Why does my son hate me?

[Janet]

I am not sure what is going on or why, but my son seems to hate me.   He is very critical of me in all things, the way I look, the way I cook, my home, things I say.  It just never ends.   He is also mean and critical to his sister and his girlfriend and he even said this weekend he hated his sister.  He is 27 and his my daughter is 21.   My son has a good job and lives out of state but does come home on the holidays.  These visits are never comfortable and I am happier when he has left.  I've always been a very involved mom and I've been there for every part of my children's life.  I never missed practice or games for any sports.  I was active in PTA.  Growing up his friends were always at our home and several of his friends called me mom.  My son's entire personality has changed and he is acting like someone I don't know.  He has never used drugs but does like to drink.  I don't know if he has some personality disorder that has developed over the last couple of years or what but he is now distant and cold to me, and as I said before, very critical and demeaning to me.   I have never done anything to hurt my son or make him feel alienated in any way.  Why does he hate me?  I am so hurt that I can't sleep.  I cry often and I feel so worthless.  What kind of a mother am I really if my son hates me?  How can I confront him with this without  putting a bigger divide between us?   I have thought about putting my thoughts to paper in the form of a letter and telling him that he is welcome in my home anytime but that it is expected for him to treat me with respect, value, and dignity and if he can't do that .... not to come back.  Would this be totally wrong for me to do it?   His girlfriend seems to care deeply for me and is so kind and loving towards me.  Should I get her involved and ask her to confront him?   I don't want to make him angry with her .   I should note that my son never calls me anymore... where he used to call me daily.   He does call my husband fairly often and they talk about sports and food.  Janet

[cocobars]

Hello Janet!  Welcome to your new circle of friends and your very own support system.  Your story is heartbreaking and I can see where it would upset you so much!  It's really hard to tell what your son is going through when he's living so far away from you right now.  I don't believe it is a reflection of what kind of mother you have been or are now, and still think he loves you very much!  If it were me, I would wonder more about what he may be going through.  I think your letter idea is a good one, without asking him to stay away.  I would write him a letter telling him how much I love him and how heartbroken I am that he is acting this way toward me.  In that letter, I would ask what I've done or said to him, to cause such a reaction.  I would be open with him about the nights you've spent crying over this situation and assure him that you love him dearly, and want to hear anything he has to say to you to help you understand him and what is causing this. 

This would be a very last resort:  Do you have a good enough relationship with his girlfriend to pull her aside privately and ask her if he has told her why he's so upset and hateful toward you and your daughter?  If he is going through something and she is close by, then she may be able to help you understand what that may be.  This may make her feel uncomfortable though and put in the middle.  He may have told her some things in confidence, that she can't tell you without breaking that trust.  I wouldn't want to get her too involved unless the letter didn't work out, because this may put her in a position that she doesn't appreciate either and could cause her to feel uneasy around you both.  In other words, I would go straight to the source - your son. 

Also, since he seems to be talking to your husband, you may want to see if your husband will step in on your behalf.  Sometimes I believe the "fathers" of our sons can ask things or have discussions with them that we can't.  Your son may confide in his father about things he is uncomfortable to say to you.

Janet.  Just know in your heart that you have done nothing wrong.  This sounds to me as though it is your son's situation and not something you have caused.  I wouldn't ask him not to come back.  At least not until I felt I had done everything I could to find and resolve the issues he seems to be having.  I believe you are a wonderful mother, Janet!  If you weren't, this wouldn't upset you to this degree!  You are going to get other's input as well as mine.  We are not experts here, but are mothers and Grandmothers just like you, who walked through this door here in allot of pain.  We are all here to support you through this...

Come back later and check your post here.  I believe you will see other women replying and caring about you too.  Just know in your heart that we understand what you are feeling and we're here.  Come through and post often, as often as you need!

Sending you lots of love and huge hugs!

[Janet]

Thank you Coco.  Just knowing there are other mothers out there that are going through these same feelings seems to help a little bit.  The pain in my heart is just unending though.   Thank you for the advice, it feels like the right thing to do.

[2chickiebaby]

Hi Janet and welcome...
I'm just guessing but just judging from the fact that he does talk to your husband about sports, etc., I'd say that he
doesn't want you to talk to him about anything personal, which he might be trying to hide. 

As Mothers, we're not much for small talk, at least I'm sure not.....and I think it's hard for sons who might be not quite
as happy as they look or, are trying to look.  They know we'll get it out of them; we can look at them or talk to them on the
phone and we'll know if he's not happy.

He might not be as happy as he wants you to think he is and doesn't want you to know....just a guess.

[Pen]

Welcome, Janet. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts deeply; I've been through this too, and I don't understand it either. Please be careful in dealing with FDIL; I'm sensing red flags there even though she seems very sweet. I hope she truly is, but just in case all is not well you don't want anyone using your honesty against you later. We had a similar situation; I thought "Yay! Finally someone is around who can point out to DS when he's crossing the line with me!" FDIL (now DIL) would stick up for me and call out DS when he started being critical towards me (cooking, looks, decor, job, age, etc.) Now it's different - she 's using it as fuel to distance DS from us, and he is now defending us (not as often as he should, but he has stuck up for us on occasion.) I don't know why he felt he had to put us down in the first place - like you, we did everything we could for him. He had a good childhood full of many experiences and much love.

[2chickiebaby]

Welcome, Janet. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it hurts deeply; I've been through this too, and I don't understand it either. Please be careful in dealing with FDIL; I'm sensing red flags there even though she seems very sweet. I hope she truly is, but just in case all is not well you don't want anyone using your honesty against you later. We had a similar situation; I thought "Yay! Finally someone is around who can point out to DS when he's crossing the line with me!" FDIL (now DIL) would stick up for me and call out DS when he started being critical towards me (cooking, looks, decor, job, age, etc.) Now it's different - she 's using it as fuel to distance DS from us, and he is now defending us (not as often as he should, but he has stuck up for us on occasion.) I don't know why he felt he had to put us down in the first place - like you, we did everything we could for him. He had a good childhood full of many experiences and much love.

Penstamen,
I agree......so true.  Be very careful with the FDIL.  They are always nice at first. 

[cocobars]

Actually Janet, I hope you come back through and read all of these posts.  I regret including talking to your sons girlfriend at all and wish I had just left it off.  Even though I said that would be a last resort, I have heard so many stories from women here about the son's girlfriends marrying and then turning on them, that I think better now of including her and I hope you come back through and see everything.

I still think the letter is a good idea, and a talk from hubby...

We're still here Janet.  Come back and keep us updated. 

Yes, your son loves you! I believe you are going to find that out again too.  He just seems to be going through something right now. Sending you love and some well needed hugs! 

[Hope]

Hi, Janet!  You're in a good and safe place here.  I've found so much comfort from these wonderful women.  I think there is something going on under the surface in your son's life.  A happy person just doesn't treat his loved ones that way.  I don't think it's anything you did - especially since he's treating your dd the same way.  From what you said, you've been a great mom over the years - very involved.  I also agree with the others about not trusting your fdil with such a touchy issue as your relationship with your son.  It's possible she could be innocent, but you never know.  Did the poor treatment begin after he got tight with this girl?  The letter idea sounds good to me.  If you try it, would you share the results with us?  So glad you found us - we can relate to your situation.
Hugs, Hope

[Janet]

Thank you Ladies for your kind and thoughtful responses and for your loving support.  They mean so much to me, a stranger to you all.   I will write that letter to my son as soon as I find the right words.   I keep writing and re-writing the letter in my mind but I change things as quickly as the words come.  I will put pen to paper soon.   I want to address it from the stand point of how his behavior makes me feel rather than me attacking him for his bad behavior.  Does that make sense?   I've also decided not to involve the FDIL.  Although I do trust her at this point, and I have very loving feelings for her, I think it could cause a problem later on between our relationships.  My DS would not feel good about me sharing personal things with his girl friend.  I don't want to anger him in that regard.  My DH did call my son last night and told him he didn't appreciate the way he had treated me over the Easter weekend and that he had noticed that he was quite rude and demeaning to all of the women in his life and that he needed to examine his behavior.  My DS just replied "yeah, yeah, I gotta go".   It didn't accomplish anything but I have to give DH kudos for his attempt because he is not one to get involved or discuss anything with anybody unless it personally involves him.     I will write more later but wanted to give you all an update.   Thanks again.   Janet

[cocobars]

Hi Janet.  I was a stranger too when I first came.  You won't be a stranger long...

I'm praying you find the right words to reach out to him and work this out.  I still do not think it's you or anything you caused.  That's just my take...

Sending you hugs.  I hope you feel them wherever you are...

[keepnsane]

Well, one thing I have learned (re-learned, relapsed, etc) through this process is:
A when things don't add up, we plug in all the wrong answers and blame ourselves B there is so much more going on than we know in their lives unrelated to us that is causing them to act out

[Nana]

Janet

You got very good advice from these supportive ladies. 

What Coco propose sounds great!  ALL OF IT.   Send the letter and speak to girlfriend.

What seems to me is that something is bothering him....really....he cannot just change like that.  I am sure he loves you because love for mom cant just go away.    Probably his problem is not related to you BUT YOU KNOW WE SOMETIMES TAKE IT AGAINST SOMEONE (Mom is a good punching bag because she takes all). 

My youngest daughter (21) would come to visit us and started talking very rudely to me.  I stopped her.  I asked ""What is happening to you?  All I do and say bothers you"  I just asked you how was your day, you dont have to answer in this form" I continued" Forgive me daughter for asking, forgive me for breathing, forgive me for being alive".  She hug me and said "You are right Mom, I am sorry, I am just in a bad mood.  I love you".    I do go directly to the problem.  I have loved and cared for my children..... I support them in all ways.....  We deserve more from them.   

I know it is not as simple as that we all our children.  Some are more flexible than others.  Sill you have to talk to him in a nice way but firmly of what you need of him.    I wish you the best of luck!

[luise.volta]

Hi Janet - How's it going? Sending love...