now how to handle this new situation

[artlady]

My DD is wanting to know what I want to do for Mother's day but also saying we need to be together and she has already told her DH she doesn't want a gift. Before I could reply ( email ) she says maybe to come up there , have lunch go out to the Farmer's Market ( as it is huge with lots of things) ETC Now here is the same DD, wanted to know about my birthday ( turned 60 in March) again it was all around us going up there , just like she has already stated how Christmas will go, again on Christmas day at their house ( last year we did since she was too close to delivery). Still no card, no gift nothing from a DD who never has missed being with me or at least coming , sending a gift. Now he is on a sleep schedule , I don't know why they or DD and gs drive down for the day or night ( live only 70 miles). She says he is too young to go that far ( he is now 12 weeks old) . She said in her reply that now people will have to visit them more . I've been up there since the baby has been born more than they have come home in two years( since she married him). He he has no family traditions, not close to any nor does he want to. My DB went with us last year and said he won't go back as they didn't do gifts since they had to buy things still for baby left on registry. My DH and DB both gave SIL a present he still to thank my DB, SIL never thanks anyone for anything . I had already bought so much for the baby I knew i couldn't ' afford to buy anything else. I've got a nursery with crib, changing table , swing,pack and play , walker I've got stuff so none of the parents have to load so much like we did and in hopes that would make it easy for them to visit. I feel like now DD thinks all special events , holidays etc will be spent with them at their house , with the rude SIL. That is not how I want to spend special times always on eggshells, I don't mind it some but why can't DH and I have some of our family traditions remain the same . I'm willing to have Christmas for them all a weekend before or after that suits them, but we have other family that comes here so we can't forget about them . She is really putting me in a bad situation , as she has no clue how we feel about SIL( he is very controlling , scheduled , non emotional type ) , we are always nice to him and just take his rudeness but since the baby it has been one tough cookie to swallow. I feel so bad that I can't tell her why we want to have some of our special times here as is is emotionally better on us , as we feel like such intruders and unwanted  when in their house . Oh she is fine when we are there he just has an attitude the whole time , making it very unpleasant. So now i know it is hard to know if you haven't seen all my posts concerning DD and SIL but I need to know how I"m going to handle this without hurting her feelings . ( it is OK to keep hurting mine i guess ).

[artlady]

My birthday she still says we will celebrate it and I've been up to see her 2 or three times since but a friend rode with me to each time to take her a gift( already gave her one at shower I gave ) , she says when i come alone we will celebrate ( and with SIL)  Yuck .  Anyhow DH was trying to arrange something here or at my favorite restaurant ( others wanted to celebrate with me and they couldn't at her house to far away ) So DH asked her if they could come and bring baby if he had it here , oh no baby too young 9 weeks old to travel and fussy.  So she asks but then tells me what she thinks i need to do , same for Easter , drive up there , we had a wedding to go to . OK i thought i needed to clarify but who knows I might have caused more confusion. Like a friend said who is ready to burst, she can't believer after seeing me struggle as a widow with a young child for 12 years( she was exactly 2 when he was killed) , all i sacrificed for her , he left me in his bankruptcy ( plus he was huge womanizer so the other women and other child he had on the side were devastated oh i could write a book ) so I lost everything from land of my parents , to our house , etc had to struggle for a along time to regain anyting and yet i kept it going . Sent her to the private girls school she decided on , gave her a very nice wedding and now this is how I'm treated. I just wonder . OK  enough ,.

[Doe]

I'd be inclined to enjoy your DH's plan and encourage your DD to enjoy her first mother's day with her family.  You can always get together another day.  Life can be chaotic with a new baby and I think keeping things as simple as possible is the way I would go.

Remember - Mother's Day in the US is basically a retail holiday.  Even the woman who created it soured on the commercialization!  I know I sound cynical (used to work for a greeting card co) but I just want to encourage you not to get upset about a holiday unless you have to.  There's enough angst around Christmas & T'Gving to last the year, imo.

What are you inclined to do?

[Ruth]

Very good point, Doe, I also agree.  Artlady, I am hearing that some deeper pain may be beginning to surface.  Life changes can trigger that.  I hope you can let all these nonessentials drop away, and find in all of this maybe some closure and healing that you may need from some old wounds.  I believe circumstances many times come into our lives for reasons that  may not make sense to us at the time, but these annoying and perplexing circumstances and obstacles may be the harbingers of change, positive change. 

[Doe]

Agreed, Ruth.  I wish there was a thumbs up thingy...

[artlady]

I wouldn't change my life a bit , I fought a very rare cancer at 26 , was in Duke for 6 months with chemo everyday they could give it to me , they discouraged me from pregnancy but this is woman that wanted 6, had a miracle birth recorded with my type of cancer , was married to man , his 3rd wife and he was 10 years older, he ran through all my family inheritance , was killed in car wreck , left me in bankruptcy and with a little darling daughter . I think it made me a strong person as by the time I was 32 I had gone through things that most took a life time to experience. I'm just saying I feel that since the SIL is so detached from his family, no empathy for others , not a social person ( as she is ) and is very controlling  he is so satisfied if don't ever show up as he showed us that in his full glory when GS was born and we were at the hospital. This is so hard on me as either she knows and is in denial or she has no clue how we feel about SIL. I have a hard time not telling her we don't' want to cause her problems but we know he doesn't want us around and we just don't know how to react or do not to cause a problem for her . I want a relationship with my Gs but I can't not see how it might affect her life with her DH. WE will just have to step back and wait until things are better. GS is doing so good and she is so much better , I was feeling so relieved but not so sure how to take all the year long holidays , etc for how they plan to be . If we want to see them if will be there . SIL has said earlier once they had kids if anyone wanted to see them or the kids they would have to come there. So it hurts knowing they might not come here ( 70 miles). OK got to watch a little TV to move on , tomorrow is another day and I've lived through so much worse but i was younger than too . Thanks , hugs to all

[luise.volta]

When I get in a situation like that I just say this is what feels good to me. I can't explain it...it's just what's so. Sending love...

[artlady]

Thanks Luise, I was feeling so much better as DD and GS are both getting their much needed sleep so I felt things were less worrisome for me now to find out she is really thinking that everyone will come to their house for birthdays, holidays etc gives me the idea of them being a bit selfish that some things we would like to be home for as in the past. I have no problem adapting to new traditions , adjusting old ones but giving them up all together at my age is a bit hard. I have 2 step sons and 2 step grandsons in another city the opposite direction from DD and SIL so we have to be fair , we can't do everyting with DD and leave  them out , not go to their houses. So I was thinking to alleviate that is to have Christmas for all at another time like so many do or make Thanksgiving our big time together . Hey we might get to the place like some i know they take trips as it is just too hard to bring their families together at a holiday. I love DD and want her to enjoy every minute of Gs, I know it is all new to them , they are finding their way and soon it will all be smoother sailing for them all. I'm just the old mom that has to sit back and take whatever is given out , appreciate all the texts, emails ( still no calling ) of how gs day is going with pics everyonce in a while and have that warm fuzzy grandma feeling ( when we have really never been able to bond until recently since he is more rested). This is very hard to swallow as I feel such a distance there between us that has never been there before but I don't' think she is even aware as she is too busy which i totally understand and don't expect her to be dealing . I'm not wanting her to know how i feel but trying to avoid the SIL is hard as she wants us to visit for specail times and I have to counter with another idea . Thanks again and hugs to you too

[constantmargaret]

I think where you celebrate is less important than that you celebrate. At least your DD wants you there. Would SIL be any more tolerable at your house?

He's not going away any time soon, so whether you're at your place or at hers, maybe the best thing is to learn to not take his mannerisms and rudeness quite so personally. Maybe he's   just like that. Hopefully he'll mellow with age, but if he doesn't don't you just have to get used to him? By avoiding him you'll be avoiding your DD and GS.

Perhaps your DD is selfish. It sounds like you've sacrificed a lot for her. She's used to that. That's how your relationship has always worked. I know it's hard to get your adult children to stop taking and to move toward a more balanced relationship and then to actually start giving back. I'm struggling with that too.

Have the holidays at home that you want to, and invite them all. Whoever comes, comes. But do that because you want to be home regardless of who comes. Even if nobody comes. My DH and I have become frustrated with trying to have Thanksgiving and Christmas here because of everyone else's commitments and schedules. Last year we did what you suggested and had a get together on a night between Christmas and New Years. We had a variety show, no gifts, just come share your talent. We had a wonderful fun time, nobody had to sacrifice their other family gatherings, and we got to have our own private holiday celebrations on the actual day. I have had to be very flexible and willing to embrace new traditions. It feels awkward at first, but then it's freeing.

[lancaster lady]

That's just it Artlady , she has no idea how you feel , what you are going through  so therefore she can't fix it .
If perhaps you could tell her in a kind way how you feel , it may change things .
She doesn't know by not visiting you how hurt you are , plus your birthday , and Mother's day .
It's going to be her first , so I would let her celebrate it with her family .
You are now getting what we have been getting for years with our DS's , we have to get used
to our change in the pecking order . Where before we were all so close , now still close just a bit further
down the queue .
It takes a while to get used to , but by texting you each day , it means you are in her thoughts
and she wants to share her news with you . Most of us do not get anything .
In time she will be desperate for a babysitter ,and you know who she will call , but for now
she is adjusting and learning to be a mom and that doesn't happen overnight .

I have just requested a spare bed in my DS's house , so I can babysit overnight , as I know they won't come
here .......just sowing the seed , I hope it flourishes .

[Ruth]

It takes a while to get used to , but by texting you each day , it means you are in her thoughts
and she wants to share her news with you . Most of us do not get anything .

You are so right, dear LL, most of us here do not get anything. 

[Doe]

When I get in a situation like that I just say this is what feels good to me. I can't explain it...it's just what's so. Sending love...

There's that quote:
Never explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it.
- Belgicia Howell

[artlady]

Hey Doe I love that quote . Thanks . Yes and LL you r so right. Oh they have plenty of bedrooms but only one single bed in a one bedroom , does that tell you anything ? Don't' think he wants anyone staying over night although I have stayed over night before baby. I know she is adjusting and like an friend who is a great grandmother told me when her great grand daughter was telling her how to do things with her baby, she told her I've raised 4 boys, taken care of you and all the other 5 other grand children and so far I've not killed or hurt a one of them. So everyone sees the new parenting as so different so i guess I'm not alone . I think there needs to be a way to convey to her how i feel as we have always talked like sisters when not talking like mother and daughter so it is a very close relationship i just don't' want to upset or hurt her in anyway. I want her to enjoy all of this time as they are grown before you can blink your eyes. I also know that so many grandmothers feel once the grandkids come they get time to relive that time again with them as when they had their own childrent they didn't' have the time or the money to do as they can with the grands. I do so love babies and children so it makes it so hard not to get my hands on that little gs more , to feel close to him and that I'm bonded but i don't' feel that way and hope i do but fear I've got a protection around my heart already. I am glad i get the text and emails but that in itself if good but hard being this is a DD that called to share so many specail things with me or bad things that now not hearing her voice but 4 times in 12 weeks is very very tough on both DH and myself. I'll let her see how she wants to spend mother's day , I"m sure it will be like all other specail days nothing extra done at their house as he is not the romantic , sentimental type so it Will be a regular day. Poor thing but if she is happy then that is all that really counts. Old mom will adjust as all of us moms do. thanks

[artlady]

constantmargaret , yes i think SIL is better here or at least we feel more at ease then at his house . His lack of respect for us from how he was before the wedding is just such a 180 so we don't' know how to handle it . Now this is a guy that wanted DH to stand up beside him at the wedding along with his own dad. Of course DH was appreciative that he felt like that , asked him but he explained to him that was his dad's place , his dad might not really like it ( SIL and dad r not close ) . DH and SIL did lots together prior to and now nothing , DH just hates to go as he feels like he is intruding or so not welcomed by SIL and I feel the same too. Being here is easier as there we want to not stay long , love the DD and being with her but her is always correcting her , or us in a conversation so it makes it hard to relax around him anywhere , here we can get busy fixing meal etc to avoid the silent times or being ignored by SIL. Family times are fun whereever you are and whatever you are celebrating when they isn't all the drama to go with it but if for that day if he could just accept DD's family (as he doesn't have any closeness with his ) things would be great as we are not in their way all the time , popping in uninvited , calling all the time etc. WE give them plenty of space , so I don't 'know what else we can do , we feel like we aer kissing his feet now to keep the peace and to support her . He knows what he is doing and I'm sure he wants the wedge there not to have contact with either side as much as possible . So that is something we have to be ready to face and move on . I worry that DD has already gotten grief about her loving family , so we might be the thorn in his side . WE have two other GS from DH 's sons (my SSons ) so they do give us lots of love , time with them and actually let us keep them here whenever they need help(they r about 100 miles away) or we just need some baby time . So relaxed about it all makes being grandparents easy. So we are thankful and are blessed in so many ways. hugs to all , looking for some good rain down here in NC . 

[pam1]

Just a thought, but SIL may feel the same way about visiting your house as you do his.  Perhaps a neutral spot?  But I also agree with new babies not wanting to travel too much and can understand the logic that it is easier  for you to come to them rather than the other way around.

I think you might be reading a little too much into how many beds they have per bedroom and that kind of thing.  Just doesn't seem very productive and to be honest, I'm not sure how it really says anything about SIL that wouldn't apply to your own DD as well. 

I notice you keep going back to the wedding incident and how it was an accident (I forget the details) but have you apologized to him?  I get the feeling that you think he should have just gotten over it and that IMO is worse than the actual offense, most of the times.  If he was pleasant at one time then there is hope there can be a reconciliation, but both parties have to be open to it.  He might not even be willing to talk about it, maybe you have tried apologizing, I don't know.  I just don't think it's very productive to keep going back on an incident that seems pivotal to the relationship souring but *not* trying to reconcile it.

I mean this with the best intentions but the gist I get from your posts is that you're finding a lot of offense in many things simply because you're looking for it.