Author Topic: not welcome around grandson  (Read 7799 times)

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cocobars

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #15 on: April 15, 2010, 05:17:14 PM »
Oh my, the gym membership I almost did too.  I thought better about the connotations and (thank God) decided that was not the best idea I could think of.  Clothing is not good either.  Just remember how you felt right after having that baby.  "Jelly belly" is a great reminder!"  LOL!

The thing is that you can't take those blunders back.  I know that's hard.  But now you can come here and we can all talk these things out.  I'm just one person, but now you have many ideas and perceptions to steer you in a better direction.  I'm proud to say that we have some very understanding DIL's here who occasionally have been known for their in depth understanding of situations we may not be able to comprehend.  I do hope you will keep coming and posting, and getting as many different views here as you can.  I feel this may help you avoid many of the mistakes already made.

I also know that there will always be situations that are just not workable for some reason.  I would try every other avenue, before I made the decision that it was hopeless.  I hope this helps.

Sending out love and hugs!

Offline Pen

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #16 on: April 15, 2010, 06:05:51 PM »
Glitterati, for us to be MILs most of us had to be moms first...we've also been through hormones, breastfeeding, protectiveness, car seats and our own MILs. I cut up hotdogs and grapes for my kids, and I'm well over 40. My parents, however, carted me cross country in a banana box in the back of an early VW :)

When my first child was born, the experience connected me to the wide world full of other mothers from the dawn of humankind to the present, in every corner of the globe. I suddenly had compassion for all the parents trying to do their very best under sometimes horrific circumstances. My kids were most precious to me, and I understood that parents everywhere felt exactly the same way about their own children. It made it easier for me to see my ILs as well as my own parents as human beings who deserved consideration and respect. Don't forget that these old people had young lives before you met them.  We're not from another planet, even if sometimes it might seem that way :)

I do have a question about your caution - why would the statement about son and grandson wanting grandma and daughter around be something that would cause a retaliation unless the DIL really was trying to get rid of MIL and SIL? As a former DIL I would have said, "D-uh, of course DH wants to be around his FOO! They're his family!"
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #17 on: April 15, 2010, 06:42:14 PM »
I have admitted eachtime that I was wrong (even when I thought I wasn't really, just wanted to keep my son and grandson), and eachtime I always explained why I said or did what I did.  About the gym membership, I told her later that I knew she was into fitness and working out and that she mentioned her sister in law who she thinks the world of works out there and I wanted to give her an outlet for any feelings of being closed in or stuck home with a baby all the time.  I said I knew the spa was good quality and that it included facials and massage and thought she deserved to be treated by me.  She told me she "heard" my apology, but clearly she did not accept it.  It is a real shame.  I told her how sad I was that I can not interact with grandson and she told me "well that is what happens" when me and my daughter have upset her so much.  I just wish I had the energy to tell you more hoops I am forced to jump through to see my family.......but I am sure you all know what is like to be on the outside.

1Glitterati

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #18 on: April 15, 2010, 07:54:34 PM »

Quote
My kids were most precious to me, and I understood that parents everywhere felt exactly the same way about their own children. It made it easier for me to see my ILs as well as my own parents as human beings who deserved consideration and respect. Don't forget that these old people had young lives before you met them.  We're not from another planet, even if sometimes it might seem that way :)

Pen...I realize that, to an extent...and I think most other people do, too.  I found that when I chose to do something and my mother poo poo'd it as unnecessary or she insisted I do something that I had read I shouldn't, or my ped said I shouldn't, or I just thought I shouldn't that I didn't like it.  I didn't like being told what to do and being expected to do it when I had already said that it wasn't recommended or I just didn't want to.  That didn't make me more understanding of my mom.  To be vulgar...it pissed me off.  When my kids were babies I didn't find the experience made me more understanding of my parents or his.  As the kids have gotten older...I see some things differently now and I am more understanding.  Some things...car seats just as an example...are non-negotiable and if they don't like it...tough.  My way or the highway.  (I use that as an example because my nearly 10 year old is still in a booster because of his height and weight.  And, he'll stay there until he passes the benchmarks.)

Quote
I do have a question about your caution - why would the statement about son and grandson wanting grandma and daughter around be something that would cause a retaliation unless the DIL really was trying to get rid of MIL and SIL? As a former DIL I would have said, "D-uh, of course DH wants to be around his FOO! They're his family!"

I can tell you that DIL--and prolly son based on op posting that son has told them they don't listen or change or understand--isn't going to receive it well.  I can just about bet that it will be perceived as ridiculous and crazy and that if she hasn't been told that she shouldn't assume it.  Something along those lines.  Even if it's true...it's going to cause further alienation.  My be is that it would be perceived as mean spirited, blaming everything on the dil, making out that son is a weak man controlled by an evil woman he is afraid of, etc.  Or, it could also be taken as mother in law making the outlandish claim that her son and grandson prefer her over dil.  I can't be sure exactly how it will be taken...but I'm pretty positive it wouldn't be well and it would lead to further visit restriction and even less communication.  I hope I came across as encouraging her to vent here...to have an outlet that wouldn't lead to more drama.

1Glitterati

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #19 on: April 15, 2010, 07:59:18 PM »
I have admitted eachtime that I was wrong (even when I thought I wasn't really, just wanted to keep my son and grandson), and eachtime I always explained why I said or did what I did.  About the gym membership, I told her later that I knew she was into fitness and working out and that she mentioned her sister in law who she thinks the world of works out there and I wanted to give her an outlet for any feelings of being closed in or stuck home with a baby all the time.  I said I knew the spa was good quality and that it included facials and massage and thought she deserved to be treated by me.  She told me she "heard" my apology, but clearly she did not accept it.  It is a real shame.  I told her how sad I was that I can not interact with grandson and she told me "well that is what happens" when me and my daughter have upset her so much.  I just wish I had the energy to tell you more hoops I am forced to jump through to see my family.......but I am sure you all know what is like to be on the outside.

I think it was a great gift.  Do you think she'd have behaved differently if there'd been a note saying that?  Or do you think she'd have been upset no matter what?

Is there any chance she has ppd?  I can tell you this...I had a horrible case after my second child.  It was so bad that everything angered me.  You could have told me the sun was shining and it was yellow and I would have thought you were the most horrible, mean, ugly, vile person ever.  I wasn't exactly rational for a while.  There wasn't anything that anyone could do right.  I felt like I had to do it all because everyone else was just screwing things up deliberately to make me mad or else they were screwing it up because they were the stupidest people I had ever met.  I couldn't even carry on a civil conversation with anyone.  Even the cat made me mad.

doormat

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #20 on: April 15, 2010, 10:02:22 PM »
Ok- so they weren't official announcements.  But you sent pictures, undoubtedly you included vital statistics (height, weight, etc.) and it sounds like it was a mass email, i.e. to a group of people.  So yeah, it was pretty much a de facto birth announcement.  To the point where, when the parents send out their own announcements, anyone who got yours will just go "Whatever, I already got this info" and move on.  The crux of it is, you stole their thunder.  If this was the only thing that had happened at that point and you apologized sincerely, without casting blame at anyone else, then, sure, forgiveness could have been feasible at that point.

You said they accused you of pestering them.  That you asked repeatedly to be at the hospital.  Well, if you asked 3+ times, asking the same thing over and over and they're saying "no" each time, then yes, that is pestering.  Like glitterati said, plenty of new parents just want some time to bond with their own babies without interruption.

The gym membership.... wow.  Considering the other things that had already taken place, there's just no way this could have gone well.  You may as well as dropped off some girdles and a case of slimfast shakes. 

Just one more thing.  You've said that you apologized each time you were wrong, even if you didnt  feel you needed to.  Did you apologize with true sincerity, or did you say "I'm sorry that you're upset", then kept on doing the same things?  If you keep doing the same things over and over and yet expect a different result, I'm afraid you're just going to continue to be disappointed.

As far as the Christmas breakfast thing.  She may not be a morning person, I know I'm not.  You couldn't pay me to go to a holiday breakfast gathering.  Now, maybe they participated for a time with the understanding (between themselves) that once they had kids, they'd start their own traditions.  That's what we did.  Once DD was born, it was our turn to play Santa, have our own family time lounging in our pj's until the afternoon, just enjoying the morning.  It sounds like you still get to see them for the holidays, just not on your terms. 


doormat

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #21 on: April 15, 2010, 10:07:50 PM »


I do have a question about your caution - why would the statement about son and grandson wanting grandma and daughter around be something that would cause a retaliation unless the DIL really was trying to get rid of MIL and SIL? As a former DIL I would have said, "D-uh, of course DH wants to be around his FOO! They're his family!"

Because if you're telling your friends and relatives about how awful your DIL is, then how is your DIL supposed to believe that you're not also trashing her to her kids?  It's natural to distance yourself from people who say awful things about you.  How is she supposed to trust that she can leave her kids with you when it appears that as soon as she is out of earshot, you're complaining about her?

Yes, they are his family of origin, but his immediate family is now his wife and child.

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #22 on: April 16, 2010, 10:23:58 AM »
I do not bad mouth my daughter in law to my family even when they do it, I tell them she is young let her be, etc.  When my daughter talks about her I tell her "your brother chose her for his wife she is your sister now we have to learn to make it work it is not a choice"  But I do talk a few friends on the outside of the family for support and they do not move in the same circles so it never gets back to her or my son.  I feel that is ok to do to talk to ladies I went to high school with about my family and my life and to let it out, with people that do not know her.  I have held my tongue so many times when others were telling me she was awful I found nice things to say about her.
I do not want to be the mommy of anyone anymore that is over for me I am too old and I could never do it again.  And I like having my small comfy home with out toys everywhere.  It makes me sad for us that we do not get to visit with them much.  Once they got serious and I saw that her family comes first I told them if you want to spend the holidays with her family that is fine you are grown, but we can do breakfasts here for each holiday that way everyone can visit eachother and then they have the entire rest of the day to spend with her family.  I was trying to give a little, but now it is too hard on them they said and they spend it all with her family and only come to us a week later.  It is sad to be treated like that when I have tried to do nice things and accept their holiday wishes.  No matter what I do respect their age and family status, I just want to be the grandma not the old witch

Offline Pen

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #23 on: April 16, 2010, 10:26:47 AM »
I agree!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

RedRose

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #24 on: April 16, 2010, 11:14:34 AM »
bettylou,

I  think you are doing everything you  can possibly do to have a good relationship with your dil.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #25 on: April 16, 2010, 01:52:57 PM »
Bettylou, my XH and I divorced when DS was very small, and from then on we ended up having 2 each holiday.  One was on the holiday itself, and invariably with my son being at XHs.  I was not welcome at those, since he saw it as an infringement of his visitation time with DS.  Depending on the holiday and everyone's schedules, the other was a week or so before or after, and was with me and my parents.  I don't think we ever got to see DS on the actual day of the holiday, and he's 16 now.  We still had a wonderful time with him, and made just as much of a fuss as if it had been the calendar holiday.  DS loved it, because it spread the holiday out more, and what kid doesn't love the idea of 2 birthdays.   :)

I was initially really upset about not getting official holidays w/DS, and it took me a couple of years to get comfortable with it.  My parents were much quicker in getting there, which made everything easier.  In the end, we still had Christmas and Easter and all the happy memories that went with those times.  The specific day they happened on no longer mattered.

If you can get to a point where you can look forward to seeing your DS and his family on whatever day they can come, rather than feeling disappointed because it wasn't on the holiday itself, I think you will ease a lot of your own hurt.   
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Offline Pen

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #26 on: April 17, 2010, 12:00:55 AM »
That's true, Elsie, we don't need to put so much emphasis on the actual day. However, if the feeling that's projected by those who have dictated the schedule is "The real deal was with DILs/MILs family on the real day, and this is a meaningless pity visit" it can be very hurtful. When we don't see DS & DIL at Christmas and then get a fly-by as an afterthought it isn't the same as having a celebration where everyone is involved in sharing happy times with each other.

Of course, in some cases it won't be happy no matter what day it's on; maybe we should save our money and effort and go away for the holidays, alone or with someone who really wants to be with us...Creme does that and loves it!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2010, 12:06:23 AM »
Once my husband got sent out of state for the holidays and me and daughter flew down to see him and surprise him it was so much fun.  That really cheered us up eventhough we were not with son or grandson for the holidays, but we can not do that every year, some years we host my sister and her family too. 

Offline Pen

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #28 on: April 17, 2010, 12:11:32 AM »
I wish you could do that more often, it sounds like a blast. I'm going to plan something fun for us to do this year; it doesn't have to cost a bundle, just be something special we can look forward to.

You've totally got it going on, Bettylou! Their loss.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #29 on: April 19, 2010, 06:04:30 AM »
I talkd to husband last night about how hard the last few holidays were on me when they were just the three of us at home, and he told me if that we can go to another city and stay in a hotel, nothing fancy but one with a holiday brunch, and decorations.  I will run this by daughter and see if she likes the idea too.  Better than watching tv all Christmas day I think.