Author Topic: DIL here, would like input from the other POV  (Read 9249 times)

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Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #30 on: February 15, 2012, 04:46:20 PM »
Hahaha yes it is! DH just took them over to MIL's house 3 weeks ago to open their gifts so pardon me, it is still very fresh in my mind hahahaha.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #31 on: February 15, 2012, 04:49:16 PM »
T - I'll bet it is!  :o
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Doe

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #32 on: February 15, 2012, 04:56:37 PM »
Yeah, I would start thinking about Christmas maybe in November.   :)

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #33 on: February 15, 2012, 05:41:24 PM »
Trondogs, welcome. I'm kind of confused by your story, but it does sound as if your MIL has done some things w/your DC that are not safe or responsible. I agree that your DC's safety and happiness are the most important thing here.

Regarding Christmas, why would you still want to accept "all the gifts" for your children from a woman you are cutting off? Like I said, I'm confused.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #34 on: February 15, 2012, 06:03:17 PM »
Thanks Pen. We haven't let MIL take kids alone for almost a year and a half now due to the safety issue with her. We did a temp cutoff when her behavior turned to stalking and harassment. We moved 4000 miles away and now we're back to same hometown as MIL and DH and I let kids call her and get Xmas gifts from her. We're not in a cut off right now because DH does not agree with that. So for right now the kids have seen her once and talked to her once in the past 5-6 months.

I guess my dilemma lies with my DH at this point. He thinks kids should see her while he supervises around major holidays. I on the other hand do not think the kids should have any contact with MIL at all.

I would like to do what's best for the kids but I'm not so sure what that is and I'm seeking out help here too.

Offline Scoop

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #35 on: February 16, 2012, 05:37:45 AM »
Trondogs - why won't YOU go and supervise these visits?  I think this is important to the discussion.  I can see several reasons for not going, but all of those reasons (in my head) seem like they should come with the addendum of "and I don't want my kids exposed to that either".

Also, how much do you trust your DH to adequately supervise the boys?  My DH couldn't do it, to MY satisfaction.  And it would be EASY for me to prove to him too.  I would step back and every time DD asked him for something and he ignored her, I would point it out.  I would also explain girl-bullying to him and explain that he likely wouldn't even SEE it or recognize it.

Good luck - be strong!

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #36 on: February 16, 2012, 05:44:40 AM »
Scoop- I am very uncomfortable around her. I am sure I could suck it up and go. I'm not even sure if I'm allowed in her house anymore...

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2012, 05:55:26 AM »
TD, maybe that should be part of the negotiation:  "Sure, honey, we can have occasional supervised visits with your mother, but I have to be there too."  If she won't have you in her house, no visit.  If protecting your children is the goal, then I do feel it's important you be there as well and don't leave it all up to your DH, who has issues of his own with his mother and can't really be there 100% for your kids in this situation.  Particularly since he disagrees about the kind of protection they need from her.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #38 on: February 16, 2012, 06:53:33 AM »
And for goodness sake stop accepting gifts from her. It sends mixed messages to your children and to your MIL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Doe

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #39 on: February 16, 2012, 07:23:19 AM »
Since none of us exist in DH's head to know what exactly his issues are, I suggest taking a simpler approach to this: 

Trondog loves DH and DH loves his Mom.
DH cares about keeping both of his families intact.
MIL is difficult and untrustworthy.

Trondog, I think you can support your DH by not cutting your MIL off entirely but it will be a hassle to make it work.  I do think the extra effort of heavily supervised visits will pay off  and when she'd dead, you won't second guess yourself.

Talk about difficult,   we got a call one day that my MIL was acting strange so DH went to her home.  He called me and said she had mild dementia and he didn't want to put her in a nursing home,  he wanted to bring her home.  I said OK and for the next 5 years, I had what you'd call a difficult MIL situation in my home as I was raising toddlers.  But DH couldn't put her in a nursing home, I couldn't deny this last gift from my DH to MIL.   Just telling you this because families have all sorts of difficult relatives but there are ways to keep the family in tact if that's important to someone.

Offline pam1

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #40 on: February 16, 2012, 07:40:03 AM »
And for goodness sake stop accepting gifts from her. It sends mixed messages to your children and to your MIL.

I agree.

I also think that if you find her uncomfortable to be around so much so that you actually won't be around her -- then why should your own children be exposed to that? 

If anything, I think maybe coming up with a list of boundaries with DH might help ease your mind.  Maybe something like if she wants to see the kids for holidays the rules are 1) she has to invite 2 weeks in advance 2) public place 3) no more than 2 hours 4) both parents must be included in the invitation.

Other than the public place and 2 hours, both 1 and 4 are reasonable things that most people do.  2 and 3 are to protect you and the children and in this case are reasonable.

If she cannot or will not abide by the boundaries then it's not you making it difficult for her to see the kids, she is making it difficult for herself.  At this point IMO there needs to be some shift away from "Trondog stands in the way of seeing the kids" and the boundaries will make it clearer for all involved.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Doe

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #41 on: February 16, 2012, 07:46:34 AM »
Good ideas, Pam.  My only tweak would be to not announce the boundaries to MIL because that would be just another thing for her to fight.

Decide on the boundaries with DH and each time newly, when a get together is planned, hold fast to them.  If MIL doesn't want to meet in a public place, then it's "sorry, maybe we can make it another time...". 

jmo

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #42 on: February 16, 2012, 09:05:55 AM »
My take: I keep coming back to protecting the kids from such intense pathology…which they have had way too much of already and can't possibly understand. To me, that's the bottom line. Supervised visits if they work…stopped permanently if they don't. Both parents present. Not because it feels good but because the kids deserve it and  because the dynamics between DH and MIL can't possibly be healthy. He grew up with her. Public place without exception. You should never go into her home again. Gifts need to stop. They manipulate and intimidate kids. Your marriage can't be about MIL; her hangups, her needs, her perceptions, her behavior and, yes, her illness. For it to survive, your marriage needs to be about your relationship and your parenting. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #43 on: February 16, 2012, 09:21:50 AM »
Loise- That sounds like it's going to work well. Hopefully DH agrees. I'm not counting on it though; not because he's a jerk or a momma's boy but because I don't think he knows right from wrong when it comes to his mother, by no fault of his own but because you're right he grew up with her. When it comes to his mother his way of thinking and living, until he gets counseling is most likely dysfunctional.

Offline pam1

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #44 on: February 16, 2012, 01:39:51 PM »
I agree, Doe.  She doesn't need to know the rules or have them discussed with her.  Talking doesn't work with people like this, action does.

Trondogs, my own MIL is mentally ill and in the early days DH would defend some of her dysfunctional behaviors or try to "gaslight" me (unconsciously) because this what he knew and was his normal.

A counselor we saw once said to him "your wife loves you, clearly loves you.  A lot of people would not stay in a situation like this and run.  So why do you think her boundaries are unreasonable?  What gives you cause to think what she's saying/doing is out of spite rather than love for you and your marriage?"

He told me later that this hit him like a ton of bricks.  Perhaps because I'm not the one who said it to him lol.  Maybe another therapist is in order.  DH refused therapy for a long time but I held firm to my boundaries and didn't back down.  You can read through a lot of my posts here, it was a long struggle.  It still is hard. 

Good luck to you and I really hope you read the book "The Gift of Fear."  I hope it will help you.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift