Author Topic: "It's not you - it's her" Ideas for what HE could do to help?  (Read 3373 times)

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cremebrulee

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Re: "It's not you - it's her" Ideas for what HE could do to help?
« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2010, 12:04:15 PM »
Quote
justus

Yes, she is missing out and not just with me, but with my DH, DD who won't speak to her, and my granddaughter (my step-daughter's child). DH and I are involved in many things that interest her and dad and it makes me very sad that I cannot share those things with them. But if I even tried, she would be insulted because I am not doing things the way she has always done them. I have given up on the impossible task of pleasing my mother.

As a mom to adult children, I have learned from her how not to be and so far, it has gone well. My children actually WANT to spend time with me.

I just cannot fathom stagnating yourself and others like that?  Her pride and being right is more important then having a relationship with you all????  I just don't get that? 


justus

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Re: "It's not you - it's her" Ideas for what HE could do to help?
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2010, 12:51:36 PM »
I just cannot fathom stagnating yourself and others like that?  Her pride and being right is more important then having a relationship with you all????  I just don't get that?
[/quote]

I think it is about control. It is important for her to feel in control of her environment and she accomplishes this through controlling the people around her. I stopped allowing her to control me because it was unhealthy for me. That was a threat to her. Instead of looking at herself and how she was part of our relationship falling apart, she became a victim and forced other family members to chose between her and I lest my illness infect anyone else. Now, the only time she tries to contact me, she does it in such a way that ensures I won't respond and gives her maximum victim points with other family members. So, she is profiting from the situation.

I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to make things right with my child if my child were willing. But then, I don't shrink from change or from self-evaluation. I don't expect my relationship with my chileren to remain static but to change as they grow and change.

cremebrulee

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Re: "It's not you - it's her" Ideas for what HE could do to help?
« Reply #17 on: April 20, 2010, 10:01:47 AM »
Quote
justus

I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to make things right with my child if my child were willing. But then, I don't shrink from change or from self-evaluation. I don't expect my relationship with my children to remain static but to change as they grow and change.

I know, I can't either justus....

My real mother is and always has been very dysfunctional...she always hated me....she became pregnant with me and then proceeded to blame me for her miserable life....I feel sorry for her, but that is all, there are no feelings any other way...when I was growing up, I used to look for her approval, however, she always ran me down...even to the neighbors and to family....I was a really bad kid, and I wasn't...I worked since I was 13 years old, and handed over every cent to help her out....then when I graduated, I wanted to go to the shore, work as a waitress and put myself through college...she said, "No, your staying here and working and helping me for raising you??  She didn't raise me, my foster mother did, that God.  I still go and help her out now and then, but it is very hard being around her....she talks and talks and talks about herself, and all her ailments always the most God awful things, she is always dying. 

My point is, Justus....is, that somewhere along the lines, and I don't remember when, I gave up on the fact that she would acknowledge me as a human being not to be used...but she can't....she can't do any better then what she does....and is...and she hates everyone, everyone is no good.  I don't even really think of her as my mother....I can't. 

Just b/c a person is a parent, doesn't mean they deserve the title...and I know it's very hurtful....and your probably all she's got...however, it sounds like she's like my mother and doesn't care...I'm very very sorry....

I used to be so scared I'd grow up just like my mother, and prayed a lot that God not allow that to happen.  This is awful, but they way she talks to people is so inappropriate, and when I was little, when we were out in public, I used to be so embarrassed.  She is so illogical...
« Last Edit: April 20, 2010, 10:16:45 AM by cremebrulee »

justus

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Re: "It's not you - it's her" Ideas for what HE could do to help?
« Reply #18 on: April 23, 2010, 09:35:27 AM »
I am pretty much there, too. She is who she is and it has nothing to do with me. Once I refused to be responsible for her emotional well-being, she gave up on me and started to use me to keep everyone else under her thumb. It has taken be a lot longer to give up on the dream of having a mother who loved me unconditionally. Unfortunately, she is so toxic to me that there probably will not be any contact in the future. Ever. Even if my dad dies. I can see her try to use that as a way to try to guilt me into some sort of contact, but it will be based solely on me changing to accommodate her dysfunction. Not going to happen ever again.

*shrug* It is sad, but my life is so much better this way.

Did you go to the shore or did her guilt ploy work?

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: "It's not you - it's her" Ideas for what HE could do to help?
« Reply #19 on: April 23, 2010, 09:40:58 AM »
Quote
justus
I think it is about control. It is important for her to feel in control of her environment and she accomplishes this through controlling the people around her. I stopped allowing her to control me because it was unhealthy for me. That was a threat to her. Instead of looking at herself and how she was part of our relationship falling apart, she became a victim and forced other family members to chose between her and I lest my illness infect anyone else. Now, the only time she tries to contact me, she does it in such a way that ensures I won't respond and gives her maximum victim points with other family members. So, she is profiting from the situation.

I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to make things right with my child if my child were willing. But then, I don't shrink from change or from self-evaluation. I don't expect my relationship with my chileren to remain static but to change as they grow and change.

yanno, no matter what situation we are presented in life, there is always, a learning curve for us.  To observe what we don't want to be like or do want to be like, therefore, in this situation, it sounds like you've got it tightly under wraps and your outlook is very good...so, go forth without her, and don't worry about the family members...me thinks most of them are going along with her out of fear, more so, then they believe her antics....could be wrong, but they've known her a long time, and her wrath...

sheesh, spiting on someone, how so not cool!  Kinda creepy!

Hope

  • Guest
Re: "It's not you - it's her" Ideas for what HE could do to help?
« Reply #20 on: April 23, 2010, 09:06:28 PM »
Quote
justus

I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to make things right with my child if my child were willing. But then, I don't shrink from change or from self-evaluation. I don't expect my relationship with my children to remain static but to change as they grow and change.

I know, I can't either justus....

My real mother is and always has been very dysfunctional...she always hated me....she became pregnant with me and then proceeded to blame me for her miserable life....I feel sorry for her, but that is all, there are no feelings any other way...when I was growing up, I used to look for her approval, however, she always ran me down...even to the neighbors and to family....I was a really bad kid, and I wasn't...I worked since I was 13 years old, and handed over every cent to help her out....then when I graduated, I wanted to go to the shore, work as a waitress and put myself through college...she said, "No, your staying here and working and helping me for raising you??  She didn't raise me, my foster mother did, that God.  I still go and help her out now and then, but it is very hard being around her....she talks and talks and talks about herself, and all her ailments always the most God awful things, she is always dying. 

My point is, Justus....is, that somewhere along the lines, and I don't remember when, I gave up on the fact that she would acknowledge me as a human being not to be used...but she can't....she can't do any better then what she does....and is...and she hates everyone, everyone is no good.  I don't even really think of her as my mother....I can't. 

Just b/c a person is a parent, doesn't mean they deserve the title...and I know it's very hurtful....and your probably all she's got...however, it sounds like she's like my mother and doesn't care...I'm very very sorry....

I used to be so scared I'd grow up just like my mother, and prayed a lot that God not allow that to happen.  This is awful, but they way she talks to people is so inappropriate, and when I was little, when we were out in public, I used to be so embarrassed.  She is so illogical...
Creme,
Thank goodness for your dear sm.  And thank goodness that you saw the wrong in your mom's behavior so that you could stop the cycle.  And you did it!  ;)   You stopped the cycle of narcicism.  You are a giving, caring person who genuinely reaches out to help others.  Good for you!  Living proof - you have helped so many people on this forum.  It hurts me to know that you worked so hard for your Mom and didn't receive the appreciation and love you deserved in return.  You overcame - look at you now!  Somehow you came through all this with a clear head and a big heart.  Thanks for all you do for the women who visit this forum.
Hugs, Hope