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I saw someone I thought had died....

Started by themuffin, January 30, 2012, 07:19:11 AM

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themuffin

Good Morning you bunch of WONDERFUL, WISE WOMEN!!!

      I have learned so much from all of you ladies.  The words of wisdom, the advice and at times the constructive criticism have all helped me to reach the point where I am at today.  THANK YOU!!

      So anyhoo, I have learned to step back, not smother, call sparingly, not speak ill of FDIL (in fact, I also ask about her with sincere concern), and pretty much just let DS be the man he wants to be without having to check in with his mommy...and it seems to be working!!!!

     I texted DS that I had picked him up a couple of very small items (and I mean close to nothing so they were no incentive for him to come over) and before I knew it he was calling saying he was at our home and asking where we were.  I told him we were just finishing up shopping and would be home soon.  I asked him if he needed anything and he said no, but I pushed and the only thing he requested was a bag of chips!  That also made me feel good because it indicated that he didn't stop by to eat or because he needed something.

        I get a text from my other DS, the one who hasn't spoken to his brother in years, telling me that DS and FDIL are here and if he should tell them to leave (he's only half kidding, lol).  WHOA!!!  FDIL hasn't been in my home since "the incident".  I'm not sure how I feel about seeing her.  I don't know if they've come over to try to talk things out or what, but I'm a little antsy about this.  Had my DS not told me I would have been shocked to walk in and see her sitting on my couch. 

     So walk into my living room and there they are both sitting on the couch watching a game and sharing a slushie. She and I say hello and son says, "Momma!" eyes all sparkly like he's really happy to see me.  He jumps up and he gives me a hug and for the first time in a long time I see someone I had thought I would never see again.....MY SON!!!  I didn't feel like there was this stranger in the room that looked like my son.  I saw him...the little boy that I remember loving and liking.  And I saw the person who used to like me too!! That was a great feeling!

    So we sat there and made small talk and was able to smile and act like nothing really terrible had happened (except for I knew and FDIL knew and although we may someday get along again, I don't think we'll ever be close).  I gave DS the small items and he seemed so thrilled and thanked me as if I had even him something he always wanted.

    The only someone negative part of the visit was when I brought up to FDIL that I was going to knit a blanket for the baby but wanted to wait until Feb. 2 when the sex was confirmed.  DS had already told me that was the plan. FDIL knows that I would just ADORE a little girl as I never had one.  She is sure the baby is a boy.  I guess I did kinda say that I hope she's wrong and it's a girl and she seemed to be annoyed (I do understand that I should not have said that). Anyway, she says that they have decided to wait and be surprised.  I didn't believe her for a minute and I knew it was just that she didn't want me to know.  So when DS came back into the room I said so "FDIL says you guys don't want to know the sex."  He looks looks surprised like this is news to him, and was about to correct this, when she says, "Remember Boobie? We said we were going to wait?" He catches on to her lie and reluctantly agrees.  No biggie.  I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy!

   It wasn't a very long visit, which is fine by me.  But it was a pleasant visit with with promise and hope that maybe we can all come together and enjoy this baby.  When it was time to go DS gave me a hug and we switched roles. This time I was the one who replied, "I love you, too." because he said, "I love you. " first.

I'm looking forward to June!

Hugs,
Ladies

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pam1

Awesome!  Sounds like it went really well.

About not knowing the sex, I think it is ok for the couple to choose if they want to know or if they want to tell if they do know.  I know a lot of people who knew but wouldn't tell. 

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

firelight

that's wonderful themuffin! 

What a great visit!  Maybe they really are having a girl since the DIL said she thought it was a boy then said they didn't want to know.  But whatever the new grand will be, he/she will be surrounded by a very loving family.  That's the important part!!! 

I can't wait till June either for you to fill us in!!  :-)
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Doe

yay - a great way to start my day!  Happy for you!

themuffin

Hi Pam,

   Thanks for the reply!  And you're right.  Although I know that her mom will know and that this is just her little way of thinking she's has some power over me, but I don't care.  I think I would like to be surprised! ;D

    Not only that, but by not telling she's really not hurting me.  I had planned on buying things just as soon as I knew, but there's a real limit to what you can buy when you don't know the sex of the baby.  I've been checking out baby clothes and they don't really have that many gender neutral items.  Baby boy clothes look like boy clothes and baby girl clothes look like girl clothes. 

  Oh well, I'm just happy that for the first time I can visualize us all in the same room after the baby is here.  It is very clear that DS wants us to be a part of his child's life.  It's also clear that FDIL is trying to make an effort.  I appreciate that.   

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themuffin

Thanks Doe!!! ;D  I'm feeling pretty happy today, myself. ;D

Thanks Firelight!!!  You know that for a brief minute I wondered if maybe she wants me to be surprised if it's a girl.  But she's never been that thoughtful, lol.

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luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

I know what you mean, TheMuffin.  You're really limited on what you can buy if you don't know gender, so I always just opt for diapers lol
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

Or a lovely card saying your gift is sex-specific and will follow.  ;)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

I'm glad to hear you had a great moment w/DS & FDIL. IMO, you might want to tread carefully and lightly, dear Muffin. Don't go overboard now....as tempting as it is to jump in with both feet.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

themuffin

Pen--you are sooo right.  I have no intention of changing anything.  I'm sticking to the formula that's working.  I'm glad that DS is behaving more like a son, and I'm even glad that FDIL made an effort to come by and we were all able to sit in the same room and act human.

However, DH and I don't trust them.  We think they are up to something.  I know it's kinda spoils how wonderful all this progress sounds but we know them.  I would like to believe that they just suddenly decided that that family should not behave this way and that we should all try to make it work for the sake of the baby.  But DH and I suspect it may be that they are plotting.  Maybe they've realized that it's beneficial to have a set of loving, WORKING, grandparents who can help out.

Thanks for the advise.  I will be careful.

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lancaster lady

hi Muffin ,

I started to get visits , then was asked for a donation to the wedding , and they
didn't mean a cake recipe !  lol

You know cream is acceptable to a boy or girl , makes a lovely blanket .
You can always add blue or pink when finished as in an edging or ribbon .

Grandchildren are wonderful any way you  get them .... :)

themuffin

Lol, LL about the cake recipe comment! ;D

Great advice about the blanket, but I don't think I'll do it.  Only because I don't think FDIL would appreciate it as it should be.  Knitting is not something I do second nature, and the yarn I planned to use was quite expensive as well. Every stitch would have been done with love.  Somehow from the not so thrilled look she gave when I mentioned it, I imagined it dirty and stained on the floor in the corner of the room with the rest of the dirty stuff.  FDIL is Oscar Madison reincarnated.  DH and I used to joke about how not only would we not be able to see the GC, but they wouldn't either.  DS, "Where's the baby?"  FDIL, "Oh, he's somewhere in one of the piles on the floor."

LOL, when DS got ready to leave on Sunday, I asked why he had to go so soon.  He said "the apartment is a mess."  I knew that was the truth!  I'd never seen such a sloppy woman in all my life!  :o

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pam1

TheMuffin, my good friend married an older man who has adult children.  One of the sons just recently had a child and they (friend and husband) refused to buy any gift for the couple/baby.  Friend said it was b/c they were lousy with money and knew that they would be expected to buy diapers/formula/food quite a bit and that was going to be their gift to them. 

And yes, she felt the same way.  The relationships weren't great before baby but when they found out the girlfriend was expecting they all of sudden became nicer, Friend and Husband knew it had something to do with help supporting them and baby. 

I don't know if this applies in your sitch but maybe.  The girlfriend is the same as well, very sloppy and she doesn't work.  Not that there is a problem with that but they need the money.

Food for thought

Also, I think you're right about not giving the blanket.  If it won't be appreciated it would just hurt you more. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

themuffin

Pam, I really hate to rain on my own parade, but really do believe that this change of heart is not out of pure goodness.  FDIL may be a slob but she's not stupid.  The last time I heard she was working, but there was talk from DS about her quitting because it's getting to be too much for her and she's tired all the time.  DS works two or three jobs, I lost count.  DS reported that they were behind on everything and he planned to catch up with his income taxes.  Sheesh, but I think he's confused his taxes with lotto.  He plans to pay off their bills, (quite a lot, including parking violations), pay off the credit cards AND buy a used car.  Ummmm....I've done his taxes in the past and unless something major has changed it's not gonna happen. In fact, he'll get less because he's no longer a student.  I didn't say a word. 

I think FDIL realizes that they are going to need some help from time to time and it's best to re-build the bridge to the bank, I mean us, before it's too late.  Hubby and I were hoping that they didn't have any thoughts of moving back in.  OMG, but that will NEVER happen!!!

Yeah, we feel something's up.  At worst, we'll be prepared. At best, they are growing up, excited over the baby and realize how important family is since they are starting one of their own.  Yeah, right....I'll keep hope alive.

That being said, we buy the baby a gift, but you are right about how hurt I'd be if she didn't appreciate the blanket. So nope, no blankie for her.

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