Author Topic: new baby , new mom , new grandmom  (Read 4105 times)

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Offline artlady

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new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« on: April 10, 2012, 08:55:05 AM »
just want to know if any of your DD's or DS's have used a "cry out " method or Ferber method to "sleep train " their babies? I've looked at it and it states it is for no younger than 4 months but better for 6months and up. Now this crazy pediatrician that my DD/SIL see has them on this for their 9 week old. I find it very strange and the method i read about said not to let them cry longer than 40 minutes but she told them not to let him cry longer than an hour. My goodness this little guy as had lots of fussy , gassy issues , he is a big nurser and not really gaining lots ( in 10% for weight and 75% for height) so this new method of not nursing but 5-10 minutes on either side ( of which he nursed way more ) and to not feed him but every 3 hours .  Now they r doing the sleep training for day naps of 2-3 hours and sleeping through the night for 7-8 hours is the goal. DD said now they will have to tell people not to visit unless it is a good time for nap, they can't travel he is too small and getting on a schedule ( so we r 70 miles , we go there ) , this is not a happy baby so far not much smiling . I"m new to all this new stuff but I just wondered if a baby can be learning this or he falls asleep from exhaustion from crying ( they go in to soothe him, not pick up then lessen visits ). Doctor told them by 3rd night he would have it . I just hope this doesn't cause a set back in his weight gain ( he needs a little ) and what it will do to feeling secure and reassured someone is there. Please tell me if you know anything about all this as I said this young I wasn't too concerned about a schedule being so tight and rigid.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2012, 08:58:20 AM »
It isn't new…it was really big in the 20s and there are mamy of us still alive who spent years in theapy trying to recover.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Silver Spring

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2012, 09:03:03 AM »
Ferberizing is very common in the United States. Doctors do sometimes recommend it, and it is up to the parents to decide if they choose to go that route or not. Either way, damage to the baby is debatable, just as it is with attachment parenting. Since you say they do go in and check on the baby from time to time, they are connecting with the child, without picking the child up. This is providing support for a baby that is simply fussy, at least to parents that practice it.

I think your DD will do what she is comfortable with and I think it would go a long way to trust the relationship she has with her Doctor and SIL regarding parenting techniques. If it is not working for her, trust that she will change her method. Parents are good at adapting.

It is possible your daughter, as exhausted as she is, needs a break from checking on the baby all the time and it may be of her benefit. What you have described for her situation doesn't sound easy, and the doctor may have suggested that for her sake for a little while to at least get the little guy to self-soothe a little more often than he is.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2012, 09:05:58 AM »
I Googled "Crying It Out" and there is a lot on the Web you might find interesting.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline artlady

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2012, 09:12:37 AM »
Oh I've read a lot about it both the good and the bad. i know she needs her rest and she does take day naps along with him so she sleeps when he sleeps, goes to bed at night when he does so both are on the same sleep time , the Daddy is not as he works all day and she is at home all day. I just hope this doesn't take long but then as we all know schedules seem to change a lot with one so little and you have ear infections , cold , teething and lots more that can interrupt any good schedule I just pray and hope they understand with babies you have to be flexible because each day is a new beginning . I hope she will stand up when needed to do what she thinks rather than what anyone else says, doctors friends etc.  Mother's instinct is the best guide . Maybe this baby will soon be a happy baby , smile and coo that will be a good day

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2012, 10:14:27 AM »
I still think 10 weeks is too young for this method ....actually I think any age is wrong for this method .
As for getting the Mom more rest , I would be clinging from the ceiling listening to my baby cry .
You know the old way of Grandma being there for a helping hand when needed still holds true with me .
What do I know ....I know that when you are tired and at your wits end with a screaming baby , another
pair of hands is a Godsend .

Silver Spring

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2012, 10:32:28 AM »
To each their own. Listening to a crying baby is never easy, but if the result is that the baby cries less during the night after the third night, then it might work for everyone living under that roof.

I was an attachment parent myself, but I try very hard not to judge the parenting of others. We all have made mistakes parenting, and we all have, hopefully, learned from them. I think this couple is owed the same, provided they are on the same page and especially under a doctors' orders. If this method is not working, in all likelihood, the parents will make changes. If this doesn't work because the child does not stop crying, then it sounds like they can not continue it, because the end result is to have the child cry less. The father will not be getting extra sleep, so, by default, they will know when to try something different, b/c they will all be exhausted.

From what I understand of it, Ferber is not the same as Crying It Out per Dr. Ferber. While I wouldn't try it myself, going in to give your child a backrub as they cry instead of picking them up doesn't sound like distant parenting to me, it still sounds supportive, and for some babies it could even be more relaxing than getting picked up and moved to a different room. My eldest only needed his cheek rubbed to fall asleep. That was hard for me to learn. I was doing a bit too much activity for him when I took him out of the crib to rock him. Hardest lesson of my life, but once I learned it, we were both happy.

Offline Scoop

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2012, 11:42:41 AM »
Artlady - this is really none of your business.  I say this with your best interests at heart.  If you try and give your opinion on sleep training, you will lose, no matter what.  It will seem like criticism to them, no matter how you put it.  This is a path that they have to walk themselves.  They have to make their own decisions regarding how to raise their children.  And you don't get a vote, not even an opinion other than "I'm sure you'll do what's best for your family".


Offline lancaster lady

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2012, 02:06:00 PM »
I think Artlady knows this Scoop , she is just thinking out loud amongst the ladies and finding
out different methods which new Moms are practising now .
That's why we come here , to say things we would never dream of actually saying to the people concerned .
Airing our opinions in cyber space .

CrystalBall

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2012, 02:43:28 PM »
ArtLady if it helps you to feel better the Ferber Sleep Training is supposed to show effects fairly quickly so they will know soon if it works or not.  I had one daughter that used this method and saw benefits.  The other daughter is still not getting a full night of sleep from her 6 month old as husband feels crying must be attended to so there is no escalation of time letting baby cry which supposedly trains longer sleep.  The benefit I had in the instance of the Ferber training daughter/Mom was that she lived nearby and I was around helping her as a stay at home Mom.  In the other situation, my other daughter lives a distance away as yours does.  The challenge is not knowing specifically how things are going based on seeing and more dependent on info coming from phone calls.  You're close to your daughter so I see no problem pleasantly asking how the sleep training is going, assume she will persist or drop Ferber, give her any helpful suggestions you remember from your days of being Mom to this her when she was an infant, etc. I am sure you know the difference between dominating the sleep issue and supporting her.  Sometimes I just don't get the "say nothing" philosophy as if Grandma saying anything concerning baby to her own daughter that she has a close relationship with is so bad.  In a good relationship there is comfortable give and take.  Likewise the daughter might make suggestions to her Mother.  No one every says Daughter, don't make any suggestions to your Mother when she is struggling with an issue because you'd be interfering.  Most of all, sure you don't need to worry.  Baby's feeding quantity and sleep issues will work out because your daughter has a good mind and perhaps experimenting so she herself can get more rest as well as baby healthy and happy

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2012, 02:54:10 PM »
good Post Crystal,

I think it's easier to voice your opinion to your own DD .
However it definitely is a no go with your DIL , which I found out to my loss .

CrystalBall

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2012, 03:06:56 PM »
Thanks Lancaster Lady.  I so agree.  Those I know with Daughters in Law are super careful and with your own daughter from years of chatting and knowing each other well, it is easier to give an opinion not viewed as an edict or interference.  A mere crumb of life experience, take it or leave it theme

Offline NewMama

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2012, 04:08:44 PM »
"Ferbering" has been around for a while, I think he initially published his book in the early 80s. It's not new at all. He is quite clear about it though that it shouldn't be used on babies less than 6 months old, and I don't think the doctor sounds well versed in what it actually is. Breastfed babies should always be fed on demand, and never have their nursing times limited, ever.

That being said, I really think the advice thing is tricky, even when dealing with your own DD vs a DIL. My mom said a lot of stuff to me when my son was a newborn that I'm sure she thought was helpful. But all I heard every time I talked to her was a laundry list of what I was doing wrong and her criticizing my son for being what she perceived as difficult (and I saw as perfectly normal). So what did I do? Stop calling, blocked her online, stopped answering phone calls, and some days didn't answer the door.  My mom would ask how my son ate or slept, and in the beginning I'd answer. Sometimes she never said anything, but later I had family members approaching me saying that she had told them how difficult he was. When my son was 6 months old she finally concluded that I have an incredibly happy healthy boy, and that just *maybe* I was making good decisions for him. It's infuriating when you're agonizing over making every little decision for your baby and someone comes a long with a supposedly 'better' way to do it, and the only reason is because that's how they did it. That's not good enough for me. My son is not the same baby as me or my brother or my DH. Our situation is not the same as my parents, or my ILs. So DH and I need to make decisions for him, us and our particular situation. I withdrew from my relationship with my mother a lot, and I still check what I say in front of her, although things are better.

I really think offering up unsolicited advice could possibly push her away. My mother is a lot more comfortable voicing her opinion to me than she would be to my sister in law (who we all love). But that doesn't mean there may not be unintended consequences in doing so.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2012, 04:11:51 PM »
I think I read that she is your only child. Please don't make her your only interest…it's unhealthy for everyone. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline artlady

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Re: new baby , new mom , new grandmom
« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2012, 04:45:02 PM »
She is my only child but I've got two great stepsons. Scoop I was just asking on here , she sends updates via email/text everyday on how he is doing . I have not given her any opinion of what I think about all of this , I only am asking here , wanting feedback from ones that have used it and I'm letting them find their way as I don't live there so I"m not the one that has to hear the crying thank goodness.
Thanks LL for coming to my defense and understanding what I was asking. Crystal Ball I'm only 70 miles and could be there very easy to help but that is not what SIL wants , so she has been exhausted from the beginning and said she never knew it would be so tough. I hate seeing her so worn out when i go to visit and I could spend the night anytime as she has asked but I've got a deep gut feeling she hasn't really cleared it with him as she called us from the hospital without his knowledge so I know that is why he was shocked to see us thus is why he was so rude to us when we visited the few short times while we were in town. I don't' want to go stay where I'm not wanted and to put more of a problem on her . So I'm here for her , support her but I just don't think it is good for this baby as he has been so attached to her all day and lots during the night , suffers lots of gas , not a big weight gain, i just hope this doesn't set him back but it is their child not mine. I can just pray this is a success for them . Thanks all for the ones that really understand I"m not giving her any advice , I"m just coming here to ask .