Author Topic: Won't this awful jealousy go away??  (Read 15246 times)

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Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #30 on: April 22, 2012, 06:55:31 AM »
Thanks, FS. I'm sorry you had to go through this pain, too. Have a nice visit w/ your DS!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #31 on: April 22, 2012, 07:39:59 AM »
My take is that it's his best. He picked her for whatever reason and to make it work he is doing what he feels he needs to do. When that happens the present can outweigh the past. His childhood home, memories, lessons, loyalty and security from that time in his life are still there as part of him and he brings to the present as much of his younger self as he can. In addition, his present is different, makes new demands, offers new opportunities and is probably full of difficult choices that go with all of that. He may have consciously or unconsciously opted to let you and your needs go in the process, knowing that, at least, is "safe."

We can't figure out what's going on inside a relationship and those in it…from the outside. It's still DS's best and he just has to trust you to understand that and let him go. Your were "then" and this is "now." He may not have a clue how to put the whole thing together. What you are experiencing my reflect the fact that he has decided to walk away from the conflict and focus on the "until death" commitment he has selected. The lessons entailed are his and yours is probably to get that. Materialism, snobbery, superficiality, shortsightedness all rear their ugly heads as most of us mature. We do the best we can with them within the circumstances we find ourselves. This is his best. How can you back him, painful as that may be?
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Ruth

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #32 on: April 22, 2012, 08:29:14 AM »
I encourage you, Pen, to keep thinking about that 'back of the tapestry'.  For now you just have to play the waiting game.  I once heard J Dobson describe adolescence as a time when the space shuttle is launched, and there is that 'dead space' while command center has to wait for communication, but eventually the ship does emerge and reestablish communication.  That period is extended far far past adolescence for many parents in our society today.  There is so much fluff out there to distract individuals and keep them too busy and too occupied to get in touch with the really important things in life, until maybe later on.  When the down times come for you, remind yourself of your blessings, first of all your child is alive.  many mothers visit gravesites.  In my community two weeks ago a family lost their 25 yr old son to drug o/d, and eleven months prior to that their 32 yr old son was killed in a car accident.  I just couldn't even swallow this, it was so unthinkable.  Therefore when I am down, I remind myself that my DS is alive, and count down the things I have to be grateful for.  the rest of the cares you have to roll over, and allow your demeanor, your integrity, your simplicity, your generosity, to communicate and remind your DS who you are, and what a unique and irreplaceable role you have played in his life.  He will only have one mother, only one in this lifetime.  As he grows older, he will have flashbacks of the moments of tenderness you attended to him, little happy times that will grow more endearing as he ages, and especially as he begins to see them reflected back into the eyes of his own children.  If you have launched forth a son into the world, who is strong enough and capable enough to move on without you, you have been a very successful DM.  It is time to love yourself and thrive now in that role, and never allow a moment of the sensations of loss to cloud over your days.  Counterfeit pleasures aren't part of who you are, you have chosen to value the things in life that really matter.  This is your day, and your victory, my friend.  You can now learn the joys of loving the adult child you have raised, and let time move him back to seeing you now as the woman he may most admire in the world.  Celebrate this time and enjoy your occasion!

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #33 on: April 22, 2012, 10:14:47 AM »
Ruth, I hope my DS will have those nice flashbacks when he's raising DC of his own. Right now DIL & her FOO are capitalizing on the situation and eroding every good thing we did for our kids, who we are, our values, our interests, our hard work & sacrifices, our love for our AC, etc. etc. DS/DIL's visit felt like a gauntlet. Everything I said was laughed at, ridiculed or ignored. By the time they left (without hugs or happy bday wishes) I had become mute & was completely wrung out. Today I'm trying to regroup, pick up the pieces of my self-esteem & move on.

What's funny is that DS set me up to expect something different. When will I learn??? I feel like the world's biggest, oldest, whiney crybaby.

I'm so very grateful for this site  :-* Thank you all.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Ruth

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #34 on: April 22, 2012, 10:53:05 AM »
I am sorry.  I am grieving with you.  These are profound wounds, and I've experienced them also.  When you feel up to it, please write a detailed description of what was done and said during the evening, and let us help you sort it out. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #35 on: April 22, 2012, 11:21:07 AM »
It's all still there, Pen. They can't erode away memories and training. DS may have set them aside but/and they're there. You aren't whiny, you're facing being left behind through no fault of your own and having to go an without DS. The injustice and the pain don't change that eventual outcome. We are all here for you and we have all faced unimaginable loss, that's what brought us together. We all deal with it in our own way…and…we all need support and understanding. The pain will lessen when you let go. It will continue and increase as long as you focus on your unfulfilled expectations. No one can set you up unless you let them. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Ruth

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #36 on: April 22, 2012, 12:10:28 PM »
It's all still there, Pen. They can't erode away memories and training. DS may have set them aside but/and they're there. You aren't whiny, you're facing being left behind through no fault of your own and having to go an without DS. The injustice and the pain don't change that eventual outcome. We are all here for you and we have all faced unimaginable loss, that's what brought us together. We all deal with it in our own way…and…we all need support and understanding. The pain will lessen when you let go. It will continue and increase as long as you focus on your unfulfilled expectations. No one can set you up unless you let them. Sending love...

Thank you Luise.  I also needed to hear this today.  I remind myself your saying, what we focus on grows.  I learn so much from you.  Thank you for your kindness and wisdom.

Pen, if you already had it, you would not have been having to wait for it, there would have been no problem and you wouldn't be here.  This is why we are all here, we are all trying to survive and learn to live with issues in our lives that are so painful we could not stand it, so we support each other.

I have had to live the past 30 years with receiving virtually nothing from my DS, Pen.  There's not a single time I can ever remember that he ran to me and put his arms around me, when a child, and said I love you Mama.  Not once did he ever reach out to me, and show me tenderness or show me that he loved or appreciated me.  So many times, the only thing he would ever say to me was, 'you never did anything for me'.  And I had done so much.  I had poured myself out to try and give him life and happiness.  I tried to fix everything, but nothing I did made any difference.  He didn't care.  When he was leaving for boot camp, he didn't even come to tell me goodbye, I drove a long distance at the 11th hour so I could tell him I loved him, and tell him goodbye.  He was gone ten years, and I only saw him four times during those ten years, and he never gave me one really kind or loving word.  I just kept waiting.  I kept praying for him.  He left me in tears, over and over again, never flinching or showing any sign that he cared whether I lived or died.  I never ever got a b/d card, a Christmas card, M/D card, not a phone call when he knew I was in hospital, nothing.  I had to run on fumes, because there was no place to take my love and my heartbreak.  I've come a long way.

This past Easter, I got to spend one really good hour with my DS.  He sat beside me at the dinner table, and made some little funny remarks, and for the first time in over 30 years, I did not feel hostility.  To other mothers, this would have seemed such a small thing, but it was the world to me.  It was enough to help me go on.  For the first time in his life, I believe he knows I love him, and in his own way, I believe he cares for me, and respects me.

I hope you will comfort yourself in knowing that some times, for some of us, its a long haul, and we have to be strong or we won't make it.  I don't worry about the time any more, I used to feel that the days and years were slipping away, I worried about it all the time.  Not any more.  I leave these details to God, and I live in the moment.  I am confident that God will make it all right at some point. 

We love you and are here with you.

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #37 on: April 22, 2012, 12:22:45 PM »
Happy Birthday Pen. (Hug)

After a visit like that, do you ever wonder if you were better off not seeing them? I do.
 
I'm sorry I'm not able to offer consolation or wisdom. I can only say I understand. I know why you're hurt. You're not a big old whiny crybaby. You're a woman with a sensitive heart whose DS is clueless. He has no idea.

But I know how it feels to know in advance that a visit or event is going to be painful, awkward, uncomfortable and frustrating, but wanting contact so much that you're willing to endure it. You're willing not only to put yourself through that, but to suffer the mental hangover the next day, feeling beat up and broken, wishing you could just sleep it off and wake up feeling better.

It's too bad that in leaving ourselves open to being pleasantly surprised, we also leave our white underbelly exposed. The alternative is to be cautiously guarded. Also not a pleasant way to deal with family.

I get it. And I'm sorry.

 






Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #38 on: April 22, 2012, 01:23:31 PM »
dear Pen .....

Let that be the last !
No more , don't invite them again .why build yourself up , just to crash and burn .
You deserve better , how dare they .
C'mon Pen , time to fight back and leave them behind , no one should be treated that way , what are
you a circus clown ?
Sending you some iron pills to build up your strength for when you kick them into touch !
Please celebrate your birthday another day , when you are stronger and happier ......sending hugs my friend .

Offline forever spring

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #39 on: April 22, 2012, 10:09:11 PM »
Pen, again so sorry to hear about your pain. I think, I know how you feel. You have all reason to be hurt by such treatment. They inflicted an injury. The open wound will take time to heal, but heal it will!

Luise your words are a great consolation because you speak them from you heart and they reach our hearts. They are like a balm. It must take some emotional energy for you to write down your thoughts and share them. Thank you for your commitment to your forum.

Ruth, thank you for your willingness to write details about your son and how he's treated you for such a long time and how the little flicker of hope has made a lot the difference for your outlook of the future. At least there is something to built upon. Your trust in God will be a solace to you and give you strength.
LL I agree with your comment. Sometimes it's good to be angry to be able to work through our pain.

You know this anyway, Pen, but all that has happened to you is not your fault. You and your DH have done well and provided your son with the tools for life. You have no more say in how he uses these tools. That applies to all of us. As Luise said, we don't know why they chose wives so different in every aspect of life from us. When this happens we can only win by trying to preserve our integrity and personality. Re-focus if only for a short time each day in the hope that these moments will get longer and longer and longer - until the pain subsides and you can move on properly. I am thinking of you ...

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #40 on: April 23, 2012, 10:36:51 AM »
I will not sit in my own home and be laughed at, critcized or ignored - especially on a day that was supposed to be a celebration. I will no longer sit passively while DS/DIL say mean things about me or my friends and relatives. If, and that's a big if, we make plans to visit in the future, I will set my boundaries beforehand. A cut off will only hurt my DH, DD & I, but it may come to that.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #41 on: April 23, 2012, 11:07:21 AM »
Amen ............Love you Pen .......x

Offline Rose799

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #42 on: April 23, 2012, 08:35:44 PM »
GFU, Pen.  I came to that realization last Christmas, after dd lead me to believe she wanted to spend time with us.  They were a no-show till around 5.  We normally eat around 1 so they can rush on over to sil's FOO.  We had riding toys for the gc, but it was too dark for them to play outside.  They're still in the attic, waiting on the day they return.  I hadn't seen the gc in 2 mos. until recently when I helped to throw dd's baby shower.  Now I've been kicked back to the curb.  I'm having a tough time, trying to prepare myself for what's to come when the baby arrives in a couple of weeks.  It gets harder when gc enter the scene.  I'm glad to hear you've found your footing... 

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #43 on: April 24, 2012, 12:06:23 AM »
I feel for you, Rose. So sorry you're having a rough time. What could be a time of joyous anticipation becomes something different in these circumstances. You are a good mom & GM through it all. As brave as I sound now with my newfound backbone, I know it'll be a whole other thing when/if GC come along.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #44 on: April 24, 2012, 06:36:17 AM »
FS - Thanks you for your thank you.  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher