Author Topic: Won't this awful jealousy go away??  (Read 15264 times)

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Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #15 on: March 22, 2012, 09:04:50 AM »
Thanks, Pooh. To help DIL feel more comfortable around us, I want to show DIL/DS I'm interested in her FOO. If I ask about the ILs, it's my responsibility to put whatever they tell me into perspective & let it go. It is about them, not me. My new mantra, lol.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2012, 09:45:39 AM »
I get it too Pen.  Hang in there and my take?  Since they can't talk about their ethics, morals, charity work, etc....all they have to discuss is what they are buying, traveling, wealth persay.  It's so not about you, it's about them.  That's all they are doing so that's all they can say about them.

Very, very true.  And that's what so said, they have nothing else of interest to say except all about material things.  How boring.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #17 on: March 24, 2012, 07:52:28 PM »
No, it isn't going away after all.

I'm having a rough go. DS's ILs take up all of his/DIL's time. I'm feeling very hurt right now. It will be weeks before we can see DS/DIL and although they see each other daily, they are spending the entire weekend w/the ILs. Again. During the next few weeks there is a big event for one member of our family, but as usual it will rate a flyby after the fact, if anything, while DIL's FOO's life events get feted in grand style, constantly.

Oh, it sounds so petty & unimportant when I read what I've written! But it hurts deeply & I'm very, very jealous. Not a quality I'm proud of, but there it is.

And I miss my kid. A lot.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #18 on: March 24, 2012, 08:06:39 PM »
I think sometimes we try to be how we're not. You're being how you are at the moment and it is both authentic and miserable. Someone has messed with your life. To not be how you are would probably have to stem from not caring…not your thing. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline pam1

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #19 on: March 25, 2012, 01:57:06 PM »
Pen, I know you rarely say anything to your DS but I think you can probably safely say to him that this event is important to you and see where it goes from there.  From what you've written about him I think he would listen to you.  It's not petty at all.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #20 on: March 25, 2012, 02:50:01 PM »
Thanks Pam, I appreciate that. We'll have to wait & see.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2012, 08:06:25 AM »
Pen, jealousy is totally normal.  If anyone here says they have not felt it at one time or another in their life about something, well....I would have a hard time believing it.  Then top it off that this is someone you care deeply about and love, your own flesh and blood who you poured your heart and soul into...well geesh, of course it's normal to be jealous when the relationship is so one-sided.

We all have a days.  It's how we choose to handle it that is what's important.  You can't get stuck in it.  You feel it, you allow yourself a few minutes and then you count your blessings and use your mantra!  I've been chanting it for a couple of weeks, will do well and then bam, get all mad again.  We're human.  Big hugs Pen.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #22 on: March 27, 2012, 07:00:49 PM »
Thanks, Pooh :) Big hugs back!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline forever spring

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2012, 10:53:14 AM »
Big hugs Pen for being so honest to yourself and in this space.
Those feelings that come to visit us are so strong and when they are upon us we just have to knuckle down and succumb to them - as long as it takes -.
You feel that you've lost your DS to all this 'false glitter'. I know that feeling also - and it makes you feel  so deserted.
But everything is not lost, life has a tendency to change and often for the better.
I do hope that the green eyed monster will subside and stay away for longer and longer until it's gone completely. Good luck  ;)

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #24 on: April 21, 2012, 07:44:45 AM »
Please think of me today & send me strength to overcome my jealousy and feelings of rejection.

DS & DIL have accepted our invitation to dinner. We haven't seen them for months, so I went for it. It's hard to keep from predicting the future...I don't know for sure that I'll be compared to DIL's FOO, but I suspect it will be so since they will probably stop there on the way here. I don't know for sure that they will have forgotten my recent special life event, but since we've never been celebrated the way DIL's Ps have been celebrated, I'm not looking forward to anything. All of this is speculation based on the past, of course. I'm open to being pleasantly surprised, but I'm also realistic.

I'm really tired of saying "That's OK" when it isn't. At my age, it's ridiculous to still have hopes & dreams about these things. Time to let it go! I just don't know how.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline forever spring

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2012, 07:57:48 AM »
Never let go of your hope and dreams. (remember' incy wincy spider' in the nursery rhyme! He knew best to keep on climbing up the water spout again and again!)
I'm thinking of you and hope that all will be well and you will have a good time together!  :)

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #26 on: April 21, 2012, 08:11:46 AM »
Dear Pen ,   don't you think its typical of men never to remember special occasions ? I'm sure he loves you dearly , just be as.charming as ever , and laugh a lot ......you'll be ok .....x

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #27 on: April 21, 2012, 08:15:40 AM »
P - I think it may different for each of us because we are all so different from each other. We are the source of our expectations; that's where our power lies if we choose to initiate it. My concept of the origin of an expectation is: First we make it up…then we believe it and then we are at the effect of it. If we get attached to logic and justice that can further complicate things because for many of us, what we expect is totally within reason and if we believe in life being fair, we're doomed. We can get stuck there and usually self-pity isn't far behind. It's like looking at Niagara Falls and expecting it to flow upward. It ain't a'gonna happen and the more attached we become to that outcome the deeper the problem. Some of our kids for whatever reason choose a different direction. We can try to go with the flow, paste on smiles, keep our moths shut and pretend but/and it's still backward and will never work for most of us. How long we want to play the game (their game) is up to us. Mostly, they simply don't care and are probably relieved when we quit. If we hold on, grasp at straws and believe something is better than nothing it may work for a few of us. We can set aside self respect for the status quo and go for whatever crumbs are tossed our way. Each of us has to choose…and re-choose and re-choose if we hold on to our expectations. We made it up, with history and society behind us 100%…and we're the only ones that can give it up.  Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #28 on: April 21, 2012, 11:23:17 PM »
You know, I'm not sure my DS loves me dearly. This wasn't a good day for me. I feel the absorption into DIL's FOO is complete. We're just some odd folk he needs to check in with every now & then. I'm so sad.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline forever spring

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2012, 01:29:58 AM »
Dearest Pen, I'm so sorry to hear this. That really hurts because you have all the memories of your DS as a child when his love was unconditional and the closeness complete. I was in the same situation last year when I thought I had lost my DS. He left the family meanwhile and blames some of the break-up on his then DW's FOO constant involvement. I'm not saying that mine is a good situation to be in and I wish I didn't have to face this. It just goes to show how things can change. I would never have thought to see DS on his own ever and now he is coming for a visit tomorrow.
Your DS may come back to you later. Maybe in DS's time of life with all the challenges life throws at him, he may not have the headspace to think of his own FOO. Your DS may be so secure of your unconditional love that he feels he can just let his DW's FOO take it all. It may not be forever. This is written IMHO only.
Sorry to hear about your pain. It goes deep.