Author Topic: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?  (Read 3843 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

cocobars

  • Guest
How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« on: April 13, 2010, 11:56:11 PM »
Just my thoughts.  I really miss this site and the "feeling" that used to be here.  We invited the DIL's here (and wisely so) to help us, help them, help all of us awaken to a new outlook in our own relationships.  I saw "miracle" possibilities here.  What happened to us?  What happened to the understanding and supportive site I loved so well and looked forward to each day?  Can nobody tame their own tongue long enough to listen?  All of us have something to say, but I truly believe listening is the real secret...

Please leave your ideas here.  I'm sure there are many good ones.  Can we tweak them and come up with some things to help us hold our tempers?

Have you ever noticed that when you hold your temper, the next day things aren't as bad as they appeared???

Postscript

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2010, 12:17:52 AM »
Coco I'm so glad you've come back, you really are a "hero" member.  If it weren't for your willingness to listen and understand, I am sure there would be less dils here.  I'm just sorry at what it took for you to come back.

In my work I study people and their behavior and come to conclusions based upon a limited amount of knowledge.  These conclusions form the basis of the actions I take for resource deployment, which leads to apprehensions and prosecutions if I do my job right.  I have to weigh up the scenarios I am presented, ask the right questions and lives depend on me doing what I do and I am very good at it.

That is probably why I tend to appear interrogative and why I persist in seeing two sides to every story.  I tend to go for the "jugular" in my quest to get to the nitty gritty of a situation.  I'm sorry if that is off putting to some, I can see how it could be and I will try and temper my responses.

I do however, believe I have something to offer here.



Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4398
    • View Profile
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2010, 01:31:55 AM »
This site is too precious to lose. I think we all need to see the readers here as human beings just like us with legitimate feelings & issues. We need to use a polite and kind tone when addressing each other.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

jkm426

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2010, 04:26:31 AM »
Disgruntled DIL have so many site to choose from... We MIL's have very few options.  I have wanted to keep this a MIL bashing free zone.  A place where we can complain about out DIL's and get the support we(as MIL's) desperately need.  If that is not always warm and fuzzy...be it.

                                                       Just My 2 cents

Sassy

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2010, 05:16:18 AM »
We can all understand each other peacefully if we use "Wise Women Unite" for the reasons it was created, in the spirit in which it was created, to discuss actual relationships, and how love and understanding can heal them, and/or heal our hearts.  As they say, keep it real.

I don't understand using this site as a platform to create manufactured drama among strangers. 

I really don't understand creating manufactured drama elsewhere and using this site to basically throw a pity party lamenting how cruel a day's work creating the hate drama
elsewhere has been.

Support is support.  I, and probably 99% of the women here, are willing to help anyone heal a wound, if they can think of a way to do it. 
But this place is not a litter box, and don't ask us to help bury your droppings.

For a few days I tried to remember "if you don't like what someone posted, just pass on replying" and kept coming back here hoping to spot a clear space to work through some REAL (not manufactured stranger) issues.  Now I feel like maybe if I spoke up earlier when I saw the droppings, and Luise's directives being trampled on, it wouldn't have come to this.

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2010, 05:55:39 AM »
This site is too precious to lose. I think we all need to see the readers here as human beings just like us with legitimate feelings & issues. We need to use a polite and kind tone when addressing each other.

Thank you so much Pen.  That's the thing that I agree with so much.  I hate to see this site being so negative.  Can't we "strive" to be understanding toward all our members here?  We are all mothers.  That is a commonality we all share and a very loving and respectful one too. 

This site has changed and evolved into what it is now and I felt we were laying an understanding foundation.  We were a MIL site.  Luise changed the name of this site because she saw the evolution taking place and believed it was a very wise direction.  I agree with that and I was proud to see the "very wise" change.  I left because I felt I was being unfairly attacked and blamed for things that "were not me."  I do believe this is still a site for MIL's, but we have added DIL's, FIL's and even Martians (stole that from you clover!) to our group.  I see that as an expansion of who we were, and something to be proud of.  Progress... This is where I felt we were better, different from the other site, and most of the time (at least for me) I find when I stop looking for trouble, it escapes me.  When I change my view (I call it changing my mind) and begin striving to see everyone in a positive and accepting way, I become more accepting in their eyes.  And when I really try to understand someone, it usually works.  Amazing...

We have something offered that no other site has - MIL's and DIL's who can all come together and discuss their views respectfully and caringly.  I believe that can be a solid foundation.  "The other site" does have some women there who are confrontational with MIL's.  But we have the reverse side of the coin.  If all the women at WWU found a common ground and addressed eachother with nothing more than the "effort" of respect and understanding, we would be much more ahead of the e-world, and I believe we would have the safe and understanding place we once did, only with more perspectives and views to understand.  To me that means someone, somewhere is going to have the perspective that is helpful to me!  And what a miracle that is. The other site does portray bad pictures and words in association with MIL's.  I would ask everyone on  WWU why on earth we would want to become those horrible things they portray?  Aren't we claiming we are better because of our understanding and compassion?  I'm somewhere in the middle here and not sure anymore that I lean on any side except the side of being human.  Yes that's it - I am on the side of human beings. 

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but cant' we strive to be positive and caring with our responses?  Telling me I don't have problems because I have a daughter is disrespectful to me, and I took that as a slap.  Especially in light of the problems I've had with her.  More women are coming through with daughter's.  Why are so many writing PM's to me instead of posting?

I don't want this to be a site for "Just mother's of sons," or Just mother's who don't want DIL's around so they can vent.  I thought we outgrew that?  Did we?  Can we invite DIL's or mother's of daughter's sincerely and with honesty? 

I'm sorry this is so long winded.  What I'm trying to say is that we need everyone here and disrepecting eachother, backbiting or steering through PM's isn't helping us as the support group we claim to be.  It is hindering our growth as a whole.  Can we make an agreement to say "ONLY" positive things in our replies?  If we don't agree with someone, skip that topic and move to the next.  It's not as if we don't have enough things here to discuss, but we have everyone here that we love and don't want to hurt, right?

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2010, 06:12:03 AM »
Coco I'm so glad you've come back, you really are a "hero" member.  If it weren't for your willingness to listen and understand, I am sure there would be less dils here.  I'm just sorry at what it took for you to come back.

In my work I study people and their behavior and come to conclusions based upon a limited amount of knowledge.  These conclusions form the basis of the actions I take for resource deployment, which leads to apprehensions and prosecutions if I do my job right.  I have to weigh up the scenarios I am presented, ask the right questions and lives depend on me doing what I do and I am very good at it.

That is probably why I tend to appear interrogative and why I persist in seeing two sides to every story.  I tend to go for the "jugular" in my quest to get to the nitty gritty of a situation.  I'm sorry if that is off putting to some, I can see how it could be and I will try and temper my responses.

I do however, believe I have something to offer here.

Postscript, thank you for the compliment.  I just wanted to add that I believe the fact that you do have the ability to see "too sides to every story" may be extremely helpful here at this site!  Maybe not "going for the jugular" though!  LOL!  I've been impressed with your understanding and support here and I hope you will hang in and continue to help us, and help you in that process.

I hope everyone will, and I believe if every woman here tries, we can get that back.

Marilyn

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2010, 06:13:58 AM »
I agree with every thing you say Coco,when i first found this site i was overwhelmed with appreciation.I couldn't believe the compassion and understanding i found here,just what i truely needed.

I haven't been posting in a while,i have been just reading and not responding.I have been busy with other things,but felt this site had changed,just didn't understand what happened.

This site has been a blessing for so many,i know it has been for me.

doormat

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2010, 06:42:08 AM »
Two things happened that pretty much poisoned everything:

-- Despite numerous requests to never do it again, a woman here bashed a post from "the other site".

-- Practically in the same breath, same woman posted a message intended to do nothing but bait the posters at the aforementioned other site.

Then cried victim when, not surprisingly, posters from the other site were offended and reacted in such a way.

So, to answer your question:

-Understand that LOTS of people have IL problems as well as family problems and they need to do whatever is necessary to cope with that, including but not limited to cut off.

-Don't drag posts from other sites here.

-Don't post inflammatory messages there.

-And if you do post such messages there, don't act surprised and baffled and claim you meant no harm.  That's like jumping into a lake and getting mad you got wet.

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2010, 06:59:01 AM »
In the course of our lives, no one but no one, is going to be able to live up to our expectations and do, say and be who we think they should be.  I've been trying so hard to relay this message.

Personally, and, I shouldn't have to say this, however, I will again...I mean no one here any insult...not one iota, and please I'm begging you, work with me here...Coco, you have left this site 3 times, once because I wrote you and asked you if I did something wrong, and I asked you if you were taking my posts in a negative manner, because I thought you were replying in a negative manner...that's all, I wanted to work with you, and I wasn't angry hurt or anything, simply asking you if, and why and suggested that maybe I was wrong. 

I honestly do not see any negativity here...honest I don't, and I'm pleading with you to understand, we must all understand, no one is going to say what we want them to say all of the time...sometimes, they may say things that hurt our feelings, and they don't mean to, that is simply the way they are...and no one here is going to be able to say things that please you all of the time...this is a support forum and everyone is going to have different opinions...sometimes people are going to say things in anger, fear, hurt, whatever...and you have to learn to let it simply roll off our backs sometimes, instead of limping out like a wounded puppy dog and not come back for a couple of days.

The other two times you left coco, I honest, and truthfully do not know why you left...these things are small things and if we all want to get along, and make this site a success, this is going to have to stop...we're going to have to stop taking everything so darn personally and stop, getting hurt if someone doesn't agree with everything we say or questions something we say....

I mean, it's getting to the point that I'm afraid to post for fear someone is going to not agree and either quit the forum, like I've been told people did, b/c of what or how I write, or huff off hurt and post things that are magnificed, in a fit of anger and hurt.

Now I'm sorry, very sorry if anyone's feelings are hurt here, I am...but if you really want this site to work, your going to have to understand, not everyone is going to agree with you all the time, and sometimes people are going to say things that your not going to like, and might even hurt, but we're all going to have to grow thicker skin and stop this foolishness.....

if you go to a counselor for help, he/she is not going to tell you what you want to hear, but the truth...and when you post something, people are going to tell you the truth of they're feelings...it doesn't mean, they meant to slap you in the face, they are simply stating, that, perhaps you don't understand, b/c you don't have a daughter, or things to that affect...and maybe you don't understand, or would understand better if you had one, or if you walked in this person's shoes.  I honestly don't believe coco, she meant to hurt you, but stated this matter of factly and your never going to be able to control what every one says and how they say it, but what you can do is control the way you take things...

Coco, I see you as the most significant part of the site, what more can I say...? 

Yanno, Coco, I've seen one huge change in Chickie since this site opened, she tries and tries and tries very hard to not only swallow what we all say to her, which I'm certain at times, it is very very difficult for her to do...but she has never posted things like, I'm leaving, I'm not welcome here, etc....she has made an extreme amount of progress here, and I honestly coco do not see negativity here...I don't....what I do see, is that your feelings get hurt b/c someone speaks openly and honestly and you storm off....you can't do that...are we in this for the duration?  For the distance or not?  In any relationship, even online relationships, we are never all going to agree all of the time, and sometimes things are going to be said, that we take wrong, b/c we can't see the faces of the ones talking to us...however, just b/c this situation has happened to you coco, and the woman who challenged you was a DIL, doesn't mean what your implying...she simply defended herself the best way she could...

This type of thing is going to happen...so please, please please, don't take them personal....while we are sensitive mothers, I've seen some women in here attack DIL's who first came in, b/c they were DIL's...and if we all can't admit, that we might be wrong sometimes...then, what good will we do anyone...we are not perfect or saints just b/c we're mothers, or we were the first one here at the site, or whatever...I'm very sorry, but sometimes, I think woman can be so brutal to each other....

so, I'm sorry and I apologize, if your feelings are hurt coco, I'm not in the least bit suggesting your not welcome here, your not a good fit, or anything even close to that....you posted this thread and I'm expressing my most honest and passionate feelings, merely feelings, not anger, I mean no harm...or hurt...

Gosh, what relationship have you ever been involved in, that both parties agreed 100% all of the time?
That is not life...life is easy, we humans make it difficult...

But, what I'm saying is, please, lets go the distance together...lets not love each other when it's easy to love each other, but also when it's hard to do...lets stop taking things so personal and not be afraid to speak the truth or our hearts...b/c we fear someone is going to get hurt and leave...please, please please, this is foolishness, and so not what this forum is about...

again, I love you coco, and so does everyone else....but you've got to let go of this idea that things are negative here b/c someone spoke to you in a way you didn't like...I'm sorry you took it that way, but I think your problem should be with her, and I'm suggesting to write her and talk it over instead of disrupting the whole forum and posting these things...I don't believe this forum is negative...I believe this forum is productive and helpful and has some of the nicest people in it, I've ever met, however, from time to time, we are not going to agree, and that's it...it isn't meant to hurt anyone, what it is, is a difference of opinion. 

I'm not here to have people agree with me, even if they think I'm wrong, I don't need my ego stroked...what I need is the truth...and when someone sees I'm saying or feeling something wrong, I want your support...not to side with me simply b/c of who I am, but I want the truth, even if it hurts...I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear...or agree with me b/c I'm wrong...I'm never going to grow or learn anything that way????  So, please lets stop this and keep moving forward and onward together....

that was yesterday, today is a new day, a  new dawn, lets forget it...bringing it up like this is really adding fuel to the fire, it's over with, we can't change it but we can learn from it...please lets do that...can we?


with all my love and concern

Creme
« Last Edit: April 14, 2010, 07:10:44 AM by cremebrulee »

Postscript

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2010, 07:27:41 AM »
Creme I have to agree and disagree with you.  It's true that we are not all going to agree 100% of the time, it's also true that our expectations won't always be met.  That's life.

I do however see Coco's point about the dismissive attitude towards mother's with daughters, it's pervasive and tiresome as is the constant refrain of oh they are all nice until they marry your son, then they'll throw you away, it's all over give up now.  It's off putting and doesn't encourage open minded discussion.  It would be the same as me saying, Oh you are a mil with dil problems, you wouldn't understand!  We all know that is not a true statement because I have received a lot of understanding, because once you understand my backstory, you don't see me as a daughter in law, you see me as a human being who has been treated badly.

As I see it, we all need to make a conscious effort to deal with the problem at hand, not the position in the family involved. 


cocobars

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2010, 07:35:11 AM »
I agree with you as far as honesty goes, Creme.  Sometimes people will say things we don't like, but when they are said with compassion and understanding, then those statements are usually accepted more readily and can be discussed.  I believe the PM you are referencing was lecturing me for expressing a difference in my view - because it didn't align with what you had said.  I won't go into the jest of what was said in those posts here, but this is exactly what I'm talking about.  If we are throwing blame at eachother, where are our members going to go, and will they stay?  But if we can find a place to understand and agree, then that's where I believe the changes can start.  I have to tell you that you may be right about Chickie not knowing how hurtful that was (then), but I did notice that I wasn't the only MIL who felt insulted.  I had been listening to the same comment for awhile and saw that it wasn't going t change.  The fact remains that pain is pain, and if someone here is going to disregard someone else's situation and make it insignificant (and that's how I felt), then I saw no reason to continue.   If the effort to be tactful and caring that is put in to many posts here, were also included in personal messages, then that problem may not exist.  It is exactly where I stand, and when I could see that I was being blamed for things I had not done, then yes - it was too much drama and I left.  Why would we do this to eachother?  Why would I stay for the "more" I felt may be down the road.  When I left did anything improve or did it get worse?

I would welcome working with anyone here on this site in a loving and caring way.  If we can't be loving and caring first, then our honesty will fall on deaf ears.  That's just my take and I realize it's not everyones.

Respect is truly a two way street.  In all honesty, did you expect me to stay and take more?  When I feel I'm being shown the exit, I usually follow through.  I'm not too hard to get rid of, and it took some emails and PM's before I would come back.  If that's something you disagree with, so be it.

I have read some very negative things.  At least they were to me.  I don't feel I was alone, no matter who tries to tell me I was.  Those are my thoughts and I just can't stand seeing this place torn to shreds like this. 

Creme, maybe you should read ALL the posts from last night, so you will understand at what point I came in.  I want us to respect eachother and I was very upset that Luise was in such a hard place for her and the women here hadn't even thought of her.  Even after she requested the arguing to stop.  She doesn't need all the arguing, but understanding right now, and this bickering is just selfish in my opinion.

Maybe we can all find a place of understanding that isn't coming across as an attack.  Whether that is for me, a DIL or a martian.  This would be nice, wouldn't it?

cocobars

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2010, 07:54:26 AM »
I'm not suggesting that anyone leave.  I'm suggesting that we have some respect and compassion for eachother.  This isn't about me, but about this site.  I don't believe it has anything to do with me leaving or how many times you have counted.  Yes, I left and took some well deserved breathers.  It may not be the last time...

Anyway, getting back to the purpose of this post, I feel it's important to hear everyone's feelings (everyone).  I also feel that if we are all trying, then we will get there.  I'm not expecting everything to be rosey all the time, but I do see that as a "new site called Wise Women Unite" we have to grow a little more as a group.  There will always be women who will be stuck in places that they need to be in, but what I would like to see is that the other women are allowed to grow and expand too!  That means everyone.  It isn't about me.

I guess what I'm asking is, what would it take for everyone here to accept all of the perceptions we have now as a group?  Even the ones we are not comfortable delving into?

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2010, 07:54:42 AM »
Creme I have to agree and disagree with you.  It's true that we are not all going to agree 100% of the time, it's also true that our expectations won't always be met.  That's life.

I do however see Coco's point about the dismissive attitude towards mother's with daughters, it's pervasive and tiresome as is the constant refrain of oh they are all nice until they marry your son, then they'll throw you away, it's all over give up now.  It's off putting and doesn't encourage open minded discussion.  It would be the same as me saying, Oh you are a mil with dil problems, you wouldn't understand!  We all know that is not a true statement because I have received a lot of understanding, because once you understand my backstory, you don't see me as a daughter in law, you see me as a human being who has been treated badly.

As I see it, we all need to make a conscious effort to deal with the problem at hand, not the position in the family involved.

Hi Postscript...thanks so much for your honesty...

I'd like to offer something if I may and this is for everyone...not all DIL's are bad people, and not all MIL's are bad people...however, I have noticed in this forum, people are not called upon when they post in general....I have been really reamed about doing that in other forums...it's a habit I have when I'm typing, to lazy to type, not all MIL's or DIL's are like this, or, I'm speaking in general...and I don't mean it to sound like all DIL's or MIL's.  I would hope, that we all know each other enough now, to understand, that when someone types that, they don't mean all DIL's are rotton, and when a DIL types in general, she doesn't mean she believes all MIL's are rotten...
am I making myself clear, I don't know if you'll understand what I'm trying to say here....but, we must not let things like that get to us...by thinking the author of the post really does believe all DIL's or MIL's are horrible people, they are not...

I hope as time goes by, we understand that....all of us...when we type we make typos and mistakes....however, another example of something small turning into something big...

I don't mean to make your complaint sound unimportant...and hope you see where I'm coming from....

yanno, it's all about perspectives, and how we view situations I think?  I know this was the case with my DIL...I cannot speak for her, but I can speak for me, and I know how I blew things way out of porportion, b/c of the sensitivity of the hurt and my very own perceptions...we perceived things wrong a lot of times....a lot of times...b/c we don't think and feel like anyone else, but what we as individuals know, how we grew up to believe...

I really didn't want to post in this thread, b/c I'm scared, scared that someone is going to take this wrong and become hurt, then angry and leave...I've been told that people have left this forum b/c of me, b/c I'm so straight forward and speak the truth of what I feel...I am as everyone else is very passionate about my beliefs...however, I really try not to allow little things bother me...and a lot of this stuff is small compared to lets say, an incurrable illness...we must learn to let things roll off our backs a little, unless someone really makes a personal attack...we also must remember, that when some people come in here, they are afraid, very afraid, but want to participate in the worst way, so they may sound defensive and aloof at first...lets try to understand that...and I'm not just talking to you, but everyone of us, lets practice and learn patience together, and remember, the only way we're going to learn is by listening, really listening and not getting hurt by the posts of others or take those posts as a personal attack against us...they are not meant that way...what it is, is, two people disagreeing....


Postscript

  • Guest
Re: How Can We All Understand Eachother Peacefully?
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2010, 08:15:43 AM »
I don't mean to make your complaint sound unimportant...and hope you see where I'm coming from....

I'm sorry but I don't see where you are coming from.  It all just sounds like a roundabout way of excusing thoughtless behavior on the part of a small minority.  I could be wrong and I am sure if I am, someone will tell me.  A concern has been expressed.  I think the best way forward is to acknowledge it and undertake to try and ensure it doesn't continue. 

Those who ignore history are bound to repeat it, so they say and to the best of my experience, the saying is true.  We now have an opportunity to reset and to carry on to participate in Luise's vision of what this forum should be.  I would like to do that and if having a little discussion about how we best set about it is the way to achieve that vision, I'm happy to participate.