Question, especially for those with grown sons

[NewMama]

Would you rather not hear about time spent with your child spends with their inlaws (or grandchildren with other grandparents)? Especially mothers with DSs?

My husband and I are disagreeing about something related to sharing info like that. I'm a long way from being a MIL, so I was wondering about your opinions, ladies. 

[luise.volta]

This is an open Forum. We learn from each other and respect each other at the same time. It started out as www.MotherInLawsUnite.com but so many DILs joined that I changed the name after the first year. We practice the "Take what you want and leave the rest" concept and each person needs to pass on posts that don't interest them. We don't do debate. WWU if for caring and sharing. So far, so good!  Sending love...

[NewMama]

Sorry Louise, I guess my question sort of came across the wrong way. I was honestly just looking for some clarity, my husband feels it's perfectly ok to tell him mom how much time my mom spends with my son and how he reacts to her and I just wish he wouldn't. He feels because he's being honest, it's ok. I feel that because it probably hurts his moms feelings, he shouldn't. I don't know how to delete the thread, so please feel free to.

[Pen]

Is there a reason why your MIL isn't as involved w/the GC?

Do you share stories about your MIL's interactions w/ the GC with your own mom? If so, how does she react?

As a MIL (but not a GM) I don't like the idea of being kept in the dark. Rather than having my feelings spared by being ignorant of the truth, I'd want things to be more equal.

[Pen]

Oh, welcome BTW!

If you haven't already done so, please go to the home page and read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

[NewMama]

Distance is the only reason we don't see her as often. Things have been a bit tense between us lately, but I'd never keep her from us or my son. She lives a little over an hour away, where as my mom lives just a few minutes away, walking. My mom drops in for short, frequent visit and my MIL has less frequent longer visits. My MIL told me when my son was a newborn that it bothers her that my mom will probably see him more often. At the time I was sorta perplexed by that because she actually was seeing him more, because of some issues between my mom and I we have since worked out. If we lived closer to her, I'm sure we'd see her more often and my husband does talk to her frequently on the phone, usually once during the week and once on the weekends. We send photos, update her digital frame for her, have tried using video calling on our laptop just to sort of help with the difference. When her and her partner are at the their summer home it's slightly closer to us and they have to come to our city to run errands. We've always encouraged them to stop in if they're in town but they don't unless the visit has been arranged well ahead of time. That's more of an issue with him than her. We've tried to keep her as involved as possible, but short of us moving I can't seen anything else we can do.

I tell my mom when we're out of town visiting just so someone knows to make sure we got home ok. The highway to MIL's is not so great. I also tell her when my MIL is visiting so she doesn't drop by unannounced (which she does frequently and I don't mind) because it would interfere with my MIL's time with us. My mom is aware of how my son reacts to my MIL because he reacts that way to pretty well everyone but her (his GFs, aunt and uncle, friends, etc). We've only recently convinced my MIL not to rush him when she comes in the door (or we come in the door) because it scares him. It is getting better with his getting older.

My stance has been not to share with my MIL how often my mom is here or how my son reacts to her because it does seem to bother her. Even if she pries about it. My husband however is very logical so he thinks that since 1) my mom does seem him more, 2) she is the only other person who can walk in the door and scoop him up, and 3) his mom does live farther away that it's perfectly ok to point this out in conversation with her. It is the truth, but I think it does hurt her feelings (and she sorta is taking that out on me as of late). After the last visit I did ask him not to point out to her that my mom is the only other person he seems to know immediately but he  doesn't understand why it would be upsetting because it's true and the reality of our situation. 

So I guess that's what I was wondering - would you rather know what was going on even if it's painful or is it better just not to hear about it?

[jdtm]

Would you rather not hear about time spent with your child spends with their in-laws (or grandchildren with other grandparents)?

We have two adult sons - one married and one now divorced.  To answer your question - it depends upon the family of our DIL.  In the married son's case, the family of our DIL is considerate and compassionate and do not try to "one-up" us re family holidays and visits.  We get along well together and we enjoy each other's company (in fact when we are together, our wonderful DIL as well as her mother, make sure we all interact with the grandchildren as equally as possible).  Now, the other son's family - the DIL who is now ex - well, her family is/was very selfish and very self-centered (hmmm - maybe part of the reason for the divorce?).  So, in that case, it was very upsetting to "hear" of their "wonderful" and "close family" times and our - well, let's not go into that. 

So, I guess it depends upon the generosity, empathy and consideration of the "people" involved.  And, since my limited "research" extends to only our two sons; it appears to be 50-50.  But, as Jesus said so long ago - "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is the validating point.  It depends .....

[Scoop]

I can see that you want to have a good relationship with your MIL and I think that's awesome.  Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do to "change her mind".  She's in charge of her own emotions and she's going to have to work through them herself.

You can try talking to her about it and ASK her if she would rather NOT hear about the time DS spends with your Mom.  Or you can call her out on why they don't visit when they're in town.  Or you can call her out on why she's focusing on the negatives, instead of the positives.  But you can't change the way she thinks or feels - only she can do that.

Good luck.

[elsieshaye]

It really sounds like the issue is that your MIL feels hurt by certain things your DH is saying to her, and then takes that hurt out on you rather than him.  Can  you just point that part out to him, rather than couching it as what is more appropriate to do?  Like "Sweetie, I notice that your mother reacts in X way when you say Y thing.  And then she does Z behavior or says Z thing to me as a result."  And then invite him to brainstorm with you about how to address that. 

"Well, just ignore her!" isn't really a plan, because (at least with me) it leaves me feeling like he doesn't have my back.  I have occasionally had to use the "I know you don't understand why this is the case, but I need you to just trust me and accept that it -is- the case, and act accordingly" approach with my SO.  He also tries to apply his own sensibilities, or "logic", to situations that aren't about him, and I've found that pointing the above out to him usually helps.  I'm also trying to get him to understand what I mean when I point out "mean girl" behavior, but that one's harder.

[luise.volta]

I think we can get into generalities pretty easily when reactions are often very individualized. What upsets one person can be something another person barely notices. My take is that this issue has be be addressed around the personalities involved. Sending love...

[Pen]

How does it just "happen" that families move close to DIL's FOO rather than DS's FOO? I think that's a set up for a lot of MIL pain. Some understanding of her feelings will go a long way to help the MIL/DIL relationship.

I for one don't want to be treated like a mental patient in lockdown where people withhold "upsetting" info. I just want things to be more equal. Either lessen the involvement of DIL's FOO or increase the involvement of DS's FOO. Balance it out more.

Like that's going to happen in my life!   I know I'm heading for a lot of pain when the GC finally start arriving.

[NewMama]

It seems as though the DS's FOO gets the short end of the stick quite a bit. I think ever since we told my MIL that we were expecting I tried as much as possible to include her, my DH is an only child. I thought we had been doing a good job of that until about 5 months ago, and now it seems it will never be enough because I can't make it equal. I've been biting my tongue with her snarky comments because I'm trying to be sympathetic that being away from her only child and grandchild is difficult. She never says anything in front of DH, and he didn't believe me that she was jealous of the time my mom spent with him until I told him she point blank said it that way when he was little. No hinting, no subtlety, no glossing it over - "I'm jealous your mom will get to see him more often". He's so logical (it's like being married to Spock!) and practical that having an strong emotional reaction to something often seems strange to him. I think admitting that was big on her part, and everything was still fine for months after that.

In our situation, we live were I grew up, so my family is also here. DH moved here for a job before we met. The only one capable of babysitting is my mom, so we don't get out together much - twice in a year. Which my MIL considers excessive. I think I'm just at a point where I feel like I'm trying to fill a bottomless pit...the only way to make it 'equal' is to restrict my family from seeing my son. We share holidays among both sides of family, we encourage visits, we call frequently, send photos etc. We have 4 separate grandparents since both our parents are divorced, plus my dad is remarried. It's very hard to balance everyone. Both of our dads are the ones who get the least time with him, and don't say boo about it. I'm a loss as to how make things more balanced between the two gma's besides cutting my mom off (which I'm not doing). I thought maybe not telling her about when my mom babysits or stops in would help since you can't compare if you don't know.

[Silver Spring]

I think it just happens at the same rate that sons move close to their FOO with their wives. Jobs, opportunity, expenses, and other things can play a part in that irrelevant of where a FOO lives. If I am taking it personally when my son (who moved near his wife's family), that is MY problem that I need to overcome. I make do with the 3-4 visits I get each year (as someone upthread said) and I am tickled for the effort considering the expense involved. There have been times where I have no seen him or my GKs in a year. I am also extremely happy that while my time with DS is limited, it is in chunks of time as opposed to a drop in here or there. I'm the g-ma that is there for special events, however rare by comparison, and to kids, that counts for  something too.

[Scoop]

I think it's a question of perspective.  Our first year together, my MIL accused us of spending more time with my FOO than with the IL's.  I was shocked and didn't know what to say.  But then, when we got home, I checked our calendar and we had in fact visiting the IL's MORE.

To me, my MIL has a negative outlook.  She's always looking for the negative and, of course, successfully finds it.  So instead of being happy to see us, she concentrates on the fact that she wants to see us MORE (thus, making our time with her unpleasant).  Or else, she'll moan that she didn't get to see DD for her first Christmas (DD was 10 weeks old), instead of being happy that she got to see DD more "conscious" of Christmas the following year.

She's the same with SisIL (her DD) too.  She was crying that SisIL didn't get her kids Christened, that SisIL had "thrown away" everything they had taught her.  Except, it was just that one thing.  And SisIL was making real sacrifices to stay at home with the kids, just like MIL did.  MIL didn't like it when I pointed that out.

On the other hand, my Mom is always happy to see us and hear from us. She doesn't rag on us for not visiting enough or calling more often.  SHe's interested in us and treats us all fairly.  We *LIKE* her and we LIKE to spend time with her.

[Pooh]

I also think that as a Mother, IMO, you have to be a realist.  Most of the time, Daughters do like spending more time with their Mother.  I sure do so I get that.  I think in most situations, Daughters and Mothers discuss everything whereas a Mother and Son, not as much.  They don't get into "touchy feely" subjects as much as I think a Daughter and Mother can.  I know there are exceptions, just in general this is my opinion.  So I personally would fully expect for my OS/DIL to spend more time with her family...I think it's normal.

Then like you guys said, geography plays a huge role.  If one lives far away and the other very close, I also would find it normal that the family that lived closer would see them more.

And NewMama, there is no way I would punish my family simply to try to make time equal.  You have valid reasons for your Mother getting more frequent visits and that wouldn't be right to deny her that.  I do agree with you that although your DH may think he is doing the right thing, if MIL is having to hear about it all the time, that could be fueling the jealousy.  What he sees as honesty, she could be seeing as rubbing it in.  Not that DH's intention is to do that, just how she may be feeling.