Author Topic: Another Milestone In Sight  (Read 6024 times)

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Offline Keys Girl

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Another Milestone In Sight
« on: May 21, 2012, 08:38:40 PM »
I received a call from one of my sisters that my mother is very ill and expected to die soon.  She doesn't live close by, has been suffering from dementia for quite some time and with my blood pressure issues, I decided and told my sister that I would not be able to speak to her on the phone.  My mother was a miserably unhappy woman for most of her life and served up a measure of malice and cruelty to her children over the decades once they became adults.  I sent flowers and a note thanking her for everything that she had done for me.  She did a lot of great things for me in her younger days, but as she got older she got jealous and mean and envious of everyone on the planet.  I decided some time ago to add the "Lead by bad example" of her hostility to the good example that she gave me during my younger years.  I have to accept that she did the best she could although there were many times that her passive-aggressive malice was like a knife in my heart.  I stopped seeing her some years ago after a particularly nasty episode after my father's funeral.

I realized that I haven't told my son about his grandmother's expected death.   I've decided not to call him.  He and one of my sisters were on good terms so she may have told him, but if my mother dies shortly, it will be a difficult period of time for me and I don't need to add any kind of interaction with him and his bride to add to the mix.   I have no idea if any of my family was invited to his wedding last year, the family has been separated by distance and the responses to a lot of the family hassles which may or may not be coming to an end.  But I've decided that if he doesn't want to keep in touch with me, I'm not going to contact him for exceptions that I think he might want to know about.  Those are his consequences to deal with and I'm not going to jump through hoops and stress myself out to try to let him know.

I've become more and more protective of myself in the last year or so, and while my son may be angry with me in the future, I think it's more important to protect myself from any kind of blood pressure related problem that might be brought on by getting involved in the mix, funerals and these kinds of events are always difficult.

I'm starting to adopt a policy of "I'm not the only person on the planet, someone else can always do it".  Usually there is at least one busy body in earshot who will fill those shoes and by avoiding all these family crises I hope to keep my blood pressure in a reasonable range and keep the grief down to a low volume intensity.  I mourned my mother for a decade or so while she was alive while she was nursing her meticulously held grudges against everyone she felt had wronged her during the course of her long life (including me).

It's a sad but painful lesson and I will work towards making sure that when my day comes to leave the planet that I'm more than a vessel filled with grudges and jealousies and bitterness.

KG



"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2012, 09:27:20 PM »
I see that as a beautiful post, KG. Honest, logical and productive. Sometimes the path of another is a complete mystery. They hit forks in the road, perhaps…we just don't know. Or they shift their direction for some reason that even they may not understand. None-the-less, it is about them, not us. How we deal with it is about us. I admire the direction you are taking. 

High blood pressure is something to be looked in the eye. It can be a monster and can rear up without notice. On 9-30-11, when I was in a situation I could see no way out of and knew would be the end of me…my blood pressure spiked to 220/110. In the hospital and nursing home, I saw that I had an option and took it. Not without penalty to another…but/and that was for that person to deal with.

You are in my thoughts, prayers and heart. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2012, 12:56:45 AM »
I have witnessed first hand  people becoming bitter and twisted the older they get .
Perhaps thinking of the life they should have had , whilst others just become sweet old dears .
Also there becomes a time when self preservation steps in . I find myself surprisingly not caring so
much at what other people make of me , not wanting to be such a people pleaser .
I guess that's me becoming hopefully a sweet old dear and not a twisted monster .

People chose their own places in this world , where they want to be , and if we are not included
we have to find our own happy place .
We have to do what's right for us , let others do what's right for them .
Sometimes that might be all in the one place , que sera , sera .

Offline Pooh

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2012, 05:52:51 AM »
I hear you KG and I have decided the same thing.  In the past, I would have text DS if his GM was ill, a close family member passing, etc.  I have also decided now since he chose to not notify me of the pregnancy, that he is making the choice to not communicate at all.  We haven't been communicating, but I would have thought a major event like this, he would have sent me at least a text.  This has spoke volumnes to me and made me finally realize that he truly doesn't want to communicate.  So I will not notify him of anything major either.  I'm sure he'll find out through others too.  I even told my DH after the whole baby thing, "If something happens to me, a wreck, an illness, etc. and I was to land in the hospital, do not notify DS."   Sounds harsh but the last thing I would need during a time like that is for DS/DIL to walk in. If they can't work things out when I'm well, then I don't want them there when something is going wrong.  I will not appease their guilt by making them feel better during an already stressful time for me.

I'm sorry for your Mother's illness, but I love that you sent the note thanking her.  I truly believe when we can let go of a grudge, it helps us.  It's so not about forgiving or forgetting, but about bringing about peace in our lives by letting it go.  When we harbor those bad feelings, it hurts no one but ourselves.

My thoughts and prayers are with you KG.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Doe

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2012, 07:04:40 AM »
Keys, I hear you, too.  I feel the same way and don't plan to notify my son about any family events for similar reasons.  I'm also hoping that your mom's passing will be cathartic for you.

Offline Pen

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2012, 07:30:41 AM »
KG, you're a good role model for those of us who have always done the doormat thing at the expense of our health and sanity. I take to heart your stories and solutions. Thank you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I too love the letter to your mom; you're a class act, Keys.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2012, 02:53:58 PM »
Thank you for the feedback, everyone, it helps to know that you WW are thinking of me.

Luise when I told my doctor that I had reached 180/110 a couple of times on my blood pressure during the hostilities, he said nothing initially, but the shaking of his head and his body language said it all........DON'T GO THERE AGAIN.  I don't want to look up the specifics but I do know that a friend of mine had a massive stroke some years ago and she was clocked at 225/something high and the doctors said......"Get her husband, we don't know if she's going to make it" so I'm glad that you have managed to keep your BP in control.  I think that because you don't look ill, people think you are fine, when in fact you could be far from fine.

So I'm not going there again, no plans to attend the eventual funeral which would be a heart attack and a half, at least, I'm sure, I hope the flowers and the note gave her some comfort and now I'll just wait for her to leave the planet and hopefully find the solace and peace that she never found on it during the course of her lifetime.

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2012, 05:48:44 PM »
I just got word that my mother has passed away today.  It's been so many years since my father died in 1995 that I had forgotten how final this all is.

The expected funeral plans are even more elaborate and stressful than I expected with a funeral approximately 1500 miles from me, and about 1,000 miles of it with the coffin on a train (I assume).  I've made it clear that the possibility of stroke, heart attack or aneurism preclude me from coming and having heard the funeral arrangements that she wished, it's about 10 times more stressful than the average funeral of a parent (IMHO) so I'm going to stay home and do something to honor her life.

Thank you all for your thoughts and replies,
KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline Pen

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2012, 08:36:41 PM »
My condolences, KG. Please take care of yourself during this time. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2012, 12:22:18 AM »
You have to do whats best for you KG .sending hugs .......

Offline Pooh

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2012, 06:29:49 AM »
My heartfelt condolences KG.  Take care of yourself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2012, 10:50:50 AM »
I'm sorry for  your loss KG.

Funerals are for the living. Do what feels right to you to honor your mother and let it go.

Offline Ruth

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2012, 11:51:04 AM »
Keys Girl, I send you loving thoughts.  I believe your actions showed your integrity, and the wisdom of strength.  Honestly, I don't think I would possess your strength.  It may require far more courage and strength have handled this difficult situation the way you did, than to have followed through with the status quo.  I hear tenderness in your posts, and self possession, and a complete absence of blame and/or animosity.  You have set a good example, in your careful consideration and appraisal of this situation, and coming to terms with having to make a hard decision that was to be the right decision.  I believe there are far more peaceful days ahead for you.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2012, 01:42:07 PM »
Sending you lots of love and support, KG.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: Another Milestone In Sight
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2012, 08:02:36 AM »
Thank you everyone for your posts.  It is a great help to know that there are people keeping me in their thoughts as I move through this period of my life.

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown