Don't know where to turn...

[Pen]

According to a special-ed teacher I know, there's a phenomenon called "the death of the perfect child." It's what parents of special needs kids go through when they realize their child isn't "normal." I still go back to some of those stages of grief, and my special needs child is a full-grown adult.

I think when AC have issues such as mental or emotional illness or addictions that negatively impact their lives, parents go through the same stages of grief. Please take care of yourself through this!

[jeannehiga]

Hello from Maui,
Please understand that none of us are "complete" strangers.  If ever there were "soul sisters" we are for sure!  I felt your pain and it is the same pain I have.  Emotional illness is complex and even the "experts" struggle to find the key to helping someone.  I can't express how valuable sharing our stories here is.  We find bits of truths for our situations by sharing with others and validate what we already know.  Keep sharing and reading.  It's a lifeline for me and I am sending the biggest Maui hug that will fit on this page!  Dark chocolate helps, good music, and listen to the birds if they are available.  I have a big tree near my lanai and I listen everyday for the sweet sounds they make.  Even the rain falling can be soothing.  A cup of tea, simple yoga, any comfort you can find.  Find a little spot of joy today, just for you. 

[SadToTheCore]

You all help me more than you'll ever know. It gives me so much comfort to know that I'm not alone, and I get help from people who have experienced some of the same things I'm going through.

I will be sending my son his mail tomorrow, as he hasn't changed his address yet. I forward it to him about once a week or so.  In the past, i have included little notes etc as I have said. A few friends and relatives have told me to stop forwarding his mail and/or writing little notes. He never responds or acknowledges any of it.  I cant imagine just sending his mail without writing that im thinking of him  It just doesn't feel right to me. I want to continue to be the loving mom I have always been, even though he seems to have forgotten that.  It helps me to live with myself.

What do you all think? 

[jeannehiga]

Hello,
Yes, I think you should keep taking the "high road" and being the loving mom you are.  I don't want to be preachy at all but the Bible has wisdom about this:  Romans 12:21.  "keep conquering the evil with the good".  There is more there of course but basically I think while we won't accept abuse, for our part, we should continue to "be peaceable with all men".  And although they are our children, as adults, they are men.  I decided to not try and defend myself by pointing out all the distorted things my son said about me.  He would not hear it even if I could leave a message somehow.  I continue to pray for him, his dad and myself, that we will all make peace with the sadness of this estrangement without blaming and harshness.  I won't "fire back" like I used to.  Some might, but I'll follow the advice of someone wiser than I have been.  Much warm aloha to you and my prayers.

[firelight]

hey SadToTheCore,

I think you should do what feels right to you.  If not sending a note feels wrong, then by all means, send your note with your thought of him or whatever you want to send.   I would be the same way.  Follow your gut and try to live with no regrets.  What he does with that is his business, but you will have peace in your heart (as much as possible anyway) on your end.

Warm thoughts to you.

[SadToTheCore]

It's been awhile since I've posted, and I thought I'd update you and get some additional insight. My son emailed my DH and I after 4 months without any contact. Needless to say, I was thrilled. But, just as in previous fashion, he forwards us something without any text at all, so we're left guessing why he sent it.

There were three separate emails. Two were forwarded letters of rejection from two graduate programs at ivy league business schools. One was a beautiful picture of a cardinal outside his window. (before my mom died, she told us to look for cardinals sent to tell us she loves us . Funny, we do see them around all the time). I wrote back just a few lines telling him I'm sorry about the disappointments with the schools, but I believe that great things await him. I also told him that I'm sure his grandma was looking out for him and that I love him. There was no response, which was expected.

 But here is my dilemma... My husband refuses to acknowledge the emails. He feels that after all the terrible things my son say I'd to us (worst parents ever, blame game), he will respond to nothing less than an outright apology.  I just don't think that will ever happen.

[SadToTheCore]

Oops...
I feel such anger and frustration with my husband that I can hardly breathe. He's an amazing man in every other way.

How can I handle this with my son and with my husband?  I believe this is my son reaching out. I don't want to lose either one of them.

[jeannehiga]

Hello,
You are in a tough spot right now.  Men seem to see things differently than we women do and usually more harshly.  Maybe an apology is needed for your husband but the road back might not start with one.  Eventually these adult children who say such horriic things need to recognize it but their timing is not the same as ours.  I have heard nothing from mine and dont' expect to but I could not even try to rebuild until he at least owns up to how cruel and unfair he was.  But a start point would just be a simple communication and then later when the timing feels right, acknowledgement is part of the healing.  Sorry it is hard for you right now.  Aloha from Maui

[Liz]

I scrolled through your posts.  Heartbreaking.  My kids are young... I can't even imagine.  I have nothing insightful add.  I might not call.  But I would continue to forward his mail... With notes of love.  I would not involve your husband.  You don't have to be one unit for this.  I read an interesting book a year ago... "When Parents Hurt".  Don't remember the author...

I know I will have disagreements and disappointments with my kids.  I also hope I can unconditionally love them.  I know... easier said than done.

[SadToTheCore]

I've decided to call him tomorrow. I'm in constant emotional pain. After all this time, how do I even begin the conversation?

[jeannehiga]

Take a deep breath, calm yourself and maybe even have a little script handy to remind yourself of what you want to say.  And remember, you will do your best and cannot control how your son responds.  This emotional pain is hard to bear up under.  I am thinking of you and hoping it goes well.  Just one kind word from him will make you so happy.  But if not, you can always try again.  And again.  Much aloha from Maui

[Pooh]

Maybe if you try to put your husband's shoes on it will help you let go of the upset at him.  Think of it as if there was someone you didn't want to talk to any longer and he was talking about them and trying to get you to?  Just trying to think of something to help as you are in a tough spot between them.

[Ruth]

Maybe it may be best to try and view this situation from a different angle, a little more objectively.  It is so hard for us mothers to keep in mind that our a/c aren't focusing on us, we aren't really all that important any more.  And they also aren't nearly as fragile as we think they are.  It has taken me many years to come to terms with this.  Mine send an email now and then, but I think its out of their mind in ten seconds.  I'm not the center of their world.  As far as DH, I would let the males deal with their own issues.  It isn't going to kill either one of them, and they will probably just make it up one day in the way males prefer, the 'act as if nothing happened' fashion.  You can't control or fix any of that, and being angry and sullen with DH will only rob you of the joy you could have with the person in your life, who is there for you.  I think your response to DS's emails was excellent, but personally I wouldn't initiate any phone calls.  I would work on treating DS like a grown up, and letting him do the phones calls for the most part.  I hope this helps, best wishes dear one.

[SadToTheCore]

Thanks to you all for the caring words of advice. I did call my son several days ago. Again, I haven't seen or talked to him for five months, and I felt desperate to hear his voice. He didn't answer. When I heard his voice on his voicemail, I literally broke down. I tried to hide my anguish when I left my message, but I'm sure it was evident. I told him I thought of him often and I just wanted to see how he's doing. I toldmhim I loved him and that he didn't have to call me back if he didn't want to. Well, he didn't call.

Ruth, I do think he may suffer from the same malady your son has. I haven't seen any emotion or empathy from my son in a few years now.

He has never not returned a call. I'm sure it's because my husband never responded to his latest emails. I think it was an effort to reach out to us, even though he included no text... just forwarded information. My son told me last year that he will treat me the way his dad treats him, so I surmise that's what he's doing.

 It is literally killing me. I developed stage one breast cancer in august and i truly believe it could have been caused from the tremendous amount of despair and stress I have experienced. I don't know where to turn. My husband won't discuss it.

[Ruth]

I went back and read your original post again.  I think it would help you, as it did me, to first of all get an accurate diagnosis of what DS mental state is, if you can, and find a support group to help you with that.  There may be an actual physical support group where you live that you may have access to.  There isn't where I am, so I had to find help online.  WW really saved my life, and I know that the key to surviving this kind of pain is to find people who can empathize, who've shared a similar experience.  Be brave and proactive, in looking for resources to help yourself.  Once the key goes into the lock, it will work and you'll get out of that unbearable pain.  You can find a way to deal with this.  I know that if I can, anyone can, because nobody could have been in worse shape than I was, and I lived in that nightmare for ten years unrelentingly, and actually more like twenty actual years of internal anguish.  I have finally been able to come to terms with my DS issues and I feel released from needing to gain access to him and from feeling responsible for causing him to be this way.