Author Topic: I don't know how to feel about this  (Read 1907 times)

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somom

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I don't know how to feel about this
« on: February 20, 2012, 11:17:48 AM »
My brother-in-law 2 days ago just went off on me in front of my husband's siblings and my husband's mother.  It was almost as though he lost it mentally for awhile.  We were discussing politics and the candidates.  I said I do not like this one or that one and I will probably vote for this one.  Well, his voice started to get louder and he presided to insult me several times.  He accused me of being un American and that he would not want to be me.  He called me a communist.  Mind you this man has lived in about 3 states and did not pay state taxes in any of them.  These are states that have state income taxes.  He uses an address in another state as his mailing address.  He has been on the public dole  since he has been 18 and he is now 58 drawing also on a 20 year government pension.  Finally, after all his ranting I stood up and said that I was getting sick to my stomach and was leaving.  I did tell him this is still America and I do have the right to vote for who I want to.  My husband was sitting beside me and offered no support.  He worships this older brother.  I was just sickened by the things he said and still am and also sickened by my husband offering no support and stopping this rude ranting.  I really do not think I want to ever be around him again.  But, it will be hard because he's my husband's brother.  I held my tongue but I could have blasted him.  I did not want to say anything too bad in front of his mother.  Any ideas as to how I should handle seeing him in the future.

Offline Doe

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2012, 11:54:55 AM »
Hi-

Maybe you shouldn't see him in the future for a while.  You don't have to take any public stands, you can just not go to those gatherings.
When you know how you feel about it, you'll probably know better how you want to handle it.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2012, 11:55:46 AM »
S - I handle something similar by not giving my views no matter how nicely I am asked (or challanged) and when the other person goes all political on me, I simply say that I'm not going there. Then I back it up…by doing just that. Sometimes, I change the subject and other times I actually leave…without being hostile…just "I gotta' go, now." I consider it verbal pollution.  :o
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline pam1

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2012, 01:28:10 PM »
somom, I like what Doe and Luise said.  I don't mind discussing with someone my political beliefs/views however when they act as your BIL described I will refuse to have any sort of hot topic discussion with them.

IMO, you don't have to decide to do anything right yet -- do what feels right to you.  If you would be bothered to be in his presence then decline the invitation etc. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

somom

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2012, 01:53:55 PM »
Thank you everyone for your advice.  I do consider what he did verbal pollution.  Trust me, I will never speak about anything other than the weather with that man.  The way he went at me I actually feel like he could be related to Hitler.  Right now I do not really ever want to be around him. My thoughts keep going back to his face and his words.  They were so very ugly.  I'm having a hard time getting him out of my mind.  It is difficult, but your comments have soothed a wound.  Thank you so very much.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2012, 04:35:34 PM »
This may not work for you but when something like that happens to me, I write how I feel and what my experience was…then I print it out, burn it and bury the ashes. I'm serious! My take is that what was going on with him had nothing at all to do with politics and everything to do with who he is. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2012, 06:26:21 PM »
Somom, I understand your feelings. This happened to me in my place of work in front of people who shouldn't have had to see it. I offered no political opinion, just told the angry person that I wasn't familiar with the issue s/he was discussing and couldn't agree or disagree. That was all it took to cause a full-on Rumpelstilskin fit. I was called insane & was accused of calling the other person a liar. It was frightening, humiliating, and shocking. When I reported my co-worker's behavior I was reprimanded and told to learn how to speak up for myself. Say whaa? I dread going to work each day as I'm not sure when this person will attack me again.

It's only going to get worse as the election approaches. At least in my case it's not a family member! I really feel for you. It's tough when your DH doesn't dare speak up in your defence. I know I don't respect my boss the way I used to.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2012, 07:27:25 AM »
I'm with Pam.  I know who I can discuss religion, politics, military, etc. with and everyone else is a no-no.  I also would decline invitations that included him unless you resolve something with your DH.

Did you talk to your DH about his behavior and how bad it made you feel for him to just sit there and offer no support?  And when I say support, my DH can disagree with my opinion and agree with someone else all day long, but if someone is being verbally abusive...he better step up and tell them they will not treat me that way or my conflict would now be with him. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2012, 07:48:27 AM »
Hi Somom,

The fact that you held your tongue perhaps made him more angry .
Good for you .
If it were me , I wouldn't go out of my way to speak with him again .
Now that phrase ''Whatever'' springs to mind !

however I would give DH a piece of my mind .... ;D

somom

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2012, 09:19:01 AM »
Dear Wise Women,  I did talk with my husband about his not standing up for me and not stopping the verbal assault.  I told my husband I would always and have always stood behind my family members no matter who is hurting them, and he should have done the same for me.  He told me he just froze.  I suppose because of it being his older brother and putting him on a pedestal.  My husband did apologize 2 days later.  Somehow that seemed a little too late.  Only after I told him what he should have done.  His apology seemed a little hollow.   I do believe, luise, you are totally right in thinking it had everything to do with who my brother-in-law really is.  I have always thought in the back of my mind what lies underneath him is someone I really do not like.  And that I always suspected it.  I think my husband just never could see it.  I felt I defended myself and stood up and left.  I guess that is one good thing that came out of it.  I am able to defend myself even if no one else does.  I wish I could give you all a hug.  You have no idea how good your words make me feel. Thank You

somom

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2012, 09:27:01 AM »
LLady  Oh, I do think my reactions and my keeping calm did anger him more.  His facial expressions, louder voice, and eyes starting to bug out definitely showed it was just irritating the heck out of him.  I am not going to go out of my way to speak to him ever.  He showed his true colors!

Offline Pen

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2012, 09:43:30 AM »
I wish I could avoid the angry political person at my workplace, but we share an office :(  This person has political & other opinionated stuff everywhere, on the monitor, on the desks, on the walls. I've never brought up any of this stuff, I ignore it the best I can, but when I'm verbally accosted it's impossible to get away (I'm not able to just walk out; must be at my post for the duration.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2012, 09:49:00 AM »
Do you not have a hostile work environment policy?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2012, 03:48:14 AM »
Dear Somon

My fil was a good man but liked to make me angry with comments or teasing me in things I did not like....my mother was a sugar pie nad loved me dearly.  When my fil made  a comment I did like, my husband would just smile as if we wer just joking.  I would answer back....and my husband would also just smile.  It was how he dealt with the issue. Probably he did not supported me but never did he questioned me or got angry at me for aswering back.  He let me be me lol.  So I felt I could defend myself.   At the end, before he passed away, I realized he really loved me when he held my hand for the last time.     I know your case is different because your bil was rude.     

In the case of your husband not standing u-p for you.....just try to think that men are different from us women.....they do not know how to deal with certain issues.  That is so true.
Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pen

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Re: I don't know how to feel about this
« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2012, 07:14:37 PM »
Pooh, I thought we had a hostile work environment policy when I reported this person's behavior. When it turned back around on me I realized I was on my own. What's ironic is that I was given a "needs improvement" on my evaluation for the first time ever and was told I needed to work on "self-advocacy." Then I was informed that the person I'd reported was going to be my mentor to help me learn how to speak up for myself. Yikes!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb