Disturbing News

[FLUSA2005]

Ladies, I received some disturbing news last night after spending the evening with my former son in law and grandchildren. My former son in law told when my daughter was 8 her father raped her. Never in my wildest dreams did I think anything like this was going on, there were no signs at all. If it happened more than once I haven't a clue. Why in heavens name my daughter chooses to have a relationship with her father and shuts me out of her life I'll never know. My granddaughter is 9 and her father as well as myself have told her to never be alone with her grandfather. Luckily he lives in another state and she only sees him once a year. I know 100% if I confronted my daughter with what I know she'd deny it anyway, so I can't go that route, she defends him whenever she can. I wish there was something I could do, but it was over 20 years ago and unless she admits to it I think my hands are tied. I would like his computer checked for child porn but I don't know if that's possible either without any proof of what he did to her. Any suggestions?

[cocobars]

Flusa, thats sad and awful, but I agree with you.  Until she is ready to admit it, there is nothing you can do.  I don't know her situation, but as someone who has been through it (and you also need some input from Anna, Chickie and Creme), I can say that the "shame" involved is paralyzing.  I felt guilt for years over mine and I was only 4 years old when it happened.  There were circumstances around it that made me feel that it was my fault though.  Can you believe a child at that age feeling that?  I believe other circumstances may be different, but the "total shame" is what get's alot of women, and causes them to carry around what happened to them for years - and some never do tell!

I'm so sorry you are finding this out, but I think now that you have this knowledge, you can be ready to support and understand her when she's ready.  You'll be ready too!

Hugging you!

[FLUSA2005]

Coco, the problem with my daughter is that she is a perpetual liar, through the years I have caught her in more lies than truths. Five years ago, she, her then husband and 4 year old daughter flew all the way from NJ to California to spend a week with her father. She lied about that telling me they were going to Las Vegas on a free trip they had won. She has kept in contact with her father since my divorce 11 years ago always seeking him out, she could have avoided him. I've never abused her in my life and she runs the other way from me. Not too long ago she accused me of being unstable (I'm not) because I asked her to stop always belittling me. If I brought up what I heard her father did to her she would laugh in my face and tell me I'm crazy.

[cocobars]

Flusa, do you think maybe she feel's responsible though, and that is one of the reasons for the cover-up?  Maybe she was enjoying (I know that sounds horrid and I mean no disrespect).  Even if she was a child, if she had a nice feeling from it (as children are innocent and don't always know something is wrong), she may carry some shame or guilt.  She may not be at a place to understand that he took advantage of that "innocence."  I mean no disrespect here, but those thoughts cross my mind.  When this happened to me, I didn't know it was something wrong (of course - 4YO).  I'm going with that.  I didn't get it until I was beaten after my mother caught me showing my friend what the man did, as my friend couldn't see, but just heard me crying and he was crying too.  I don't really know, and I believe you should wait for more input from the other women who have this experience too.  I also know we aren't professionals (HA!), so there may be in's and out's that we don't consider, but I also believe, from what I've seen here that this is a very intuitive "think tank" and I think you'll get great input and ideas to roll over in your mind.  Sometimes I've also found as I'm rolling over someone else's input, I have an "aha" moment that tells me this may be it. 

This is such a touchy issue and so personally degrading for women to recall.  My personal feeling is just that your daughter has not faced this and is carrying guilt, but I may be very wrong..

Hang in!  Hugging you!  I know this is hard for you!

[FLUSA2005]

The one thing that puzzles me is (I only have the one child) that since I did all the laundry, cleaning, and helping her when she was little with a bath etc. I never saw evidence of anything. I was a stay at home mom too, and there was little or no opportunity for him to be alone with her. Don't get me wrong I hate the man, but I don't want him accused of something he never did. I saw one neighborhood teenager a few years ago accuse her Dad of the same things, got the police involved.....the whole nine yards and she finally admitted she was lying and in the process ruined her fathers marriage and life. She said that she accused him to get back at him for something he punished her for. My daughter told her ex husband about her father when she was in her early 20's, and she liked to drink and do drugs, was this something said during one of those times?

[cremebrulee]

Flusa
this was hard for me to read...while I've dealt with my situation, it is always difficult to hear or read, that it happened to someone else.

Flusa...concerning your daughter...I wonder if it is in fact true...it seems to me, she might have told this story for attention...I know, from my stand point, there is no way I would want to be around the man who abused me, not even for a short time. 

However, again, we as individuals all think and feel differently...
I can imagine how horrified you must have been, the shock, embarrassement, etc...don't beat yourself up...you didn't perform the act, nor did you know about it if it is true. 

My aunt was a stay at home mom, yet, our uncle always managed to get to us...especially at night after she fell asleep...so, it does happen...however, again concerning your daughter, and please know this is said with respect and concern...but, it seems like there is a lot going on there with your daughter, and until she is ready to talk, there is not much you can do, unless she decides to come to you adn talk to you about it.  And you can always ask her, you have that right.  Just know, that if it is true...that may be a reason for all her anger, which is misdirected anger...

If it were me, I would ask my daughter...however, I do not know your daugther, like you do, so you must take the lead on this...I sonder why your former son in law would tell you something like that now?  Did he offer any other information?  There is a whole lot here which doesn't make sense (and I'm not questioning you) ...however, perhaps she is not telling you, for fear of your reaction towards her?   

For now, I would let it rest...and wait, and when the time is right, you'll know, and you can ask her about it, or, you can just leave it go and not say anything...I'm guessing if you did ask her, she'd fly off in a hissy fit?  What do you think?

My real maternal mother tells lies all the time, you never know if she's telling the truth or not..and a lot of times, it's for attention...I always hated that part about her...perhaps that is why I'm so dead on honest...but I do know the quesitons you must be going through and all the emotions...right now...so, what I would do is just let it simmer...I'd like to hear more about your former SIL and why he though it productive to mention this now....how did it come out?   

[FLUSA2005]

My son in law told me last night in the middle of a Saint Patrick's Day celebration in town with Lord knows how many people around. I'm not a loud person or like to draw attention to myself so I did manger to keep my cool. We were talking about my ex's abusive nature and my DD boyfriends loud mouth and my SIL said, "I don't like your ex" I looked at him and said "I don't either" and he proceeded to say "well did your daughter ever tell you her father raped her?" I must admit my mouth must have hit the ground. All I know is that is what he said my daughter told him. I said to my husband a little while ago did she say this to him during a fight to make him pity her? He's going to try to get some more information from former SIL when he takes our granddaughter home. Will keep you posted.

My ex had a job that had him getting up at 4:30am for work and I would be awake to say goodbye. Any other time I was home. We're talking about an 8 year old child and he's a big man, so wouldn't I have heard her scream, see blood etc.? I never saw a thing.

[luise.volta]

My only thought is prayer. I think you can move mountains with it. Sending love.

[Pen]

Oh boy. I have a friend who was molested at the age of 10 by an uncle and it ruined her life. I've also known a man who was falsely accused and the young women who accused him, and it ruined his life - very sad all the way around. Try to get as much reliable information as possible before reacting. My thoughts are with you.

[cremebrulee]

Flusa
First of all, I must say, that this ex son in law of yours sounds like a very thoughtless person...was he drunk? 

Flusa...my advice to you is sit on this for a while...let it sink in, be patient and I know it's easy for me to say, but try to stay calm...

What are you thinking about doing?  What do YOU want to do?

Flusa, I was sexually abused from the time I was 6 years old...until about 12...I'm not sure, can't remember the ages, however, I was very young...and I'm fine today...it takes a lot of counseling but we survive...we go on, and realize, life is a gift...yes, there are bad people out there, but there are more good people and wonderful experiences...

Flusa...remember, it might not even be true...

[FLUSA2005]

Thanks all for the thoughts and prayers. An update: as I suspected it was lie. She told my ex SIL that after her father "raped" her at 8 years old she bled for 3 days. Being a stay at home Mom, doing the laundry every day I didn't see one drop of blood ever except when she fell off her bike at 5 years old and hit her face. Things like finding unexpected blood is not something I'd forget. This girl needs serious help, one day all the lying is going to catch up with her, but again it is something she does very well, just like her father.

[cremebrulee]

Whew, I am relieved...for you and for her...

[cremebrulee]

I cannot imagine anyone lying about being raped.  Your d needs serious help !!  Is she seeing a counselor, or therapist??  Your sil might want to go with her.

I can't agree more....

[FLUSA2005]

My daughter has lied so many times during her adult life that this time is no exception and definitely not the first time someone has lied about being raped. Plus my daughter has always had the flare for the dramatic. Nothing adds up for me, as there was never anytime she was alone with her father, he hated to babysit her, and there was no emotional or physical evidence on her part, nothing. I never saw a change in the father/daughter relationship from the time she was born until we divorced. She was a happy child and teenager, had many friends, did well at school and never found a reason not to be at home or avoid her father. She started to change 100% when I got a divorce when she was 18, from then on she hasn't been the child I raised, she told her ex the rape story when she was 19. I'm aware she needs help, but at 31 years old that's her choice not mine. Why would you ask somebody who supposedly raped you to give you away at your wedding and care less if your mother and step father were there? She even planned the date of her wedding to coincide with her father's vacation as he lives 900 miles away from us. We live a mile from her and I know her step father would be more than happy to give her away. When I've caught her in her numerous lies she's laughed in my face and said Mom it was a joke, and she'd do the same now if I brought this up to her. Lies are not jokes to me but to her they are and she's often joked about how many lies she's been able to get away with. As far as counseling with her ex, she hates him so that would never happen. If she told the man she's marrying now about the supposed rape, I can assure you her father wouldn't be walking her down the aisle, nor would he allow his 14 year old daughter around him and they have spent the night with her father when he was on his last vacation.

[cocobars]

Flusa, I just had a thought.  The information came from your daughter's ex-husband.  You were at a bar in front of other people when he broke the news to you, right?  What a thing to say to his ex-wife's mother, who is already upset.  How do you know he was telling you the truth?  He is her "ex," and so many ex's will make things up or embellish things just to cause trouble (I know mine did and still does).  Your daughter is getting remarried.  This could simply be a fly in the ointment for him.  I would tend to believe your daughter in this case, rather than a jilted husband, who may have motives for starting such a horrid rumor.

Think it over.  I would consider the source when being told such a story, especially in the wake of a wedding that may upset the person doing the telling.  I think he has motives for telling you that in such a way, and would consider that, more than my daughter's past mistakes.  Your daughter and her new fiance seem to get along with her father.  I'm not sure I would believe her ex-husband at all.  I think her ex-husband would like nothing better than to see something like this be aired at her wedding, and he's using you to do it.  This would also alienate your relationship with her even further.  I know it's hard to figure out, but if it were me, I would ignore any story her ex told me at this point.

Hugging you!  I know this is confusing.  I hope this will help you work this out...