Author Topic: family who doesn't want me  (Read 2148 times)

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chickenmom

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family who doesn't want me
« on: February 19, 2010, 11:46:07 PM »
I was given up for adoption~then adopted by folks who told me they wished they hadn't adopted me and were very abusive~everything you can imagine. They all would remind me that i wasn't really part of their family. I married someone who was just like them but did manage to get out. he is a sociopath and the rest of his family is mentally ill also. I had 3 daughters. i am pretty sure the middle one is just like her dad, she is the one who has talked the other 2 into being against me. I married again to a nice man after being single for 5 years. He adopted them. when they hit the middle teen years they all had to go see the long lost wonderful dad who deserted them and when he told them to get lost they took it out on me as if I had any control over that. i tried very hard to be the exact opposite of my parents~the girls got to do any and all activities they wanted to. I wasn't perfect but I think I was a good mom. my friends agree. I never partied or drank~just worked nights so I could be home with them~spent every off work moment with them. breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table each day. I was not abusive~I do yell some but not excessively and I never did anything like what my parents did to me. I do have my rules but nothing out of the ordinary~be home on time, dress modestly, don't have sex, don't drink just the normal stuff. I found my bio family but they didn't want anything to do with me either. A part of their past they wanted to forget I guess. We put the older 2 through college. Then after we paid for everything they left. They talked the last one into leaving last year because I was going to take her cell phone away for running up the bill to $800 and then $700 then sending a sexting video. It has been very difficult on me being left by everyone in my life. My husband is very hurt and angry about all this and frankly I don't know if we will make it through this. we barely speak anymore and we sleep in separate rooms.we used some of his retirement on the oldest messy divorce. we have a 12 year old at home and i think he stays only for her. she thinks we sleep separately because he snores so badly, which he does. he hooked back up with an old girlfriend. i found an email from her. he says he broke it off but the damage is done. i really don't know if I can go through another divorce and i am worried that this daughter is going to hate me too. if that happened i would find it hard to have much to continue on for. I also have 2 grandsons whom I adore that i no longer get to see either. we did lots of fun stuff when i did get to see them. i miss them terribly. my adoptive family is all dead and i don't have anyone else. i have a few friends but they have their own families. I do lots of volunteer work but it just doesn't fill the void. my 12 y/o is a great kid, but they all were at this age except the middle one. i was really very close to the 3rd daughter or so I thought. they tried to get me in trouble after my daughter left last year with child services saying there was no food in the house and they had no clothes to wear but the day they came to check us out i had lamb chops in the crock pot and a fridge full of organic food~i told her i had no junk food in the house. I make fresh baked "sweets". and the clothes thing was because they have so many activities and i am at home now i buy their play clothes at goodwill and a few new outfits to go out in. i dig at goodwill and pick out only the best name brands too. the worker was pretty impressed with my 12 y/o clothes. she also said it is not abuse to shop at goodwill. my middle daughter is a CPA and only buys the best. we homeschool and my middle daughter thinks i am ruining my daughter. her test scores from last year the  lowest score was a 92% and she read in 6th grade at an 11th grade level. she had 2 perfect scores. the social worker could see we were being harassed and when she called her back the discussion got lively and she returned only to say that my suspicions about her being mentally ill were valid. she is gorgeous and intelligent so no one every believed me she was so difficult. it was nice to be validated. this is not what i dreamed of for my life.

cocobars

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Re: family who doesn't want me
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2010, 06:30:57 AM »
Hi chickenmom!  Welcome!  You have so much going on, I don't know where to start!  First, I hope you get into some counselling.  Being raised in that light, will give you issues that will continually come back to haunt you and it's heartbreaking that you were treated so badly growing up.  You need a support system with all these things happening at once and sometimes counselling is the best way to go so you don't have friends running in opposite directions when they see you coming or calling!  LOL!  Your first step - joining this site is so good for you!  You deserve a much needed pat on the back and hug for being brave enough to reach out!

I don't think your problems with your husband stem from your children, only because it sounds like he is having some issues of his own.  And no, I don't believe his issues are with you either - they are his problems and you can't take them on as yours!  You haven't invited the feelings you are getting from his indiscretions.  I have trouble talking through this kind of situation, but I'm sure you will get alot more help on this site than just mine.  I'm just not good with it right now, because of my own problems in this area that are still hurtful for me.  Just know that I am very understanding with you about this and I know how hard this is for you.

I believe one of the best things you can do for yourself right now, is spend more time with your youngest who is still living with you.  Do some fun things together and let her know (tell her) how much she means to you and how much you love her. She is your best support system and you are hers.  You don't want to pass on your inherited family background, and at the same time - reaching out to love someone else gives very good returns.  Sometimes you end up helping yourself in that process!  I know you're not thinking this right now and it's hard to start, but your daughter may be suffering in silence knowing all this is going on around her, and may be taking blame on herself for things that she isn't a part of.  You may be her hero, and she-yours in this painful period.  We don't know what God/karma will hand us, but it's always nice to be loved and valued through the tough times! Through this daughter who is still with you, you may be able to create a "family bond" that you have always felt left out of!  You have more power than you think.

I know I'm missed some things.  Your post was so packed full.  But please know that we care about everyone who walks through this door, and I want you to know that includes you.  You are a part of this family of wise women now.  After all, we all walked through at one time too and came through hurting - just like you!  You're in the right place and you will find this site to be healing and addicting, because of the wonderful support and understanding extended by the wise women here!  And you are one of us!  Welcome wise woman to your new home!  I hope we can help you stand up again and see your world and you through new eyes. Maybe not instantly, but in time...

By the way, we "want" you here!  I think your daughter does too!  Feel that?  It's me hugging you both!  I hope you give her her hug today! I think she'll give you one back with a full heart!
« Last Edit: February 20, 2010, 06:49:17 AM by cocobars »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: family who doesn't want me
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2010, 08:37:34 AM »
Welcome. We can't fix anything but we can listen and we can care. Sometimes we come up with suggestions and the rest of the time we look to you to put in your two-cents when we have problems.

It's now official. You have a family! ;D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Invisible

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Re: family who doesn't want me
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2010, 07:35:12 AM »
We are your new e-family.

I was given up for adoption~then adopted by folks who told me they wished they hadn't adopted me and were very abusive~everything you can imagine. They all would remind me that i wasn't really part of their family. I married someone who was just like them but did manage to get out. he is a sociopath and the rest of his family is mentally ill also. I had 3 daughters. i am pretty sure the middle one is just like her dad, she is the one who has talked the other 2 into being against me. I married again to a nice man after being single for 5 years. He adopted them. when they hit the middle teen years they all had to go see the long lost wonderful dad who deserted them and when he told them to get lost they took it out on me as if I had any control over that. i tried very hard to be the exact opposite of my parents~the girls got to do any and all activities they wanted to. I wasn't perfect but I think I was a good mom. my friends agree. I never partied or drank~just worked nights so I could be home with them~spent every off work moment with them. breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table each day. I was not abusive~I do yell some but not excessively and I never did anything like what my parents did to me. I do have my rules but nothing out of the ordinary~be home on time, dress modestly, don't have sex, don't drink just the normal stuff. I found my bio family but they didn't want anything to do with me either. A part of their past they wanted to forget I guess. We put the older 2 through college. Then after we paid for everything they left. They talked the last one into leaving last year because I was going to take her cell phone away for running up the bill to $800 and then $700 then sending a sexting video. It has been very difficult on me being left by everyone in my life. My husband is very hurt and angry about all this and frankly I don't know if we will make it through this. we barely speak anymore and we sleep in separate rooms.we used some of his retirement on the oldest messy divorce. we have a 12 year old at home and i think he stays only for her. she thinks we sleep separately because he snores so badly, which he does. he hooked back up with an old girlfriend. i found an email from her. he says he broke it off but the damage is done. i really don't know if I can go through another divorce and i am worried that this daughter is going to hate me too. if that happened i would find it hard to have much to continue on for. I also have 2 grandsons whom I adore that i no longer get to see either. we did lots of fun stuff when i did get to see them. i miss them terribly. my adoptive family is all dead and i don't have anyone else. i have a few friends but they have their own families. I do lots of volunteer work but it just doesn't fill the void. my 12 y/o is a great kid, but they all were at this age except the middle one. i was really very close to the 3rd daughter or so I thought. they tried to get me in trouble after my daughter left last year with child services saying there was no food in the house and they had no clothes to wear but the day they came to check us out i had lamb chops in the crock pot and a fridge full of organic food~i told her i had no junk food in the house. I make fresh baked "sweets". and the clothes thing was because they have so many activities and i am at home now i buy their play clothes at goodwill and a few new outfits to go out in. i dig at goodwill and pick out only the best name brands too. the worker was pretty impressed with my 12 y/o clothes. she also said it is not abuse to shop at goodwill. my middle daughter is a CPA and only buys the best. we homeschool and my middle daughter thinks i am ruining my daughter. her test scores from last year the  lowest score was a 92% and she read in 6th grade at an 11th grade level. she had 2 perfect scores. the social worker could see we were being harassed and when she called her back the discussion got lively and she returned only to say that my suspicions about her being mentally ill were valid. she is gorgeous and intelligent so no one every believed me she was so difficult. it was nice to be validated. this is not what i dreamed of for my life.

Offline Pen

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Re: family who doesn't want me
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2010, 07:43:37 AM »
Yes, you're wanted here. Your story is heartbreaking, and I'm amazed at what you've had to deal with. You sound like an interesting, giving, caring, responsible person who has made a decent life against all odds for yourself and your children. I hope for all good things for you from this day forward! Sending you {{{hugs}}} and a lot of admiration.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb