Author Topic: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL  (Read 3569 times)

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irpesky

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What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« on: August 19, 2009, 06:06:49 AM »

My son has been married for almost 3 yrs and i THOUGHT i was close to my DIL......... That was until she just gave birth to my first grandson. I have talked to this girl just about everyday. Never got off the phone with out telling her i love her. She had 2 daughters from 2 diff men when my son married her and i welcomed them with open arms since i had 4 sons i was thrilled to finally have little girls to play with. I would  get angry when ppl would say ooo this is your first grandchild, and i would correct them and say no this is my first  grandson.
 We are all from Ohio but due to my sons being in the military we are all spread out now. So my son and his wife wanted to have there baby born in Ohio instead of Cali where he is stationed.  So as we were awaiting the birth my DIL and i hung out everyday. She would call me and we would go out to eat and just hang out. All along she had been saying she wanted me in there for the birth and at first i didn't think i could but then when it was time i was soo excited and thrilled to be able to watch my grandson be born. Now the problem......After having a good relationship for over 3 yrs she now acts like she HATES ME.
  I'm not aloud to spend time with my oldest granddaughter which is her mothers favorite. Since my DIL was young when she had her (16) her mother raised her for the first 2 yrs but again my son has been in there lives for the past 4. And my other granddaughter just loves me, and well I'm good enough to keep her but not the oldest one.  And now that the baby is here not only have i not been able to spend time with my grandson but my son has not be able to bond with his son either. Its all about her mother. From the beginning i took the initiative and introduced myself to her at the wedding and was totally ignored. With them living in Cali and i in SC and her family still in Ohio Ive not had to deal with her family, until we all come home then its a different story. My son stays with our family and she stays with hers, with the kids and then we have to beg to see them.
 But omg every time something happens or she needs someone to help her out i give up my life and time and go to Cali to help them out. Even while my son was in Iraq i stayed with her for over 4 months to help her out because she was about to lose the kids. I don't understand what i could have done to her to have her act this way towards me. So what do i do...... ignore my oldest grandchild because I'm not aloud to have a relationship with her,   and she treats me like I'm crap even tho she is a child it hurts me deeply.

just2baccepted

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2009, 08:03:18 AM »
My opinion..........JEALOUSLY JEALOUSLY JEASOULY!  Oh the life when dealing with females.  I'm 34 and have learned so far that females are hard to figure out and I AM one.

I'm sorry but that all just screams jealousy.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if your DIL's Mom ignored you at the wedding because she's sees you as a threat to her territory.  Which means she's probably being very territorial with your grandson too.  I know because I have seen this firsthand.  My MIL tried to become the mother to SIL's son.  She literally tried to take him over and she also said horrible things about his other grandma.  And everything was a competition with the other grandma.  My MIL would say to me the "used" toy that the other grandma bought and then my MIL would tout to me how she went and bought a brand new one.  Like that was supposed to impress me or something.

Also who know what this grandma has said to her daughter about you.  Maybe she's been trying to turn her against you because she's jealous of you.  maybe the other gram couldn't stand all the time that you DIL had been spending together so she tried to stop it so you wouldn't become the favorite granny!  Women are very competitive when it comes to family.  I've learned big time in my 34 years of life!

Another thing to consider is DIL could be suffering from post partum depression.  Maybe coupling her mom's manipulation and her hormones, maybe that created the perfect storm for this to happen to you.  Can you talk to your son?  Or maybe just wait it out and see if things stabilize.  I'm so sorry for your pain.

Prissy

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2009, 08:17:16 AM »
Oh my goodness, you are experiencing the treatment that most of us MILs receive.  No matter how often it happens, it still hurts beyond belief.

I think maybe (this is just a guess) but your DILs' Mother intervened and decided she would be Queen and not you.  I don't know why this means that you have to be swept from the Castle all together with the dustpan.

As Luise said, "she is extracting him (your son) from the herd" (I'm paraphrasing here)

I had a woman call me yesterday in tears who told me the story of how she lost her daughter as a baby and all she had was her son.  He was about to get married to this lovely girl.  She said, "he's all I have in this world"

I asked her if the girl was nice and she said, "YES!! SHE'S A DOLL!!!"

I told her, "they are always nice at first"

I went on to say:

"I don't care if she stands on her eyelashes and shoots little b b's out of her nose, don't say anything about it! Whatever she does or says, let is go over your head like you never noticed it.  All you have right now rests in her hands. Do not allow her to have any ammunition against you."

She said she would.  My point here is that these girls will find something they can grab hold of and use against you. (SOME OF THEM, LUISE)

Just do not pay one notice to it. Act like you are not hurt!! Do not let her know or your son know that you are hurt.  It will only fuel her fire and her mother's fire too. 

I'm through with my rant and now you all can let loose on me.   >:(


Offline luise.volta

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2009, 09:43:11 AM »
No way, Prissy. That has been your experience and it's very real. It has been mine, too, so I know what you are talking about. This is not anyone's fantasy. When it happens, it is beyond comprehension and immediately beyond repair...no matter what we do or how hard we try. That's because it about them, not us.

The only reason I take the other approach, as well, is because I have a DIL and an ex-DIL who would take a bullet for me in a New York Minute. We have DILs like that on our Forum. Wonderful, warm, bright and loving women who are dishonored and tortured by sicko MILs. That's why I keep harping on the fact that they aren't all bad. And I know it doesn't help to know that when a smiling "demon-in-disguise" comes along and makes off with a beloved son.

I also agree that to fight back in any way just adds fuel to the fire and changes nothing.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2009, 12:20:32 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Prissy

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2009, 11:51:05 AM »
I'm not sure I understand.  Splain please?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2009, 12:23:10 PM »
I'm just saying "Why would anyone let loose on you?" That's how you ended your post.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2009, 12:29:59 PM »
To Irpesky: You haven't don't anything wrong. Because you have a loving heart, you are allowing yourself to be used. We all know that one. The kids are being deprived of a wonderful grandmother because your DIL is so childish herself and has no clue how to even pretend to be an adult. Her mother is enabling that, obviously. And your son is caught in the middle. Bless your heart.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Prissy

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2009, 01:48:02 PM »
I see...I couldn't understand what you meant.  I agree with what you said to Irpesky

SunnyDays09

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2009, 01:19:00 PM »
Oh my goodness, you are experiencing the treatment that most of us MILs receive.  No matter how often it happens, it still hurts beyond belief.

I think maybe (this is just a guess) but your DILs' Mother intervened and decided she would be Queen and not you.  I don't know why this means that you have to be swept from the Castle all together with the dustpan.

As Luise said, "she is extracting him (your son) from the herd" (I'm paraphrasing here)

I had a woman call me yesterday in tears who told me the story of how she lost her daughter as a baby and all she had was her son.  He was about to get married to this lovely girl.  She said, "he's all I have in this world"

I asked her if the girl was nice and she said, "YES!! SHE'S A DOLL!!!"

I told her, "they are always nice at first"

I went on to say:

"I don't care if she stands on her eyelashes and shoots little b b's out of her nose, don't say anything about it! Whatever she does or says, let is go over your head like you never noticed it.  All you have right now rests in her hands. Do not allow her to have any ammunition against you."

She said she would.  My point here is that these girls will find something they can grab hold of and use against you. (SOME OF THEM, LUISE)

Just do not pay one notice to it. Act like you are not hurt!! Do not let her know or your son know that you are hurt.  It will only fuel her fire and her mother's fire too. 

I'm through with my rant and now you all can let loose on me.   >:(

Happened to me, too.  More like thrown out though - would have LOVED the comfort of being swept out!! :D

My advice after ending all contact with them since 06/04?  Take it.  What the heck?  Don't try to understand.  Explain.  Just take it.  Plain and simple.
  This will eventually prove to the other mother that her little plan isn't working.  I had to end it for the assaults were becoming physical. 
   But along with that, I chose not to have a relationship with them ever again and that also means their offspring.  But something deep within my heart is telling me, this was very necessary.  What was the alternative?  Trying to constantly get people to see what they were doing to me and to my family?  Trying to get everyone to choose sides, in a way? 
   It wasn't worth it to me.  They have proven to me how much I ever meant to them.  It was probably in the area of:  $7500 around the wedding.  Maybe a little more here and there. 
  I wasn't worth their love.  So what's the point?

SunnyDays09

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2009, 07:14:02 AM »
  Does Dr. Phil count?  Maurie Povich or Jerry Springer?  LOL. 

Counseling is most beneficial.  I met a wonderful therapist when my marriage was on shakey ground and I had some residual problems with alcoholism in my family.  She was wonderful.
   I definitely called on them as well when my son began drinking and causing turmoil for his family at 17.   
   But with this one - I don't know.  I truly feel it would be money wasted on THEM.  For I don't seek a reconciliation or any type of mediation with them ever.  I have disowned them in my heart and soul. 
  Perhaps future sessions concerning  the actual assaults would help--and the "why didn't I do more to protect myself and my daughter?" nagging at me.   Why didn't I call the police?  Press charges.  Go to the ER? 
   That is the only thing that makes me wonder.  Why do captives stay and take it? 
    Why didn't I fight back?  There's some chinks in my armor for sure.  I have always been the one that gave out hugs, no matter what.  Helped the one that was being picked on.  Tried to always instill strength and self belief. 
Sought them out like a heat seeking missile.  Just to let them know they are not alone.  They matter.  They deserve better.  If it wasn't for me and my husband my son would most likely have not made it.  Either drunk driving accident (which They BOTH were in at one time) or severe health issues.  He had a warm, loving home.  The people there had concern and love for him and did whatever it took to get him well.
  But these monsters?  I have no desire to be around those types ever again.  If I do, I would rather be sent to a war zone in my flak jacket and helmet.  At least I would have SOME protection!! 


Offline luise.volta

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2009, 10:01:44 AM »
H/D - I read your posts and I feel I am looking into the face of healing. It's wonderful!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

SunnyDays09

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2009, 07:27:05 PM »
H/D - I read your posts and I feel I am looking into the face of healing. It's wonderful!
Wow, thank you Luise.  I am feeling pretty good too!  Sometimes it's good to just talk it out. Right?  You have made me feel so welcome and have been so helpful.  I can't wait until I think about the hurts and they aren't painful anymore.  That's when I know I will be healed.  Or at least some of them.  LOL
  I feel a bit left out for my situation was waaaay different than most.  Some things are similar, but when reading mine I even feel it is so bizarre.  And different, too, that I no longer have dealings with them.
  The decision to remove the toxic people was strictly for health and sanity issues.  Not just a flippant whatever and boom they are no longer family.  The decision came about after my son's reply to my email - if it was even my son - no more emails.  (That's what I got.  Like a dagger in the heart.) 
   "If you want to get passed this you will have to apologize to bridey and her family."  No chance of that happening, so; Good bye son.  Have a full rich life.   
  And that was it.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2009, 09:48:47 PM »
Horrible and maybe more dramatic in the circumstances...but strong evidence that you were able to act in your own defense sooner than most of us. Wise survival instincts.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

SunnyDays09

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #13 on: September 02, 2009, 07:12:39 AM »
Horrible and maybe more dramatic in the circumstances...but strong evidence that you were able to act in your own defense sooner than most of us. Wise survival instincts.

((((luise))))  Hugs to you.
  (Survival also meant having all the locks changed in my home and making sure my car was always locked in the locked garage!)  When I had received the anonymous letter in the mail a couple years back alerting me to the fact I was despicable due to the fact I did not make it right with my Son, I made out a police report.  And made sure my two close sisters knew.  Even sent a copy to one and asked her if she knew about it.  Always cover your behind!  lol  But I always wonder... "what's around the corner?" 
« Last Edit: September 02, 2009, 07:14:17 AM by HappyDays09 »

Offline MammaT

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Re: What could i have done so wrong to my DIL
« Reply #14 on: April 13, 2017, 12:29:27 PM »
Thank you to all of you. I feel so hurt and hurt for all of you as well. Its so hard to take that I gave birth and raised my son properly, loving, kind, helpful , good mannered. I thaught him to respect women, how to treat them so on and on. The one thing i never thought to teach my son is how to grown into a man and keep his mother and wife respected and happy . i wish i would have taught him that when you know she is "the girl" you need to set down your thoughts on how you treat your mom/ parents and expect her to do the same. I really kick my self forthinking when i taught my son to respect and treat women that this included his mother. Silly me,.Thank you to all who have welcomed me and posted her for help. I really appreciate it.
"Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you" unknown