Author Topic: Won't this awful jealousy go away??  (Read 15220 times)

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Offline Pen

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Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« on: March 18, 2012, 10:47:33 PM »
I'm so sick and tired of hearing about DIL's FOO's vast wealth and extravagant spending habits I could scream. That's all.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2012, 02:25:21 AM »
Thing is Pen , what's behind all the glitz ? I always find these showy people are not the ones who show up when the stakes are down and you really need  them .  Housewives of Orange County spring to mind , how fake are they ? I would rather be surrounded by grounded people who I can rely on , your DS knows this . Just laugh at these fake people , they don't realise how silly they sound ...or probably look . Lol

Offline Scoop

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2012, 06:23:46 AM »
But Pen - would you trade everything you are and everything you have to be DIL's Mom, to have everything she has and to be her?  I have to say that I've never met anyone in my life that I would trade places with.  That even if their "good" seems better than my "good", my "bad" is never as "bad" as theirs.

If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.  Imagine having all of these things and STILL not being happy.  Imagine having all of this time with her DD and SIL and still wanting MORE.  The greed and the compulsion must eat her alive.  You wouldn't want to live like that.  It sounds like a miserable, insatiable existence.


Offline pam1

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2012, 08:49:35 AM »
Ugh, I can't stand when people talk like that, I would be irritated too.  And that's just it, maybe you're irritated rather than jealous?  From what I know of you Pen is that you don't value that stuff anyway, so IMO there's nothing for you to be jealous of.  I just think you're really, really irritated with hearing it.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pooh

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2012, 01:11:22 PM »
Who's talking about it to you Pen?  DS or DIL?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Barbie

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2012, 01:22:23 PM »
Dear Pen,

Are you sure you are jealous of their wealth? After all, you know that they lack morals and integrity, why would you be jealous of anything they have obtained under those circumstances? That doesn’t sound like you Pen.  I think you might be jealous of the relationship that your DS has with them and how he makes them feel important which he doesn’t do with you. From my own experience, the fact that I feel as if my DS has traded his own family for DIL’s FOO bothers me more than I can say, I would never trade places with them though. Recently DS has given me some validation which is all I needed to hear in order to feel better.

Offline Ruth

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2012, 01:55:31 PM »
If someone can come up with a way to make FEELINGS go away, I will sign up.  In my own experience, nothing much works here.  We feel the way we feel, but the real test is how we act on it.  If you will learn to be patient, time will take care of it Pen, because sooner or later people get down to the real business of life and for a lot of people, it may take a long time.  If you continue to be kind in the face of obnoxious, boring,  and insensitive communication, this is success.  I was able to learn to tolerate intolerable emotions by coming here to this website, and meeting so many other women who are also dealing with near identical situations.  However, the sidelines in my life are trickier.  There's isn't always someone to link up with who shares the struggle.  Lots of days I just grit my teeth, and try and get through it.

Offline Beth 2011

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2012, 03:13:31 PM »
Hi Pen,

I don't know the whole story but I would guess that they have always behaved in this manner?  Usually, wealthy people do not draw much attention to themselves and you never would know that they are wealthy.  If they have to brag about it and tell everyone everything that doesn't say much about her family.  It sounds like you are pretty grounded Pen, just keep doing what you are doing.  Keep smiling  :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2012, 07:45:10 PM »
Is it really jealousy? I doubt that because you just don't come across as wanting that. My guess is that you are bored to tears with it and the importance given to it when you know better…(and can't say anything.) Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2012, 09:07:51 PM »
Wow, thanks for all the replies!

LL, I agree. My friends & (some) family are real, true kindred spirits. We like to get out in nature, spend time in our studios painting, travel to non-touristy places, read stimulating books, etc. etc. I'd be bored to tears in DS's IL's shoes.

Scoop, how true. I do not want to be her. You are spot on, the word 'insatiable' fits perfectly. About changing anything, did you mean mention to DS/DIL that I no longer want to here this stuff? Not sure how to do that w/o sounding like I'm not interested in DIL or her FOO which would cause a lot of drama.

Pam, I'm irritated but also jealous. They have the resources to do so much good in the world and instead just buy more stuff or take another luxurious trip. Meanwhile, we cobble together bits and pieces so DDD's day program can have the supplies they need. I would love to experience having enough wealth so I didn't have to white-knuckle it if I heard the car make a funny noise or if DDD got sick & I had to take a day off work.

Pooh, DS & DIL both insert the info into casual conversations - "When they were in the Caribbean again last month..." or "MIL loves her new (insert name of expensive thingamabob) here." Neither of them openly brags about the IL's money but it's hard not to have it enter any discussion of them since there isn't much else to say. ILs don't have hobbies, charity work or any other interesting stuff going on.

Barbie, you're right, I am jealous of the relationship DS has with them. Wealth will always be a major attraction. I have also gotten validation from DS about how much he loves & honors us, which I treasure, but sometimes the whole thing gets to me.

Ruth, I understand. Just when I think I've got it covered something zaps me back into those feelings again. I agree, sometimes we just have to get through it.

Beth, the wealth is fairly recent. I haven't known these people very long & do not know them well since they have pretty much shunned us since the wedding so I don't know if they openly brag to outsiders about their situation, but I doubt it. And I too have known/been related to a few very wealthy people who would be shocked and amused by the IL's nouveau riche conspicuous consumption.

Luise, I'm sorry to say some of it probably is jealousy. There are a lot of ironic twists to the story that I can't get into here. But you're right, I don't want their life or (most of) their stuff! And, here's the real issue that came to me today in a blinding flash of insight, I don't want DS to want it either, lol!

Thanks again. I seem to have conquered the green-eyed monster for today; perhaps one day for good.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2012, 09:09:54 PM »
Ah, but they have your son. I get it!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline pam1

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2012, 10:55:06 AM »
Know what you mean, Pen.  Big Hugs.

(you can always go hop in my MILs 20 seater hot tub to get some luxury, heard she's still looking for people to soak with her!)  just kidding, just kidding!  I mean just kidding about the part about getting in with her.  She is still looking for soaking partners though.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2012, 11:07:05 AM »
Singing ''I don't care too much for money , money can't buy me love ''..... 8)

Offline Beth 2011

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2012, 02:02:16 PM »
Pen, you have raised DS to know right from wrong and what is and isn't important, what is fleeting in the blink of an eye and what lasts as long as we live.  I remind myself that my DS knows this too. 


Offline Pooh

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Re: Won't this awful jealousy go away??
« Reply #14 on: March 22, 2012, 08:30:09 AM »
I get it too Pen.  Hang in there and my take?  Since they can't talk about their ethics, morals, charity work, etc....all they have to discuss is what they are buying, traveling, wealth persay.  It's so not about you, it's about them.  That's all they are doing so that's all they can say about them. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell