Author Topic: not welcome around grandson  (Read 7732 times)

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bettylou

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not welcome around grandson
« on: April 15, 2010, 12:09:40 PM »
Well, as some of you ladies here are probably in the same boat, I will share with you why I am not allowed to be around grandson anymore.  Did I abuse him?  No way!  Did I neglect him?  Nope.  But I was accused of so many things that are just not true! 
Because I wanted to be at the hospital and asked more than once if I could, I was accused of pestering.  My punishment for being "pushy" wa not even being called to be told about his birth til the next day then being told when I could come down and see him.  When I got there I was so excited to meet him and see my son, I asked to hold him and was blown off twice.  Finally when I did hold him for the first time, he opened his eyes and we looked at eachother.  I was so excited and overjoyed about this and felt it was a special connection.  I went home and sent a very nice email to my side of the family anouncing him.  I made sure to include the baby's parents in the email ofcourse and boy did I pay for that one!  I was told that I stole the parent's right to anounce their child when they saw fit to do so.  What are they Brad and Angelina?  Why is it a secret?  I emailed no on in Daughter in Laws family or their friends, just my family members.  I was told that since I felt I had a special bond with grandson, that I must be trying to be the mom and trying to take over and obsessed.  That was very hurtful but I guess it put me in my place.  I did not ever send out any pictures again.  When Christmas rolled around I was also pushed away and forgotton again.  Since daughter in laws family comes first for all the holidays and I still have a younger daughter at my house we have always done an Xmas breakfast so they are free to do what they wish the rest of the time, but now that gs was born I was told no more breakfast they would always stay home in the morning and do their own things.  I gave a gift to gs and put from Santa on it, that was big mistake , I was told that is the parents job not mine.  I was accused of going overboard once more.
I thought I learned eachtime I was chewed out but no matter what I did for my own grandchild it was wrong on my part.  I miss him and my son so much they only live ten minutes away.  I am so sad

Offline Pen

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2010, 12:34:02 PM »
This is sad, Betty. It doesn't sound to me like you overstepped bounds, but apparently DIL feels differently. I have a feeling it will be that way for me, too, when the time comes (DS says he'll stick up for us, but I can see where it's going.) There are many GPs and DILs here who have had experience with this, and I'm sure they'll weigh in. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2010, 12:42:34 PM »
The problems I have been accused of causing hurt me, and I always say I am so sorry, How can I fix it?  May I have another chance?  I will try again.  It is always my son that calls me or emails me with the accusations, Daughter in Law will not talk to me at all about anything.  I say I am sorry or I do not understand I have asked to speak to her on the phone at these times and she is either sleeping or not home.  I offer to call her and he says no just leave it alone.  I wrote her a letter once saying how sad I was that I could not have a normal relationship with my grandson anymore and she showed her to all her friends and family and I saw them making light of it on her facebook page.  I was very hurt and I mentioned it to my son.  He talked to her about it and her revenge was to block me from viewing any photos she has up of my son and grandson but made sure I could still see all the nasty remarks.  I am so sad over this,  my daughter just wants to be an aunty but because she has the bad luck of being too young and having to live at my home she never sees grandson either and my son never offers to do any of the fun stuff they used to do with her.  Daughter in law told my son that my daughter was being too rough with grandson and was too young to babysit him after daughter had completed cpr and red cross babysitting training in order to do so.  She has torn my family up so bad and is laughing about it while we cry for our son and grandson

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2010, 01:34:33 PM »
It hurts my feelings so much that they do this stuff to me and I also hurt so much for my young daughter.  She asks me all the time why is daughter in law like this?  When can she babysit?  Why don't they take her places anymore?  Why didn't they call her for her birthday?  I am so tired of it all.  She has told me she blames my daughter in law for it all and does not like her anymore.  It is so sad.  She used to have the best big brother.
Sons are the key?  Not my son, when I ask him straight forward questions like "do you think I am lying?  do you think your sister is lying?"  He only answers with things like "I am trying to stand up for my wife....she is my wife......I have to believe my wife....we have talked about this before.....you need to hear me out et."  He is totally under her spell.  I call him and ask when we can see grandson and all he ever says is " we are so busy I will check with wife"  then he never calls back or he says "wife just told me this weekend is no good for visits etc."  It is always the same thing day in and out.  My husband just says to me to move on and forget the way they act.  But it is not easy, I am a mother!  I want to be a grandmother!  I know my grandson loves me and my daughter and wants us.  How can writing from Santa on the first Christmas package that he could not even read by the way make me a monster?  How can sending out pictures of my grandchild make me so cruel.?  I have friends and family that tell me I am nice and caring how can she not see that?

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2010, 02:06:47 PM »
My daughter was 14 they told her she could babysit later on if she took some classes as she had never been around any infants before.  She was so excited and into it.  She went to the library to sign up for classes the next day.  She made sure she could get to and from classes and not miss any.  She did Red Cross and then from the American Heart Assosciation she got learned infant and child cpr.  She came home and was so proud of herself.  She called son who did his usual"hmmmmmmmmm that's nice I will talk to wife about this one."  I think he already knew the answer was no but did not want to say so.  He called me back instead of my daughter and told me not her, that wife said she was much too young to care for grandson.  She said her mom and and her sister in law do not have jobs and she gets all the free babysitting from them she could want plus her sister in law had a her own baby the same age and wouldn't be great if the two babies grew up togethor?  Give me a break my daughter just wants to be an aunt.  Dil had the baby sleeping the baby seat on the deck and my daughter picked him up and held him when she was standing in the pool in our yard, he did not get wet at all our pool is small.  Daughter in law said give him to me now and snatched him up.  She later told my son that "newborns do not go swimming in cold pools full of chlorine the day after a rain storm"  that I was not watching what my daughter did that grandson was not a toy for my kid.  She is so hateful to my side of the family.  None of are good enough.  I hate this life.

1Glitterati

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2010, 02:24:52 PM »
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Because I wanted to be at the hospital and asked more than once if I could, I was accused of pestering.  My punishment for being "pushy" wa not even being called to be told about his birth til the next day then being told when I could come down and see him
.

First time around we let both sets of parents know when we went to the hospital...told them we'd call them when the baby got there.  Dh's parents came a visited briefly while I was in labor and then went home.  My parents came the next evening (I was still in labor) and my mother held my hand during delivery because frankly all I wanted at that point was my mom.  I can honestly say that I would have been uncomfortable knowing that tons of people were waiting in the lounge.  Like I was a circus animal that everyone was waiting to watch perform.  I was in labor for well over a day with my first child, I would have felt terrible to think people were sitting in the delivery room the whole time.

Second child my mother drove me to the hospital while dh drove child number 1 to a sitter.  I don't think he even called his parents.  I do remember that they did not come to visit at the hospital.  That was all my husband...I had no part in that decision.  I didn't particularly care whether anyone one was there other than my dh and my mom.

Some couples just want it to be a moment between themselves.  They don't want to share the labor and delivery and first few hours of their new childs life with anyone else.  Some couples are okay and the more the merrier.  It's all up to the couple...and frankly, since the woman has to physically give birth, I think her wishes should be paramount.

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Finally when I did hold him for the first time, he opened his eyes and we looked at eachother.  I was so excited and overjoyed about this and felt it was a special connection.  I went home and sent a very nice email to my side of the family anouncing him.  I made sure to include the baby's parents in the email ofcourse and boy did I pay for that one!


I think you probably do feel like you have a special connection.  And, you may.  No problem with that.  I think where the trouble started was announcing it.  I don't think there's any way most women riding on waves of postpartum hormones---especially if it's a first baby, are going to take that well.  And, frankly, it is the parents right to make the birth announcement.  I can see where your son and dil might have felt their toes were stepped on.  Again...goes back to that personal preference/new parent thing and wanting those firsts for yourself as a new parent.

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Xmas breakfast so they are free to do what they wish the rest of the time, but now that gs was born I was told no more breakfast they would always stay home in the morning and do their own things.

I know that hurts...but they are a new little nuclear family and want to make some of their own traditions.  Are they making time later on in the day to be with you?

Do you think things would improve if you asked before you did something?  I'm not using a sarcastic tone or being mean.   Your son and dil seem to have no trouble talking about it if there is something they don't like---and your feelings get hurt.  Maybe if you knew where the mines in the field were you could avoid them?

1Glitterati

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2010, 02:26:42 PM »
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Daughter in law told my son that my daughter was being too rough with grandson and was too young to babysit him after daughter had completed cpr and red cross babysitting training in order to do so.



I may be in the minority here...I'll shout out to ask the other dil's, but I wouldn't let a teenager sit my infant.  Even with a Red Cross babysitting course.  A two or three year old?  Yes.  An infant?  No.  Never.  To me it's a huge safety issue.

1Glitterati

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2010, 02:29:32 PM »
What happened to Doormat's post?

doormat

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2010, 02:37:44 PM »
What happened to Doormat's post?

LOL...sorry I hit post too soon, then realized it was quite incomplete.

Here I go--

So, you essentially sent out birth announcements to your side of the family without consulting the parents.

Yeah, that would warrant a large amount of hostility from pretty much every mom-friend I know.

I also don't have teenage babysitters.  I don't care who certified her.  Isn't it usually the GPs who are arging about how valuable life experience is? 

DH's GPs completely ignored my plea to give us some time to adapt and barged in on me trying to learn to breatfeed.  The lactation consultant looked at me like "Who on earth are these people ??"  I was quite stunned, especially considering GMIL is a retired RN and should have known better.  But she didn't care, because she wanted to hold the baby and dang it no one was going to stop her.  (Think again....).

Offline Pen

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2010, 03:00:11 PM »
I didn't get that she'd sent out official birth announcements, just that she'd emailed some people on her side of the family. Official birth announcements, no - as a mom I'd want to take care of that myself. Being excited and telling some relatives and friends? What's the big deal?

We have all been mothers (well, except for Kirk and the FIL who used to post here.) Let's not forget that  :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2010, 03:24:06 PM »
Hi Bettylou!  Welcome!  I have to say that when I had my children, things were different. We took picutres, had to have them developed and then everyone could see them.  The hospital took some and we waited for those also, but as parents, I did hand out pictures as soon as we had them.

Now pictures can be taken and sent out right away.  I'm not sure that I would have liked that either, especially with my first.  Things are just different now than they used to be.  I'm wouldn't be sure that it was the email your DIL was upset about, as much as the first pictures coming from you.  To me, the pictures would have been personal as the mother of my very first baby.  I'm not sure this is it, but it's what I would suspect. 

I hope this helps in some way.  I know you can't go back, but you may still be able to talk to your son and apologise if that is the issue.

I'm happy your here and hope all this works itself out! 

bettylou

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2010, 03:37:21 PM »
I did not send out any official anouncements by mail from my son or daughter in law.  I sent an email with two photos to my side of the family.  These were not pesky nasty people who were out to get daughter in law and her baby, these are the people she let me invite to her baby shower and throw expensive gifts her way.  I had to provide all the names and addresses for her for the shower then resend them all as she had "lost" them when it was time to do thank you cards. 
This email was not the first or the last time I had upset her or hurt her so deeply she can not be around for a long time.  I have said I was sorry over and over again.  Has her mother never made her upset and said sorry?  No one is perfect.  I am a grown woman I owned up to making people upset and tried to move on.  When I stopped over to bring her a gift not for the new baby but for the new baby it was clear I was interrupting her and her mother's time with baby and she did not even look at me or my gift she took baby upstairs with her and left me to stare at her mother.  When she did open the gift it was yet another thing I did wrong to hurt her feelings and make her feel bad.  It was not!  I got her a gym membership!  This gym has a spa and a pool and I even offered to watch baby when she went as much as she wanted.  I was told I must think she is fat and expect her to lose weight quickly and rushed her to get skinny.  And that I only did it so she would leave baby with me it was all a trick on my part.  Yeah right.  Everything is a fight not one thing has been accepted nicley with out any offense.  The wedding gifts we gave were called cruel and I was accused of trying to get revenge on them for not having my daughter in the wedding it was not true.  I cant do anything right neighter can my daughter.  As far ass my daughter being too young that is their choice it is their baby not mine, but they should have been honest I am not upset at the decision just the delivery of it.  Do you know what I mean?

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2010, 04:16:21 PM »
Doormat, I wasn't comfortable hiring teens with my babies either, but in the case of a family member or close friend I would set up opportunities for them to sit with adult supervision such as, "I have some housework I must get done; could you watch the baby while I work?" or I had the baby go to the teen's house with her mother (my good friend) present. That way the teen felt important and had time with the baby, learned sitting skills in a controlled environment, and I was confident that all was well.

Betty, you said that your DIL & DS said that your daughter could babysit after she got her certifications. If they had no intention of having a teenager sit for them they should not have led her to believe that she would be able to. To me that's manipulation.

On Oprah today they were talking about husbands who control and abuse their wives. In one case they quoted the man as saying, "You're married to me now. I own you." I think that belief is held by some wives towards their husbands as well. My DH and I both feel that our DS is DIL's property to be made over and molded to her high standards. Since we don't fit her vision for him, we're not acceptable.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cocobars

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2010, 04:58:15 PM »
I did not send out any official anouncements by mail from my son or daughter in law.  I sent an email with two photos to my side of the family.  These were not pesky nasty people who were out to get daughter in law and her baby, these are the people she let me invite to her baby shower and throw expensive gifts her way.  I had to provide all the names and addresses for her for the shower then resend them all as she had "lost" them when it was time to do thank you cards. 
This email was not the first or the last time I had upset her or hurt her so deeply she can not be around for a long time.  I have said I was sorry over and over again.  Has her mother never made her upset and said sorry?  No one is perfect.  I am a grown woman I owned up to making people upset and tried to move on.  When I stopped over to bring her a gift not for the new baby but for the new baby it was clear I was interrupting her and her mother's time with baby and she did not even look at me or my gift she took baby upstairs with her and left me to stare at her mother.  When she did open the gift it was yet another thing I did wrong to hurt her feelings and make her feel bad.  It was not!  I got her a gym membership!  This gym has a spa and a pool and I even offered to watch baby when she went as much as she wanted.  I was told I must think she is fat and expect her to lose weight quickly and rushed her to get skinny.  And that I only did it so she would leave baby with me it was all a trick on my part.  Yeah right.  Everything is a fight not one thing has been accepted nicley with out any offense.  The wedding gifts we gave were called cruel and I was accused of trying to get revenge on them for not having my daughter in the wedding it was not true.  I cant do anything right neighter can my daughter.  As far ass my daughter being too young that is their choice it is their baby not mine, but they should have been honest I am not upset at the decision just the delivery of it.  Do you know what I mean?
I'm sorry bettylou and I do understand what you're saying, absolutely!  I am not sure that I would find that offensive or not, but what I've come across today is that things have so drasticaly changed since we had our children, that we need to be careful.  That's all I was trying to get across.  I believe your DIL is "in love" with her baby and may be very protective (to an overprotective fault).  As a mother, all I'm saying is to think about the changes there have been since we had our babies.  I don't know your age, but I'm 55.  I can say that when I had my "first," pedofiles weren't easily accesible through the internet (as they are now).  Now I can go on the internet and do a search through Mad Dog and find all the pedofiles and rapists in my area (pictures, addresses and offenses), and this information is free.  If your DIL has any bad experiences in her past, or even close calls, she could be extremely paranoid.  Also, don't forget the fact that some women have post partum depression differently than others.  I don't know the age of your GC, but this ppd can last for up to a year in some cases. 

I think the world (because of the internet) has become much more scary for mothers today, as opposed to when we had children.  The internet and the news stations are full of stories about mothers having their belly cut open and babies stolen.  Nothing may have changed since we had our sons and daughters, other than the internet.  This is a scary world for a mother and the informations is much more graphic than it used to be.  I believe if I had a baby this day and age, I would probably react in some of the same ways.  If you can reach a place where you can just look back and compare the diffence between when you had your son, and now, I hope this will help you understand the difference in the way your DIL may be thinking. 

I believe she is in love with her husband and her baby.  The internet age of information is at our fingertips now.  This may be something to understand, but I'm not really sure if this is what she's going through.  I just wish you could talk privately to your son and find out where their thinking is at.  You may find that they are simply being too overprotective.  Then that would be another milestone to cross...

I am not blaming you, but simply trying to understand what your DIL may be going through.  I also believe (from my own experiences with my son) that your son loves you still with all his heart, but as her husband he is standing by her side and being a good husband.  Just like you raised him to be.  I'm hoping you can find a place to meet halfway and talk respectfully to eachother so you can both understand more and come to an agreement that makes everyone smile!

Sending many more hugs...

1Glitterati

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Re: not welcome around grandson
« Reply #14 on: April 15, 2010, 05:01:02 PM »
I would agree that it was a poor way to deal with the situation with son and dil saying if you take this course you can babysit when they had no intention of doing so.  I think they probably thought things would blow over and the issue would go away.

I was especially protective of my first child...still so with my second...but not as much.  If my mil had sent out pictures of my children and announced their birth before dh and I had a chance to do so...I probably would not have taken it well.  It doesn't matter that they are "family".  Your dil may not consider your family her family.  [I can tell you since the blow down with my inlaws I have come to think of them very differently.  They are family to dh and our kids--not to me.  Their actions proved that.  I no longer consider them family and never will again.  Not them, not dh's sister, not the extended family....none of them.  I'm just the woman who married a relative of theirs.]

I can see where you thought a gym membership was a nice gesture...especially since it had a spa.  Were you able to include a note with it?  Something like...so you can relax and be pampered?  I think many new mother still hormonally charged, sleep deprived, and sporting a jelly belly might believe being given a gym membership was calling her fat.  I can see where you didn't intend that...but I can also see how it was received as that.

I would caution you about using phrases such as I know my son and grandson want me and my daughter around---dil's the problem.   I know that is your perception.  If you utter that phrase anywhere but a place like this---say to friends or family or your son---and it gets back to your dil (and it most likely will) then you'll likely find your visits further restricted.  And you'll most likely find your son supporting her.

I'll be real...new parents are selfish.  We want the baby to ourselves.  We want to do it ourselves.  We want to see all the firsts.  We want to do what our pediatrician says---not our mil or our mother.  We want to do things with our kids that maybe you didn't---like co-sleep, or not cry it out, or not do solids until after 6 or 9 months or breastfeed for year or this or that.   We're super careful about carseats and all the new safety gadgets (even if some of them are silly---we do realize it later), and we get upset if you don't cut the grapes or the hotdogs into quarters.  Some of this is silly stuff and some of it is for a good reason.    So, I think I'm being honest when I say gp's are not necessarily first and foremost in many new parents minds---as far as what the gp's want or think.

I also think that many of us 40 and under grew up with different ideas about things.  I think in many ways we put up with less and are less forgiving.  And, I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing.  We aren't as willing to put up with and put up with and put up with things that bother us.  Now...I do realize that some people take this to extremes and push people out over rather inconsequential things...but I honestly see no reason to spend a lot of time with people I don't like or who make me miserable.  [Now that my grandmother has passed, I haven't spoken to my dad's side of the family in about 10 or 12 years.  They are mean people.  My kids don't even know they exist.]

I didn't mean to make such a long post!   :-[