Author Topic: DIL here, would like input from the other POV  (Read 9246 times)

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Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #15 on: February 15, 2012, 12:50:55 PM »
Thanks Louise- My apologies for putting the asterisks in- I thought that was allowed. In the future could I just put ______, like a long line? Thanks.

Your sentence "I don't think you can create a viable marriage or raise your children successfully with that kind of pathological interference." is what I've been trying to say but couldn't put into words- thank you so much for that!!!

In par 2 I was trying to show that IMO I have been liked by MIL at one point and things weren't always bad until we decided to supervise visits. That I cared about MIL, and essentially feel a little betrayed that I was so kind and then almost over night MIL went from acceptance to divide and conquer. I also wanted to add in my thread that me, not DH, was the one who remembered MIL's birthday and mother's day, holiday cards etc, because I felt like I'd have another motherly figure to share stories with, recipes and who I would care for similar to my own mom and I did care. I wanted readers to know that I "allowed" MIL to see DS every week and that I didn't fit the typical stereotype of a "DIL". I guess I just do feel slightly let down- maybe my expectations were too high...idk...

It's good to get advice from MIL's and other women other than "jaded" DIL's. What I hope to get from this site is advice from the other POV to show me "maybe" I can not see farther than my own hand because I'm in the thick of it. I'm glad to hear that it doesn't seem like I'm the crazy evil DIL who doesn't allow her MIL access to her children. I needed a pep talk that I was doing the right thing. Thanks guys.

Sometimes though I feel empathetic towards my MIL even still because I wouldn't want to not see my grandkids, but then again I wouldn't do any of the things she's done and unfortunately probably will continue to do.

Thanks for your words of wisdom.


Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #16 on: February 15, 2012, 01:05:16 PM »
Oh, also wanted to add that everything I wrote has happened in the past. It's not continuing and DH and I are on the same page as things like: MIL not allowed in the house, MIL not given my phone number or the address where we live, DH won't discuss our marriage with MIL or answer any questions about our relationship and MIL is never to be left alone with the kids.

The only thing we can't see eye to eye with is that DH thinks MIL should see kids supervised and I disagree. I was told that I disagree only because of how much I dislike MIL but I don't feel that is the case here.

Should I put the past in the past and let her see the kids with DH or should I put my foot down and not allow any contact between MIL and DS's? I am confused as to what is the right or wrong thing to do. I'm skeptical about DH having the right answers because I was told my a therapist that he has deeply rooted guilt issues with his mom and the inability to have a functional adult realtionship with her.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #17 on: February 15, 2012, 01:11:51 PM »
T - We don't do long lines either. Just find a word that fits that has no four letter connotation…like rotten, nasty, horrible…whatever. It's in the Agreement. I am surprised that it was ever OK, since MIL seems to always have been like that. Her conduct is what brought about your decision. I admire and respect your empathic feelings toward MIL, I just hope they don't get in your way. She has brought this about, you haven't. All of this is just my take, of course but I highly recommend survival mode. Your little family matters. It wasn't created for your MIL to use to express her pathology. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2012, 01:19:23 PM »
And you disagreeing about supervised visits is just what has to be, IMO. They can't be an option. Your kids have had more than enough and she is not going to be anyone but herself. She can't be. The whole situation has got to have had adverse affects on the kids and confused them. No more! You don't have to pass on compassion…just don't act on it.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2012, 01:28:25 PM »
Gotchya ;)

MIL's behavior was never OK but the unsolicited advice was ignored/tolerated and taken with a grain of salt by DH and I. Our relationship was good before because everything was going the way MIL wanted it to and I guess over the years her behavior escalated and just seemed to worsen when DH and I tried to change a few things that we allowed or didn't allow. So in a sense things weren't great because we were just adapting to MIL and what she wanted, and we were walking on egg shells to not upset her. Things were great for MIL I should say :)

My feelings of empathy and sympathy most definitely get in the way because I hate seeing people upset and I find myself 2ND guessing myself with MIL. Sometimes I think maybe I'm the one making a mountain out of a molehill or maybe I'm the messed up one for not wanting MIL to have a relationship with my kids. Or maybe all these years I have the wrong impression of MIL. After all DH should know her the best and he says my views are sometimes distorted about her. However, I am finding that DH doesn't seem to know his mother too well afterall. Everything he says she'd never do she ends up doing and he also even told her one time that he used to think she was fragile and easily upset until the day in counseling where she was very aggressive and lashing out at me.

Bottom line is I don't want my kids to have a relationship with someone of her character and DH does. I believe her behavior can change but her personality/character will always remain the same, thus not allowing anyone around her to maintain a healthy relationship with her. I look around her and I can't find allbit one person she has what appears to be a good/healthy relationship with.

DH says the kids would be upset to never see her again. Sadly, I have to agree. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #20 on: February 15, 2012, 01:30:44 PM »
So you're saying in your opinion that it's better to have no visits than even supervised visits- for the kids sake that is.

Offline pam1

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #21 on: February 15, 2012, 01:41:09 PM »
Yes, that's what I'm saying.  The kids don't get a say right now.  They will understand when they are older.  However, if something happens to them again while in her care I don't think they will be quite as understanding.

There are many stories here of children who were abused by someone in their childhood yet blame their non abusive parent as they get older. 

And your MIL is abusive to you, your kids and your DH.  No doubt about it. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Doe

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #22 on: February 15, 2012, 01:44:45 PM »
MIL and I had a great relationship. I was there for her when her mother died, helped her with almost everything, she went into a deep depression and I took care of her. Cooked her food, did her chores/washed her clothes etc... We got along great and when DS was born she took him once a week for the day to spend some quality time with him. Older son was in school all day. I never missed a birthday or holiday or even mother’s day. Not because I felt I had to but because I cared.

MIL from day one has been prying, meddling and over-stepping her boundaries 24/7.

??  Is this the same MIL that you are talking about?
You had a great relationship with her when she was prying, meddling and over-stepping boundaries?

Offline Doe

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #23 on: February 15, 2012, 01:46:00 PM »
oh, I guess that was addressed - sorry...

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2012, 02:00:19 PM »
No prob Doe. Maybe my perception that she liked me was wrong, but I felt that in the beginning things were good between us and the unsolicited advice was so minuscule that it could go in one ear and out the other.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #25 on: February 15, 2012, 02:15:46 PM »
I don't know, of course. I just think that your kids don't know what you do and can't decide a thing like that. Your history tells me that she is dangerously toxic. She tried to manipulate your son into no longer telling you the truth. It's just my take that supervised visits are going to carry something in them under the surface that will subversive. A sense that you aren't being fair to her and are maybe what, cruel? Things kids can't necessarily verbalize but get the intention presented. You and DH need to get on the same page. She is hurting more than your kids. I may be way off base. Who knows?
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Doe

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #26 on: February 15, 2012, 03:28:30 PM »
Ok, my advise is: maybe to satisfy DH, not MIL, agree to visits with MIL only if you meet in public places - go bowling, out to eat, to a movie - somewhere very public with lots of witnesses people around.  DH stays with the kids and MIL the whole time.  I think I would be inclined to go along to supervise, too, but not engage MIL at all.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #27 on: February 15, 2012, 04:34:47 PM »
D - Good plan, it seems to me. Meeting in the middle. Sometimes I am too black and white.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Trondogs

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #28 on: February 15, 2012, 04:37:29 PM »
Louise- That is also my inkling. For years everything with MIL has added intentions. Nothing will be good enough for MIL until things are back to the way she wants them- kids every other weekend sleeping over for the whole weekend and once a week visits. Once DH gets the "whatevers" to tell his mom that she'll only be seeing them around 2 holidays and a birthday the you know what's gonna hit the you know what!!! Yes, DH hasnt't told her that she'll be seeing them only 4 times per year...he is avoiding telling her that...wonder why?! My guess is that he is afraid she's going to start back up to her old ways. As it is she calls him every other day to ask or text when will she see the kids? Each and everytime he ignores her texts and doesn't return her calls. Not something I would do to my mother. If I did my mother is sure to report me missing!!!

Doe- great idea- only what to do around xmas with all the gifts the kids will have to open? And most def I would go to keep an eye on her. The only reason I don't go now is because it's at her house and I am 100% uncomfortable at her house.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL here, would like input from the other POV
« Reply #29 on: February 15, 2012, 04:40:11 PM »
T - Christmas is a long way off! Time to put tha on hold? Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher