Author Topic: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law  (Read 11162 times)

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cocobars

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #30 on: March 12, 2010, 02:58:26 PM »
Well, see Sassy.  I don't believe you're all wrong, and I don't believe that's all right either.  -and I wasn't insulted...   

I think love and the protection of a mother are two different things.  At one time, I loved my husband so much and trusted him to the point that my entire world was him.  Well that was a mistake and I was not so young, but dumb anyway to believe in a man that way (I hope nobody takes that the wrong way - it's just my experience and I've spent a lifetime looking for one "like Dad" only to find there are no others).  I believe you can love your husband to the exclusion - yes, but if a ship were sinking and my children were drowning, by God my husband better be right in ther with me getting those kids!  I'm not sure how to explain it...

Maybe it is a hipocracy.  I have to think about it, and I just got home and I've noticed I'm better in the morning.  I'm marking this, so I can explain how I feel then.

But - I in no way thought you were wrong.  I can see those two sides and I think the fact that "LOVE" want brought into it was a mistake.  Only because there are different kinds of love, but no ONE is more important - unless a ship is sinking and your helpless children are in the water.  Then I'd have to reach for Orly's 2x4 if my husband wasn't helping me... ;D

Hope

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #31 on: March 12, 2010, 08:22:31 PM »
I can't imagine not saving my grandchildren first, then my children.  Husbands come and go(50% divorce rate).  Husbands often die first anyway.  Of course I mat be a tad biased.  I have been hapily single since 1996. LOL

your post reminded me of three women I know who just lost they're husbands, this past year...they had very good marriages, and one of them told me, she'd never consider another man in her life, that she had the best...I had to keep composure, when she said that...just thought it waas worthwhile sharing....

The thought of losing any one of my children or my dh is beyond unbearable.  When I was 17 my brother was murdered and I don't know how my parents survived.  I don't think they ever fully recovered.  At the time I thought I was going through just as much as his sister, but once I was a parent, I realized that as a parent it would be even worse for me. 

I can relate to the woman Creme referred to who didn't think she could consider another man in her life after losing her husband - I feel that way about my husband.  No one else could compare.  He is such a blessing to me.

As far as the unsent letter to future dil - well written, but she is wise not to send it.  My sister sent a similar type letter, toned down a bit, to her dil and it was a big mistake.  It caused a lot of hard feelings and I don't recommend it. 

jkm - I just love your humor!!!!!!
 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #32 on: March 13, 2010, 09:33:56 AM »
I feel that way about my husband, too; he's such a prince. The crown simply can't pass. Also, there is a part of me that feels I need to learn to live independently when that is forced on m, (he is 98 and failing.) I have been married 60 years...all of my adult life (the last 20 to Val.) There is also another part of me that doesn't want to negotiate my life with another person again. That's a two-sided sword because there is the assignment to learn to differentiate between aloneness and loneliness.

I too, have lost a child. My eldest son died of sleep apnea that caused a stroke at 52.  I've written about that at length elsewhere on our forum. We were both working very hard to get through our issues but hadn't gotten past walking-on-eggs. His widow wrote me a horrible hate letter nine days after he died, blaming me for every problem he ever had and painting me as pure evil.

We all react in our own unique way to loss, I suppose. My neighbor just lost her Mother and her dog and she misses her dog more. The dog lived with her and gave her unconditional love and her mother was in a nursing home with dementia. I guess I can understand that.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #33 on: March 15, 2010, 05:33:48 AM »
I can't imagine not saving my grandchildren first, then my children.  Husbands come and go(50% divorce rate).  Husbands often die first anyway.  Of course I mat be a tad biased.  I have been hapily single since 1996. LOL

your post reminded me of three women I know who just lost they're husbands, this past year...they had very good marriages, and one of them told me, she'd never consider another man in her life, that she had the best...I had to keep composure, when she said that...just thought it waas worthwhile sharing....

The thought of losing any one of my children or my dh is beyond unbearable.  When I was 17 my brother was murdered and I don't know how my parents survived.  I don't think they ever fully recovered.  At the time I thought I was going through just as much as his sister, but once I was a parent, I realized that as a parent it would be even worse for me. 

I can relate to the woman Creme referred to who didn't think she could consider another man in her life after losing her husband - I feel that way about my husband.  No one else could compare.  He is such a blessing to me.

As far as the unsent letter to future dil - well written, but she is wise not to send it.  My sister sent a similar type letter, toned down a bit, to her dil and it was a big mistake.  It caused a lot of hard feelings and I don't recommend it. 

jkm - I just love your humor!!!!!!

Hope, I'm very very sorry to read about your brother....I can't imagine it either...very difficult...and one must have a whole lot of faith to survive that...but people do...and the one thing which probably drives them on is that they know they're child wouldn't want them to suffer....and we'd feel the same way for our children, if we'd pass away....

Hugs to you

leslie9800

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #34 on: March 16, 2010, 09:27:47 AM »
The fact that you use references to the notion that you don't need your DIL to set "boundaries" Shows me that you have absolutely no sense of personal boundaries and your DIL has been forced to set them for you!!! Its obvious to me you don't want anyone setting boundaries because you believe your son and DIL do not deserve any privacy. And you want to feel free to be as intrusive as you desire!! Anything to do with their relationship, finances, debt, wedding plans, child rearing views, career choices, decorating styles, wardrobe choices, purchases they make, or their plans for the holidays, or even down to what they had for dinner is none of you business!
And please at any time you feel the desire or need to visit without calling first or without a clear cut invitation-resist the urge!! You are imposing!!!!!! When they want or need your advice rest assured they will come ask for it! Their is no need to force it upon them! All you will manage to do is permanently destroy your relationship with your son and ruin any chances of having any contact with your future grandchildren! I warn you! Tread lightly or you will lose your son forever! His loyalty lies with his wife as it should!  P.S. Manipulating and guilt trips won't get you anywhere either!
« Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 03:06:00 PM by luise.volta »

cocobars

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #35 on: March 16, 2010, 09:39:39 AM »
Well, I'm sorry you took offense to this post Leslie.  Welcome.  I don't believe you will get any argument from anyone here that the MIL doesn't belong in the DH and DIL's lives.  We have many other DIL's on this site who I believe know that.

Really, just go through some of the other posts here and read them, so you can see that is not what Wise Women Unite is about. 

I hope you do, and I hope you see what I'm telling you is true.  We are not here to interfere, anymore than we believe DIL's are just trying to make us miserable, but we are all trying to learn from eachother about how to have that healthy relationship we all want.

Hugging you!  And yes, I hope you feel that!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #36 on: March 16, 2010, 09:40:37 AM »
Would you please modify your post by taking out the capital letters and multiple exclamation marks? Thanks. That is considered "shouting", isn't needed and can be inflammatory. The letter wasn't sent...it was hypothetical reflecting some very difficult history that has been experienced here. We're all on the same "side" here which is to do our best.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

RedRose

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #37 on: March 16, 2010, 09:42:07 AM »
Leslie,

Your attitude is one of hate, this site is not like that...you need to read more before you post.

cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #38 on: March 16, 2010, 11:08:20 AM »
The fact that you use references to the notion that you don't need your DIL to set "boundaries" Shows me that you have absolutely no sense of personal boundaries and your DIL has been forced to set them for you!!! Its obvious to me you don't want anyone setting boundaries because you believe your son and DIL do not deserve any privacy. And you want to feel free to be as intrusive as you desire!! Anything to do with their relationship, finances, debt, wedding plans, child rearing views, career choices, decorating styles, wardrobe choices, purchases they make, or their plans for the holidays, or even down to what they had for dinner IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And please at any time you feel the desire or need to visit without calling first or without a clear cut invitation-RESIST THE URGE!! You are imposing!!!!!! When they want or need your advice rest assured they will come ask for it! Their is no need to force it upon them! All you will manage to do is permanentl destroy your relationship with your son and ruin any chances of having any contact with your future grandchildren!!! I WARN YOU!!! TREAD LIGHTLY! OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR SON FOREVER!! HIS LOYALTY LIES WITH HIS WIFE AS IT SHOULD!!!  P.S. Manipulating and guilt trips won't get you anywhere either!

I totally understand where you are coming from and what your trying to say Leslie...however, I'm guessing your saying this with a lot of anger due to the fact that you are having trouble with your MIL or future MIL?  Not everyone is alike, and while we mother's do forget, that our son's have married someone who didn't grow up like we did, with our beliefs and traditions...we become excited to have this new member in our family and yes, maybe even a daughter....what we don't realize is what you said...that our son's have married a completely ifferent person with different ideas and beliefs....

We also forget we were young once, and how we felt when our MIL's intruded....I'm not siding here with anyone, but what I'm trying to explain, is, we forget, and expect things to stay the same, and they don't.  and that is the hardest most difficult thing to understand...that, we must leave our son's go and become guests in they're homes...b/c that home is not just they're but also they're wives which doesn't give us entitlement to intrude....and we do, we overstep our boundaries...way to much....there are some mother's that are really smothering, and what makes you young wives angry is the fact that you fear saying anything, and by the time you do, it's way to late, your so stressed out your ready to boil, and it comes out wrong, or in other ways...but your MIL does know your angry with her.

What it's all about is lack of communication between the MIL and DIL....and I believe if your dealing with two mature people, there is no reason why two of you cannot sit down and discuss things...reasonable, taking ownership and listening, even if you don't like what they are saying...

I know DIL's and MIL's who get along famously, why is that...?  Matter of fact, all of my family and friends get along so well with they're DIL's...why?  Well, I think it's b/c neither of them feel like they have to win...they compromise...

One of the hardest things to do, is admit that we're wrong, and say I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to do that...it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings.

I read, and I don't know if it was in here, but where a MIL, went into a DIL's home and cleaned her door window....now what If I came into your home and did that?  Some people could care less, however, what it says to some is, YOUR HOME IS FILTHY...and that's a horrible thing to do to a DIL...you don't go into your friends home and tell them how to decorate they're home, or clean they're home....I remember when I visited my DIL's home, I wanted to run the vaccume for her, b/c I was there visiting, however, I betcha she took offense to that offer...at the time I had longer hair and it fell out all over the place, and I was so embarrassed I wanted to clean it up off the bathroom floor...but I betcha, when I asked her if I could do it, it hurt her feelings...why, b/c she didn't know why and I was so embarrassed I didn't want to tell her why...and that is the way things start...over little things...

Leslie, we would value your input if you want to contribute...however, I am suggesting the only way we're going to learn together is if you tone down your words to a softer and more caring way....and I know you can do that, and I realize, it took a lot of courage for you to come in here and post...and perhaps it's a wall of anger, not intended towards us, but with a problem you yourself are experiencing. 

We get no where with anger and malace, and everywhere by discussing an issue and listenting to each other....and yes, there must be boundaries in every home...

I would hate it if someone stopped by my home without calling first...I work all week long, so I don't want company a lot, and I don't expect people to stay and stay and stay.  Short visits are nice...
I'm sorry but that is the way I am...when I have dinner guests, I expect everyone to sit around the table and have a good time...I don't want company getting up and clearning my table, or washing my dishes....they are the guests...but, Leslie, everyone is different...my entire family were the kind of people who just dropped by, and that has a lot to do with the older generation...in our days, our worlds were much smaller, we didn't drive to other towns, we didn't have cars..therefore, we visited each other...a lot...even neighborhoods were closer...you knocked on the door and walked in...however, not everyone was like that either...and do you bleieve none of us locked our doors back then?  We lived in small towns....

So, we need understanding and patience from both sides here if we are going to help each other...
you can't walk into a site as the new kid, yelling at someone and expect to get a public welcome...however, I understand your fears and your anger, and suggest you come back and talk to us....tell us what is going on and lets discuss this...together...as a team who cares about each other and getting along?

Whataya say?

Creme
« Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 11:18:00 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Scoop

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #39 on: March 16, 2010, 11:13:31 AM »
Leslie, another thing ... as a DIL, my first reaction to this letter WAS to get my back up. 

BUT then I went to Members, selected CatchingUp, and selected to read all of her posts.

If you do that, you will see that she is not one of *those* MIL's and she is in fact dealing with one of *those* DIL's.

This is a different kind of message board - you just can't come storming in like that.  I'm sorry you got off on the wrong foot, try and lurk for a bit and then do some research before posting next time.




catchingup

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #40 on: March 16, 2010, 01:43:37 PM »
The fact that you use references to the notion that you don't need your DIL to set "boundaries" Shows me that you have absolutely no sense of personal boundaries and your DIL has been forced to set them for you!!! Its obvious to me you don't want anyone setting boundaries because you believe your son and DIL do not deserve any privacy. And you want to feel free to be as intrusive as you desire!! Anything to do with their relationship, finances, debt, wedding plans, child rearing views, career choices, decorating styles, wardrobe choices, purchases they make, or their plans for the holidays, or even down to what they had for dinner IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And please at any time you feel the desire or need to visit without calling first or without a clear cut invitation-RESIST THE URGE!! You are imposing!!!!!! When they want or need your advice rest assured they will come ask for it! Their is no need to force it upon them! All you will manage to do is permanentl destroy your relationship with your son and ruin any chances of having any contact with your future grandchildren!!! I WARN YOU!!! TREAD LIGHTLY! OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR SON FOREVER!! HIS LOYALTY LIES WITH HIS WIFE AS IT SHOULD!!!  P.S. Manipulating and guilt trips won't get you anywhere either!

Leslie you sound as if you have an interferring mother-in-law.
You aught to read my posts--I had a mother -in-law who was a sergeant major in the second world war.
She had a full time domestic,char and gardener and handed out orders left right and center.
She had her children standing up and saying good evening sir to their father --goodness I hugged and kissed my dad hello.
Then I came on the scene and when I married her son I couldn't make my own choices.
She wanted to choose the curtains,do the garden amd believe you me if I tried to do or did anything it was criticized.
She dug a hole so deep it was impossible to get out of it
Who would take advise from a person who kept on and on critizing one??
She would even walk into other peoples homes and rearrange the flowers in a vase--and believe me march in like a sergeant major.

As a result I will not interfere in any of my sons lives but now have a FDIL  who's family want to drag me into arguments. I dont want to be a bone of contention in my sons relationships.
I will not get involved because of my own experiance.

So here you have someone who understands exactly where you are coming from.
Nevertheless sometimes there are DIL's who will make a devil of a MIL whether she interferes or not.
She will be jealous of anything that may seem a closeness in a mother son relationship so it seems we cant win.
I say there is no solution unless ofcourse the DIL and MIL happen to hit it off.

I have an idea that one of my FDIL and her mother are 2 dangerous women and I intend steering clear.
Ofcourse she can be close to her mother but her future husband belongs to her--How selfish but too bad.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #41 on: March 16, 2010, 03:07:15 PM »
So, I thinK the post is question looks more user-friendly now.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline isitme?

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #42 on: March 16, 2010, 03:56:53 PM »
Leslie, another thing ... as a DIL, my first reaction to this letter WAS to get my back up. 

BUT then I went to Members, selected CatchingUp, and selected to read all of her posts.

If you do that, you will see that she is not one of *those* MIL's and she is in fact dealing with one of *those* DIL's.

This is a different kind of message board - you just can't come storming in like that.  I'm sorry you got off on the wrong foot, try and lurk for a bit and then do some research before posting next time.

I think this is the best advice for every DIL that comes here looking for advice!

Offline Pen

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #43 on: March 16, 2010, 04:21:54 PM »
Thank you, Isitme...I agree.

Leslie, we truly do value DIL points of view because we are trying hard to maintain a relationship with our DSs and DILs. Most of us are hurting; if you go into the 'way back machine you'll read some heartbreaking stories. I can't speak for all MILs, but I know my own experiences as both a DIL and a MIL give me a perspective DILs alone don't have. I learned from being a DIL not to hover, not to drop in, not to criticize. I've been a model MIL, almost too hands-off. However, my DIL is very critical. She and DS tell us when they're coming for visits. Holidays are dictated by  DIL's desires. DS & DIL have not invited us to their house except to help them move. DIL has already told me that her parents are perfect and that our parenting was awful, so I'm guessing she's letting us know that we will not be involved as grandparents. DS has been very hurt and upset by her behavior, but we've reminded him that he needs to work it out with his wife since she comes first.

DIL's behavior has made me very sad - I've spent many times after a visit in tears over things she's said or done. Her family shuns us. We just aren't up to their standards, so we're treated like dirt. DH wants to see his son, and so do I, so we put on our smiles and put up with her rudeness. We miss our son, miss the great converstions we used to have, miss doing things with him. We put a lot of time and effort into raising him, giving him a good solid home life, extra-curricular activities, support, a college education, etc. To suddenly be "out" because DIL doesn't like us is heartbreaking.

So, Leslie, I hope you can see that not all MILs are monsters. I know they exist, I had one and so did my mother, but the women (and we did have one FIL as well) on this site are very dear. Give us a chance, and give us any loving feedback you have.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 05:59:36 PM by penstamen »
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #44 on: March 16, 2010, 05:25:42 PM »
And surely from what you've read today, you know that we don't think all DILs are monsters, either. We changed out name from Mpther in Laws Unite to Wise Women Unite because so many DILs lovingly joined us.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher