bosses house 3 nights in a row wanting to hurt him after being fired.
My brother has a wife that enables him and covers up big time. But what my dad told me about him made me realize he and his wife are 2 of a kind. Thank God they live far away.
In 2008 when my dad flew my brother out for a family get together, my dad also told me he only came for his money/mom's too. I was so naive then. Now it has come true! My brother and wife also cornered me for information and predicted how long each of my parents would live! I just remembered that fact last week.
They have been waiting for my mom to die. Not coming to see her! I am sure charging up the cards and spending money like crazy they don't have like my dad said they have done their entire married lives and coming to him to rescue them. I still can't believe this businessman that owned huge companies fell for it! I think he was trying to have hope his son (thief and con) would change.
NO!!! Now I have to deal with him.
I was at my mom's for her birthday a couple weeks ago and he is not allowed to talk to her since a month after my dad died. She doesn't know him and it aggitates her etc. A new worker accidentally let him say hi to her once. He knew I was there that day. A worker told him earlier. He called almost non-stop from 3pm to 5pm demanding to speak to his mom. The owner was not there. One worker almost called the police and knew it was harrasment. He was beligerant to the staff etc.
Problem and Cause for Anxiety: He says he has a plane ticket to come here but we don't know when. I ran things by 2 attorneys and the small assisted living home will be prepared for him and NOT let him see mom if he causes any problems. He has been told that. He may have lied and said he is coming as he is a huge liar.  I feel so scared of him! Even now. I am seeing counselors to help with anxiety, but the fear keeps creeping in.
Problem with grown children: I feel bad they didn't go see my mom for her 81st birthday. Her mind is bad, but she still is a person.
Problem with spouse: No support. Grumpy/not understanding and still angry I spent so much time helping my parents for 5 years plus. He use to say go be there etc. So, my friend says to just ignore him and take care of him. It is hard with such stress you can cut the air in the house with a knfie.
Thanks for reading this if you did.
My health is not good and I am trying to improve. But destressing with this is hard. So, I am reaching out.
PS: My other brother in another country hadn't talked to my parents for over 8 and 1/2 years when dad died. When he found out he is out of the will last November, he quit contacting my mom etc. Good, yet hurtful. Both brothers tried to get charge of my mom but after a court battle they never attended and thousands of dollars, I still have her as stated in the will.
Time to let this go..........the Estate isn't settled. I am working on it.
One other problem: I am pretty much all ALONE in handling all my mom's affairs! I don't understand things and have been so overwhelmed I am lucky to remain just barely getting by with her affairs. I wish my adult children would help. They are too busy with their lives. I feel abandoned by EVERYONE...and I have so much anxiety, it is hard to just take care of me.
cdb

Offline luise.volta

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You haven't been abandoned here, dear one. And Aging with Wisdom is for all ages…since we start to 'age' when we're born. It doesn't make sense…any of it and I deeply admire the way you are slogging through it. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Doe

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cdb19-

I want to remind you what a strong person you must be in order to have taken on this task in the beginning.  It was always your choice to say no and walk away from your parents but you chose to be there for them and give them this priceless gift of your attention and caring. 

It looks like you've just started posting here - I hope you'll get some relief from telling your stories.   

In my opinion, your brothers are jerks, your adult children may just be untrained in how to handle old age issues and your anxiety is totally understandable.  I find B vitamins especially good for stress and taking walks - like really walking and looking around at things and getting tired out - simple things like that help me get more in charge of stress.  Just saying "I'm doing this to handle that stress" separates it out for me some.   

Offline luise.volta

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D - Me, too…I walk three miles every day…really fast. I live on the edge of the woods and water and love it. If I didn't do that, I'd be wound up so tightly I'd break. (Actually last fall I did break and it was terrible for this Humpty-Dumpty and all concerned.) Sending love...
« Last Edit: June 11, 2012, 12:58:17 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Footloose

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Hi CDB, 
Welcome to our family of sisters from other misters!!  LOL!  We are here for you and can fully understand your loss and loneliness!

I love Louise's suggestion about letters to and from your loved ones  What a great way top keep the cherished memories!

Replacement seems to help me.  Just to change my mind and point of view.  I get sad often but seem to be able to turn it off by focusing my attention to something or someone else!

I used to apply this saying to physical issues but it too applies to our emotional pain as well?!

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Pain is the reaction of the body, and as long as you have the body, some pain is inevitable. Suffering is the contraction of the mind, and unlike pain, is optional. Don't add suffering to pain, - relax your mind and the suffering will pass."

Offline luise.volta

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Great advice! Sending lvoe...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Doe

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L-  you are better than me!  I probably average a mile or 2 at best.  Course, sometimes I'm dragging an unwilling lil dog along.   I think walking is a compete therapy in itself!

Offline luise.volta

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Yes, wonderful therapy! And my 'lil dog used to pull me along until two discs went out in her back a month ago. Poor baby. She's only 2 1/2! And because she has Corgi blood, she will be predisposed to that all of her life. I don't even know how she did it. The vet said maybe jumping off a foot stool. She's also half Basenji and they're jumpers. :-(

Oh, oh…I didnt mean to hi-jack this thread into a pet discussion! Sorry cdb!
« Last Edit: June 11, 2012, 03:32:42 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Keys Girl

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Welcome, CDB, take care of yourself, and if possible don't let your brothers know that you are afraid of them, they don't need to know anything.

It's disappointing that people aren't doing what you wish they were doing before your mother is gone, but as I've learned recently, people can let you down.

Getting through the estate stuff can be a real slog, but just take your time, if you are doing it alone then everyone else will have to wait until you are done.

Good Luck,
KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline pam1

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Welcome back, cdb!  I agree with the previous posters and don't have much to add.  I hope things settle down for you soon and in the mean time, take care of yourself.  We are here whenever you need an ear!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline firelight

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Wow, what a load cdb...

Ponder on the positive even when it doesn't seem so.  We're here and listening even when you feel all alone. 

Hugs.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Offline cdb19

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Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your replies, firelight, Pam, Keys Girl, Doe Luise and Footloose.
And update: I am having problems with post traumatic stress disorder and will be getting some speical trauma therapy starting in July. It is called EMDR to help reconnect the brain connectors to more positive connections. The anxiety is so high lately from other situations too. I have learned that when you have trauma in your life, starting at age 7, that you have trouble regulating your feelings and have poor coping skills. This has been set off by many things.
Health: Fibromyalgia since 1995. Mastectomy 1996...found out later is was a mistake.
Depression with Fibro.
In Jan of 2011 after my dad died in 11 0f 2010, I was staying at his house and slipped on ice and my spine hit my spinal cord in my neck. I didn't get immediate surgery, but we are still going by symptoms to avoid surgery. No family including spouse came to be with me 2 hours away.
In November of 2011 the day I went to court to be able to cremate my mom when she passes on (brothers got spiteful and tried to stop her wishes) I fell forward on a concrete sidewalk with my arms to my side and hit my head. Still not sure if my heart stopped. Bad concussion and no broken bones, but reinjured my entire back and neck. I did insist on making it to court and got the order in place for my mom. Again, I was all alone.
In January of 2012 I had my second mastectomy and no cancer. One day in hospital and felt great.
In January of 2012 weeks after surgery, I got severe salmonella food poisoning, was hospitalized for 4 days on a heart monitor and was very ill for a long time. My immune system was low due to surgery and all the previous stress. The doctors didn't give me the correct medications. I had withdrawals from certain pain medications and decided to stay off of them.
In February of 2012 I had severe leg pains for about 3 weeks, probably from med withdrawals. Then I found out I got Raynauds Disease. I have neuropathy in my feet without cause for many years and the icy cold toes gets painful.
A month ago I fainted but didn't pass out from this medication for Raynauds. I reinjured my neck/back and hit my mastectomy area which sunk in some. :(
I am waiting for some antiboties test to see if I have Lupus/Scleroderma etc. since I have had fibromyalgia for ao long.
And I wonder why my anxiety is sooo high!
I asked some people why God didn't let me die when I fell etc. I wonder if some angels helped me and I realize now that it isn't my time to go. My mom needs me too. Maybe someone else needs me too.
So, I started to fight for my health.
I am on a bunch of supplements, eating healthier than ever, slowly losing weight, but haven't started and exercise plan yet.
I will try some prothesis on this week that I can wear and try to find a swimming suit to put prothesis in.
I am glad the Dog topic came up.
The Dog, Burton, who had been run over by a pickup on purpose at 7 months old and then was abused by many,,,,,I rescued 6 years ago. He loved me not matter what!!! I missed him when I was at my parents helping them. He passed away 6 months ago from kidney failure. We tried to save him and a week later I had to let him go. I do have 2 cats and a not so supportive angry spouse. That is why I deal with so much by myself.
I know I must be strong to go through all of this and feel put down often by my spouse. I am working on that, but again, this anxiety is in the way for now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I am grateful to be so healthy compared to others. It just shows that as counselors say "I have alot on my plate".
cdb

Offline luise.volta

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We all seem to have a full plate…I think it's called 'life.' This is the place to share and care and move on. You're doing great! Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Footloose

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CDB,
Sounds like you are on a great path for your recovery.  Replace all the love and want from your distant kids with love and want for YOU.  This is YOUR time and maybe that is the reason for the estrangement.  Who knows?

I am familiar with the treatment you mention and believe that this type of biofeedback/ behavioral Therapy is very effective but still quite new.

in my quest to fix my problems, fix my son, I continue on my enlightenment journey that has actually helped me to understand me.   I found this information that uses similar behavior techniques via acupressure.  May be worth a try as well?

While this site is under a different genre, it gives coping info for loss and growth ideas and tools.  I hope you find it and the love here comforting! 

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/your-recovery-journey.html

Hugs<3


Offline cdb19

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Thanks Footloose for the resource. I was getting accupuncture and need to continue. I stopped when I fainted and have taken time for my back to heal. I only have so many sessions a year to use.
I found this site had articles/etc that are well worth reading and very helpful.
cdb