Author Topic: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law  (Read 11181 times)

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jkm426

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A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« on: March 11, 2010, 04:20:53 PM »
FDIL,

I am a person with feelings.  I am a human who will make mistakes, say things you don't like ans sometimes speak without thinking.  Much, like yourself.
 I am the mother of three, mother-in-law of two and grandmother of three.  I am a daughter, sister and aunt.  I am a friend and an employee. I am your future husbands mother.  I must have done something right, after all you choose him.  He didn't raise himself.  What I am not is a puppy to be trained or fenced in with boundaries.  How would you feel if I thought it was my place to train YOU?
 
You and I come from very different place and have had different life experiences.  Just because you are marrying my son doesn't mean I will greet everything you and by extension my son decide to do with a big HURRAY.  I am entitled to my opinions. I have NO intention of changing who I am or what I think to please you. You can not mold me into what you think I should be anymore than I can mold you into what I think you should be.

What you and I owe each other is courtesy and respect.  I fully intend to hold up my end of that bargain.  I hope you will do the same.

(I am not sending this...I just wanted to get this off my chest)  Thoughts?  Anyone else fee this way?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2010, 04:28:50 PM »
That's exquisite! I could adapt it so easily to a letter to a future MIL. It is about relating with respect and honoring individuality. What a concept! Beautiful!

The hard part about it for me is that many don't need such a communication, they are great from the get-go and those who do need it probably wouldn't read it, understand it or put it to use. I wonder why that is? We are often so *right* in our wrongness.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2010, 05:24:45 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cocobars

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2010, 04:31:28 PM »
Here Here!  I do believe you have a letter worth reading!  I know it's one worth response and if it weren't a letter, I would say it is definately - sendable!  The only problems with letters is that you can't look into someone's eyes and see "sincerity." 

This was a good thing!  Thank you!

Absolutely no corrections...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2010, 05:26:14 PM »
That's true...no corrections, just appreciation. That would be a great letter, too, on the eve of a marriage for a future wife to give to future husband.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2010, 05:50:00 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

momX3

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2010, 05:47:49 PM »
I love the letter.
Wouldn't it be great to have this imprinted inside of a greeting card (Hallmark or American Greetings)?

Future DIL could comprehend the words/message on her own........
If DIL became huffy after reading it, we could literally say "it is just a card."    ;)

Again, the words are so honest and from the heart.
I wish I would have had this letter to send to my DIL prior to my son's wedding.

2chickiebaby

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2010, 06:31:27 PM »
MomX3,
I can see a DIL getting card. 

This is what she'd say:

 "I can't believe this!! Who does your mother think she is!!  Are you going to stand up for me?? I am not going to allow this woman to talk to me in a mean way!  Are you going to tell her off?  I am your wife...you need to stand up for me. Look what she has done to me!!!  She doesn't know we're a family! Are you going to stand up for me?  She's trying to take over our family. Are you going to stand up for me?  We need to cut her off!!  She is in cut off starting now!!"

momX3

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2010, 08:33:04 PM »

LOL..........you are so right.
That is exactly what my DIL would say.


cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2010, 04:26:28 AM »
Quote
luise.volta


The hard part about it for me is that many don't need such a communication, they are great from the get-go and those who do need it probably wouldn't read it, understand it or put it to use. I wonder why that is? We are often so *right* in our wrongness.

Your perceptions Luise are extremely astute....

I think for the very reasons I did the same thing, I couldn't view anyone else's point of view but mine....I was very foolish in thinking that every thing in my life was to stay the same when my son married...I wasn't able to view, that another life now was to be learned and observed as valid and valuable, even thought our feelings about things were so different...

We were both much younger then...and I believe we've matured and grown....and we both wanted it to work...we both dropped our guards and finally listened to each other, instead of insisting we were right and valid in our feelings...and refusing to acknowledge that we did hurt each other...

I needed to change...to realize change was also going to effect our lives...to learn to back off and allow...and smile while waving good bye...
« Last Edit: March 12, 2010, 04:31:09 AM by cremebrulee »

cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2010, 04:54:13 AM »
Quote
jkm

Quote
I am a person with feelings.  I am a human who will make mistakes, say things you don't like ans sometimes speak without thinking.  Much, like yourself.


We are both human beings, with feelings...we are people who have and will continue to make mistakes....say things we don't like, and will unfortunately at times, speak without thinking.

Quote
I am the mother of three, mother-in-law of two and grandmother of three.  I am a daughter, sister and aunt.  I am a friend and an employee. I am your future husbands mother.  I must have done something right, after all you choose him.  He didn't raise himself.  What I am not is a puppy to be trained or fenced in with boundaries.  How would you feel if I thought it was my place to train YOU?


I understand your feelings, and they are correct, however, I don't believe your DIL means to make it sound like she wants to train you, she simply wants you to respect her ways of doing things...and accepting her ways of doing things as who she is, even if you don't think and feel the same way?  And there must be boundaries...and I say this in all love and understanding of how you feel, however, just b/c my son married someone, doesn't entitle me to walk into they're home and do things the way I would normally do things in mine...I am a guest in her home, and it is her home, as well as my sons...they are now a couple, a whole differnent entity which is going to require new rules...she isn't going to be like you...she's excited to start her own traditions, her own way of doing things, she is now a wife and eager to please you and her husband, but only in the way that she was trained to do by her parents...
 
Quote
You and I come from very different place and have had different life experiences.  Just because you are marrying my son doesn't mean I will greet everything you and by extension my son decide to do with a big HURRAY.  I am entitled to my opinions. I have NO intention of changing who I am or what I think to please you. You can not mold me into what you think I should be anymore than I can mold you into what I think you should be.

I would write, we come from very different places...with differnt life experiences....and we won't always agree...we have much life to conquere, and change is always inevitable, the world keeps on turning, as we, humans keep on evolving, learning and growing...I'm looking forward to sharing that road and learning from each other....and we have so much to learn together...

Quote
What you and I owe each other is courtesy and respect.  I fully intend to hold up my end of that bargain.  I hope you will do the same.


Excellent

Quote
(I am not sending this...I just wanted to get this off my chest)  Thoughts? 
Anyone else fee this way

I used to feel this way, but then I wanted change more then anything, and realized this was effecting everyone in a very bad way, not just me...I realized, my thoughts and actions dictate to others in either a kind way or a very negative way....and I realized, if I wanted change, I was the one who was going to have to start changing.  Change is inevidable, until the day we die...and if we fight change, we hurt ourselves...we constantly grow for all of our lives, through all the people we meet, we are constantly learning....evolving...into a better plain...I believe our journey is to find peace...and sometimes I ponder if we aren't thrown together on purpose...to learn what we need to learn to continue to flourish in this life....

I tried to think of it this way...earth has a soul....so does every living thing, including my DIL...and everyone in my life that I've disagreed with...I've also learned, it's my choice, and a lot of things which happen to me are by my choice...do I want to be stubborn, and stagnate my journey, or continue learning...?

I think this is a wonderful vent, and much needed...however, if you sent this to your DIL, I believe it would only make things worse....only because it sounds athoritative, and more like, your telling her, she needs to respect you, and think, act and feel the way you do...and I know you don't mean it that way....but I wrote a letter to my DIL similar to this once, and it only made things worse...she took it very wrong and not the way I meant it...why?  Because she felt the very same exact way....

I hope you know, I do understand your thoughts and feelings and my intention is to help you see...not hurt you...

I would like to suggest, you take that letter, and pretend it came from her, and read it as if she were sending it to you, then ask yourself, how would I feel if she sent this to me.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2010, 05:10:48 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2010, 07:04:44 AM »
To me, being" right" has been a cover-up for fear. Being open and willing to listen suggested that I didn't "know" and I wasn't wise enough for decades to understand that "not knowing is a learning stance" and offers the greatest riches of all.

What I picture when two people are both presenting the "be right" posture...is two people who are wearing ear plugs and are shouting at each other without ever hearing a thing. No one is present and no movement is possible.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Scoop

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2010, 07:29:12 AM »
I was thinking about this too.  I'm so glad that Creme chimed in - I love what she said and I don't think it would have been taken the same way, if it was written by a DIL.

The idea that came to my head was of a new person coming into a crowded place, they will never fit in if you don't scooch a bit and make some room for them.

JKM I hope that your FDIL doesn't expect to come in and sprawl herself out.  But I also hope that you and your family will scooch a bit to make some room for her.

Scoop
PS - I didn't check or anything, but I do believe that "scooch" is a technical term  ;D  ;D

2chickiebaby

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2010, 07:37:00 AM »
H ;DAHAHA .....good one, Scoop


Offline luise.volta

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2010, 07:41:30 AM »
No, to be absolutely correct...I think scootch a "scientifical" term! Hardy-har-har-har!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2010, 07:48:18 AM »
I'm laughing so hard....

you guys are great!

2chickiebaby

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Re: A Letter to Future Daughter-In-Law
« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2010, 07:50:04 AM »
Totally scientific, Luise :)