Author Topic: How I found peace  (Read 523 times)

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cremebrulee

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How I found peace
« on: March 09, 2010, 12:06:35 PM »
I don't know if this will help anyone, but would like to share

When son married DIL, I was single, just left my husband and was a mess...literally, a mess...I had just found out my husband ran around on me, since before we were even married....it was awful, I was so in love with him...and never knew him...imagine that....

I went to the Bahamas for Christmas vacation...(it never bothered me to travel alone)
So the cottage I rented was 50 feet from the ocean, on an island that hadn't at the time had any resorts or commercial touristy stuff...which I love...peace and quiet.

 Well, for several years I spent my time asking myself...what did I do that was so bad that my husband treated me like that, to make him want to destroy his marriage, destroy us...?

Then, while in the Bahamas while sitting alone, at peace, watching many beautiful sun riseses and sunsets...I realized, that my questions about him, and all the why's would and could only be found by self examination....so...I started to change, I felt at one with the sea...and nature...it was absolutely beautiful, I at that time felt I had found God, when who I really found was me, for the first time in my life...needless to say, I returned to that island 3 times.

It took many years of self examination...and facing my mistakes and misgivings, which is humbling to say the least...

To make a long story short, I started to ask myself, why did I marry this man...
answers:  Which are all the wrong reasons

Because I needed help financially
I was hungry to love and be loved
I was lonely
Because society deemed you have to be married to be successful, but I believe that is finally slowly changing..
women in my day mostly got married and had children, but I really wanted to go to college...it was suggested to me, I marry instead...

Why did I choose this man...

Because he asked me to marry him...
because I thought I loved him, but I didn't even really know him


So what did I learn?

I learned that you need to find someone who is compatible, meaning, mentally compatible, to make sure that he/she possesses the same morals, spiritual beliefs, political beliefs...etc...if you don't, you wake up one day realizing your living someone else's idea of what marriage should be, and loosing yourself, your identity...

my husband and I were like mutt and Jeff, and to boot, I saw many flags....do you know he told me he ran around on his first wife?  I must have been nuts to marry him in the first place...or very very hungry and trusting...really naieve....really naieve...sheeesh... :o

But over time, I realized, he only did the best that he could do mentally...he was raised to believe, it was ok to run around...

we were not a good match at all....

so while on the island, I learned freedom, and the best way to find answers is by self examination...which is what sets us free...however, you must be able to face one's own demons...admit them, accept them, take ownership and then change them....I do know that people do not change unless they really really want to, and can admit to themselves that they've got some mountains to climb...but you have to want change so bad you can taste it...you have to realize, your not a bad person, you've just adopted some very wrong ideas about things...and it is a constant work in progress, it never ends...

Oddly, I should have applied the same thing to my problem with DIL...and I didn't....I was to personally & emotionally involved, and made the same mistakes...wanting so badly to have a family again...however, my DIL is only doing the best that she knows how to do, with the  childhood tools she was given, which isn't much....

Someday, perhaps when she is my age, she will understand...I hope so...I do...

I don't know if anyone can apply this to they're own lives, but I do know this, one has to make plans, to do something to look foreward to, like week end getaways...and it's good to go by yourself once in a while so you have time to objectively view who you are, openly and honestly without making any excuses for oneself.

hugs
Creme


« Last Edit: March 09, 2010, 02:13:34 PM by cremebrulee »