Author Topic: very unsure what to do for the best  (Read 4849 times)

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Offline Pooh

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #15 on: May 25, 2012, 08:29:18 AM »
I hear you too and I will say, I probably couldn't keep my mouth shut about the lifting and carrying by an arm, as it could cause some damage.  I would not call the authorities, but I would have a problem with that too.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline DivaGirlDIL

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #16 on: May 26, 2012, 07:16:49 PM »
I am a DIl who likes to read the other side and I must say this one made me want to respond.  I am not hear to be negative.  But I understand kind of where your DD is coming from.  So I want to give some insight.

Background I am a mother of one 4 year old daughter.  And let me tell you my mom finds me to be a hard on her.  As a mother of this generation I can tell you times have changed.  The pressure to be the best mother with the best kid is very well out there.  Look at the time magazine "are you mom enough." I hear the word fail all the time from mom's of this generation.  You didn't breastfeed, you didn't use colth diapers, you don't feed your kid organic Ect.  The hear don't speak thing is even bigger.  When did we get that way I don't know.  Were kicking kids off airplanes out of restaurants for what we don't like.  It's not the parents that don't want there kids to be seen not heard it's people around us.  That pressure can make you crazy.  And yes harsher on your kid because no one wants their kid to be the bad kid.

Further we just flat out parent different.  Timeout wasn't my mom's way but mine is.  We use toys and yes even place that includes my mother.  It's something she loves and I know will keep her in line.  Four year olds are very bright they get way more then people give them credit for.

So glad your not calling on her that would ruin any chance you have with her.  Talking to her when my mom says something to me no it doesn't help.  My main thing isn't to be means it's because I want her to mind me and follow the rules. 

Had DD undid her harness in the car no matter how fast the car was moving yes I would have been upset.  Letting it go when it's slow means he may get the idea it's ok later going faster.  The risk is not worth it.

Hope this helps.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #17 on: May 26, 2012, 11:51:45 PM »
We all agree discipline necessary for  all children , and we know how hard it is bringing up kids , we have a few . It's the way its enforced sometimes on this forum , we feel perhaps is.a bit over zealous . Your kids , your rules , we get that also , but when you are not the stressed out parent like a grandparent, things look a little different . We are not dealing with a difficult child 24/7 , so chastising looks ten times worse than it is looking on . Just can't help butting in I guess , but our intentions are good , speaking personally of course .

Offline Doe

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2012, 07:05:25 AM »
I think I was a great mom, but I have moments that I cringe about when I look back on them (thinking of one now).   I think I would have a loved to have a mom then who could remind me to chill out, relax, it's not that big of a deal but she was dead and gone when I was raising my children. 

I think a relaxed parent could better help kids, whether  it's an AC or a GK.  For me, it comes back again to working on our own lives before we go fixing others' lives.

Offline Pen

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2012, 07:34:45 AM »
It sounds as if much parenting stress these days comes from "If my children misbehave what will others say about my kids & me?" which quickly escalates to "My children won't get into the best preschool, prep school, college, grad program; they'll be homeless bums on the street."

IMO, most parents throughout history have felt similar pressure in one way or another! I know I did, & raising a special needs child added to it. Being a tough, stern disciplinarian probably gets results as often as it fails; but why risk missing out on having a loving relationship w/your kids? You can't ever get that time back. The kids may remember the worst of you, while you may remember the best of you...if that makes sense. How do you want to be remembered?

IMO parents should set limits, have structure & rules (especially for safety issues), but be kind and nurturing as well. Hard to balance, but worth the effort.

That said, parents have the right to choose how they raise their own children. If abuse is taking place & the authorities intervene, they lose that right. We can only sit by hoping all goes well, and be eyes & ears if real abuse is occurring. I'm learning that being a GP can be quite a challenge, and I'm storing up all this knowledge for the future.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

jill1963

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2012, 02:29:07 AM »
hi Diva,

Thanks for the perspective from a DM point of view rather than a GM. I do realise there is a lot of pressure, but the breastfeeding, cloth diaper (not so much the organic food as wasnt really pushed as much when my girls were small)  i had the same kind of pressure when my girls were little.
However i didnt have the same support as i try to be to my DD as my DM died when i was 7 years old. Although my DF re-married was not the closest with my SM at the time my DD's were growing up (although it did get better with time until she also died relatively young like my DM did)
Therefore i made my own choices as to the breastfeeding, diapers etc.  i can also catagorically say when my DD had my GS i never pushed my DD in any of the decisions she made as i felt it was her choice to decide and find out what was right for her. As she was living at home when GS was born we did help her a lot, but always did the nappies/diapers to the way she liked them and followed her direction for the way she wanted GS looked after.
I agree to a certain degree what you say about other people around you and their intolerance of children and there are some pretty feral children out there and i am proud to say my GS isnt one of them, however when my DD shouts at him the way she sometimes does it has a negative effect especially if you are out, uncontrolled children are not good but neither is having a parent that is shouting at the top of their voice and making other people aware there is a problem.
I do actually have sympathy with my DD on some things, there is a lot as you say of you have to conform to this or to that and worry that authorities may get involved, for an instance, my GS has bruises on his legs, now i know this isnt because of anything he has done at home but probably the rough and tumble of school and to be frank they were hardly noticable, but my DD is terrified that someone may think she or her BF is hurting her son. In that instance i told her not to worry as all children get slight bruises from running around etc. As i say that is why with hindsight i should not of considered  speaking to an outside authority, like you say she may be in my opinion too strict and i still dont like being used as a threat, but her child/children her choice.
However,I agree with Pen, in all points she raised in the quote at the bottom of my post, but especially the safety issues, and being remembered as kind and nurturing and the way you would be remembered.  I have no doubts my DD loves my GS but i would not wish him to by the time he is a teenager rebel againt the strictness of his upbringing as a small child and go off the rails, and as she also says you can never get the time back with your children to change that.  I know it is a juggling act and i know it isnt easy.

Please understand that whilst i sound off here i try not to let myself question or critisise my DD in person, i know my GS & GD are her children, and only give my opinion when asked and even then am very guarded about what i say.
If i couldnt sometimes let my views known on here quite frankly i think i may, tackle my DD in person because something was really bothering me and if you get to a time when you have certain thoughts going round and round in your head, you know it has to get to a point where you can contain it no longer or you will explode!! well i would rather do that here where i can get other peoples take/views on it that tackle my DD and possibly regret something i may say.
IMO, most parents throughout history have felt similar pressure in one way or another! I know I did, & raising a special needs child added to it. Being a tough, stern disciplinarian probably gets results as often as it fails; but why risk missing out on having a loving relationship w/your kids? You can't ever get that time back. The kids may remember the worst of you, while you may remember the best of you...if that makes sense. How do you want to be remembered?

IMO parents should set limits, have structure & rules (especially for safety issues), but be kind and nurturing as well. Hard to balance, but worth the effort.


Offline Pooh

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #21 on: May 29, 2012, 05:34:48 AM »
Welcome DivaGirl.  Great perspective and although my children were made to behave in public, I agree with you.  I think there was more tolerance when mine were growing up, in public, for children.

When you get a chance, please read the highlighted posts under open me first.  We ask all new members to do this to make sure the forum is a good fit, nothing wrong with your post.

Again, welcome.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

shorewil

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #22 on: May 29, 2012, 03:37:14 PM »
After reading all of this , I was reminded of a technique that I used as a teacher - not the best, mind you , but not the worst either. I would have them actually write a long phrase such " Going to Grandma's House " and then , each time he "misbehaves" have the child erase one letter. This gives the child some control and is a concrete way to prove a point instead of threaten. Of course, you'd give many chances by the time the phrase was through for the week- but the child  could count the letters left. Oh -- I didn't mention that if all the letters got erased , the visit ( or party or movie etc) would not take place. It helped me immensely in class ( but of course there  is peer pressure) May not be PC - but it worked like a charm !

jill1963

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #23 on: May 29, 2012, 04:25:26 PM »
Shorewil,

I actually quite like that idea lol, may not be PC but its good  ;D

As my other DD quite rightly pointed out young children do not have a concept of time, so threatening them that if they dont behave before a certain time they wont visit their GP's house is a bit pointless as they dont understand it.
However could i please change it to "going to Grandma Supercalafragalistic's house" as he would stand a better chance of all the letters not getting erased  ;) May suggest your idea to my DD.

Jill x

Offline Pooh

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2012, 06:39:48 AM »
I like that idea for smaller children too shorwil.  I think visuals are wonderful.  Of course, once mine reached a certain age, the word would have to be changed to "NOT" as I moved on to the "three strikes you're out" rule.  My visual was holding up my fingers...Lol.  One, two....  It worked as we could be in a store later and I wouldn't have to say a word, just hold up a finger, then two and they started behaving.  They knew if I got to three, there would be some type of consequence.

And for the funny side.  My YS is 22 and when he was in on this last visit before deployment, my DH was teasing him about something.  YS held up his finger and said, "One" and I died laughing.  He still remembers it to this day.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline artlady

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #25 on: June 18, 2012, 08:18:30 AM »
Shorewill, love the teaching ideas, from a retired and now back part time teaching . From being a kindergarten teacher for 24 years ( plus art teacher the rest0. I used and still do use that type of discipline for the little ones, with special words etc on the board. i know some parents were given by counselors ideas such as decide on an activity or thing, make or cut out the pic , cut into the number of days til that reward, each day that is good put that puzzle piece on frig, then if they have the whole pic by the day of event they go. Use a jar , add pennies , marbles for every good deed. never take any out. Or start with a full jar and take out when not following directions, . Now as a teacher i used the jar with cotton balls or pennies at home when i thought it was a rough time and it did wonders for a visual. You could do it on visits at your house , maybe it would rub off on the parents who knows .

Offline Footloose

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #26 on: June 18, 2012, 12:07:28 PM »
Jill, My thoughts are with you!  Any parent who takes out anger on a helpless child makes my blood BOIL!  I don't care if they leave no physical signs.  Being bullied and pushed around is UNACCEPTABLE behavior!  My tongue would be bitten OFF!  My mom and dad did this to me and I know how it feels!  TERRIBLE!

I am a highly extroverted person when it comes to thinking and rationalization.  My feelings are introverted by the same wide margin.  As a child under age 12, I lived in constant fear of doing something wrong but didn't even know what the offense was...just worried cuz I'd be in trouble for some minor childish action.  How dare me act like a child ..uh, when I was a CHILD?!  Anyway, this constant negativity was a huge weight to bear.  Even my sister commented the other day on how I was so quiet and "shy" as a small child.  Heck, I was just protecting myself by laying low. 

I am unable to offer any advice but I know I would not be able to witness this.  In my book it is verbal abuse and bullying.

I understand your concern and wondering just wonder how bad it gets when no one is watching? 

I pray for you and your innocent GS!  Hugs to you dear friend!  <3

Offline Begonia

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Re: very unsure what to do for the best
« Reply #27 on: June 18, 2012, 05:50:14 PM »
This sounds so hard to watch.  I had the opposite situation with my DD who would not say anything to my 13 yo GD who was abusing her verbally when DD said she had to come home from a dance at midnight (a street dance, in the dark, with alcohol all over the place).  I had never seen anything so sad as how my daughter just took this tirade against her. So I said, "Get in the car now, you will not talk this way to your mother."  And of course, that fractured our relationship.  I believe my DD was so embarrassed for me to see that she could not control this kid, and that was their way of life.  And I was just visiting.  Very difficult to see these kinds of things no matter who it comes from.  Good luck with how you figure it out.  Being in the middle of parenting just never works I found out the hard way.
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)