Author Topic: ungrateful adult children  (Read 8545 times)

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somom

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ungrateful adult children
« on: December 01, 2011, 11:21:21 AM »
I have 6 children and have always tried to celebrate with gifts and a party, or celebrate Christmasuwbrae with lots of gifts or any holiday.  None of my children have ever bought me a gift.  Last Christmas morning my family all sat and opened gifts while I sat with nothing to open.  They have never got me anything for my birthday or even remembered it.  Mother's Day I do my own celebrating because no one in my family sees fit to do so.  I am not asking much, but, boy, don't you think they should appreciate me a little more.  I am growing so weary of all their asking for everything and never thinking once about their mother.

Offline firelight

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2011, 11:28:31 AM »
That is hurtful huh.  I have been scratching my own head lately where did I go wrong....I suppose you could always do something different this year and buy yourself some gifts for under the tree and tell the kids you're going to the movies and not doing anything to celebrate.  I am considering it myself this year.   I know that is a big step though and takes courage.  Not sure if I will go through with it but it's on my mind and I just might do it.  It's that darn word "change" again that no one likes.   ;)  Love to you as you go through this difficult time.  One thing I found out on this site is we aren't alone!   Don't let anyone steal your joy! 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Offline firelight

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2011, 11:31:36 AM »
One minute I'm OK with all this craziness and want things to carry on status quo....the next minute I might get tearful if I think on it too long....and then I might just get an attitude also thinking, "these kids are self-centered spoiled brats.  To heck with them...."  haha   :P
Welcome to humanity.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Offline Doe

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2011, 11:33:56 AM »
Hey Somom-

I'm wondering if you have made it clear to them that you expect gifts back?  Or did someone give them the idea that they didn't need to get gifts for you?

Gift giving can get weird. My kids don't normally get me gifts but I've established that I don't really need anything more than an cheerful notice of the day/holiday.   When DIL entered the scene, she made DS and YS pitch in to buy a big MD gift basket of bathroom items in a heavy fragrance that I couldn't bear.  She told my husband how much she had spent and that she expected a thank-you from me.  Geez, I would rather just have a note from DS..

Offline firelight

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2011, 11:49:13 AM »
If you still want to celebrate with the kids this year, you could always suggest throwing names in a hat.....but you need to have an even number of names in the hat!   ;D  then no one goes without a gift and saves money too.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Sassy

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2011, 11:55:09 AM »
Six children all doing the same thing.  They think it's the tradition by now.   You do for them, and they don't disappoint you by showing up. 

My first thought is stop doing gifts, and see if they notice.  Since it doesn't seem they don't want to exchange gifts.

My second thought is practical.  Said within a month, then a variation repeated a week or two out:
This year for Mother's Day, I'd love to go out for pancakes.
My birthday is on April first!!  I can't wait to open my cards!
If you call them to ask what they'd like for Christmas,  then give them a short wish list of a few things you'd like.
If you're already being disappointed, saying what you like out loud, doesn't seem like a much greater risk.

Not that they'll follow it.  But it seems worth a try for one year.  Then maybe next year you'd feel okay about skipping getting them gifts.

They might very well appreciate you, but don't show it through gifts.  Gifts is your "love language" but it may not be theirs.  Are they kind to you in other ways besides gifts?  Do they call on other days, just to ask how you are doing?  Do they accept your invitations to spend holidays with them?  Do they come to visit, or invite you to visit?

Offline Pooh

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2011, 12:07:28 PM »
Welcome somom.  If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened, both highlighted in pink, under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure it's a good fit.  Nothing wrong with your post, we just all new members to do this to become familiar with the site.

Also, please disregard any spam posts; just ignore them, even if they are offensive. We get hit regularly, but we've got 4 moderators in 4 different time zones doing our best to irradicate them in a timely manner.

I'm with Sassy.  I think that they all just assume this is how it's supposed to be at this point.  I'm like that with my two.  I've specifically told them that they don't need to buy anything for me.

If you can't accept that they are not going to buy for you and just enjoy having them for the holiday, then I would tell them that you want to have them for the holiday, but you aren't going to be doing gifts this year.  Just food and a good time together.  Or as BG said, ask if they want to play "Dirty Santa" as we call it.  Everyone brings a gift, set dollar amount of $10 or $20 dollars, wrapped with no name.  We all draw numbers and then #1 goes and picks a gift and opens it.  #2 then has the choice of stealing #1's gift or picking a gift from the table.  #3 can now steal either #1 or #2's gift or choose from the table.  It's so much fun and usually there is one or two gifts that keep getting stolen that everyone wants!  You can play it with any amount of people as long as each person playing brings a gift.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Scoop

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2011, 12:49:12 PM »
Somom, what did you say last year when they didn't get you anything?

Although I dislike Dr Phil, I really do believe his saying that "you teach people how to treat you".  So last year, did you just say nothing and have a sad face?  Did you kick up a fuss?  Did you even MENTION that you hadn't received anything?  Because I bet they think "Oh Mom doesn't want / need anything.  We've never gotten her anything before and she's never said anything."

So, this year, you're sick of it.  Fair enough.  But you can't change the rules, and be mad at them about it, without telling them about the rule change.  So, this year, I would send out an e-mail to all of them (at the same time, all cc'ed and above board).

Dear Children,
I just wanted to let you know that times are tough and I will only be giving you a small gift each for Christmas this year.  I really appreciate your presence for Christmas and I think we should focus our celebration on family, not on gifts.  But hey, if you guys decide to do a gift exchange between yourselves, please let me know, I'm in for that!
Love, Mom

You can't change them, you can only change yourself.  So do what you have to do, so that if they continue to be themselves, you won't be hurt. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2011, 01:21:40 PM »
How we think AC should be and how they are often don't look the same at all. We have expectations, hope and dreame and we give it our all. We are totally right in feeling that we deserve better. That said, many of us congratulate ourselves for a job well done and go out get ourselves gifts. We know!! Yup!
Remember, Stressed is Desserts spelled backward.

Offline Eggshelz1

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2011, 04:36:56 PM »
Well I think for Christmas you ought to buy a bunch of stuffr yourself, wrap it up and put them under the same tree as all the other gifts. You can put 'from ?' on the tag, or you can put their names ha ha!

Just to make a statement.  ;)

Offline Eggshelz1

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2011, 04:38:17 PM »
Well I think for Christmas you ought to buy a bunch of stuff for yourself, wrap it up and put them under the same tree as all the other gifts. You can put 'from ?' on the tag, or you can put their names ha ha!

Just to make a statement.  ;)

quoted myself to edit....sorry. Still haven't figured out how to edit a post......don't hurt me now!

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2011, 06:17:23 PM »
I would start a new gift tradition.  Find a wonderful poem that would be of interest to each one, print it up, put it in a box, wrap it up and let them open that.

Make one for yourself as well......then everyone will have something under the tree......then........wait for the after Christmas sales and spend the money you would have spent on them on yourself.  Get the store to gift wrap it.  Enjoy.

Next year give them all "Star Wars" quotes or poems.  Maybe some day they will clue in that reciprocation means they should bring you a gift too, without you giving them an invitation to do so, if not you can print up some of Shakespeare's works for the next 20 years. 

May the force be with you,

KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline luise.volta

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2011, 06:19:36 PM »
Perfect!!!
Remember, Stressed is Desserts spelled backward.

Offline firelight

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #13 on: December 02, 2011, 06:06:21 AM »
What a bunch of great ideas to ponder on!
(Did I tell you all how I really really like this site??  )   ;)
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Offline FAFE

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Re: ungrateful adult children
« Reply #14 on: December 02, 2011, 06:51:04 AM »
One Christmas, one of my SIL's was so aggravated with her two kids that she said all they were getting was a Christmas card.  And, that is what they got.  I don't think it was over her not getting presents, but she made her point.  Next year, it was Christmas as usual.