Author Topic: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons  (Read 3129 times)

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Offline Ruth

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2012, 03:25:29 PM »
thank you so much for your comments, Constantmargaret.  This continues to hurt me, more than other 'worse' things have in the past.  Today I realized why I am so hurt about it, it goes much deeper than being disrespected, its because dd's way of handling this has caused me to lose face in my g/sons eyes.  I feel that it made me look bad.  This is confusing to adolescents.  I've valued being somebody they really could always look up to, and depend on to do the right thing as my grandmothers did me.  I'm sure my g/s's heard the tirade on the phone and the things dd accused me of, and just by virtue of the fact that they weren't told to go and apologize, and because their dm didn't (or wouldn't) even talk to me, my integrity is compromised in their eyes.  It isn't so much about me, as it is that I think my g/sons were the ones who were really hurt, and not by my little scolding.  I won't get over this for right away, and I don't know if things will ever be the same with dd. 

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2012, 05:41:35 PM »
You don't really know how your GSs interpret their mother's tirade. You said they're not little kids. Maybe they're used to her flying off the handle, maybe not at you, but for other things. If your relationship with them is good overall, and it sounds like it has been, that's what they'll ultimately remember, and when they're adults, you won't have to go through your daughter to have relationships with them.

I know it hurts in the meantime. And I know what you mean about things maybe never being the same between you and your daughter. I have daughters that I am very guarded around now because of unwarranted attacks on my character that came out of nowhere. There would have to be a very sincere apology for my heart to recover from that.

Take a deep breath. Spring is only 16 days away. :)


Offline Ruth

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #17 on: March 06, 2012, 05:23:11 AM »
This may have been the wake up call I needed.   I've been much too vulnerable as far as dd is concerned, and at this point I feel I need to establish a more 'guarded' relationship with her, thank you for the term dear Margaret.  I always believed that I should strive for friendship and closeness with dd, but it may not work best with her personality, and this may have just been sabotaging my own peace of mind, as well as hers, to try and have that kind of relationship.  This casualness makes it easier for her to fly off at me, and now I value my role in my g/c life more than my immature need to be friends with dd.  It's all a learning experience!  Yes, welcome springtime, I always know when its in the air when the chicks appear at the hardware store!!

Offline constantmargaret

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2012, 07:43:56 AM »
If you were to meet your daughter, minus her daughter status, just as an adult person, is she the kind of person you would be eager to have as a close friend?

If she were my friend, her treatment of you would not fly. I would have called her out on it.

I understand you trying to strive for closeness and friendship with your dd, but remember, we get to pick our friends, because we can't pick our family. ;)


Offline Ruth

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #19 on: March 06, 2012, 08:04:37 AM »
The older I get, the more I am amazed about how challenging relationships can be, maybe I was just not an analytical person in the past, I don't know, Margaret.  When your loved one is somebody who is fragile, and has a short fuse, or teeters on melting down into tears and despair at the least hint of criticism, you are living on eggshells always second guessing yourself and berating yourself - was I too harsh?  should I have phrased that another way?  and so on.  It can become a type of emotional blackmail.    This is the type of relationship I have with dd, she is friendly and outgoing, and generous in spirit, but will extract the pound of flesh for any perceived offense and isn't squeamish about it.    When I was her age, I was just as self preoccupied.  I guess the difference is that I had no family to help or support me through the hard times, as I have done consistently with dd.  It was only after life had beaten me up enough did I really grow a soul.

There are a lot of these in my family tree, unfortunately, and on the other hand, I have to monitor this in myself constantly.  This is one of the advantages of being married, in somebody is always there to keep you from getting too proud of yourself. 

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #20 on: March 06, 2012, 10:28:40 AM »
When you are hurting Ruth , it's hard to sense in anything .
As you grow stronger , you will see the right route to take with your DD .
In a normal frame of mind I take no nonsense from anybody , but when you are frail
in spirit , it's hard to take any kind of attack on your person .
Shame on her for treating you this way .

My DD is the opposite , when I was being attacked by my FDIL , she was like a Rottweiler
in my defence . So much so she isn't yet speaking to my now DIL , to which I now feel
was my fault .
That's families the world over I'm afraid .

Offline forever spring

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #21 on: March 06, 2012, 11:10:30 PM »
  It was only after life had beaten me up enough did I really grow a soul.

Sorry to hear about your pain, Ruth. I can understand that you didn't want to be shown up in front of your GSs and that this pain has hit your core. (((hugs)))) from Chelms as was - 'Forever Spring' is more positive and I need all the Positives in my life just now.

Your insight quoted above is relevant in my view, Ruth and I have come to the conclusion that we help our children far too much. I read somewhere that the currency for help given can only be gratitude from those who receive help. Maybe just maybe our children find it really difficult to be grateful for all the things we do for them and for that reason they turn disrespectful.
I also ask myself if our generation had less material means and we couldn't support our children the way we do (picking up children from school, taking them for special outings etc. costs money) because we didn't have the money to pay for it?  Would they be able to cope better on their own and as a result 'grow souls', as you say? I don't know. I used to be that person who helped unconditionally and as a result I have caused a lot of misery to myself and people close to me. I just didn't have a clue how counter productive this can be if the people you help resent being grateful it deep down inside.
Our own GPs were a lot poorer, nobody would even have expected material help from them and they were respected for what they could give.
I do hope for your sake that time will heal the rift with DD (on a diet now, how can she be herself?) but I'm also sure that your GSs are blissfully unaware of all of this and just take you and love you for what you are: A GREAT GRANDMA! Congratulations to that

Offline Ruth

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Re: Under attack by DD for Scolding G/Sons
« Reply #22 on: March 11, 2012, 05:26:03 PM »
thank you, there is so much to contemplate in your post, Forever Spring.    There was a considerably long time before this upset, since I had some kind of head on collision with one of my a/c, therefore it has sharpened my compassion and understanding for other DM posting on the site.  It's another opportunity for me to grow a notch or two.  I wish there could be some way other than this.  I am a peacemaker and long for peace and harmony in my life, but I may as well just come to terms with the fact that nothing will be smooth as far as my a/c are concerned.  There is still little/no contact with DD.  I just don't know how to proceed from here.  I am pretty sure from all indications that she wants me to act as if nothing had happened and just resume life as before.  I'm not good at the 'act as if' option.   But I am also not willing to confront or put myself out there at risk of another tirade.  Its a roadblock.   I need Positives right now also, Spring!