Author Topic: Letting Go of Hurt  (Read 1033 times)

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Offline luise.volta

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Letting Go of Hurt
« on: March 28, 2010, 08:49:42 AM »
Well, since you asked, I will write about my experience of letting go of hurt.

First of all, you need to know that I have never been physically, emotionally, spiritually brutalized like some of the women here...so I have no idea how I would have gotten up and gone on from such an experience...or if I would have ever gotten past hating the person who took me down.

My losses have been more psychological, like my DILs rage that she turned on me right after my eldest son's death or like my former husband's three-year affair. I started out as a neglected, unwanted and unloved child...so those are the kinds of hurts that have been part of my path through life.

I don't think that for me forgiveness has been very real. I see forgiveness as connected to judgment.

What has happened, is that I have learned compassion along the way. (Please don't forget that I am in my mid-eighties!) The people who have hurt me have acted on their own hurts. I may or or may not have even been a part of that. I honestly feel the hurt and I do what I think is indicated to get through it...and then I just know in my heart that if I hang on to it, I damage myself.

It seems to me that I have a choice. And if I am focused on hurt, I am passing on joy. I can't feel both concurrently and I just opt for the one that feels the best to me. Then those that have hurt me look more human than threatening and I just let it all go because I no longer have much energy focused on it. Often they are drawn to me again, like my former DIL and my ex DH and we seem to salvage something along the way. It may be mutual respect, I don't know. We're all doing the best we can and life is not for the faint at heart.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2010, 09:20:46 AM »
Hi Luise

A very thought provoking post...thank you for your perspectives....

you and I have experienced similar lives...

I don't see forgiveness as connected to judgement...and I'll explain why, and this is pertaining to me, and no one else, I'm not suggesting you should feel this way because I do, or even that you will agree....

During all my struggles in life, I've realized we human beings react to things people say and do...and I've learned it is how we react that causes us more pain and hurt.  First we become very hurt, then the anger sets in...and then we react...in my case, in my past, my reactions to things have been poorly exectued...I was hurt, then became angry, then reacted, human nature...however, when I reacted badly, deep in my soul of souls, it wasn't that I was so angry at the person who treated me badly...but more so, that I allowed that person to bring me down to they're level within my reactions...in otherwords, I allwed them to push my buttons and reacted badly..immaturely, in anger and in hurt...so, from that point on, I realized, it was misdirected anger in a way....and I was so embarrassed at my reaction....when people tried to even help me, I took things as if they were saying your all wrong, and you've got to do it this way...or that...and then I became even angryier b/c I couldn't see they were trying to help me, all I knew was I was hurting and way to immature to see another point of view....but then, I came to realize, I had to first come to terms with some self examination and take a long hard look at myself...why wasn't I getting it?  Why was I so upset and most f all angry a lot of my life...and everytime I acted out to andd with the anger, I became even more embarrassed and angry with me...so I had to defend my position, which only made me look more foolish...I couldn't accept constructive critisism...and took it as a personal attack against me....

So, the majority of the forgiveness had to come from me, to me....and once I could accomplish that, I could forgive others, and start understanding, that everyone who was disagreeing with me, wasn't trying to put me down or say I'm wrong...they were trying to help me progress....


It took me 13 years to be able to forgive my husband for running around on me, and I honestly don't feel it had to do with judgement, in my case, it had to do with letting go of the hate and anger....and realize, he did the best he could, mentally and physically with the tools he was given by all those who raised him...he didn't really know anything better or different, and then, I considered how lucky I was to be able to remain loyal to him....but for such a long time, I harbored a lot of hate and tons of anger all my life, b/c I didn't know how to deal with so many things...

So, I don't know Luise...I may be wrong, but that is how I see it...


I remember someone telling me once, everytime someone trys to help you or gives you a different perspective of the situation, you take it as a personal attack against you...and that is exactly how I was feeling...I thought they were saying to me, my whole way of doing things was wrong, which made all my beliefs wrong...when in fact, what they were doing was helping me...

but thats me, and doesn't pertain to you, it's just how I had to seethings and deal with them....

but this raises some very good perspectives for a productive discussion on how to let go of hurt...

thank you

Hope

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2010, 09:37:59 AM »
Luise and Creme,
It was interesting to read both your posts on letting go of hurt.  I struggle with letting the joy conquer the hurt.  The hurt takes over - I'm still under construction so to speak.  I know I have to redirect my self talk.  I can learn a lot from you wise women.  Thanks.

cremebrulee

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2010, 09:38:17 AM »
there is also something else very important that I must add...about myself...

everytime, someone disagreed with me, I also took it as if they were saying I'm wrong...wrong, wrong...I didn't then, understand, that we all think and feel differently about things...they were not telling me I was wrong, they were simply voicing to me, how they see things...and I know now, I could have progressed so much faster if I had understood this one thing...

just because I feel one way about things, and someone else feels another way, doesn't mean they are right and I am wrong, or visa versa...what it is, is, that is how they think and feel....

one of the most difficult things for me to deal with was, when someone tried to help me, I thought they were saying I was a bad person and all wrong...they were not...

and, I remember  meeting up with a kid I knew in high school, he said, "Creme, when I think of you, I think of what an angry kid you were and I hope that anger is gone now"....this person didn't know what I had been through as a child...and fortunately, I started understanding the importance of forgiving myself and communication...listening to people...take theyr'e wise advice and feelings and apply it to myself....

cremebrulee

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2010, 09:42:22 AM »
Luise and Creme,
It was interesting to read both your posts on letting go of hurt.  I struggle with letting the joy conquer the hurt.  The hurt takes over - I'm still under construction so to speak.  I know I have to redirect my self talk.  I can learn a lot from you wise women.  Thanks.

yes, I've been practicing the same way....I realize, out of every bad situation, comes a learning experience...and I'm able to not self persecute or put myself down, but honestly face my very own demons...and try to be better, improve those faults...and Lord knows I have many...Hope we can learn so much from each other....

Luise is very inspirational and  has helped me emmensely....


Offline luise.volta

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2010, 11:01:05 AM »
Well, after I posted I thought about how being RIGHT held me back for decades. I would actually wallow in all of the documentation I had to defend my position and I'd get so attached to it that there was no room for further movement. What I learned was that there was only one person who was being hurt by all of that.

And eventually it dawned on me that the other person had the same dynamics going. It just took too much focus and energy to maintain it. I learned to let go because it just felt better to do so. And as I've said, others seem to sense that and they ofter let go too. Then you can sometimes regroup in a new way. Usually it's different, but it's love-based.

Also my remark about forgiveness was based on my experience that I have to first judge the person and/or the incident to activate the need to forgive.  ;D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

momX3

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2010, 08:25:31 PM »
Luise,

Thank you for the excellent words of wisdom.

Two points that you made really hit home for me:

It seems to me that I have a choice. And if I am focused on hurt, I am passing on joy. I can't feel both concurrently and I just opt for the one that feels the best to me. Then those that have hurt me look more human than threatening and I just let it all go because I no longer have much energy focused on it.

Well, after I posted I thought about how being RIGHT held me back for decades. I would actually wallow in all of the documentation I had to defend my position and I'd get so attached to it that there was no room for further movement.

I can totally relate to these two statements as I recognize myself in those sentences.
I truly appreciate all of the wisdom you share.  Experience speaks volumes and I have learned and have taken away many thoughts from reading your posts. My next step is to put all of this good advice into action by letting go of some of the "hurt" that I continue to carry in my heart.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Bless you Luise for all you give to everyone.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2010, 08:28:51 PM »
You're welcome. It's always an "if the shoe fits" kind of thing but when something resonates, that's great!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher