Author Topic: Serious Question  (Read 6610 times)

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cremebrulee

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #30 on: March 09, 2010, 02:16:19 PM »
When I look at it objectively, most of it is just fluff (pointed non-gifts, slighting comments, etc) but there was a line crossed, that cannot be uncrossed and it almost cost me my marriage.  I have since decided that non-contact is for the best, and it has truly "unleashed the beast", who has told me that I could never come between a mother and son, and is using everything in her passive/agressive arsenal to prove it.

 I would like you to read the thread "My story with my MIL" and the story I gave on page 2.

My marriage also suffered and if your mother-in-law is making snide comments please I beg of you answer her back on the spot.

Ask her what she means by that or ask her if she is trying to hurt you.--
Sometimes we are so shocked we say nothing.

How I wish I had answered her back sooner than I did. All the things left unsaid are never resolved within us. We carry them with us

To this day I think of some of the things she did and said and I say to myself "What a butch"

I knew it would be wrong to keep her son away from her and I never did.
She was a very controlling person(so was her son for that matter)

I would however, never allow my children to be alone with her because she was a real sergeant major.
I have nothing against children being taught to stand up when an adult enters the room but to make your own children stand up and say"Good evening sir" to their own father is
bull. That is the kind of thing she would have tried.

I did not trust her and was convinced she would go as far as putting my children against me.

She tried to break up our marriage after she realized she had lost control of me.
That was ten years after I met my husband and six years after we were married.

I now have a future daughter-in-law giving me a hard time and all I want to do is  never,ever be an interfering mother-in-law.

Most of the trouble comes from the sons mothers side and I have reached a point where I am thinking"There is no solution"

I do not have Grandchildren yet so I am in no position to say how I would feel if my DIL's kept them away from me. What I do know is that apparently most Grandmothers are besotted with grandchildren.

So I think to myself"I cannot miss something that I dont get involved with"so I will protect myself by not getting close to the Grandchildren

 I mean they will grow up and have a long live in front of them when Grandmothers dont have much time left so why waste time by  having ones life revolve round them.

I know I may sound hard but actually I am a very sensitive person and sensitive to other peoples feelings.

What can I say but that there seems to be no solution.

I think you've bought much food for thought to the table...
and believe your right in answering back right away...I didn't and that wasn't me...but I was so afraid...I knew my DIL held the key to seeing my son and any grand children I'd have, so I didn't want to make any waves...instead I took it but not well...I did act out, by clamming up...wrong very wrong...

Orly

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #31 on: March 09, 2010, 08:57:21 PM »


Or, is the following true:  a friend of mine, long standing, told his son, "if you ever allow your wife to  treat your Mother and I like Chickie's son's wife treated them, I will never speak to you again."

His son said: "Dad, that could not have been a good home if their son allowed that treatment"



Chickie,
Your friend's son wasn't really thinking a logical thought there in my estimation.  He was making a superficial assessment as to "how" your son was raised.  He made a snap judgement about events then, based on events now, without having the facts from those years.

 I know my sons thought at one time I was just the meanest person on the earth....because I treated them like my children, not my friends.  They had the rules list and they knew the punishments that awaited them when they broke them. They really had to prove their side of the story more than once.  Thank God their "AH-HA" moments came early after they hit adulthood.  They both realize that they really were better off now, because I was strict with them then.

 My niece, who was a terror to raise, always told me she wished I had raised her.  She thought I would have been easier on her than her own mother (she thought her mother was so rough on her....NOT).  My oldest just laughed his head off and told her "oh no, you would have been cussing her up one side and down the other trying to get your own way.  Mom would have sat on your butt  big time.   AND you still wouldn't have gotten your way".  She just thought I was easier from what she saw....she really didn't think about what was going on because she couldn't experience our family's way.  So she didn't have ALL the facts... leading her down a faulty logic loop.

So don't worry about that comment being true...you did the absolute best job you could have..at the time you were living it.  Now you need to stop second guessing yourself.  As much as people would like to...you don't get "do-overs", one just has to pick their bodies up and keep on trying to do the best they can.

Kinzey

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #32 on: March 10, 2010, 07:25:29 AM »
I think part of the reason that they post on other sites is because all women, no matter if they are a dil or a mil want to hear that they are right. We don't like being told we are wrong. On this site, the daughters are the ones who are wrong, the others sites the mothers are wrong, and they are looking for someone who is on their side. They want someone to give them the approval to continue what they are doing. We are competitive by nature. We daughters want to be the only ones who are right in our marriage and with our children. I hate it when my mil gives her opinion because it makes me feel like she is putting me down or treating me like I'm not good enough. The other websites are a place for the girls to feel like they are not alone but they don't want to fix anything because they want to feel like they are in the right.

Marilyn

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #33 on: March 10, 2010, 07:46:33 AM »
Kinzey,it's not about being right or wrong,it's about trying to have a loving, better functioning relationship.I'm not perfect,and dont try to be.When you come from a place,of having to be right,i think thats just foolish pride.I would gladly take all the blame,if it meant,having a good relationship with my son,Dil,and grandchildren.I would do it in a heart beat!

renny97

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #34 on: March 10, 2010, 07:56:42 AM »
My question is; if a MIL stays away, would a DIL feel better? Honestly (no sarcasm intended). Let's say, we don't get along, and both are okay with that.

cremebrulee

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #35 on: March 10, 2010, 08:37:13 AM »
My question is; if a MIL stays away, would a DIL feel better? Honestly (no sarcasm intended). Let's say, we don't get along, and both are okay with that.

I cut my son and DIL out of my life for 2 years...it wasn't a snap decission, I had been thinking about it for a long long time...I didn't want them to argue over me...or about me...or have this effect they're marriage...also, I have MS, therefore, every time there was a visit that went bad, it really was upsetting for such a long time. 

In that time I cut them out of my life, not once did either one of them call...so I'm assuming they were both happy with it...and I didn't call them either...or my GD...so, I really do believe, DIL was happy with it...


cremebrulee

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #36 on: March 10, 2010, 09:12:36 AM »
Creme. I'm so sorry.  I don't think your son was happy.  I think your son, like mine just goes along to keep peace.  If I came between my hubby & his mom I would feel terrible.  I don't understand how anyone could be happy after coming between two people that love each other.  You must have agonized soooooo, before coming to your decision.  I know I have considered cutting son & dil out of my life, but I just can't do it.  Sometimes I wish I could've.  It it so hard to know what to do.

I did, and as I said, I thought about it for a long long time....however, as hard as you think it's going to be...you just can't imagine the pain...it was the most awful thing I've ever done in my life...no contact, not even with Grand daughter...awful...so, I wouldn't suggest anyone do it, unless they are very strong...because for even the strongest of strong it's difficult.

I could never understand family members who don't talk to each other...b/c they had a disagreement/argument...I can't hold a grudge, and I'm only to happy to forgive...

However, neither one of them called me, and they were home 2 or 3 times and never stopped over with my GD....

When my son and I started talking I asked him...."Do you actually believe I'd slam the door in your face"  Is that me, the person you know? 

So, two factors here....it must have been a weight off they're marriage, and surely DIL was happy with the way it was, otherwise, she would have called....but she never initiates anything, ever.  That is why I know, she will not answer my letter....if she does, I'll grow another arm out of shock....
LOL

But yeah, I agree with you, this isn't normal to do...

Offline Barbie

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #37 on: March 10, 2010, 10:18:34 AM »
We didn't see our son and Gd for 6 mos. and I believe my dil was very happy but I know for a fact my son wasn't because some friends of ours went to visit them and she told me my son looked really sad when they talked about us and he made up excuses for not seeing us saying that we were to busy traveling and going on cruises and didn't have time to get together with them. Imagine that! We did go on two cruises during that time  but that was only two weeks that we weren't available in 6 mos.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2010, 04:43:07 PM by guest1 »

renny97

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #38 on: March 10, 2010, 11:11:32 AM »
That's what I "got", too--Guest. Understandably, work, kids, and wife is alot. But, whenever they went on a brief trip, the other grandparents, would watch GC. Of course, they live further away than I do to son and family. Plus, if I saw GC inside of 3-4 months, GC would mention spending the night at Nan's...several times...Full-on rejection.

Offline Barbie

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #39 on: March 10, 2010, 01:53:20 PM »
Renny - I have to admit that I was very jelous of the other grandmother, she has many other GK's and this is my only one, my DIL's family take over everything, they have even taken away the joy of me being a grandmother, to be honest, I really don't know what it feels like to be a grandmother yet, all my friends tell me it's wonderful, I have yet to experience it and my GD is 1 1/2 years old, it's so cruel when you think about it, I longed for a grandchild for many years, but I'm trying to get on with my life, I'm leaving everything in God's hands and I pray to Him for strength. I'm getting a lot stronger...
« Last Edit: March 10, 2010, 04:42:12 PM by guest1 »

renny97

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #40 on: March 11, 2010, 07:38:17 AM »
Guest, I have 2 GC, and other G has 5 GC. And, she is the "chosen" one. DIL's have always taken over over over eveything. I used to offer to help with baby showers, wedding, and was told they didn't
need any help. Then, I overheard guests asking why their family "had to do everthing." "Didn't the other OTHER family help?" I WAS FLOORED. DIL's M, said NOTHING! Several times, for different events I would have a dish/food planned (that DIL had asked for), and DIL, maybe once, told me not to bring that because her sister was gonna bring it!

DIL, knew I had limited means, and practically laughed when I looked disappointed at the
last-minute change.The rest of the times, I would buy something, and when DIL discovered that
her parents got the same gift, would tell my son to tell me to "take it back" because they already got
had one and didn't need it. They were priority!  I had to travel to return the gift; microwave, etc. This happened repeatedly throughout the years. And, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS!?

Add, that, to all the other games--and, being kept from seeing GC--! After, the first GC was born,
I went over to see if I could get them anything and DIL wraps baby up and son saw look on my
face--DIL was going to her mother's 40 miles away! Maybe "coincidence"? Okay, she continued to
do this every time I came for the 6 months! ????

I was in tears when I told this to my own M who was still alive then. She called over my son, and
told my son what was happening and that, I'd like to see the baby. She said his wife was running
out the door every time I go over--he said, "I didn't realize it got this bad." Oh my!

So, that is the fond memories of GC days. Pitiful.

Then, as a "JOKE" she whispered she was "gonna shove ya down the stairs." "Nothing wrong here!"
And, I actually used to feel bad about the timing of my visits.."maybe" I did something "wrong"?
NOT anymore!!!!!!!! SHE is BIZARRE!!!!

All I think of now is, "GOOD LUCK!"


2chickiebaby

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #41 on: March 11, 2010, 07:49:45 AM »
You  didn't do anything wrong,Renny. It's her; it's them.  They know how they are treating you.  You can't do anything, sadly, about it. I hear you.  Sending much love. :)

Offline Pen

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #42 on: March 11, 2010, 07:59:40 AM »
So sad, so heartbreaking. Thinking of all of the GPs here who have so much love to give and aren't honored the way they should be. We have to be our own cheerleaders to get through this unfair, unnecessary situation. No GC for me yet, but I've been "told" that we'll be out and DILs parents will be everything. DS assured me that he'll make sure it doesn't happen, but I'm bracing myself. Hugs to you, Renny and Guest1! And to all the GPs here who are disposessed!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

renny97

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #43 on: March 11, 2010, 08:03:20 AM »
Thanks, and Hugs, Chicki. I am almost embarrassed now at how much I put up with. All, in the
name of the son.

renny97

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Re: Serious Question
« Reply #44 on: March 11, 2010, 12:41:58 PM »
Thank you, Anna. No wonder you are sunshine!

For every "power surge" I have in the positive direction, I "fall back" on a dark
memory. I keep working on putting those to rest. I now am aware of what I need to do, but not
easy. This situation, reminds me of the weather--have to go with the changes.

It is georgeous weather today! That helps!!!!