Author Topic: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me  (Read 1846 times)

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faith4111

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Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« on: February 10, 2010, 11:01:34 PM »
My son has been living with me for 10 years but it's now getting worse and worse.  He doesn't look for a job, uses everything here that I alone own, stays up days on end chatting with people on the internet, doesn't clean, doesn't pay for food, DSL, rent or anything.  I've had him arrested for imprisonment of me in my own place and twice for physical abuse.  There were a few times he abused me but I didn't call the police.  I don't sleep well and his attitude is that HE owns everything, that I OWE him, and when I say get a job he says "you too mom."  I work at home doing transcription, got him the same job but he waits till the last minute to do the easiest of the work and then doesn't do it, I do.  He's in England for 2 weeks that I paid for because I don't want him living with me anymore.  I plan on filing a restraining order (again) against him so he can't walk in here.  If he does he will destroy everything I have.  He somehow transferred $1200 out of my credit card and denies doing it yet there is proof that he did.  I cancelled the card, got a new one and afraid this will start all over again.  No matter how much I support him it's never enough.  He thinks I woe him.  What do I do?

Fiesty

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2010, 12:21:08 AM »
It sounds like you have been in a bad situation, but you are taking steps to right things. 

You are doing the right things.  Just make sure to follow through with calling the police or whatever is necessary when your son realizes the free ride is over, and he acts out.   He has already been violent to you already, he will again if he has the chance.  If he tries the tactic of trying to get you to feel sorry for him, don't fall for it.  I know it will be hard.  If you let him live with you,  the chances of him changing are slim to none.  If the time comes when you think about letting him back in, don't let him in until AFTER he has had counseling and has lived on his own for at least 1 or two years (I wouldn't).  You say he does have  the same job skill that you use to support both of you.  He can use it to support himself alone. 

Despite your son's actions, you probably still have some feeling of needing to take care of him.  He dosen't need that care anymore.  He is a grown man, not a boy, a man; and he is robbing you of your right to have a stress-free life.   If you should start to feel quilty about shutting him out, remind yourself that you are actually hurting him by allowing him to keep living a boy's life.  It is for his own good to be out on his own.  If he has to sleep in the park, his car, or a friend's couch, that is just the first step to overdue adulthood.

Contact your local domestic abuse agency, because you have been living in abuse.

Finally, you didn't specificially mention it in your post, but if you haven't changed the  locks, do it.

Good Luck.  This is a difficult time in your life.

2chickiebaby

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2010, 03:34:29 AM »
Dear Faith,
Please, please get some outside authority to deal with him!  I am sorry you are going through this!!  Don't let him rule you like this out of his anger about himself because he's living a worthless life. That is no excuse.

He doesn't need to blame you for his failings in life. Don't let him talk you out of getting the authorities involved before it turns dangerous for you.  Many blessings to you!!!

Marilyn

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2010, 04:58:25 AM »
Faith,I would do EXACTLY what Fiesty said.Your going to have to use tough love.
And don't let him talk you into letting him live with you again,talk is cheap!!!Your going to have to see actions,not words,before you know he has changed.
He probably will have to hit rock bottom,before there is a real change......stay strong,don't fall for empty promises,or let him manipulate you with guilt or pity.

I'm so sorry your going thru this,there are a lot of compassionate women here that will be very supportive for you.

Stay strong and focus on taking care of you.
Sending hugs and blessings!!!!

cocobars

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2010, 05:31:42 AM »
It sounds like you have been in a bad situation, but you are taking steps to right things. 

You are doing the right things.  Just make sure to follow through with calling the police or whatever is necessary when your son realizes the free ride is over, and he acts out.   He has already been violent to you already, he will again if he has the chance.  If he tries the tactic of trying to get you to feel sorry for him, don't fall for it.  I know it will be hard.  If you let him live with you,  the chances of him changing are slim to none.  If the time comes when you think about letting him back in, don't let him in until AFTER he has had counseling and has lived on his own for at least 1 or two years (I wouldn't).  You say he does have  the same job skill that you use to support both of you.  He can use it to support himself alone. 

Despite your son's actions, you probably still have some feeling of needing to take care of him.  He dosen't need that care anymore.  He is a grown man, not a boy, a man; and he is robbing you of your right to have a stress-free life.   If you should start to feel quilty about shutting him out, remind yourself that you are actually hurting him by allowing him to keep living a boy's life.  It is for his own good to be out on his own.  If he has to sleep in the park, his car, or a friend's couch, that is just the first step to overdue adulthood.

Contact your local domestic abuse agency, because you have been living in abuse.

Finally, you didn't specificially mention it in your post, but if you haven't changed the  locks, do it.

Good Luck.  This is a difficult time in your life.
Welcome Faith!
Fiesty actually gave you the best advice you can get.  Welcome to you too Fiesty!  And what an insightful post for your first one!

Faith, what your son is doing to you is abuse.  The fact that he is your son is going to make it harder for you to stick to your decisions and change those locks.  I hope you sat him down and talked to him before he left.  If that wasn't possible because of his history of violence, then talk to your neighbors about watching out for you.  It's embarassing to have to do that, but I believe you need protection when he returns.  I'm aware that this is your son and that will create some weak feelings for you.  I went through a similar thing with my son at 18, but with different circumstances.  I made appointments for him to have "in house" counselling.  He agreed to get help, but didn't want "in-house."  I had to tell him that my decision was non-negotiable in this instance (it was involving some drug use).  He left and really did have to sleep in cars, parks, friends sofa's...  I didn't see him for a few months, and it was the hardest thing in my life at that time to turn him away.  I never gave him money, but I did buy him groceries at one point and took him for gas in his car. 

I have some experience with physical abuse also.  I can tell you that if you forgive him and don't stand up for yourself this violence only gets worse.  Your son is controlling you through threats (even if they are perceived threats at times).  By standing up for yourself, I mean getting that restraining order, changing the locks, and not going back on your promise to yourself that you (and him) deserve more.  He's an adult and deserves to be out living like one.  You are doing him no favors by letting him have this kind of control, that may escalate into a hospital stay - or worse for you, and jail time for him.

This is going to be so very hard for you.  Just know that you have this site to come to!  Post often - all day everyday if you need to!  LOL!  You will need the support and understanding, not to mention the suggestions that may help you through this.

In the meantime, you need to get in to see a counsellor.  You will need all the help and "back-up" support possible to ride this part of your life through and come out the other side.  I would suggest to him that he get counselling also.  Somewhere along the way the way in which he thinks has been turned around.  Doesn't mean you love him less, just that he needs help thinking through what led to him believing he can do this to you as his mother.  You stopped being responsible for him at 18.  I know my children still needed a little help, even after that.  Don't let him make you feel he is still a 2 year old.  He should no longer be dependant on you for his life. 

Thank you for posting.  Come back and post often - as often as you need!

P.S.- I never did let my son move back in until recently.  He's 34 now.  It's hard, but know I understand..

« Last Edit: February 11, 2010, 05:35:18 AM by cocobars »

cremebrulee

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2010, 04:42:52 AM »
Hello and welcome,

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this, but the other women here have given you great advice...I would definately log everything, date it and describe each issue....so you have it...
do not take a physical abuser back...ever...they don't change, they get worse...

the effects of abuse, both physical and mental, are a life long struggle to counquer, therefore, I would also agree that counseling is a very good path to go....

Hugs
Creme

cocobars

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2010, 06:01:12 AM »
Creme's idea of logging and dating is good also.  Your son may deny things he has done to you, which is also common among men with violent tendencies. 

This is an awful situation!  You need help and I hope you can find some physical support as well.

Hang in there and take care!

cocobars

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2010, 04:20:35 PM »
Just checking back in Faith.  We haven't heard from you and I was wondering if you were ok. 

Hang in there!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need advice badly about my 27 year old son living with me
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2010, 07:51:33 PM »
F - Let us know what you think of this input and what steps you are going to take, OK? Hugs, Luise
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher