Author Topic: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me  (Read 4399 times)

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cocobars

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2010, 09:48:00 AM »
Chickie, dig throug your stuff.  You received your magic wand way before I did!  When you reach 1,000 posts, Luise gives you a magic wand and the power to send "PINGS" to everyone and help them feel better! 

Look for it, polish it up and start using it!  You have this magic wand now and can send out those "PINGS."  I need one too so badly right now. 

Can you send me one too?

willingtohelp

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2010, 09:50:11 AM »
I have to agree with Scoop on so many counts.  First, chickie, your DIL is just as wrong as the MILs on that site.  You don't use people, which is what she and your son are doing.  Anyone who uses people, be it a MIL or DIL, is doing something wrong. 

As far as the difference between a kind invitation and a craptacular...I have to agree with Scoop again.  A kind invitation is one that is extended in the hopes that a person will attend and one where a regret is accepted without any tantrums or demands for an explanation. 

To help show the difference:
A "craptacular" involves first the invitation, which is usually not even expressed as an invitation but just an assumption that you'll be there.  The conversation goes something like this "We're getting together for Thanksgiving at noon, you'll need to bring x and y."  Now at no point does the person say, "Will you be there?"  They've assumed without asking that their child and his or her spouse will be doing that.  Unless your child and his or her spouse have been doing this every year for the past 10 or have made it clear that they'll always be doing this, it's just not polite to assume to know someone else's schedule. 

The second requirement for an event to be a craptacular can be seen if an invitation is declined.  If it is declined in a normal event, the hostess may say, "oh well, you'll be missed, but we'll catch you next time" and leave it at that.  A craptacular hostess will first start with either the outrage or the tears....the death card (this may be so and so's last holiday) may be played if an older relative will be in attendance.   Other members of the family will begin to express how sad they are that you won't be there and how the hostess has called them to express her grief about it.   Typically the hounding will escalate as the event approaches, sometimes reaching multiple calls and emails a day to "just check" that your plans haven't changed. 

If you do decide to go to a craptacular, the specifications for what you need to do are beyond normal.  A normal family event, the hostess may say to bring a side or a dessert.  At a craptacular, the instructions are well beyond normal.  This is the best example I've seen of "craptacular" level instructions.  http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/

Once you arrive at a family craptacular, the last of the requirements can be seen.  You will be put at the end of the table with the rest of the ILs.  The "family" meaning the mother, father, and their blood children will be seated at the other end of the table.  If "family" photos are taken, you will be the one taking the pictures while everyone else poses because while your DH and your children are "blood", you are not.  To truly put a cherry on top of a craptacular, if the hostess can insert the items you're allergic to into most, if not all, of the dishes, then it has truly become one. 

I say all of this to illustrate that what DILs on those sites are referring to as "craptaculars" are not normal loving family events.  What I imagine the MILs on this site are planning do not fall into that catergory in any way.  And that also a reason to have some sympathy for some of the DILs on that site.  They're having to go to events that are like that.  What's worse is they're likely missing family events on their side to go to events like that where they're not even really included.  I hope this helps differentiate what the differences between a normal event and a craptacular are. 

cocobars

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2010, 10:05:00 AM »
Clover, first of all I want to express that I too didn't know what a craptaplular was.  Never heard of it.

Secondly, I have experienced this same thing and can understand how it does scare someone else off and out.

By the way, we've missed you for the past couple of days.  Happy you're back!

Offline Pen

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2010, 11:08:08 AM »
I too didn't know about the craptacular, although in retrospect that's what I deal with when my SM plans an event that she can't not invite us to  (dad's birthday or dad's relatives in from overseas.) I'm given maid/cook chores to do to keep me out of the mainstream. She tries to control everything about our trip (doesn't want us to rent a car so she can control when we come and go, etc.) It's not a craptacular to her own kids, just to our side. We are not considered equal. I feel  for all the DILs who have to deal with this! It's not fun.

We don't have big holidays anymore - no near relatives other than DS & DIL, and they are expected at DIL's family's. We just fit in around the edges these days. Small is good, but I miss the gatherings sometimes. It would be nice to be given the consideration that DIL's family is given. I'm really tired of being the outcast. Silly me, I thought when I had my own family I'd finally fit in at holidays. What was I thinking?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

2chickiebaby

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2010, 02:21:44 PM »
Clover, I am dying laughing here!!  This is up there with my Aunt who used to bring the corn bread dressing to Thanksgiving.

She would come in my GMother's back door and say, "well, it's awful".  She was so sour on life.  She would tell her 3 kids,
who had not said a single word: "kids, shut up and sit down!!"  (they were sitting and they weren't talking)

Anyway, I know what you mean about the craptaculars.  It's meant so much to me to have a family get together but
my DIL always throws a crink in it some way.  Our son just called and asked us to come tomorrow to his house for Easter.
I was so glad but am worried to death now because she didn't call.  She ALWAYS does the calling, not him.

If she is not there or if she is rude, what am I going to do???  What should I do?  She is mad at me for my husband
calling our son about not visiting me in the hospital.  That made her furious.  In her mind she is supposed to be able to
do as she wishes and never do anything for anyone if she doesn't want to.

What am I going to do if she is cold to us?  What would y'all do.

2chickiebaby

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2010, 03:14:25 PM »
Chickie, dig throug your stuff.  You received your magic wand way before I did!  When you reach 1,000 posts, Luise gives you a magic wand and the power to send "PINGS" to everyone and help them feel better! 

Look for it, polish it up and start using it!  You have this magic wand now and can send out those "PINGS."  I need one too so badly right now. 

Can you send me one too?

Yes, Coco!! PING!! PING!!  PING

2chickiebaby

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2010, 03:19:17 PM »
Clover, I am dying laughing here!!  This is up there with my Aunt who used to bring the corn bread dressing to Thanksgiving.

She would come in my GMother's back door and say, "well, it's awful".  She was so sour on life.  She would tell her 3 kids,
who had not said a single word: "kids, shut up and sit down!!"  (they were sitting and they weren't talking)

Anyway, I know what you mean about the craptaculars.  It's meant so much to me to have a family get together but
my DIL always throws a crink in it some way.  Our son just called and asked us to come tomorrow to his house for Easter.
I was so glad but am worried to death now because she didn't call.  She ALWAYS does the calling, not him.

If she is not there or if she is rude, what am I going to do???  What should I do?  She is mad at me for my husband
calling our son about not visiting me in the hospital.  That made her furious.  In her mind she is supposed to be able to
do as she wishes and never do anything for anyone if she doesn't want to.

What am I going to do if she is cold to us?  What would y'all do.

Something else I want to add here:  I come from a generation of give love to others.  Show love to others.  We'd drag
ourselves to our family's craptaculars even on our deathbed.  We did not know boundaries.  They were our family and we
might complain and run ourselves ragged but we'd go.  I can tell you, I don't regret, though some might, that I did do
those things for my family who are no longer here.  I don't have any regrets.  It was a "hilarious", yet dysfunctional
family.

2chickiebaby

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2010, 04:31:35 PM »
I wanted to tell everyone that I got my Boundaries book and I don't have any (boundaries)  I'm going to get them, though.


2chickiebaby

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2010, 07:11:34 PM »
Chickie, we ran ourselves ragged during holidays when our boys were children, & I don't regret one second.  We were teaching them love, compassion & selflessness.  We put other people before ourselves.  We lived 4 hours, (by car), away.  We stayed at relatives houses.  We went from one house to another, to another.  We were sooooo tired by the time we got back home, but it was such a feel good, happy tired.  We made a lot of people happy just by taking our children to see them.  WE made them happy.  I think that is such a great thing, that we can make other people happy if we want to.  It's so easy sometimes.  Just by visiting, we did that.  Amazing !!
Why do some sons & dils want to do the opposite of making people happy?  I think it is just so sad.   :(

I guess those days are over, Anna....I don't regret them either.  I think we'd better get with the program, though
because otherwise, we are going to keep getting our heart broken.  We have to get boundaries so we can deal
with the people who have boundaries.

cocobars

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #24 on: April 04, 2010, 09:16:47 AM »
Chickie, I agree.  It's sad, but so true now...

Sending you some heartfelt hugs... 

2chickiebaby

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2010, 11:54:57 AM »
So, today, we had lunch at a restaurant with son and DIL and kids.  I noticed, since reading my Boundaries book how few
boundaries my son has.  He is constantly trying to boost her up, agree with her, make her feel good.

I had mentioned that one of our GS's, their cousin, is a fabulous athlete and he is.  Son, at the table, started telling us
how wonderful one of his kids is at athletics.  I don't know why this has to be a competition.  It's ridiculous.

At one point, I found myself getting almost angry about something that was said that in the past I would have agreed
to....I found myself wanting to tell them I didn't agree.  I didn't say anything.

willingtohelp

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2010, 01:29:40 PM »
Sorry I've been away gals, we travelled to see DH's grandmother & aunt for Easter, so my internet access has been limited.  I'll be back home on Monday. 

cocobars

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2010, 03:22:22 PM »
Hi Clover!

Have fun!  Break a leg!  No, just kidding, don't break a leg!  Hope you have laughs and giggles though!  Happy Easter!

See you on Monday!

Hope

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #28 on: April 04, 2010, 07:33:19 PM »
Happy Easter everyone!  I hope you all had a great day.

blau10

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Re: I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me
« Reply #29 on: April 06, 2010, 01:32:49 PM »
What is a boundaries book?  I've never heard of this and I think I might need one. 

And I like the word "craptaculars" - I now have a word for the events I have been invited to at my DIL's events. This is exactly how I have seen things and felt; at my DIL's bridal shower, wedding reception to my DS, and her baby shower in particular.  I was NOT allowed to invite anyone to these events because she has a big family and they didn't want to spend any more money than they had to.  When I offered to pay for my guests, they didn't have any room left.  Because my DS only has his own parents and one set of GPs locally I accepted this based on the relative theory, even though I was treated like an outsider and ignored by her relatives.