Author Topic: Just Annoyed  (Read 4760 times)

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phillek

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2012, 07:05:37 AM »
Phillek, I'll be your MIL.  You sound like a really sweet person.  But, I will give you advice every now and then, just to keep you on your toes!!!!!

FAFE - yes please!  :D

Shelby,  I don't think FAFE's DD was being insecure or disrespectful. I think that kind of advice just triggers a certain reaction in a young mom, because her world revolves around the baby and OF COURSE she gave her Tylenol (or chose not to)... At this point in her life they might as well asked her if she remembered to tie her shoes.  I'm sure DD knows they didn't mean it maliciously, and it sounds like they all made light of it, had a little laugh, and moved on.  I think that is probably the key, because we get can ourselves into a situation where everyone is all defensive and clammed up, and that's not good for anyone.  So maybe the answer is: give the little tidbits to DIL or DD, but know that she probably already heard it before, and don't get upset  when she gives you a little eye roll or expect her to keep her experiences to herself so you can keep your advice to yourself.

Once, MIL asked over the phone if DS was enjoying taking baths.  DH said, "Yes, he loves them, but he always cries for a short time transitioning out, probably because he gets a chill."  MIL replied in a stern tone, "Well, you better make sure you are wrapping him in a towel!"  DH just rolled his eyes and changed the subject, thinking, No, DM, we are parading him around the cold house, naked and wet.... how dumb do you think we are???  If that comment doesn't warrant an eye roll, I don't know what does.  But no, it didn't start some kind of feud or cause us to be angry with her for any amount of time.  Again, my initial post wasn't really about that kind of thing.

I'm so sorry phillik.  It seems you have married my Ex and got his Mother! Good luck with that! (Both of them)  ;D

Pooh, thank goodness for my DH.  We are actually on the same page for the most part and have a united front.... I don't know what I would do otherwise.  Really, I just feel bad for him, because he had been conditioned to deal with MIL his whole life and knows what works for him (ignore, ignore, polite smile, keep conversation superficial, ignore, erase the encounter from his mind) and I haven't been able to get the "erase encounter from my mind part down" so when I get upset, he has to go through that with me.

phillek

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2012, 07:08:19 AM »
Lancaster Lady,

Thanks for your post.  I said before that I want to try to remember what its like to be a young mom when I am a GM... but I don't have the luxury of knowing what it is like to be a GM.  I'm glad to get that perspective.

Offline Scoop

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2012, 07:42:21 AM »
Phillek, I know where you're coming from.  It's not the giving of advice that's hurting the relationship, it's the pouting that happens if the advice is not taken, immediately! 

It's your MIL's problem if her feelings get hurt when you and DH do something differently than her.  As long as you're not saying 'OUR way is the ONLY right way and your way is STUPID'.

I think you need to talk to DH and find out how he 'handles' her (other than folding in half!).  For my MIL, I've found that there are a few ways to make her stop:

1 - tell her it's DH's decision.  MIL and AuntIL were hounding me about "when are you going to have kids" and what finally stopped them was me saying "I'm ready, it's DH, you should talk to him about it!"  Of course, they didn't, but they did stop nagging ME.

2 - My MIL is a workaholic, so "work" is always an acceptable excuse for ANYTHING.  Lie if you have to.  We've already established that my MIL prefers to be lied to, because she doesn't want to hear the truth.

3 - the 'yeah, yeah, whatever' approach, where you 'sort of' agree with her, without making promises and then just do whatever YOU want.  This one has been one of my DH's CLASSIC moves, such that he's even tried to 'yeah, yeah, whatever' ME - so not flying Buddy, but good try!

3a - with my MIL, you just don't say "NO", you say "not right now" or "maybe later" or "maybe another time" or "we'll see" or "we're just SO busy right now".

Good luck.  Don't forget that you don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) ANY of your decisions!

Offline pam1

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2012, 07:46:10 AM »
FAFE, that's cool that your family can just laugh that off.  When DD was a baby (first grandchild on both sides) I heard non stop stuff like that and usually I was pretty good with "thanks!"  But every once in a while a smart aleck comment would slip but luckily both sides (DD's fathers FOO and mine) were pretty understanding and got my sense of humor. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Shelby

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2012, 07:47:20 AM »

Shelby,  I don't think FAFE's DD was being insecure or disrespectful. I think that kind of advice just triggers a certain reaction in a young mom, because her world revolves around the baby and OF COURSE she gave her Tylenol (or chose not to)... At this point in her life they might as well asked her if she remembered to tie her shoes. 

Phillek - I agree FAFE's DD was not being insecure or disrespectful.  I don't think I said she was.  I agree the older women should not be giving advice - my only point is that it was FAFE's DD who opened the conversation with - if not a complaint - at least a "situation".  That seems to be an implicit invitation to comment.  If the DD can take comments in stride - (and FAFE's DD may do pretty well with this) - then great.  But if the DD (any DD, not just FAFE's) doesn't like the reaction, then that DD should probably stop bringing up the subject.  Kind of hard to blame the older women for making fairly innocuous observations when it was the young mother bringing up the situation. 

Offline Doe

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2012, 07:54:35 AM »
MIL replied in a stern tone, "Well, you better make sure you are wrapping him in a towel!" 


This had me laughing out loud!  If only you could see how funny this character is - you could get a lot of laughs out of her - but I do understand when she's in your face, it's frustrating.    I think laughing at her might get some change you are looking for, maybe.

Offline pam1

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #21 on: January 27, 2012, 07:58:21 AM »
I think I would take it as small talk if Fafe's DD was my friend and probably sympathize.  Maybe there is something to it with the older, more experienced Moms who see it as a "situation?"  Rather than just general chit chat. Moms in general probably just want to fix it and that probably doesn't stop even their kids are adults.  So maybe it's a mix of the older Mom still under the impression that she needs to be Mom right now and the younger Mom annoyed with all the comments/advice when she's just chatting.  Interesting, I hadn't thought of it this way before.

Cause I mean it, I love hearing peoples stories/experiences.  That's how I usually find out my gems...like tea tree oil to wash the floors with....makes doggies stop peeing on it.  I would have never found that out before lol
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Shelby

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #22 on: January 27, 2012, 08:09:42 AM »
I think I would take it as small talk if Fafe's DD was my friend and probably sympathize.  Maybe there is something to it with the older, more experienced Moms who see it as a "situation?"  Rather than just general chit chat. Moms in general probably just want to fix it and that probably doesn't stop even their kids are adults.  So maybe it's a mix of the older Mom still under the impression that she needs to be Mom right now and the younger Mom annoyed with all the comments/advice when she's just chatting.  Interesting, I hadn't thought of it this way before.

Cause I mean it, I love hearing peoples stories/experiences.  That's how I usually find out my gems...like tea tree oil to wash the floors with....makes doggies stop peeing on it.  I would have never found that out before lol

Agree it is small talk.  The aunts and older women at the funeral probably thought that was the spirit in which they were responding.   So why can't the young mother take the response as small talk, not intrusiveness? 

Offline pam1

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #23 on: January 27, 2012, 08:32:14 AM »
I think I would take it as small talk if Fafe's DD was my friend and probably sympathize.  Maybe there is something to it with the older, more experienced Moms who see it as a "situation?"  Rather than just general chit chat. Moms in general probably just want to fix it and that probably doesn't stop even their kids are adults.  So maybe it's a mix of the older Mom still under the impression that she needs to be Mom right now and the younger Mom annoyed with all the comments/advice when she's just chatting.  Interesting, I hadn't thought of it this way before.

Cause I mean it, I love hearing peoples stories/experiences.  That's how I usually find out my gems...like tea tree oil to wash the floors with....makes doggies stop peeing on it.  I would have never found that out before lol

Agree it is small talk.  The aunts and older women at the funeral probably thought that was the spirit in which they were responding.   So why can't the young mother take the response as small talk, not intrusiveness?

Just from my experience, it's probably cause she's tired of hearing it lol.  I'm not excusing the eyeroll, that's pretty rude but I remember how I felt back then lol.  I said thanks a lot and every once in a while a little comeback would come out.  It's probably just human nature.

Give and take, both sides can try a little more patience probably.  As a friend, it's easy for me to say to my new mom friends "oh that stinks, hope baby feels better soon" but now thinking as what I would feel like it it was my daughter telling me baby was cranky...I probably would be a bit more invested in fixing the situation.  I'm sure it's a transition and adjustment for everyone but if I were to respond to all my new mom friends with my advice, well I'm not sure I'd keep so many friends.  And I would think the same would hold true for new mom's in the family, it's just an irritation to some people.

Hey Doe, I'll start a new thread in Grab Bag.  I bet there's some more tips people can add :)
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Pen

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #24 on: January 27, 2012, 09:17:18 AM »
People are always giving advice that is obvious, it's their way of connecting or expressing concern. Rather than making snide "Captain Obvious" references, I just nod and say "Yeah, we've tried that" or "I'll keep that in mind." I really don't think most of them are questioning my intelligence or critical thinking skills, they just speak what flashes into their mind at the time (the "wrapping baby in a towel" comment for example.)

We were living in a rental for a month or two waiting for work to be done on our house & kept most of our stuff packed up so I didn't have cutlery dividers in the kitchen drawers, we just threw everything in a mishmash. SM took me aside & earnestly told me, "They make these things that will keep your forks & knives organized, I'm sure you can purchase them in your town." DH & I had a good laugh.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Offline FAFE

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #25 on: January 27, 2012, 10:19:53 AM »
This is the same DD that when she was going to her first prom, all four of my sisters' came to help her dress!  They all had boys and one of them said, by Gawd, she was gonna dress somebody for the prom and it might as well be DD.  So, she knows anything that any of them says that it's just us!  This baby is a gift straight from heaven and everybody worships her and would never knowlingly say something bad to her mama.

I think most of here are of the generation that really thinks that we need to give advice, whether it's needed or not.  I overheard a conversation in Walmart this morning about a mother potty training her DD who is nearly 5 years old.  When I saw her later in the store I said you might not want to hear this, but this is what worked for my DD when she was being potty trained.  The mother said, oh my gosh, I would have never thought of that and thanked me profusely.  I tend to do that to complete strangers and I do get an eye roll from DD if she is with me.  But, I know she's doing that because she would never walk up to a complete stranger and give them advice! 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #26 on: January 27, 2012, 10:56:41 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D I would never have the courage to do that but..truth...I think sometimes advice is a lot easier to take from complete strangers! Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

phillek

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #27 on: January 27, 2012, 11:26:00 AM »
Okay, so I think there is a difference between my original vent and the Tylenol comment...

FAFE was giving an example of a little piece of harmless advice, which young moms might be tired of hearing, but we'll all have to get over it and see the humor in it.  I agree that this is like the towel comment, and honestly, while annoyed at the time I don't think my MIL meant it to hurt/control us and really I just think it's funny.

This may be opening a whole can of worms here, so I will try to tread carefully:
I get very frustrated - and I don't think it's funny - when MIL tries to talk us out of something that we have decided to do with DS (things that are working well for us!!), simply because she wouldn't/didn't do it that way.  These are things that DH and I have discussed with each other ad nauseum, researched to the hilt, asked doctors and other parents, and came to a solution that works for us... Happy baby, happy mommy, happy daddy = happy MIL, right??  Wrong.  She will bring it up again and again, trying to break us down until she gets her way, and it has become clear to both DH and me that her number one priority is being right, validated as a mother and mentor, and whether or not the advice actually works for us is unimportant to her. 

It's totally different than what I think most of you DMs and MILs do, which is more along the lines of the Tylenol or towel comment: completely forgivable and kind of funny.

I'm hesitant to give a detailed example (though I have several) because I don't want to start a discussion about what is the "right" way to handle certain parenting issues (like sleeping, eating, discipline, schedules) but I'll say that most of them are controversial because there is no right answer, and if experts/doctors/parents can't agree, then why can't I take in all the information, trust my instincts an do what works for my family?  Why should I be harassed into doing something that makes DH, me, and DS miserable just so MIL can feel good about herself? I know none of you thinks I should, again just venting about my MIL, and certainly not about anything anyone on here has said.

Offline alohomora

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #28 on: January 27, 2012, 11:28:40 AM »
^

That's very true sometimes. My MIL raised three very healthy children. And I don't have my own mother. I do have a lot of older sisters though, but none of them had multiple children like we intend on. And they all had them much later in life and under very different circumstances (little to no involvement from the fathers) then DH and I will have (he will be home everyday by 4:30pm and is the sort who will be rushing through the door to take baby and help).

So I could DO with someone to vent to and ask for help. The problem with MIL? She tells everyone everything - all the IL's do. I know b/c I've done this before. Ex.

Me: MIL I'm feeling tired b/c we did X activity.
MIL: Oh no well don't do X activity.

Next day: phone calls and text messages from the rest of the ILs. This will last a month. Constant badgering about 'are you still doing X activity? I hope not as it made you soooo tired I heard!!'

I know if I tell her I'd rather she keep our conversations private, a) she won't and b) she'll get offended.

Sucks.

phillek

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Re: Just Annoyed
« Reply #29 on: January 27, 2012, 11:42:24 AM »
Scoop, I just now noticed your post for some reason... Great advice!

Alohomora, I think we have a lot in common, sister.  :P