Author Topic: Controlling People  (Read 10837 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #30 on: February 14, 2010, 07:41:42 AM »
It isn't love, Anna....there is no doubt about that.  My forever question is why?  Why would these gorgeous, well educated men we brought up allow this?  Did they need this in their lives for some reason?  I wish I could have a do-over.

cocobars

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #31 on: February 14, 2010, 08:06:56 AM »
[my son says she never says a bad word about anyone, & yet the only friends they have now are ones they met after they got together.  All sons earlier friends are a very small part of their lives if at all.  She tolerates one friend, but he lives far enough away not to be a problem.  Family doesn't feel comfortable around her, which, of course is all my fault.  ???  My son has been brainwashed.  It is obvious to his loved ones, & so, so sad that he can't be his own person.  I will never understand why my dil felt the need to totally control someone she says she loves.  To me, this is not love.  Acceptence of the person he is, now that's love!!
Anna,  he may not even realize that he is being controlled.  Sometimes it's so subtle and happens over such an extended period of time, that the person this happens to doesn't even realize it.

You are still there in his heart.  He remembers who you are and knows you.  You raised him and I don't believe he will forget that.  Control isn't love.  Sometimes I think the people who are caught up in this (including me in my past), love someone thinking they are loved and valued by that person - because that's what they are told and they "want" to believe that person they love so much. 

Time is ticking, and I believe it's on your side.

Hang in there and be as loving as you always were!

cocobars

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #32 on: February 14, 2010, 08:09:11 AM »
It isn't love, Anna....there is no doubt about that.  My forever question is why?  Why would these gorgeous, well educated men we brought up allow this?  Did they need this in their lives for some reason?  I wish I could have a do-over.
I agree, Chickie!
Hindsight is alway 20/20.  It's just too bad we can't all have a do-over - given the knowledge we have today!   :-[

cocobars

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #33 on: February 14, 2010, 09:07:06 AM »
Anna, I'm sorry they are ignoring you like that, but at the same time happy your son has "one eye open!"  What do you think of sharing some of these posts with your hubby, since he is the only one they are listening to.  He may be able to reach your son where you can't.  It sound like he is very supportive of you and may be able work at ensuring you are considered as mother/grandmother. 

Keep your chin up!  It sounds like you're taking baby steps and that means (I'm hoping) there will be light at the end of that tunnel for you.  Wouldn't that be nice?  You are bringing more good news here lately, I've noticed that!

Your "sun" picture is brighter every time I read one of your posts.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed (and keeping you in my prayers!). :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #34 on: February 14, 2010, 10:46:58 AM »
I keep wondering if it isn't partly a kind of transference. At one time our sons minded us. It was a necessary part of childhood; a safety requirement. This may be really far out but do any of you think that they found comfort in our protection (control) and are unconsciously trying to replicate it? Is that off the charts?
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #35 on: February 14, 2010, 11:26:31 AM »
It's definitely worth pursuing. But why are we moms being punished for providing comfort/protection/control to our sons? I didn't know it would bite me later  :'( I just thought I was doing what a mom was supposed to do.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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2chickiebaby

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #36 on: February 14, 2010, 11:55:28 AM »
They so casually call for cut offs and semi-cut offs like we're nothing but an animal that has to be reprimanded.  How do these people live with themselves?  So harsh and cruel. 

...."until we can behave and learn their boundaries."  This might as well be a death sentence.  I'll never live through it.  :'(

The secret whisperer who tells our sons of how we really are.  I'm not even mad anymore.  I've never hurt a single person in my life, knowingly.  What do we have to do to behave like she wants?  Die?  I've seen that written...they want us to die.  When our husband's die they complain that the wrong one died. 

Why are they like this and why was that book written?  I don't know the woman who wrote it and I'm sure she's helped people but look at the lives she's destroyed.   

Be careful when you're no longer useful.  When the GC grow a little and they no longer need you to babysit;  you will be thrown out like yesterday's garbage.   
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 11:57:19 AM by 2chickiebaby »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #37 on: February 14, 2010, 12:57:36 PM »
Well, if it's an unconscious need for the comfort of childhood control...maybe some guys can't have two moms? Too confusing? And maybe some wives see a battle for supremacy as normal?

If we have open arms, what good does that do us? War is declared and we are vanquished before we know what hit us.

Our sons have chosen and they get to pretend that they didn't look for an find a new mommy. And we get to forever wonder why all of it was necessary and how to go on and pretend we're fine.

Question? Why do some sons and some DILs do this and some don't? I had (one has passed on) one of each. Same mom, so how can I beat myself up for doing it wrong?

What a heartbreaking puzzlement.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

2chickiebaby

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #38 on: February 14, 2010, 01:08:09 PM »
Luise, I don't know of any Mothers who don't experience this with married sons.  You're the only one....if they have a daughter, they're usually fine because they belong somewhere.

I don't have a daughter, wish I did.  I guess they do have another Mommy...it sure looks like it. 

cocobars

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #39 on: February 14, 2010, 01:20:11 PM »
I keep wondering if it isn't partly a kind of transference. At one time our sons minded us. It was a necessary part of childhood; a safety requirement. This may be really far out but do any of you think that they found comfort in our protection (control) and are unconsciously trying to replicate it? Is that off the charts?
Oh! Is that ever a light bulb going off!  We have taught our sons about control by being concerned mothers!  They may believe they are "being good husbands" by letting all that control happen.
What do you think of this idea?

I believe everyone on here was a concerned and loving mother.  It seems we all have this common link.  By protecting our children, we could have been "equated" as controlling.  After all, when they were young we really did protect them to the extent of "controlling" their influences, etc...

It's a thought worth examination!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #40 on: February 14, 2010, 02:10:06 PM »
Thinking, thinking...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

peggyrice@triad.rr.com

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #41 on: February 14, 2010, 02:40:27 PM »
The transference idea is interesting...........A couple of nights ago I received an email from the DIL that she was "done with me!"  She listed all the twisted and imagined reasons and also listed all the perfect qualities that she posessed.  My younger son wants to speak with his older brother and tell him to "man up" and try to get his wife in line and not to turn his back on his family.  Even my ex-husband is frustrated and angery with my DIL's behavior.  He is smart enought to wonder who will be next on the cut out list.  The problem is that I have not heard from my older son since........Oh me........will it ever end.

cocobars

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #42 on: February 14, 2010, 02:45:31 PM »
Thinking, thinking...
Luise, you had one of each.  Every child is different an thrives in different environments. We have to look at them as individuals and go with that (as mothers).  Do you think some children thrive in the protection and others may be more individualistic?  Maybe our sons are taking what we gave them and transferring it into their wives.  If this were the case, they would be looking for "comfort" in thier love for their wives.  Something "we" gave them as loving and protecting mothers.  We didn't know it, but when they came to be adults and found "that" woman they loved and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with, that would explain why some looked for "comfort in control" and others looked within.  Thank about it and tell me what you think?

cocobars

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #43 on: February 14, 2010, 02:49:13 PM »
The transference idea is interesting...........A couple of nights ago I received an email from the DIL that she was "done with me!"  She listed all the twisted and imagined reasons and also listed all the perfect qualities that she posessed.  My younger son wants to speak with his older brother and tell him to "man up" and try to get his wife in line and not to turn his back on his family.  Even my ex-husband is frustrated and angery with my DIL's behavior.  He is smart enought to wonder who will be next on the cut out list.  The problem is that I have not heard from my older son since........Oh me........will it ever end.
Thanks Carolina!
If my "transferrence" theory is correct, it would explain the difference in "why" some sons (children) differ in their choices like this. 

I believe this is a theory worh looking into. If this assumption is correct, it could help alot of mother's out there.  It might help mothers in the future avoid the same things we are suffering from.  I hope it helps, but you never know...

cocobars

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Re: Controlling People
« Reply #44 on: February 14, 2010, 02:55:00 PM »
What that would mean, is that by being protective and loving mothers while our sons/daughters were still young enough to need this, they may have (some of them) relished in this warm fuzzy protectiveness.  This met their needs as children.  When they became adults and "fell in love with that person," if that person showed control, it could have equated to the loving protectiveness of their mothers. Their first experience with love...  They are driven by that instinct to be protected (and ultimately equate that with control).

I can only hope this is making sense.  Cant you give me your thoughts?
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 02:59:15 PM by cocobars »