Author Topic: advice please-not sure how to proceed  (Read 2802 times)

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jill1963

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advice please-not sure how to proceed
« on: May 02, 2012, 04:43:36 AM »
hi,

my YDD came into my place of work today with my GD, she is coming back from maternity leave in June (she as well as her BF work at my families company). No problem with that that is just background information.
Anyway the main time i get to speak to her is if i see her in the flesh, which isn't very often due to her not really making people feel welcome in her life at the moment, the rest of the time it is the occasional text, not easy to have a conversation and very easy for them to be misinterpretted.
In conversation whilst here my YDD mentioned about how BF is so much better with GD than he is with GS and that she thought it was because he was more hands on and because they now live together was more involved with my GD than he had been with GS who had lived with my YDD and us for approx 3yrs+ before they got their own place, so they hadn't got the closeness he seems to have with his DD. I murmured my agreement and said it must be hard.
My YDD also mentioned that my GS  when she had taken him to school a couple of days ago had hit her and then when she laughed instead of telling him off, had said his head told him to do it. Now she thinks he may have a mental illness ::), she also said the day after he had again hit her but  several times this time once again ( but this time didn't say anything about his head telling him to do it). On reading about children my GS age (4 and a half) it looks totally normal, they say that children do not realise why they are lashing out but that their head to tell them to do it but generally i don't think they usually voice the fact their head told them to do it.
I think the reason he is lashing out is because he is continually told he cannot do things, and his existence is too regimented.
Examples follow:-
At the school he goes too outside his classroom there is play equipment which the school has said the children cannot play on before school because of health & safety reasons, of course for the majority of children their parents ignore this and let their children play, my daughter of course wont let my GS, in this instance i feel she is in a no win situation as yes she is doing the right thing not letting him play on equipment but, he does not understand that sees other children playing and kicks off because he isn't allowed to.
Other examples  are if his DD is around he can never watch his TV to keep him amused, he has to stay sitting on the sofa/settee and if he moves he gets in trouble. he is not allowed to wander round his house (which is a small bungalow so no really hidden places for him to get into mischief), not allowed to run in house, He had this expensive toy called an innotab (for which i got him the games his DM the innotab), which would do wonders to keep him amused taken away and as far as i am aware never been returned (which is annoying as wasn't cheap) if his DD = Dad is bringing home from school (which involves a car journey) GS is not allowed to speak to him, if he does he gets told to shut up or is shouted at.
All in all my YDD's BF makes no attempt to really interact with him. He also now sometimes takes himself into his bedroom before he is told that is where he has to go.
YDD when she was here and after herself mentioning that  BF had difficulty relating to my GS i  agreed and said to her that yes, BF does seems to find it harder to get along with GS and she said so did she find it harder to get along with GS ........... i have to say that was difficult to hear from my YDD
I want to so much give my opinion but not sure  A) how my daughter would be (she can be quite volatile if she doesn't like what you are saying). B) if i did that i wouldn't get too emotional, i know my GS is no angel but he is no devil either and is only doing it because of the way they are being with him and i feel so sorry for him. :(
As i have said before we have him one weekend a month and i don't want to jeopardise that, we do have the occasional tantrum but generally when with us he is not too bad, i think partially because we take an interest in him, do things with him and talk to him about how he feels.
 But i do hate the way my YDD talks about him sometimes as if he is the devil incarnate, i know we do not have him for the majority of the time ( would love to have him more but my YDD & BF are not the easiest to talk to, so generally don't ask because never know how they going to take it) and we do not see how he really is when with them at other times. But generally if we have seen him whilst he is at home he is sometimes on the settee, sometimes in his bedroom because he has got into trouble and sometimes in bed early because he has been in big trouble. Rarely looks happy and although fine when we see him away from home, doesn't want to know us when we are there.
It is very hard for me when i generally hear about the negative things my GS has done and not the positive, i think that pushes me into a vicious circle, when i hear about the negatives, i start to worry, which impacts my thoughts for a few days afterwards about how my GS is, especially knowing i cannot really do anything to help.   Then i am OK until the next negative text, conversation.
All i want is to be able to see my GS & GD without the drama, all i want is for them to realise he is a little boy and that most off the stuff that he is doing is what little boys to, nothing malicious, and lastly all i want them to do is realise they have to treat both their children the same, it wasn't my GS's fault his DF wasn't around more when he was first growing up and that it was myself and ODD who were there for him more than his DF & DM.
Sorry for long post.
Jill x

Offline Pooh

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2012, 05:07:46 AM »
I'm sorry jill.  I know it's very hard to hear negative things and say nothing.  You are doing the right thing by just making noncommittal statements when she is talking.  It sounds like the things they are doing are making him worse (laughing when he hit her) and I hope they figure out how to discipline better without being over dramatic with him.  No 4 year old wants to sit and do nothing.  They are curious by nature and sitting still is torture for them so no wonder he is acting out.  Hang in there.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2012, 09:30:53 AM »
Jill, it's hard to keep quiet. Pooh's right, for now it's probably best to keep your eyes open and your mouth closed. If you were to start questioning their childrearing methods they might want to keep you away and your GS wouldn't have you looking out for him.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Vasilisa

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2012, 11:12:10 AM »
You sound like a good grandma. How I wish my DD had a caring GM with a balanced view of her faults! Please don't get discouraged, you can do your bit by being positive and loving toward the boy when you are around him.

jill1963

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2012, 02:32:28 PM »
hi,

thanks for the replies Pen & Pooh, i will keep my mouth shut as much as i can and hope it changes, i just feel for my GS as its not an even playing field for him at the moment so to speak, none of what is happening is his fault.
That is why in previous posts i have said i hope he grows up faster to then hopefully understand better what they think he is doing wrong and he can avoid getting into trouble. (which is wrong of me as i have no right to wish his life away :()
I will also put up with the torment of worrying about him and enjoy him when i have him for my weekend (trouble is then i don't want to give him back lol)
And thank you Vasilisa that is a very nice compliment you paid me, I hope i am a good Grandma as you say, i will try not to get discouraged but it is very hard sometimes, however  i never let my GS see that and we try make it as much fun as we can when we have him but is over too soon  :(
Jillx

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2012, 02:52:47 PM »
Can't help feeling sorry for the little guy ...extra hugs from Grandma , to let him know someone loves him ....awwww.

Offline pam1

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2012, 05:30:21 PM »
Wow, that sounds pretty hard to hear.  I don't have much in the way of advice, other than it's probably best not to talk to her directly about this.  Maybe there is a way to validate her feelings but also point out that kids go through phases and stuff that could possibly soothe your DD rather than inflame.

Hope this gets better.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Doe

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2012, 06:22:08 PM »
I pretty much agree with everyone else, but I would add that she sounds like she's have a hard time of it. Maybe when she's putting the GK down, you could change the subject to something else she's interested in?  She sounds overly focused on the minutia of the child's behavior and I imagine she could use a break.  You know, talking about adult things rather than the kids all the time.

jill1963

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2012, 12:43:26 AM »
hi,

Doe it is hard to talk to her about other things as she made the decision not to see much of anyone but isolate herself with her BF and family, so at the moment don't speak to her in person much.
She is due of maternity leave soon and as i say works at the same place as myself and her BF (all different departments) as its my families business, hopefully it will change then as she will be round adults, and she may be more relaxed, however i don't want her coming in my office and stopping me doing my work to have a go or moan either at me or her BF which she used to do. About work moaning is fine (as long as its not too much lol) but my office is not their arguing ground or a place for me to be had a go at.

Pam, I do deflect on to other things if i can when she texts me and i tend not to text and ask how GS has been behaving as much to protect myself from hurt with her response, and if she does mention he has not been good i deflect it and say sorry that doesn't sound good but like you say am non commital, i don't offer opinion by the text as it can be misinterpretted and has been in the past with other things which is why i learnt my lesson. :-X
I think my YDD is a bit focused on GS's behaviour, she gets upset that he does not seem to like his DF and he as they say doesn't do as he is told, but if they set impossible goals for a 4-5year old and he has a DF who doesn't show him affection how is he supposed to like him or behave to their standards?
His DF has to be told by my YDD to give him a hug, doesn't believe in giving him a kiss or cuddle spontaneously and is forever telling him off...... so what is there to like as GS's DF?
Don't get me wrong i love my YDD and i think she does love her DS from actions i have seen her do, but sometimes she has voiced she is not sure how she feels about my GS and if she does love him as she finds him hard going (GS), as his GM that is hard to hear. :(
I love having him for my weekend, but wish it was longer, and at least 2 weekends out of the 4 he is with GP's who i am pretty sure show him affection, although YDD's BF's family are overbearing and very much in your face, i have seen his paternal GF show GS affection so am not worried there.
(BF's DF also said to me once how he doesnt understand how his DS is so emotionless but that he has always been that way).
But i do worry about him all the other times, its hard knowing what he goes through and not being able to really say anything, i tend to send my ODD who still lives with me round the bend sometimes telling her my feelings lol  :)
Jill x

jill1963

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2012, 01:22:06 AM »
hi,
 just an extra bit of information this is what my YDD put on facebook, as i say always the negative never the positive with my GS.
 wonders what tomorrow is going to bring... Monday -------punched me once whilst waiting to go into school, Tuesday he punches me over and over and bites me whilst waiting to go in and today he throws something at me whilst driving and doesn't understand how dangerous it is...
Whilst i understand his behaviour is unacceptable, she doesnt look at the why he may be doing it, this is unlike my GS, and if you do offer your opinion it does get rejected or you get into an argument. so this is why i find things so hard  :(
I know you will tell me to get off FB but it isnt as easy as that, i have other people that this is the only way i can keep in contact with
Disheartened GM here  :(
Jill

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2012, 01:40:09 AM »
Hi Jill , I think sometimes kids are naughty just to gain attention , they feel that any attention is.better than none at all.  I think he's desperate for one on one attention especially from his.mom . Does she ever do things with him just the two of them ? He's saying hi mom I'm here , over here , remember me ? Also if he is frustrated or hurt he's going.to lash out too . Perhaps just asking him.why he does these things and explaining to him why its wrong . I understand your frustration too.  Wanting to help without starting another war . Full time school should help distract him and learn some rules along the way . You're doing all you can by being there . Oh I agree about the workplace too , family rows are not acceptable.  Good luck .

jill1963

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2012, 02:07:04 AM »
No LL,
My YDD doesnt do anything with my GS one on one never really has. She is very much wrapped up in her family dynamics at the moment, everything must be done as a family. Only time he has one on one is with either set of GP's when we/they have him for the weekend.
Dont get me wrong he isnt always perfect/well behaved with us but difference is if i shout at him because nothing else has worked (which is extremely rare) he bursts into tears, and then i feel so bad.
In their case i think because they constantly shout or berate him he acts out by lashing out. I have asked him when he is with us why he does these things when he knows it will get him into trouble, and he says he doesnt know  :(
He is at full time school now and that is where the incident took place, as i said in original post he is made too not do things that other parents let their children do when they shouldnt (playing on play area before school when school have asked them not too) not my GS's fault or my YDD as she is following rules, but i have since found out he was in trouble and lashed out because he was poking an umbrella at other people, not good and he shouldnt of been doing it but was probably just an outlet to amuse himself because he couldnt do the other stuff, that is why i think he lashed out at my YDD as it was another pleasure she was restricting.

Jilll

Offline pam1

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2012, 05:38:04 PM »
jill, it could just be a phase with him adjusting to a new family life.  Some kids have a very hard time with blended families, heck adults do too.  Even when everyone is doing the best they can and circumstances are ideal, blended families have a *lot* to overcome that nuclear families don't.  Hopefully he'll start settling down with some time.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

jill1963

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2012, 03:40:39 AM »
Pam,

I agree and i hope you are right, i think it would be easier if his DF in particular made more of an effort with him, i know his DM is as i have seen it, an old school friend of my YDD who i have been speaking to has been telling my YDD a lot of what my GS is doing is just typical boy stuff and not unusual, and he isnt any better or any worse behaviour wise than any other little boy.
YDD's friend also put a good point/bit of advice forward that i hope my YDD takes.
This was to have at least one day a month (more if possible) that she has one on one time with her DS by herself or. At the moment it is his sister getting the one on one time when GS goes to stay with GP's  which is ok but would be nice if YDD could make a day for one on one time with my GS. It would also be good if GS's DF would do the same so maybe they would bond better?

My main concern has always been my GS's happiness and I think i would be happy if that was achieved it would put my mind at rest and i then maybe wouldnt worry as much about him ( i love my GD equally but she is not going through the same as my GS which is why i dont mention her as much)
So heres hoping with the settling down  :)

Jill











Offline pam1

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Re: advice please-not sure how to proceed
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2012, 08:13:04 AM »
Jill, the friend sounds wise.  Hopefully YDD is taking her advice.  I've read that it is best for all family members to have one on one time too.  What a great idea!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift