Author Topic: For all the yearning, pining away grandmas who don't see the little tykes enough  (Read 3458 times)

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Offline Ruth

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This is just my little tidbit for all these Grandma's who are chomping at the bit for more grandparenting fun and who think they got a bad rap being too far away to be... close by!  It is also due to it being too rainy today to work in the garden! 

Farawaygrandma gets the cement handprint made at Bible School, lovingly packaged and posted ready to hang- nearbygrandma gets to drag 'em out of the house and truck them to Bible School - farawaygrandma gets pictures of all the fun we had at Easter dinner - nearbygrandma gets to cook Easter dinner - farawaysickgrandma gets the keepsake get well soon crayon greeting cards with big red kissy lips and smilie faces- nearbygrandma gets a background telephone shout out 'hey tell grandma to get over it soon' - farawaygrandma gets the stellar Christmas gift saved up for all year, neabygrandma gets the keepsake crayon greeting card, farawaygrandma gets the educational updates and adorable anecdotes on how well her grandchildren are doing in school and fb bragging rights, nearbygrandma gets to be the school bus for ten  plus years and has a car that shows it, farawaygrandma gets to book a flight and nice hotel for graduation, nearbygrandma gets to gas up the car for YET another trip to the school, farawaygrandma is rare, elusive, exciting, clever, crafty,  nearbygrandma is, well.... nearby, close in proximity, ...nearby, so on and so forth.

CrystalBall

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Oh, that is great Ruth.  I am sure some can relate.
But, don't forget that faraway Grandma never gets jumped for what she does in terms of baby or child care as those who do nothing get no complaints for doing this or that "incorrectly"
 What's even worse is when "faraway" Grandma or Grandpa is in the vicinity but deliberately make themselves of the "faraway" type,  having zero interest so that "nearby" Grandparents are rather overwhelmed.
They do pop around for holidays, never hosted at their homes.  All their relatives likewise hosted in adult child's home.  Their doorstep never crossed as they do not invite, and residences in such overwhelming chaos that hosting is impossible. 
As time passes, their disinterest is viewed as "normal".  They have taught the adult children and grandchildren to expect nothing, other than their dropping by when they need something.  They may have the stamina to tour here or there on their agile senior legs, but they "aren't well enough to deal with the children".  And the kids concur that they are "fearful" of giving them this responsibility when they are soooo unwell.  Meanwhile nearby Grandparents should have strength of Mr. and Mrs. Atlas and I suppose concern that indeed the hale and hearty counterparts babysitting could result in some injury to the Grandchildren doubling up their babysitting episodes for parents visiting hospital bedside and the other two tots needing supervision.  Ummmh.
They'll be over for Mother's Day and Father's day, one of the few days per year that "nearby" Grandparents are specifically invited over, other than the multitudes of times they are over to babysit for this or that cause there's no one else.  We're the fair "nearby" Grandparents, fully understanding that they get their Fathers and Mothers Day honors right on par with us.  Ya gotta laugh I guess.
For sure, the best deal some Grandparents have is the Nearby but simultaneously Far Away Style!

Offline Ruth

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 They may have the stamina to tour here or there on their agile senior legs, but they "aren't well enough to deal with the children".  And the kids concur that they are "fearful" of giving them this responsibility when they are soooo unwell.  Meanwhile nearby Grandparents should have strength of Mr. and Mrs. Atlas and I suppose concern that indeed the hale and hearty counterparts babysitting could result in some injury to the Grandchildren doubling up their babysitting episodes for parents visiting hospital bedside and the other two tots needing supervision.  Ummmh.
They'll be over for Mother's Day and Father's day, one of the few days per year that "nearby" Grandparents are specifically invited over, other than the multitudes of times they are over to babysit for this or that cause there's no one else.  We're the fair "nearby" Grandparents, fully understanding that they get their Fathers and Mothers Day honors right on par with us.  Ya gotta laugh I guess.
For sure, the best deal some Grandparents have is the Nearby but simultaneously Far Away Style!

I got started on this when I took one of the g/c to the flower market, and his little eyes lit up with the fabulous idea to get Grandma X (farawaygrandma) a nice flower for Easter!  Well, I got the flower for her, and honestly without begrudging, but it got me to thinking how I (nearby) g/m don't ever get a Christmas gift or the Easter flower.  I don't think it ever occurs to them.

CrystalBall

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Ruth, I suppose even young children get the inference that the nearby Grandparent must do and so routinely does for them and their parents that it is viewed as par for the course, the routine of life, nothing particularly special.  There is a definite burden to being the only support, which of course is counterbalanced by the joy of spending time with the Grandchild.  Maybe if parents expressed their thanks and gratitude for all the attentiveness in presence of the benefiting child, they would be aware of nearby Granny also deserving a flower....I mean bouquet!

Offline lancaster lady

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Inside a grandmother's heart grows a garden of love .
Having the closeness of GC is the real gift . No presents can compensate for that feeling
of two little arms round your neck .
I treasure every moment I spend with my GD , and now I really don't resent the fact that the
other GM sees my GD every day because when I see her it's extra special , and we always have
fun .

Offline Ruth

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Perfect Lancaster Lady!  Couldn't have been spoken more beautifully. 

Offline herbalescapes

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The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  As the various threads on this website prove, geography is just one of many factors that contribute to how close a relationship GP-GK can have - for good and bad.  Alas...

Offline themuffin

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Just had to post how much I loved that comment LL.  Beautiful!!!

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Offline lancaster lady

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Aww thankyou Muffin , I missed a lot of her first year so treasure each moment , she is soo special ...<3

Offline Nana

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I loved this topic....and the way everyone posted.  I relate to this a lot.  Both grandparents  (I am included) live near .  I might say they are even closer to my dil's family.  They babysit from Monday-Thursday, I only babysit on Fridays and have them frequentely on weekends together with my son and dil.  I now dont mind who is closer.  I cherish my Friday as crazy.  I give thanks to my Lord for not having the three gc everyday as my dil's mother have them.  (Son and dil work).  When our first gc was born, I resented just having one day for me, now I couldnt be so grateful.....they are handsful....I end up exhausted on Fridays because now they are three (5, 4 and 1).  I enjoy them tons...play with them, pick up the two older from pre-school, kiss them as if was the last time.  Maybe dil's mother have more benefits...she is practically raising them....but who cares.....I have all week to recover physically and store all my love for them.  I couldnt love them more if they'd be more days with me.  It is quality time that counts.....and it is what they will remember. 

Love you all.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Footloose

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I would LOVE to be the nearby grandma!  I am geographically close and do not even get the faraway treatment!  Years of mistreatment and disrespect by my DS and DIL have put me in a position of guarding.  If we ever reunite, I will probably be forced into the faraway mode as the FOO gets all the time.  Not me, not my family, it's like HIS family never existed!

Grandbaby girl is probably born by now.  She was due on 6/15. No news, no words, no time....no love from the one and only child who I gave my love, attention, and young years to and whom I NEVER expected would exclude me so totally! 

Sorry, pity party for me, i know!  *as I wipe my tears and honk my nose....I need another cup of "suck it up!"

Offline Pooh

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Aww Footloose, I'm so sorry.  I know how hard it is.  I guess I am in a unique position to have all kinds of scenarios going on, so I do understand.

1.  1st GC - I have one GD who just turned 4, whom we haven't seen in over 2 years except for the sneaked pics.  Teenage pregnancy, Mom refuses YS contact.
2.  2nd GC - Due in October by OS/DIL who don't speak to us.  Haven't even told us about the pregnancy.  1 hour away.  It's a girl.
3.  3rd GC - FDIL living with us, YS deployed, involving us every step of the way.  Went to high risk Doctor/ultrasound yesterday and today, she is texting me asking how to even get started picking out names.  I have already bonded with this baby even knowing that after it is born, they will be moving 14 hours away.

I will always treasure my memories with 1st GC as we had her for a few months for visitation.  Seeing her pics brings the ultimate sadness and joy at the same time.  I am still very hopeful for the future with her.  Someday.

I don't feel any attachment to 2nd GC, although I am greatly saddened that we are not getting the opportunity.   I have steeled myself against that attachment, although I saw the 3D ultrasound the other day and cried.

3rd GC, boy am I in trouble.  Already feel so close to it because I am so involved.  Even though I know this will be the one that is going to be geographically the farthest, I trust in that bond as FDIL/YS believe in it.    I know I will get pics, Skype, visits, we will visit, etc. and be in this child's life.  The parents want that and are willing to make the effort just as we are.

So, through my situations, it truly does boil down to one thing.  It's not geography, amount of time, etc.  It is simply how people are.  It is out of my control and there is nothing I can do about it because in GC #1 and GC #2, it is the choices the other side is making that is keeping us uninvolved.  I can't change it as they have to want to change it.  So I will carry them in my heart and soul and know that in some small way, I made them possible.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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This breaks my heart, but you're right on, Pooh. I love how you've worked this all out in a way that doesn't stop you from living your best life. How wonderful it is to have your YDS/FDIL including you in their lives!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb