Author Topic: Not so wise as feeling alone  (Read 1630 times)

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Ragdoll

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Not so wise as feeling alone
« on: December 14, 2011, 08:59:33 PM »
Hello,

Can anyone shed light on this? It is a long story but I feel as though I am not my husbands top priority.

I have fallen out with his mum and subsequently the rest of his family (even though I never spoke to them until I found out that they were gossiping about me being mental, on drugs, that my husband is only with me because of the children, you name it, with people outside of the family). This was over a matter during a visit and rather than confront her I did as my husband (he was angry with her too) asked and left it but I was angry at the time and so, kept my distance from her, merely being polite and getting on with things I had to do whilst she spoke to my husband. So once my husband had taken her to where ever she was going, he came back to the house seething, shouting at me that I was mad and evil to treat his mum that way. (My children heard this). I was shocked and angry and the rest is history.

I felt as if from then on, his mum and family wanted nothing more than to see us split up and this was confirmed when I saw emails (she left her user id and password set to remember me on my computer) of the gossiping I mentioned at the beginning, between her, my two sister in laws and a friend of hers who worked at the time as a PA to a Psychologist.

After a long battle trying to fight my corner with him backing his mum and family, she called to tell him that he had his priorities all wrong and that his blood family should come before me. Surprisingly, infront of me, he put her straight on that one but subsequent actions and reactions tell me that this is not the case.

They now converse only when my husband is away from me (at work). I am only informed of visits with my children and told the arrangements, as apposed to consulted and making decisions together. This always causes arguements because I have asked him to make sure his mum knows we make family decisions together and it would help her to understand we are united. He speaks to his other siblings too and on occasion has gone out with them and the children leaving me at home. This all leaves me feeling like I dont matter to him when they are around. Whenever I mention their behaviour or his reaction to it upsets me I am accused of trying to distance him from them and not wanting him to see them, when what I am really doing is trying to ensure that my marriage is solid before he goes to visit them as I am paranoid that he can be so easily manipulated again into coming back to the house and shouting at me.

I am now reduced to checking his phone to see if they have made contact so that I can prepare myself for visits, otherwise I am the last to know and it is sprung on me. Since doing this, I have found that it is not only his family but his friends who seem to be unsupportive of our relationship too. There are certain friends of his that I have never trusted and one in particular that I did think was a good guy but recently, announced that he was on the prowl for girls when away from his long term girlfriend and I don't want to be a part of that. Anyway, more recently, this friend has been goading my husband to go out with him and I suspect a married man is a good cover story but the other night I went out to meet up with my husband and he was out with this friend. The friend new I was coming and as it turns out, everyone who was out with my husband, knew that I had just lost a job I went for an interview for and was really upset. On arrival at the venue, as soon as I walked in the door said "what the f$£$ are you doing here?". I tried to tell my husband this on the way to another venue without the rest of them and he stormed off and left me.

There is more but I am rambling so I will cut to the chase. The following day, I told him what his friend had said and he blatently stuck up for him saying that he never heard him say that so it didnt happen.

My question is why does he put everyone else, his family, friends, even friends of friends, before me? Why does he treat me like an annoying short term girlfriend? Why is he thinking that I am trying to cut him off from his family and friends when every action of mine has been a reaction to being treated badly by people who are supposed to love him and therefore honour his marriage and new family? He is right, I am trying to protect US. I don't want us to be manipulated and when someone does something which I percieve to be a threat to our marriage aka display behaviour that causes us to argue, I want to pull us all together in a bubble, deal with us so that we are solid and then come out again. Why can he not see this?

I actually think I am going mental now, questionning my own sanity and thinking maybe I am doing as he said and trying to take him away from his friends and family. Then something else kicks in and I think to myself do you know what, if those people are more important than us being happy and therefore our children being happy, he should go and live with them.

No drama. I am just thinking out loud.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2011, 05:36:42 AM »
First, Welcome Ragdoll- Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work…and the other is How This Happened…our history. We ask all new members to do this, not that anything is wrong with your post.  Also, we get hit with tons of spam, so just ignore those threads and as soon as one of the moderators arrives, we will zap it.  Thanks.

You have alot going on.  I also think you realize where your first problem lies....with your DH.  MIL, his friends and his family are whole different issues.  They are crossing over to each other, but I find when I have several problems going on, I have to attack one at a time.  When I can resolve one, it usually helps the others and then I can move to resolve the next issue.  Trying to deal with all of them at once can be so overwhelming.

If MIL is dead set against liking you, there is nothing you can do.  Playing civil will just set her off because she will see that as cold.  You can't help that, it is her problem.  My advice is normally to play civil, but you have tried that so guess what?  My next advice would be to let DH go without you, without retribution.  You will have to make a mental decision that why would you want to go somewhere you were treated badly or afterwards, because of the visit, treated badly.  Let him have his family time and you go do something fun and enjoy the peace and quiet.

My opinion is that your first resolution will have to be with DH.  Treating you as he is doing is very disrespectful and hurtful.  Unless you can straighten out your relationship with him, you'll never be able to work on the next issues.  Him allowing his friend to treat you that way is on DH.  I would have been mad too.  How can you expect him to stand up to his M and family when he will not even stand up to a friend on your behalf?  Only you can decide what is acceptable and not acceptable in your marriage. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2011, 05:39:35 AM »
I also wanted to add that going through emails and his phone, is on you.  I would be very upset if I found out someone was doing that to me.  I know why you feel the need to do it, but that doesn't make it right. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

sesamejane

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2011, 04:02:12 PM »
Hello Ragdoll,
I had a similar experience with my former dh when we moved to his home town.  I could not understand why his friends and family treated me badly.  He sometimes would go to parties and get togethers and I would find out later about them. 

We separated eventually because I could not tolerate the emotional abuse in front of the children, and he also was drinking heavily and started using cocaine.  This was a long time ago - the 80s?  Anyway, *big* revelation after he left.  A woman who had been a friend of his in high school invited me over for dinner.  She was very nice, and then at some point said something like, "You know you are nothing like "John" (dh alias) described.  You're really a good person.  I like you."  I am paraphrasing of course and it was a long time ago.  She told me that he had literally been gossiping about me behind my back. I realize now that he had been unhappy about him - had nothing to do with me.  He used me kind of like an explanation for his emotional issues, imagined failures, insecurities,e tc.  I see now how pathetic he was; and he is not in good shape  now although he stopped the substance abuse a long time ago.  VEry lonely guy, but I don't feel sorry for him.

Anyway, I am not saying your husband is like this or that you should leave him.  I just wanted to share my story because I don't think you know your story yet.  You sound like I used to feel - confused, like nothing was making sense. 

So be good to yourself, make your own friends, grow your own life for now. Socialize with folks who are supportive and who like you and treat you well.  I found a great support group in Alanon and I joined a church I learned to love.  DH did not like it one bit when I started treating myself with respect and becoming known to others as a good person.  I see that now.  I was shy back then and probably put up with more social dismissiveness and insult than I should have, but... I quietly found my way through it.  Make friends with people who take the time to know  you.

Keep posting and you have friends here.

Offline Pen

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2011, 07:59:28 AM »
Excellent post, Jane.

Welcome, Ragdoll.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

wonderingafter40

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2011, 06:50:26 PM »
I can def relate to how your feeling. I myself am in a similiar situation. I have recently found out that my BF of 3 1/2 yrs has been referrering to me as being a swear word. I was shocked because he doesnt come across like that. He was my Best Friend, my partner, my person that I always turned to. It's hard to reaize the betrayal but hang in there. You will find your own strength and will come to your own conclusions about how you want to be treated...stay strong, head held high
« Last Edit: January 01, 2012, 04:07:29 PM by pam1 »

Ragdoll

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2011, 02:44:50 AM »
Thank you all for your for your kind words. I understand why I may have come across as not having my own friends and prying however, to clear a few things up, we both have many friends. Sone are mutual, some are mine some are his. Many we have both known since school. The way we live is that he goes out with his friends, I go out with mine and frequently he will come out with mine and visa versa, usually common interest in live music, birthday parties etc. My friends have always welcomed him and would never be rude to him or interfere in our relationship. They like him because I do not moan about him. I have a separate friend for that. One that he never sees him. Also, I am well liked and have so many good friends. All our mutual friends understand. He did start moaning to one of them about me recently, but she told him off.

We live in a small town and on a night out it is very difficult not to end up seeing other people when we go out just the two of us.

All I want is for him to trust that I don't kick off for no reason and that he should be supportive of me and his family over everyone else. At the moment I feel that he thinks I am his mum, emotionally, and that he has to be seen to be fighting these other people's corner because they will leave him if he doesn't. It should be the other way around.

Quick note about the emails and phone checking. His mum left her account logged in and I went on something and the first email popped up. After that I couldn't help but want to know what else was said to make an argument with his mum result in the whole family hating me. I found whT I was looking for and was able to prove to DH what his mum was doing. With regards to the phone, until a few years ago, we were very open with each other like that. Then he started hiding his phone, keeping it with him at all times, including in the toilet. My phone was still open to him and he has looked through it.

We are having councilling now and I am hoping it will work but for the time being, I have nothIng to give him until I know we are a proper grown up family and not a couple of teens and me the nagging girlfriend.

Once again thank you. Will keep you posted.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2011, 05:24:10 AM »
I'm glad you two are going to see someone.  Hopefully, you can work it out.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

newhera

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2011, 05:21:27 AM »
I hope thinga turn out better for you, looks like you're a good person & you should never be treated that way :)

JudyJudyJudy

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2011, 03:34:19 PM »
It sounds like everyone involved is talking about everyone else behind their backs.  That always leads to trouble and can destroy any relationship.

Your husband is the common denominator in all this.  He married you and you should be first in his life.  That is the commitment he made to you and to everyone else.  You should not have to fight for your husband with anyone.

If it makes more sense, ask yourself these questions:  Do you think it would be right for your husband to have to fight several people just to keep you?  Are you fighting uninvited intruders and he is siding with them?  Is anything you are saying about these people fueling all this or is he just not grown up enough yet to see how he's treating you?  Or, is he complaining to these people and they are acting the way they are for a reason?

Honestly, if it were me, I would sit back and take all this in and not say anything bad (even if it is true) about anyone involved.  Then if it does not calm down, ask yourself if this man is worth fighting for.  Also, if you have to go through his private communications behind his back, it sounds like the trust is dangerously low and the trust issue needs to be defined as to is he trustworthy or do you have trust issues.

Good luck.  It sounds like you love him tons and hopefully you can work these issues out in counseling!

Offline Elise

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2012, 11:21:39 AM »
Doll;  Listen to yourself and in my experience if the counselor (sp?) does not very quickly affirm you are not crazy, get your own therapist.  Sometimes the therapists own issues get triggered doing couples therapy and that can make it worse for you and doesn't help the marriage. This happened to me 30 years ago, and it took me a bit too long to realize what was going on.

Please do not let others behaviors make you stoop to doing things which are not in your nature.  I hope trust issues are being brought up in your sessions - it is not paranoid to bring them up with the info you have written here and what you found in his phone, etc. I do not know if that was a mistake or not, yet do not allow anyone to make more of that if it was a mistake or wrong in context of your marriage (though it sounds like it shouldn't have been given former openess to each others phones). Just saying you made a mistake (if it was one) should take care of it and on to what you found, which sounds like huge violation of your marriage.

Sending you love and strength in this new year.

Offline Ruth

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Re: Not so wise as feeling alone
« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2012, 02:33:41 PM »
This is a very painful situation.  Judy's response is stellar, and I can't improve on it.  I believe you are young, and I'm guessing this is a first marriage, and there are (oh dear) small children probably.  You're showing a lot of courage in writing this out, and asking for input, rather than just digging in and fighting tooth and nail.    I am much older, and had (have) a similar situation.  Mine is not a first marriage, and there are no children, but my dh's mother/son relationship was very destructive to our marriage.  It came to blows, and we were briefly separated (dh and I).  I am a fighter by nature, and my demands, tirades, retaliation, etc., only made the problem much worse.  It is a very slow problem in changing, and by disengaging myself from all of it, little by little my dh has shifted in loyalties.  You have to decide if you want to fight this long term battle or not (by staying in the marriage) but you will only worsen the situation if you fight with your dh about it, this is my opinion and my experience.  And also by the way, no amount of counseling made any difference, it was only when my dh decided he really valued his marriage and home that he began to shift his focus.  My MIL and I are now on speaking terms, but that is all, just polite interchanges.  I won't allow it to be anything more because the possibility is there for her to revert to old behavior, but when its all said and done the dh has to decide whether or not he values his marriage.  You must be the one who rises above this bad behavior.  You are also only making yourself pathetic by snooping and creating any drama about this.  It gives more ammo to the other side, driving your dh further back to his family.  Please do not think I am being harsh, I am only hoping to help you learn from the mistakes I made.  I don't think this lays the foundation at all for a healthy or successful marriage.