adult daughter in an interracial relationship

[luise.volta]

i don't think you can tactfully say anthing or make anything better. DD has made a choice that she knows her dad is going to be offended by...and she's right about that. DH's prejudice is going to affect everyone. He gets to be how he is and you get to be happily married to him but his stance ends the solidarity of your family. DD knows that and deep down, so do you. There is no way not to have it be how it is.

[Doe]

Well, in my family, the one who was most staunchly against the interracial marriages eventually came around to accept the nice second wife (not the not-nice first one) so I don't think the family solidarity has to end.   

But your daughter does have a job in front of her if she wants both the BF and her dad.  And the dad has to decide if his prejudice is more important than being around his daughter.  I think hours and hours of conversation are going to have to take place to move this forward.

[luise.volta]

A much more positive response.

[RedRose]

Your husband may be upset when he first learns of the relationship of his daughter and her bf.
But...if he values his relationship with his daughter he will accept it...

[tmom]

  I am an Irish White woman married to a Black Southern Male (this is pretty much taboo in the South where my husband is from). My mother is 72 and my father is 81.  My mother and father are divorced during my teenage years they were married for 19 years. They are from New York. I am a very kind and loving person like my mother, thank God. My father tried to enjoy my mixed kids one time at Christmas, but it was just too much for him. He chose never to be a part of our lives again. He is a very angry man. I called him for the first time recently in 11 years or more and he is still just an angry man. I have raised 5 of my own children w/out him and although there is a part of me that always hurts (I was daddy's little girl) I have been blessed with so much happiness in the family that I now have and my husbands has 100's of family members that are all accepting of me and my kids so although marrying someone who is not the same color as you will have cultural differences, I still married within the human race and because of this I have beautiful, amazing children that will be stronger and wiser and never continue racism because they are white, black, indian. They have all become Nurses, Medics, and police officers only hoping to make a difference in the world and serve others. Someone in the family being predjudice is like the "crabpot syndrome", whenever a crab tries to get out of the bucket another crab pulls him down. We have to live above that. My husband always says, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything". This is very true. I hope all works out well for your family!

[luise.volta]

Prejudice: I heard a talk on TED where the statement was made that the DNA from blacks in Africa that were from differect tribes left a much wider spread than the difference in the DNA of blacks and whites.

We make it all up, (or someone "teaches" us)...then we believe it...and then we are at the effect of it.

[Doe]

And on the subject of race - the most typical face on the planet is that of a 28yo Chinese Male!

[luise.volta]

I don't get what "typical" refers to?

[Sassy]

When told DH was told DD's boyfriend could be of another race, DH merely raised an eyebrow.  Not the level of response I expected from him.  Since you want a closer relationship to your DD, and it seems most likely the reason you don't right now is because of her valid fear of DH's past racism, I'd keep gently exploring it with DH.  Not in terms of challenging or confronting or disagreeing, but  in terms of you being his wife, asking your husband his feelings.  When all is calm, perhaps ask DH how he'd feel if it was the case.   Hypothetically with a wink?  Although the purpose for now is only to get him thinking about what's important to him, I have a bit of hope that you might be pleasantly surprised.    Keep the dialogue going, slowly, through the weeks. 

If DH misses DD like you do, DH might eventually come to decide he wouldn't want something that he can easily do something about, to be The Thing that gets in the way of what he wants - and what you as his wife want - a decent relationship with your adult daughter.  You won't know how he feels, and how his feelings evolve, unless you two are discussing it. 

People do change about this.  I've seen it.  Look at who the US President is!  People change because the cause of racism is ignorance.  Ignorance can be resolved with education, reflection, and enlightenment.   

[tmom]

We have to dare to be different... This is when we experience true happiness.... Love everyone, life is too short not to. I like your style.

[Doe]

Oh, Luise, there are more of that type of person on the planet than any other type of human.

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/blog-post/2011/03/the_most_typical_person_on_the.html

[luise.volta]

Got it. Thanks. :-)

[sesamejane]

Tmom, Thank you for your post.  I loved hearing your story!

[Scoop]

Wow - these responses of the Dad being unable/unwilling to change and T-mom's story about her Dad are really surprising to me.

Some friends of our family had this situation, where the only daughter married a man of a race that her Dad was prejudiced about.  We all gasped and said "what will her father say?"  But, you know what, they totally like each other!  The Dad holds his tongue and doesn't make sweeping generalizations and the SonIL overlooks some of the Dad's jokes.  They WANT to get along.

I think that often a person's prejudice doesn't account for individuals.  So they might think negatively towards an entire race, except for "Joe", "Joe's okay". 

To the OP, I think you should continue to talk to your DH about it.  Talk about hypothetical situations "Wow, I can't imagine how this family does this, I would not disown DD if she was dating a *Race* person."  Or you could do what my Mom did to my Dad.  My brother married a woman who is not 'like us', she's a pill and she clashed very badly with my Dad.  My Mom told my Dad flat out that if he mouthed off to her, and caused her to withdraw the grandkids, my Mom would leave my Dad in a heartbeat.  Whether she would or not didn't matter, it was a way for her to show him how serious she was about him "keeping the peace".

[Doe]

I think that often a person's prejudice doesn't account for individuals.  So they might think negatively towards an entire race, except for "Joe", "Joe's okay". 

Great point, Scoop.  My Dad thought that the marriage in our family was wrong because God said races shouldn't mix.  I mentioned that my other son had a Korean born girl friend - what about that?  Would that be forbidden, too?  Long pause.  He never thought of it before and realized that he was opposed to marriage between 2 races, not others.  But there was a lot of talking before we reached that point.