Author Topic: Not shocked  (Read 2313 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Not shocked
« on: April 09, 2012, 01:17:05 PM »
Had a couple of things happen this weekend.  My YS called and sent me a picture of an engagement ring he was staring at in the jewelry store.  He was all, "What do you think of this one for her?"  It was gorgeous, so when he comes in next week, he will be asking her to marry him.  I'm very happy for both of them.  She is a doll, tons of fun and full of life.  I appreciate her honesty and candor, she texts me every few days to see what's going on and me and DH took her to dinner Friday night to get her out of the house (she's going stir crazy after this last brain surgery).  She likes to be around us, even without DS...Lol...that's a change.  They really are suited for each other and I am so glad they found each other.

So he gets the ring and says, "I need to talk to you about something else, but it's going to upset you."  Oh boy...  He proceeds to ask if I have spoken to OS.  No, not since they showed up on Thanksgiving, haven't heard from them since then.  He then tells me his Dad called him and said he was at a local retail store, when a young girl recognizes him and comes running up to him.  She starts asking how DIL is feeling, still sick...blah..blah...blah.  My Ex said he had no idea what she was babbling about and finally he said, "I'm sorry, has DIL been sick?"  She blurts out, "No, her pregnancy!"  So Ex finds out that DIL is 2 months along, due on OS's birthday.  He's floored and devastated to find out this way. 

So apparently OS/DIL are expecting.  I'm not shocked that OS didn't call to let me know.  I'm hurt, but not shocked.  He didn't call his Dad, and they have stayed in contact with him and SM, or so I thought.  According to my YS, Ex tells him that he doesn't know what their problem is, that nothing has happened but they haven't heard from them since Christmas either.  He told him that OS will not return his calls, will not come around...etc.  The pregnancy is not a secret, as DIL's Mother works at this retail store and had told everyone...imagine that.   My Ex wanted YS to tell me.  He told him, "Please don't let your Mother find out like I did, from a stranger..she deserves better than that."  So he didn't tell me, his Father, his brother, his GM (my Mom whom I haven't told because she will be so hurt that they didn't tell her)...apparently no one on our side.  Her FOO all know, according to Ex.  Her friends, co-workers and others around town knew.  He was hurt and confused.  Apparently there has been no issues between him and OS, nor DIL and he's scratching his head trying to figure out why they did this.  Remember, this is Ex that sucked up to both of them after our divorce and did whatever they wanted, so they came around him and SM all the time.

Welcome to my world there Ex....welcome to my world.

YS will be in next week, for one week before being deployed next month.  We have rented a cabin in the mountains for me, DH, YS and FDIL (by then  ;D) for 3 days to have some fun. 


 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8839
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2012, 01:36:24 PM »
I'm so sorry, Pooh. It may not be a surprise but it's still awful. And have a great time with "the kids" up in the mountains! :-))
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2012, 01:49:22 PM »
Thank you.  I guess this makes me sound bad, but I felt much better knowing it wasn't just me.  Kind of solidifies my thoughts of it's about them, not me, knowing they are doing everyone this way this time.  I hate it, but it is what it is.

I plan on thoroughly enjoying myself, with people that want to be around us.  No SD either....muah ha ha....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1483
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2012, 02:43:22 PM »
dear Pooh ....
I bet it still hurts though even though you're not shocked .
Don't let it rain on young Ds parade , so nice he sent you a photo before he bought the ring .
Have a great time away , you deserve a break after the last few months .......
Watch out for the bears .....  I don't even know if there are any , but it sounds good !   ;D

Offline Doe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1278
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2012, 10:18:33 AM »
What a &*$#%@&#()(**   !!!

It's his loss, that's all I can say about that.  Happy for YS and that he's sharing his happiness with you, though!

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2012, 10:45:28 AM »
Oh LL and Doe....you made me laugh...thank you.

Yes, it is hurtful..I'm not going to lie.  Expecially after knowing that they know what we went through for and with YS to get to see his daughter.  They knew how important and thrilled we were to getting to see her.  They were dying to see her too and we invited them over when we finally got her and they played with her.  Throughout the whole court ordeal, both of them remarked often how terrible it was for her Mother to be keeping YS and all the family from her when no one had done anything to her.  Guess they have forgotten all that now.  So it is hurtful period but it's a bigger slap to me because of all that.  Just one of those things that you know is coming, but when it happens it's still hard to believe.

I will say that even though I have left the door open in the past if they ever wanted to walk through it, this may be the cause of me nailing it shut.

YS is very sweet to ask my opinion about the ring, although totally uneccessary.  I told him it was gorgeous and I thought he was making a wise choice.  He talked to me about what he wanted to do and how he was going to do it, about when he wanted to marry her, etc.  We talked for over an hour about all kinds of things.

I can't remember if I ever told you guys about FDIL asking to speak with me privately not long ago.  I apologize if I already did.  We went outside and she told me that YS had told her all about how OS/DIL had treated me the last couple of years.  YS had told her that he knew how hurt I was over it and one of the things he wanted was to always maintain a relationship with me.  Told her it was important to him that the person he chose would want a relationship with his Mother and would make an effort because family was important to him.  She told me all that then said, "I just want you to know that I would never treat you that way.  YS respects and admires you very much and I know how much you went through with him.  If he and I work out, which I really think we will, I just wanted you to know that I enjoy being around you and DH very much.  Not because YS said that, but that I really like you guys.  But even if I didn't, I can't ever imagine not coming around.  I love my family and I know YS loves his.  I just wanted you to know that."

Now, I know things can change....several of us know that.  I really think she was sincere as her personality just shines through and I had alot of respect for her to have that conversation.  Since then, YS has been 600 miles away and she will call on a Friday and say, "What are you guys doing tomorrow?  Wanna catch a movie?"  I am looking forward to spending a few days away with them.  She was texting me last night all excited because I sent her the pics of the cabin we rented.  We went back and forth a few times because she wanted to chip in on the cost...Lol.  I told her it was our treat....she was all....let me help at least some....She's a good person. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2012, 10:46:58 AM »
P.S.  LL,

There are bears in the area.  It's the same area where DH and I went on our honeymoon and I told you guys the story of the coyotes showing up right after we got in the hot tub.  Yeah, we got a cabin with the hot tup on the 2nd floor this time!!! 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4398
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2012, 10:14:40 PM »
Pooh, I don't know how I missed your post but I'm up to speed now, lol. Your FDIL sounds lovely, I'm so happy for you. How gratifying to hear that YDS stepped up right away & told FDIL his feelings. ODS is missing out on a wonderful FOO, his loss. Have a wonderful, bear-free time in the mtns!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline constantmargaret

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 178
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2012, 08:17:01 AM »

I can't remember if I ever told you guys about FDIL asking to speak with me privately not long ago.  I apologize if I already did.  We went outside and she told me that YS had told her all about how OS/DIL had treated me the last couple of years.  YS had told her that he knew how hurt I was over it and one of the things he wanted was to always maintain a relationship with me.  Told her it was important to him that the person he chose would want a relationship with his Mother and would make an effort because family was important to him.  She told me all that then said, "I just want you to know that I would never treat you that way.  YS respects and admires you very much and I know how much you went through with him.  If he and I work out, which I really think we will, I just wanted you to know that I enjoy being around you and DH very much.  Not because YS said that, but that I really like you guys.  But even if I didn't, I can't ever imagine not coming around.  I love my family and I know YS loves his.  I just wanted you to know that."
 

This brought tears to my eyes. She gets it.

Offline elsieshaye

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 629
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2012, 08:26:46 AM »
How wonderful about YS and FDIL!! 

I'm so sorry about OS/DIL, Pooh.  The one thing I was thinking, especially in contrast to YS and FDIL, is that since it is now crystal clear that you did not cause this situation with OS/DIL, you are now officially off the hook for trying to figure out how to fix it. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1483
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2012, 11:23:04 AM »
Pooh :

Loving your story of YS  and FDW ......
Do you think all our relationships with our DIL's would get off to a better start if they took their cue from our DS's
and their relationships with their FOO's knowing that their future husband valued his family , it would also
mean she would too , or try to ?
We have discussed this many times on this Forum , of how our DS sat on the fence and didn't fight
in anyone's corner .If he stated his relationship with his family as your YDS has done , wouldn't this be
a better start for the future happiness of all sides ?

We have to make clones of your YDS Pooh , oh yes your Mom too , and not forgetting your DH .....what a great
family you have ..... ;D

Offline NewMama

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 155
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2012, 03:41:12 PM »
I think you hit the nail on the head in a lot of situations, LL. It's wonderful your son made that clear to his future wife Pooh. It doesn't get the not-so-pleasant DILs off the hook, but I think a lot of issues arise when DSs just sit back and say or do nothing. I've had my issues with my ILs lately, but I can't imagine ever cutting of contact or putting my DH/DS in the middle. He's good to his mother, and I think that's also what makes him a good DH! MIL has been rude and critical lately, but I still put a smile on my face and encourage visits, fingers crossed she gets over whatever is bugging her. If we hadn't ever gotten along, I know for certain DH wouldn't have married me! Sounds like you'll get a fantastic DIL!

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Not shocked
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2012, 07:29:42 AM »
Thanks guys and yes, I do think if more DS's were upfront with their expectations it would help bunches.  My YS is his Mother's son when it comes to speaking his mind, but so is FDIL which is why I like her so much and why I think they have such a good relationship.  But here's the flip side, because there are many DILS that have a terrible MIL...I know...if I was mean or horrible to my FDIL, YS would also go to bat for her.  He would be telling me to knock it off.  He would be pulling me to the side and telling me that I wasn't going to do that to her or they wouldn't be coming around.  I think that's the trick.  DS has to take a stand for both, which ever way it goes.

NewMama, I was the same way with my former MIL.  Didn't like her, she didn't like me, but we were still civil and went around for important holidays and family things.  Didn't make everything, but kept her in Ex's life and my kids life.  I love my MIL I have now.  She's wonderful but DH has a Sister that I don't care for at all.  I still go to all the family things, even knowing she will be there because DH's family is very important to him and he loves his Mother.  There is always going to be people that you don't like, but in the big picture, I know it's the right thing to do for my marriage.  A DH needs to recognize a wife's efforts or a lack of effort, just as he needs to step up and tell his Mother things if she is misbehaving.  That's just my opinion.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell