Author Topic: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help  (Read 2492 times)

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kttssteel5

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I have a DD and DS and neither speak, email etc. I raised both children while married to their Dad (step for DD since 2 yr. old)  I was a stay at home Mom so I did the soccer Mom thing, was always there for everything, but in 2003 I had back surgery and still have chronic pain so I do have to take pain meds. daily, my DD was 19 at the time and had moved to her own place and back again, but now she says she never remembers me not doing drugs (her words) and that I was never there for her, none of this is true but now I have 3 almost 4 DGC, that I am not allowed to see because she thinks I am just a druggie, it was a year ago today that she told me never to contact her again,  she wouldn't let me hold my then new grandson because she said i was high, again not true, it may have appeared that way since i hadn't sleep do to steriods the Dr. had me on before burning nerves in my back.  I don't know what I can do, the pain meds. will always be a part of my life unless i do surgery with an outcome of 95% chance of never walking and of course after I had the surgery my DH divorced me for the woman he had been seeing at work for years.  My DS I have no idea why he won't respond to any of my contacts, he lived with me for about 6 months after the divorce but of course when the DH left so did the money and he was turning 16, so he hasn't had anything to do with me since that time even though he doesn't like his step-mom.  I just don't know what i can do they seem to blame everything bad in their lives on me and only remember bad nothing that I every did that was above and beyond for them.  My DD now sees her bio dad even though he was never there for her for 19 yrs., but somehow that is my fault too even though she knows but seems to forget that we would send him invitations to all of her activity's.  I guess it hit hard today because they live in FL and found out through Fb that my DGC'S where in OK over spring break at her dad's mothers house just 2 hrs. from me.  Hw do I handle this pain? And she has blocked anyway of me conacting her so I can't even send my DGC's a b-day card etc.  Someone please tell me what I am suppose to do, not every walk again so that I might have a chance of seeing them although she said alot of other ugly things that I have no idea where they came from it is like she had dreamed up a childhood that didn't happen and believes it.  Sorry this is so long guess I just needed to vent although it hasn't helped.  I even married the man she wanted me too with the hope of a relationship but that only made her happy for about 6 months so now I am in a marriage I didn't really want but can't hurt my DH he is a good man.  Thanks for listening and if anyone can relate or give me advice I would gladly welcome any input. :'(

Offline Ruth

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2012, 05:39:41 AM »
You'll find a lot of us here with similar stories.  This seems to be a pattern all too often with the divorce meltdown.  I'm seeing it play itself out now with my own DD, and two g/ss.  Another WiseWoman and sweetie, Rose, comes to my mind who also got ill and one of her two DD just cut her off and started blaming her for everything.  I am sorry that you are up against this, and sorry for all the painful emotions that I'm all too familiar with.  We really understand here how this feels and how it makes you want to tear your hair out.

Have you arranged a face to face contact with DS and asked point blank why he has chosen not to have a relationship with you?  How do you respond to DD as far as these libelous accusations about being a 'druggie'?  I am assuming that you are indignant, as I would be, and make it clear about your injuries and your constant battle with pain, and possibly even offer to have her accompany you to a visit with your physician to discuss your medical records?  If you have not been really assertive about this, I would suggest that you become assertive in refusing to tolerate this slander.

I think its also very common for the a/c to gravitate toward the parent who was the primary perpetrator of the chaos that led up to and followed the divorce.  My a/c go off and on, sometimes he's their best pal and then it will drop off the radar screen for a while, but it churns itself up a lot and I've learned to distance myself from it.  My DD remained pretty close to me (now mid 30's) but it has been a turbulent relationship.  My DS cut me off about 1 1/2 yrs ago, which led me to this website, and I was so devastated I couldn't function.  He was always beligerant and blaming toward me, and just now our relationship is beginning to improve, as I'm learning now not to pressure him or allow my own neediness to come into play.  That leads to immediate rejection, I can tell you, and if this dynamic is going on with your a/c, please think about withdrawing for a time and getting yourself out of the role of 'love me, need me' and back into a place of self respect as a human being and as a parent who finished up a hard job, well done.  It takes a while to do this, but the support you will get here from other women will be invaluable in making the transition.  I read Josh Coleman's book 'When Parents Hurt' first of all and it was the beginning of my own freedom.  His book explains a lot also about the divorce phenomena and this flip flop thing.  I personally believe its kind of a mind game/denial on the part of even a/c to want to recreate the past.  It takes all of us a long time to grow up emotionally.  Participation here will help you a lot, I promise.

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2012, 06:27:03 AM »
 It sounds like you are in a very lonely place. I know how painful it is when your kids cut you off and act like you are some sort of monster. But you know the mother you were and nobody can take that away from you. If they remember only the bad, that's on them. The best thing you can do for yourself is also the hardest thing to do. Let go. Live your best life. Get happy. Stop focusing on your children. You may find someday when you feel more whole that they want to have you in their lives. And if not, you won't have wasted your life on fruitless attempts to win them back and the rejection that follows. We can't fix other people's perception. We can only adjust ourselves.

Sorry you're hurting.


Offline lancaster lady

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2012, 08:17:27 AM »
hi ktt and Welcome to our forum ,

You will find lots of women in a position similar to your own and there will be lots of advice
coming your way soon .
I would concentrate on your own health and heal .
Whatever you try and explain to your Dd , she has her own ideas on how things were , are .
I would detach and back off completely , and don't look at any FB page which could hurt you .
By not knowing what they are up to , you won't feel left out .
You have your own life to lead , try to look ahead not behind .
Keep posting , sending hugs .

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2012, 08:53:30 AM »
My take: Many of us seem to be up against not being wiling to "have it be the way it is." We get stuck in the injustice, at least I did. My "ex" hated my eldest son. Who do you suppose became his night in shining armor when I was demoted to the worst mother on the planet? You got it. They are adults and they get to make their own choices. How much we are at the effect of that is about us, not them. What I finally got, loud and clear, was that I was a whole person before I became a parent and I could be whole again…and I am. It doesn't happen overnight and it isn't easy…but it's simple…I matter. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2012, 12:34:46 PM »
You have to take your meds, plain and simple.  I have 5 pills a night I take to be able to function.  I heard my SD mumble to a friend one night that she had sleeping over, when I went in the kitchen to take them..."time to take her nightly fix" and both of them laugh.  I knew then that there was no telling what she was telling people, but obviously not the truth.  Not even one of my pills is a narcotic drug, but I was furious.

I went in the living room, in front of her friend and said, "You are so right.  Tell you what.  I'll just stop taking my medication.  Really...being able to use my left arm is probably totally overrated anyway.  Who needs it. I'm sure you could function just fine with constant pain and one arm.  Maybe you could give me some advice?"  I just stood there staring at her.  She dropped her eyes down, her friend dropped her eyes down and I walked off.

I hate taking my pills.  I hate having a disease that makes me hurt all the time.  I hate the doctors, tests and constant restrictions on what I can and cannot do.  Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they don't get an opinion on what you have to do to function.  If they have walked in your shoes, then they wouldn't blink an eye, because they know.  Don't let anyone, family or not make you feel bad for taking care of yourself.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2012, 12:36:42 PM »
Oh and welcome.  :)  Please read our Forum Agreement to make sure it's a fit. We ask that of everyone. It is on the Home Page under Open Me First.

Got on my high horse and forgot about that part.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Ruth

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2012, 12:49:05 PM »
Lord love you Pooh.  I think you are now my hero. 

« Last Edit: April 11, 2012, 02:18:48 PM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2012, 02:20:25 PM »
Pooh - My take is that SD had have her "nightly fix" of cruelty. It's her drug-of-choice! Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

kttssteel5

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2012, 05:53:40 PM »
well I just want to thank all of you for the support, and not that I would wish it on anyone but at least I am not in this boat alone I can tell.  My divorce really had nothing to do with the DD attitude, other than the father that was absent her entire life is now great but she has nothing to do with he step dad that raised her and made sure she had everything.  At least my DS even though he has nothing to do with me has never talked to me the way she has.  I can usually just go about my time without thinking about it to much guess with it being a year since we spoke when I posted just hit me hard and knowing my GC's were only 2 hours away for a week.  On the bright side I do have step GC and they love me to death and love spending time with me especially my GD who is 5.  I sure don't  understand kids (adult children) my mom was far from perfect but I would never do her like most of everyone here kids do them.  Have a blessed day all, now that I figured out how to gt back to where I could post LOL.  God Bless

kttssteel5

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2012, 06:00:30 PM »
hi ktt and Welcome to our forum ,

You will find lots of women in a position similar to your own and there will be lots of advice
coming your way soon .
I would concentrate on your own health and heal .
Whatever you try and explain to your Dd , she has her own ideas on how things were , are .
I would detach and back off completely , and don't look at any FB page which could hurt you .
By not knowing what they are up to , you won't feel left out .
You have your own life to lead , try to look ahead not behind .
Keep posting , sending hugs .

You are so right about not looking at her FB page, I don't very often, usually just to see the GC, especially since I am blocked and have to use another persons account to even see it, but seems everytime I do look I end up being upset, it is so not worth it.  Thanks for putting that in perspective.   ;)

kttssteel5

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2012, 06:08:41 PM »
You have to take your meds, plain and simple.  I have 5 pills a night I take to be able to function.  I heard my SD mumble to a friend one night that she had sleeping over, when I went in the kitchen to take them..."time to take her nightly fix" and both of them laugh.  I knew then that there was no telling what she was telling people, but obviously not the truth.  Not even one of my pills is a narcotic drug, but I was furious.

I went in the living room, in front of her friend and said, "You are so right.  Tell you what.  I'll just stop taking my medication.  Really...being able to use my left arm is probably totally overrated anyway.  Who needs it. I'm sure you could function just fine with constant pain and one arm.  Maybe you could give me some advice?"  I just stood there staring at her.  She dropped her eyes down, her friend dropped her eyes down and I walked off.

I hate taking my pills.  I hate having a disease that makes me hurt all the time.  I hate the doctors, tests and constant restrictions on what I can and cannot do.  Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they don't get an opinion on what you have to do to function.  If they have walked in your shoes, then they wouldn't blink an eye, because they know.  Don't let anyone, family or not make you feel bad for taking care of yourself.

I can totally understand that I have actually thought of having another back surgery so I wouldn't have to take meds. only problem is there is a 95% chance I would never walk again, and thought of doing this just to please everyone else, how crazy is that you can bet they wouldn't be helping get around afterwards. 

Offline Pen

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #12 on: April 11, 2012, 10:41:24 PM »
K5, I'm sorry to hear you're in pain and dealing with attitudes from DD & DS. You found a good place for support, this site is full of women who are going through some similar stuff.

Insecure people have a hard time dealing with the health issues of their current or previous careproviders (aka - Mom), IMO. It freaks 'em out, so they react by distancing themselves or making cruel comments. It says more about them than it does about you, but unfortunately you're the one who feels the rejection.

Welcome, K5. Keep writing and reading!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

kttssteel5

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2012, 03:45:35 AM »
K5, I'm sorry to hear you're in pain and dealing with attitudes from DD & DS. You found a good place for support, this site is full of women who are going through some similar stuff.

Insecure people have a hard time dealing with the health issues of their current or previous careproviders (aka - Mom), IMO. It freaks 'em out, so they react by distancing themselves or making cruel comments. It says more about them than it does about you, but unfortunately you're the one who feels the rejection.

Welcome, K5. Keep writing and reading!

Dear Pen:

Wow thanks so much it never ever dawned on me to look at it from that point of view and how I would feel if I was in their shoes, how self centered have I been?  Well to some extent but it does make sense that their reaction/comments is more about how they feel.  Thanks for the iinsight, it doesn't make what they are doing alright but it does make it much easier for me to deal with their rejection and comments, even helps with comments I get from other family members that don't see the really bad days that chronic pain patients deal with.  Have a wonderful day!

Offline Pen

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Re: What did I do that both my children have nothing to do with me? Help
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2012, 08:40:40 AM »
You too, K5 :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb