Author Topic: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law  (Read 11171 times)

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jkm426

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2010, 08:38:04 AM »
To clarify...I don't want to be right.  I want to be "free to be me"(Marlo Thomas anyone?).  I could care less how she arranges her home, her closets, her life. 
I have traditions too.  They deserve the same respect as my FDIL's. 
Here is the thing which really gets me.  Don't tell me your plans and expect a "Wow, thats wonderful.", if I don't feel that way.  I wouldn't expect you to do the same, if I wanted to, say blow my savings on a trip to Vegas or any other not so bright thing.  I am allowed to disagree with you without thinking it is an attack.  You are allowed  to disagree with me and I promise I won't think it is an attack. 
My DIL(son #1 wife) has spoiled me so.  She and I, can and have disagreed on numerous subjects.  We both feel free to express our opinions to each other and have since day one. No one ever walks away feeling attacked or needing to "cut the other one off."   It also helps we are similar in many ways.  We read the same books and often pass them between ourselves.  Our kitchens are decorated in the same theme and we kid about who copied who, although neither of remember. 
ETA: To FDIL
My sons love for you in no way diminishes his for me or visa versa.  You are his soon to be bride and I am Mom.  Totally different loves both equal and strong. 

cocobars

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2010, 08:43:41 AM »
That last sentence should be put on a plaque!  Very wise , jkm! :)

Marilyn

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #17 on: March 12, 2010, 08:50:46 AM »
I love that last sentence too Coco! :) :) :)
« Last Edit: March 12, 2010, 10:01:08 AM by Mominwaiting »

cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #18 on: March 12, 2010, 09:20:20 AM »
My sons love for you in no way diminishes his for me or visa versa.  You are his soon to be bride and I am Mom.  Totally different loves both equal and strong. 

Whoa!!!!

I love it and yes, should be on a plaque!!!!

Sassy

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2010, 09:23:10 AM »
This thread has me recall the time author Ayelet Waldman (Daughter's Keeper) confessed in the New York Times that she loved her husband more than her four children.

She was in love with her husband, but not her children.  She felt she could survive her children's deaths, if she'd have him, but feared that she could not survive his death.

The "cultural" backlash against her was swift and immediate (Oprah, The View).  It was considered heresy.  In the wake of the furor, she titled her next book, Bad Mother.

"As a parent, I am absolutely certain of only one thing: my own fallibility."

2chickiebaby

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2010, 09:32:03 AM »
Definitely a "Sophie's Choice" moment.  I have 2 friends who said the same thing to me when my kids were small and hers were too. I was shocked when they said, "if we were stranded at sea and captising and I could only save one, I'd save my husband"

I think it goes against the grain of a Mother to think that but some do.

jkm426

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #21 on: March 12, 2010, 09:39:07 AM »
I can't imagine not saving my grandchildren first, then my children.  Husbands come and go(50% divorce rate).  Husbands often die first anyway.  Of course I mat be a tad biased.  I have been hapily single since 1996. LOL

cocobars

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2010, 09:44:55 AM »
I guess you can count me in on that Chickie and JKM!  I read that and thought - "second book titled Bad Mother?  Appropriately!"  HAHAHA!

Husband is a "big boy" and should be out there saving the kids next to his wife.  Just my feelings... :)

renny97

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2010, 10:10:46 AM »
and smile while waving good bye...

So, touching how you are evolving and growing, Creme.

MIW, noticed my changes since my first post, and it is like a playback of how we can work
through thoughts and learn and become more aware.

Ren

cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2010, 11:18:03 AM »
I can't imagine not saving my grandchildren first, then my children.  Husbands come and go(50% divorce rate).  Husbands often die first anyway.  Of course I mat be a tad biased.  I have been hapily single since 1996. LOL

your post reminded me of three women I know who just lost they're husbands, this past year...they had very good marriages, and one of them told me, she'd never consider another man in her life, that she had the best...I had to keep composure, when she said that...just thought it waas worthwhile sharing....




cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2010, 11:21:20 AM »
and smile while waving good bye...

So, touching how you are evolving and growing, Creme.

MIW, noticed my changes since my first post, and it is like a playback of how we can work
through thoughts and learn and become more aware.

Ren

Whew, Ren, thank you, I cannot express in words how I feel...no more dark clouds following me around everyday...LOL

Sassy

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2010, 12:51:44 PM »
The Bad Mother public outrage that followed Ayelet Waldman's declaration that she loved someone else more than her children, is almost ironic given this wonderful board.

The MILs on the internets are often accused of loving their sons "too much."  As if loving your son's a sin, or a sign of a personality problem. Or that it's weakness, or a debilitation, for a mother to love her son with all of her heart, more than anyone else.  Gasp, perhaps a mother does loves her son more than her husband.   Yet the culture at large villianizes a Harvard lawyer turned stay-at-home mom, for explaining how her love for her four children is not the hub of her emotional universe.  She received hate mail taped to her front gate.  Oprah's audience booed her.

The vehement reaction to her honest personal statement, would make it seem to be a "Good Mother" in our culture, is to love your child more than anyone else.  To have your child be more important to your emotions, than your soul mate and life partner.

"If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children."

If these internets are any indication, then Good Mother is "supposed to" love her son more than anyone else.....until, of course, his 18th bday or the day he gets a girlfriend. 
Then as of that day, and no later, Good Mother is supposed to now love him less. Perhaps as of that one day, Good Mother is then culturally "allowed" to love her husband more, without being cast as "Bad Mother."    If anyone knows how to set their emotions on a calendar, let me know.

Perhaps because no emotional calendar switch is needed, the "Bad Mother" may be better prepared to be the internet's idea of the "Good" Mother In Law. 

cocobars

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2010, 01:08:54 PM »
I don't believe the feelings I expressed said anything about "who I loved more."  What I meant in my statement is that the parents are responsible for their young children.  As a mother, I can tell you that if I didn't try to save a helpless child, then I would have no reason to survive myself, because guilt would haunt the rest of my days.  I don't believe it was a "measure of love" that outraged society, but maybe an outrage that a parent wouldn't protect her own helpless child...

Just my feelings.

Sassy

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2010, 02:01:06 PM »
JKM I didn't mean to go off topic, the plaque statement about parental and spousal loves being equal and strong loves, that reminded me of that old story.  Thought it could be interesting what could it tell us today, to give understanding about conflicting cultural messages about love.

Your DIL #1 seems to get you, and get herself.  FDIL sounds like she could be like a lot of girls I know.  Some insecure people really do take disagreement as insults.  Even about personal things, like music or desserts. 

You welcome differing points of view, because you understand another person's point of view is uniquely theirs for their reasons, and so it's no reflection of you, or the value of your opinions.  If I find out more, I can change my opinion.  (To learn there exists a finer treat than Red Velvet Cupcakes would be my pleasure). The value of my opinions, is no reflection of my value.  But not everyone has the same conviction.  Some people have a ton of self-doubt.   They seek not healthy exchange of ideas, but simply approval.  Especially from maternal figures (teacher, boss, mentor, relatives).  That's OK, that's just what they seek in interactions.

I've seen students cry or break into hives when a teacher adds to their already good answer.   They'll talk about it for the rest of the semester.  Attempts at devil's advocate  result in claims of being publicly humiliated.  They don't want to learn from the teacher they're paying to teach them, they just want the teacher to tell them their answers are right, so they can feel good about themselves.  Sometimes I think they don't even care if their info's right, as much as to be told they are.

Plenty of people react as if a different opinion is an attack, FDIL might be one of those types.  With people like that whom I want to feel comfortable with me (family, co-workers, friends of friends) I admit, I tend to nod a lot.   I'll find something positive in what they say and focus on that.  If don't feel like some of my opinions are going to be wanted, or helpful to the convivality, why bother.   I know my own opinions, and those closest to me know them.  When it doesn't affect me, it's easier to just listen, than to share like I usually do. I don't have to spout em all over every time, LOL.  I can still be me.  I don't have to show every side of me to everyone, especially when what they mainly want to talk about is them. 

And to get back on topic, that's my two cents on how I try to communicate with those prone to feeling disagreement is disapproval .
« Last Edit: March 12, 2010, 02:50:15 PM by Sassy »

Sassy

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2010, 02:31:38 PM »
Coco maybe I didn't do the Waldman story justice.  She took care of her children, was a devoted stay at home mother who protected and mommy-and-me educated her children. 
It was only her statement about feeling "more" spousal versus parental love in a newspaper Modern Love column, that prompted the label "Bad Mother" and caused the young mother media blitz against her.   (She also happened to write that she feels her husband loves her children more than her.)

It just seemed like cultural hypocracy, for society to send one loud message that Bad Mother is a woman who will not put her great love for her children at her axis,
and yet the same society (vis a vis internets) will try to say the same woman, the same Good Mother love is somehow "wrong" for her to have, depending on the month of the calendar.

I am thinking of motherhood, and reading JKM's words, the idea that I could possibly feel love for someone equal to or greater than the love I feel for my husband, and the supposed evolution of love, then when they grow up where the love goes.....is supposed to go, and, then leading to thoughts of DH's mother, of course, and her love for him.  Thank you for listening.  Have a great weekend everyone.

 
Modified - If it interests anyone

The original Modern Love column  http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html

Article about the cultural firestorm that followed  http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/04/AR2009050403451.html
« Last Edit: March 12, 2010, 03:09:32 PM by Sassy »